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December 21, 2006
"In God We Trust" removed from coins; new coins to say "Fuck God"
In a landmark decision (Newdow v. Congress of the United States of America, No. CIV. S-05-2339(E.D.Cal. 06/06/2006)), the Eastern District Court of California ruled that the issuance of coins bearing the legend "In God We Trust" by the United States government constituted an unlawful establishment of religion, namely, belief in, and endorsement of a god or deity. The court issued an injunction, requiring the issuance of the coins every ten years with a different, opposite legend: "Fuck God."
"As America has matured as a nation, our political and judicial establishment has gradually, over the decades, been forced to acknowledge that once cherished traditions and beliefs were actually only popular because they reflected mainstream concepts of belief and "right." While removing the legend would appear to be the solution, this would amount to state endorsement of atheism, nihilism or perhaps agnosticism" wrote Justice Bazelon in his majority opinion.
"In order to truly be neutral on the question of whether there is or is not a god, and/or, assuming there is a god, whether he/she/it should be revered, it is necessary to include both legends that I have prescribed in this opinion, although not both on the same coin, since that would be very confusing. Rather, every few years, perhaps ten, the slogan will switch back and forth. Finally everyone will get equal time for their views on god and his/her/its existance, non existance, or whether he/she/it should get fucked, depending on your interpretation of the significance of the phrase "Fuck God" on our new currency, starting in 2010."
A short dissent by Justice Odelsohn noted that the majority did not go far enough, and that coins should be issued criticizing Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, and the other famous American leaders and political thinkers depicted on our currency.
"Idol worship of a deceased president or inventor of a new type of eyeglasses is no less a religion than worship of a presumed omnipotent god-type entity" noted Justice Odelsohn. "Therefore, every ten years, to avoid offense to the 'other america' that does not join in the thinking of the oppressive majority, we should issue coins commemorating the worst actions, thoughts and remarks of our ancient leaders. Only in this way can America truly fulfill its promise of being the 'land of the brave, and the home of the free.' Therefore, I respectfully dissent."
Reaction to the opinion is mixed, with atheists split on whether god really doesn't exist at all, or whether he/she/it does exist, but should be fucked rather than trusted.
Early reports indicate that talk of seceding again has cropped up in several Southern states, as well as Oregon, but that's just because they want to smoke the wacky tobaccy.
December 21, 2006
Bin Laden releases video; demands release of Mokey plush
Some Cave Somewhere -- On August 10, 2006, at 18:00 UTC, the Arab television network, HBO, broadcast excerpts from a videotape of Osama bin Laden addressing the people of the United States, in which he, strangely, demanded the release of a Mokey plush.
This development has led commentators to speculate that bin Laden may have lost his mind, although some have concluded that he has simply abandoned his ambitious geopolitical goals, and is just attempting to "think outside of the box" and see if he can actually get something he wants, by asking for something a bit less weighty than undisputed Arabic hegemony in the Middle East.
Osama said through an interpreter today, "Praise be to Allah who created the creation for his worship and commanded them to be just and permitted the wronged one to retaliate against the oppressor in kind. To proceed:
What is up with no new Mokey plushes? There's new plushes for everybody but Mokey. They even had time to make a Fraggle version of UNO, a game nobody even plays anymore except drunken infidel american college students. This is not acceptable."
bin Laden went on to note that the classic Mokey plushes from the 1980s were "beneath contempt" in the eyes of his many followers around the world, all of whom "were prepared to complain on the internet" until their silly quest was victorious.
Fraggle Rock's Mokey is the new symbol of radical fascist conservative Islamic communism."Trust me, we will annoy millions of Americans until the Mokey plushes are ours" said bin Laden. "We will not sleep until we have won this war against the infidels who think Red is better than Mokey."
President Bush's reaction to the video was swift and decisive: "We now know not to trust Mokey, with her terrorist buddies." said President Bush. "You can't intimidate us, Osama, we all know that this video is just a ruse so you can divide America with a flame war over who is hotter, Mokey or Red. And besides, we all know that nobody cares about that new agey liberal commie hippie Mokey anymore, anyway. Give me Wembly any day, thank you very much."
According to uncyclopedia's staff reference librarian, all of this fuss apparently stems from some 80s television show about a tribe of rat people who live in a magical cave.