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December 21, 2006
John Mark Karr confesses to murdering Steve Irwin, extradited to Australia for DNA testing
Oz (Tha CW) -- John Mark Karr stunned the world again with another shock confession, admitting that he, rather than a stingray, as previously believed, murdered Steve Irwin, explaining that it was "an accident."
"You see, I accidentally mistook Mr. Irwin for a little girl." explained Mr. Karr. "I must have been pretty fucked up on shrooms, I rather suppose."
When confronted by the authorities with clear evidence that he was nowhere near the continent of Australia on the day of the tragedy, and that there was a videotape showing that Mr. Irwin died as a result of a stingray barb to his heart, Mr. Karr put his thumbs in his ears, and started singing "la la la la not listening."
Authorities are hoping, despite the slim chances, that even more expensive intercontinental air travel and DNA testing will finally link Karr to killing somebody, since everybody really, really hates him and we should really just lock him up even if he hasn't done anything yet, anyway, but these annoying dumb laws say we can't just lock people up for a long time unless they've done something really, really bad, or are muslim.
President Bush has been working on solving this problem, and his bold leadership has succeeded in locking up many people who havn't been proven to have done anything for a long time; as Bush noted "if the Irwin killing doesn't implicate Karr, there has been some discussion of just putting him in Guantamano and getting this whole thing over with that way. It's legal for arabs . . . er I mean terrorists, and I think locking this guy up will be a good thing politically, er, um I mean, for the children. And skipping the pointless trial, a quaint idea for a bastard like Karr, will save valuable rich people's, er, um, I mean, american taxpayer dollars."
The Democratic Party feebly countered this wanton desecration of the constitution by noting that they also strongly opposed perverts pretending to be stingrays so they could get free air travel.
December 21, 2006
Mystery of Anthrax letters persists
WASHINGTON AC/DC -- Over five years after some sick bastard mailed dozens of letters taunting innocent Americans with the promise of scoring awesome Anthrax tickets to sweet sold out shows without leaving any hint as to how to contact the "seller" of the alleged tickets, the identity of the horrible bastard (profiled by the FBI to likely be a fan of Metallica or Lou Reed) remains a total mystery.
The nightmare began back in 2001, with letters addressed to prominent news and government personalities. Tom Daschle, who received one of the first letters, remembered his initial excitement upon opening the envelope with the official-looking (but in retrospect, clearly forged) Anthrax logo on it.
"My first thought was, SCORE!!!!" said Mr. Daschle. "I thought I was dreaming. . . but my dream quickly turned into a nightmare when I realized that there was no indication in the letter how I could get those tickets!!!!! What kind of monster could do such a thing to someone who just wants to metal in peace?"
While there have been no letters since the inital horrifying wave of frustrated fans who couldn't get tickets to the most awesome band in the history of the universe, rumors persist that someone, somewhere, may have access to Anthrax tickets. And until those tickets are found and that sold out show is crashed by the nation's political and media elite, no American will ever be able to sleep soundly at night.