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December 21, 2006
Kim Jong Il kicked out of Hard Rock Cafe for violating longstanding rule against bringing a nuclear weapon inside
SHANTY CITY, North Korea -- Kim Jong Il was frustrated earlier today when he was asked to leave the local Hard Rock Cafe for flagrantly violating the "No Nuclear Weapons Allowed Inside" rule.
Mr. Kim was apparently unfamilar with the longstanding policy, causing him to lose face among the people listening to Bohemian Rhapsody by the barThe unfortunate incident occurred during Mr. Kim's 29th birthday party (the latest of several 29th birthday parties for the beloved leader). While he was waiting by the bar for a seat closer to Keith Moon's drums, bartender Sheila McCort happened to notice the modified Teller-Ulam device he was carting along with him in a wheelbarrow.
While Mr. Kim protested the removal in writing after being forcibly ejected, citing that he had the right to bear arms, and had not actually violated the policy, which prohibited "Nuclear Weapons," and he only had one. However, the restaurant main office refused to apologize or change its policy. A press release was obtained by UnNews which states, in part:
"Hypertechnical interpretion of the fact that the word "weapon" was pluralized in the text of this rule does not excuse Mr. Kim's irresponsible and dangerous behavior. We only have two rules, and we are the final arbiters of how they shall be interpreted; clearly having one weapon violates the intent of the rule, if not its text. And if we give Kim a break on this, people will think the rule is some sort of joke and before you know it, every one of our restaurants will be full of nuclear weapons. We cannot allow a future where Hard Rock Cafe patrons have to worry about getting into a tense situation that could escalate to nuclear war. People who want to get themselves in that kind of trouble can do so outside of the Hard Rock Cafe. All we ask is that they leave our patrons in peace to eat overpriced food while looking at a guitar that Jerry Garcia may possibly have looked at one time. We think."
December 21, 2006
United Nations vote: all religions are entitled to their own state in the middle east
(New York City) In a suprise vote today, the UN, in a sweeping codicil to United Nations General Assembly Resolution 181, concerning the partition of Israel, established the rights of other religions to middle-east statehood. The move was widely applauded by co-religionists.
The resolution also changed the name of the state formerly known as "Israel" to "Jewland" for reasons not immediately apparent at press time.
So far only a few new states have been established under the new resolution, which has been praised by President Bush as "A bold new road map to final peace in the Middle East."
So far there have been states established for the world's atheist population ("Nogoddia"), those who follow Goa Tse ("Goatseland"), the Heaven's Gate breakoff group that worships Fox Mulder of X-Files fame ("Mulderstan"), the trek community ("Kirkistan"), and those who worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster ("Pastafaristan"), although there are rumors that this last country might just be a joke.
The pre-existing scientologist state of Hubbardland was left unmodified by the codicil. Further countries are expected to be claimed in the next few days, there are also rumors of plans for a "Homoslavia" somewhere in the vicinity.
Unfortunately, the revised partition plan required the violent removal of approximately 28 million Arabs, and has greatly angered the terrorists, who have vowed to "Blow up everything in the fucking world twice, then blow it up again, then smash it into atoms, and then blow up the atoms." in retaliation for giving their holy ancestral lands to star trek fans, goatse freaks, athiests, Fox Mulder worshippers, people who pretend to think that pasta created the world and Jews.
Another problem quickly emerged concerning the status of the holy Goat Sea, as due to a sloppy cartographer's error involving a pit bull, a bird with a flexible bill, and a small man with a large moustasche, the Goatseland/Mulderstan border accidently transversed the disputed body of water, leading to a holy war over the status of access to the sea, which is holy to the Goatse worshippers. Strangely, it isn't holy to the Mulderstanis, but they just like causing trouble and getting on CNN to try to contact Fox Mulder so they can "evoke the prophesy and bring Mulder's spirit into the material realm."
While some see the new flowering of spiritual statehood as a good idea and more inclusive than just setting a state aside for the Jewish religion and not the various other forms of spirituality in this modern new age, others disagree, and are concerned that this move can lead to nothing but a perpetual holy war that will inevitably expose third parties to the threat of terrorism, political polarization and endless misery. However, only time will tell whether these concerns hold any water, or if the revised UN plan is as doomed as the less inclusive, but undeniably simpler, original.