December 21, 2006
Donald Rumsfeld proposes using textbooks as shields in Iraq
NUTLEY, New Jersey -- At a press conference today, Donald Rumsfeld, reacting to the unpopularity of the deaths of over 2,500 Americans due to neocon lies and world conquest ambitions, announced a new program to try to reduce the number of future unneeded deaths as a result of the evil of the Republican vampiric cabal that is currently running America and attempting (although spectacularly unsuccessfully so far) to run the world: used textbooks to "deflect the terrorist death thingies, like bullets and stuff."
The original plan was for better body armor and "cool scientific doohickies" to allow US solders to do awesome slow motion kung fu attacks from crazy angles, like those dudes in the Matrix, but a Ways & Means Committee audit determined that the life of a soldier really wasn't worth much more than a used school textbook, so that's what they're gonna get.
When questioned whether Iraqis would be given textbooks also, since over 600,000 had died because of a completely unneeded war that Bush lied to start so he could pwnzor all the oil and keep those damn Chinese guys from getting it all, Rumsfeld accused the reporter of treason for suggesting we arm the terrorists. When asked if the 14 year old Iraqi girl who was recently raped, shot and burned by US soldiers was a terrorist, Mr. Rumsfeld ended the press conference abruptly, saying "Come on guys, I'm an old man. It's too early in the morning for this." Later, Mr. Rumsfeld stated that it was almost time for him to report to his mysterious alien handlers via the Beta 5 computer secretly installed in his New York City east side apartment, but had time to add that "That rape incident was unfortunate, but you know what's even more unfortunate? Americans having to pay $10 a gallon for gas. Now that's a real tragedy."
The plan has been ridiculed by the military brass at the Pentagon, who now want to just nuke the shithole and get it all over with.
December 21, 2006
Bush gets pwned
Washington DC -- President George W. Bush was pwned by the entire population of the United States late yesterday. It turns out he has been a completely lousy president and while they did not have the power to fire him directly, the voters did the best they could to eliminate as many of his minions and underlings in Congress as they could manage.
Among the lowlights of Bush's administration are:
1) attacking and raping a country that did not attack the United States and had nothing to do with 9/11,
2) congratulating Mike Brown on looking good in his rolled-up shirt sleeves for the camera while Hurricane Katrina victims starved and died of heat exhaustion in their own shit water, and
3) abducting European citizens in so called extraordinary renditions, transporting them to gitmo for torture, only to find out they got the wrong man. Best example is four year old Abdullah Mohamad al-Berlin, citizen of Monaco, accused of detonating a suicide bomb on JFK airport, and
4) pretending that he could get people to ignore how bad the first three lowlights were by trying to keep homosexuals from getting married, since according to Bush's infallable logic once the gay card is on the table politically, the "Republican base" (actually six dudes in a camaro that sorta runs) would come out and homophobia will carry the day.
The evil plan fell apart when Mark Foley decided to send some naughty e-mails to congressional pages, igniting an ill-timed hissy fit. With the credibility of the Republicans now totally gone, Bush's political strategy, which seemed to involve being totally delusional about every aspect of everything his administration did, saw, or attempted to do, completely collapsed.
Such complete and utter pwnage has not been seen since the 2000 election, when Al Gore was pwned up the ass by the entire state of Florida, Jeb Bush and Katherine Harris.
Bush's reaction to the pwnage was decisive, resulting in him pwning Donald Rumsfeld, and assuring the public that he will continue to attempt to pwn Iraq. Fucking noob.
"fyi gbsh im taking cngrss frm u ttfn aybabtu bohica baby. pwn3d."
The Democratic party on Totally Pwning Bush