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December 21, 2006
Pope apologizes; makes new speech praising Islam
THE VATICAN (AP) -- The Pope issued a new speech today, contrary to his old one that nobody liked, reversing his position on Islam.
"My previous speech quoted some guy from like, the 1300s or something like that to imply that the violent aspects of some forms of Islam were perhaps somewhat misguided." said the Pope. "That was totally wrong of me, since now that there has been a reaction to my speech consisting of a nun being murdered, churches being firebombed, as well as multiple calls for my arrest and death, I realize that I grossly misjudged Islam. Therefore, as Pope, I hereby declare without reservation that everything ever done in history by a believer following Islam was a good, just, reasonable and beneficial act."
The Pope then announced he was converting to Islam and would require all Christians to do likewise.
"All this time, we've been ignoring the reasonable requests of the followers of jihad for us to finally wake up to the truth: that there is no god but Allah, and that Muhammed, peace be upon him, is the last prophet of Allah. Why these simple facts slipped through our grasp for so long seems to be, in retrospect, just silly. All the time that Moslems have been killing, blowing things up, making angry videotapes, and taking over countries was just spent trying to make us get that through our thick western colonialist skulls. Thank goodness they killed all of those people, otherwise we would have been apostates forever."
The Pope's revelation, which is expected to lead to the subsumation of Christianity into Islam by a date that has not yet been determined, is expected to be commented on by President Bush, who, in a similar move, is expected to introduce legislation to amend the Constitution so as to replace it with the full text of the Koran.
"The president says he's bored of this war on terror thing, and it's getting old. It was fun at first, but it's gone on too long and he just wants it to stop so he can think clearly again. Let's just give these silly Moslems what they want and let them have their ounce of horseflesh. One ancient piece of paper from like, a million years ago, or another, what's the diff?" remarked one of Bush's aides, who was busy shoplifting DVDs, and so was unable to talk to us further.
Discussions concerning the orderly transfer of political authority over The Vatican to Osama Bin Laden are reportedly underway between the Pope and Bin Laden's second in command, Bert.
December 21, 2006
Angry emperor Manuel II Paleologus blasts backpedaling Pope
BYZANTIUM, Constantinople: Manuel II Paleologus has entered the fray in the ongoing furor over the pope's recent speech, in which he briefly quoted the former byzantine emperor's writings concerning Islam.
"My words were and still are true" said the elderly former world leader. "My only regret is that I lacked the political and military acumen of your great leader, Bush II, in fighting the followers of Mahmood. Shame on the Pope for showing weakness within the sight of the enemies of Christ."
The emperor's return to the world stage after nearly six hundred years took most political analyists by surprise; Emperor II Paleologus, however, merely explained that his kitten huffing regimen had done wonders in preserving his body and spirit, and that while he normally tried to stay out of the public and political spotlight, he felt that he could be silent no longer considering recent world events.
"I know most of you are too young to know this" said the emperor, "but take away your lightening boxes and great noisy metal birds and such, it's really quite remarkable how little things have changed since I was in power. It really warms my heart to see that you're all fighting the same war I was fighting 600 years ago. And they say you modern types don't respect the old traditions . . . you've sure proven me wrong!"
Critics have claimed that the emperor has been disingenous in returning to the public stage at this time and is just trying to draw attention to his new codex, How Emperor Manuel II Paleologus Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life, which is rumored to have been heavily plagarized, likely as a result of the emperor's unfortunate lack of familiarity with modern intellectual property laws.
"This has nothing to do with my book, which is a whirlwind romance based on my real life experiences." commented the emperor, attempting to refute the charges. "Any similar passages between my writing and another book were completely unintentional and unconscious. And I'll have anyone who disagrees with me executed."
Reaction to this recent development is as yet unclear, but Ferenc Gyurcsán, the embattled prime minister of Hungary has gone on record, noting "Holy fucking shit, this shit is damn fucked up" which was translated by the BBC as "What an absobloodylute load of cack!"
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