1. Apart from Tuesday, what two days begin with the letter T? Thursday and TOMORROW.
  2. How do astronauts keep clean in space? They take meteor SHOWERS.
  3. How do leopards stop a VCR? They press the PAWS button.
  4. How do you communicate with a fish? Drop her a LINE.
  5. How do you fix a broken chimp? With a MONKEY wrench.
  6. How do you keep a skunk from smelling? You hold its NOSE.
  7. How do you know that the ocean is friendly? It WAVES.
  8. How do you know when a giraffe is in your bed? By the big G on his PAJAMAS.
  9. How do you stop a bull from charging? Take away its credit CARD.
  10. How many oranges grow on a tree? ALL of them.
  11. What are monkeys' favorite cookies? Chocolate CHIMP cookies.
  12. What are two things you can't have for breakfast? Lunch and DINNER.
  13. What did Delaware? A NEW Jersey.
  14. What did Dollar Bill name his daughter? PENNY.
  15. What did one centipede say to the other? Ow! You stepped on my FOOT my foot, my foot, my foot...
  16. What did the attorney name her daughter? SUE.
  17. What did the bee say to the flowers? What time do you OPEN?
  18. What did the calendar maker name her daughters? April, May, and JUNE.
  19. What did the duck say to the rooster in the morning? QUACK a doodle do.
  20. What did the duck say when she bought lipstick? Put it on my BILL.
  21. What did the fire say to the firefighter? Take me to your LADDER.
  22. What did the grape say when it was squashed? Nothing. It just gave out a little WHINE.
  23. What did the hot dog say when he finished the race? I'm the WIENER.
  24. What did the judge say when the skunk entered the courtroom? ODOR in the court.
  25. What did the tablecloth say to the table? I've got you COVERED.
  26. What do pigs use to write top-secret messages? Invisible OINK.
  27. What do you call a bee who buzzes very quietly? A MUMBLE bee.
  28. What do you call a guy who lives on your doorstep? MAT.
  29. What do you call a skeleton that sleeps all day? LAZY bones.
  30. What do you call baby cats who live in a skyscraper? KITTENS.
  31. What do you do if your dog chews the backseat of the car? You put her in the FRONT seat.
  32. What does a ghost like to spread on its bagels? SCREAM cheese.
  33. What furniture polish do schools use? PLEDGE of Allegiance.
  34. What group did the three little pigs join? The boy SNOUTS.
  35. What happens if you don't clean your mirror? You get a dirty LOOK.
  36. What is an octopus? An eight-sided CAT.
  37. What is small, gray, and has an enormous trunk? A MOUSE going on vacation.
  38. What is something that gives milk and has only one horn? A milk TRUCK.
  39. What is the best way to catch a squirrel? Climb a TREE and act like a nut.
  40. What is the difference between a color TV and a newspaper? You can't SWAT a fly with a color television.
  41. What is the favorite year for a kangaroo? LEAP year.
  42. What is the hardest way to eat spaghetti? Through a STRAW.
  43. What is the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles, because there is a MILE between the first and last letters.
  44. What kind of bow is impossible to tie? A RAINBOW.
  45. What kind of phones do prisoners use? CELL phones.
  46. What metal do burglars like best? STEEL.
  47. What sea creature is always grumpy? A CRAB.
  48. What stays hot in the refrigerator? MUSTARD.
  49. What time is it when an elephant sits on your watch? Time to BUY a new watch.
  50. What's in the middle of nowhere? The LETTER H.
  51. What's smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling BEE.
  52. What's the safest part of a haunted house? The LIVING room.
  53. When is a basketball like a baby? When it DRIBBLES.
  54. When is it time to go to the dentist? TOOTH hurty.
  55. Where are the biggest diamonds in the world? In baseball PARKS.
  56. Where did the cow go on Saturday night? To the MOOOOOVIES.
  57. Where did the dentist go on her vacation? To the MOUTH of the Mississippi.
  58. Where did the spaghetti go to dance? To a MEATBALL.
  59. Where do snowflakes dance? At the SNOWBALL.
  60. Where does a snowman put his money? In a snow BANK.
  61. Which animal eats with its tail? All of them, because none takes it OFF to eat.
  62. Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday, because the others are WEAK days.
  63. Which knight designed King Arthur's round table? SIR Cumference.
  64. Which president has the sharpest teeth? JAWS Washington.
  65. Which two keys are too big to fit in your pockets? A monkey and a DONKEY.
  66. Why can't monkeys play cards in the jungle? There are too many CHEETAHS.
  67. Why couldn't Cinderella play sports? She always ran away from the BALL.
  68. Why couldn't the butterfly go to the dance? It was a MOTH ball.
  69. Why did the chef run out of the kitchen? The cookbook said to crack an egg, then BEAT it.
  70. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other SLIDE.
  71. Why did the dinosaur cross the road? CHICKENS weren't invented yet.
  72. Why did the elephant have a terrible vacation? The airline lost his TRUNK.
  73. Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow? To keep from falling into the HOT chocolate.
  74. Why did the girl eat her homework? Her teacher told her it was a piece of CAKE.
  75. Why did the hippopotamus cross the road? It was the chicken's DAY off.
  76. Why did the lion want to eat the tightrope walker? To have a well-balanced MEAL.
  77. Why do giraffes have long necks? Their feet SMELL.
  78. Why do magnets make such good friends? They always STICK together.
  79. Why do rhinos have so many wrinkles? Rhinos are very hard to IRON.
  80. Why is crossing a road like music? You will B flat if you don't C SHARP.
  81. Why isn't it safe to tell secrets on a farm? The CORN has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beanstalk.
  82. Why was the little snake happy that he wasn't poisonous? He just BIT his tongue.
  83. Why was the math textbook very sad? It had so many PROBLEMS.
  84. Why will sharks eat anything but clowns? They taste FUNNY.