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Book of Kevin
Chapter 1 verse 1
In the beggining, there was only Ted and booze. When Ted had drank all the booze, he looked around and needed to take a piss. He took a piss, and thus created all the universe, for we are derived from the piss of Ted.
Chapter 1 verse 2
After Ted had pissed out the earth, he looked at it and saw that it sucked. Thus he created Marijuana, and after that he created LSD, and then Shrooms, Coke, Heroin, and many other mind altering substances. Ted them consumed those substances and for many days hence he forgot to shave or bathe.
Chapter 1 verse 3
And Ted did wander the earth for a while. And he did wear a shirt made of hemp, and did wear pants which he found. Ted did live in a hippy commune, wear he did not bathe, but he ate much unshaven pussy, and it was good.
Chapter 1 verse 4
But lo, came a time when our lord Ted did run out of the good weed, and the hippy chicks left him and Ted could not eat Pussy as frequently as he liked. Our lord then fell into dispair. But lo, he did then drop some acid (three tabs!), and many thoughts came to our Lord. He did pray, but since he was god, he was praying to himself, and recieving the prayers, and it went in an infinite circle, and it was quite a freaky trip, dude.
Chapter 1 Verse 5
Lo, and behold, for within lies the words of Ted. For many days afterwards did Ted wander the world. Then one day he came upon YouTube, and the Lord Ted preach his message of....whatever that happened to be. But lo, many times was he ignored.
Chapter 1 verse 22
Ted continues we stopped at a village where there was a women about 24 years of age. She was blind...so our Ted stick out his cock. And told her to jerk it until the mystical liquids squirts out.
Chapter 1 verse 23
He squirts on her face then rubbed it on her eyes. He told the women to wash her face out at the river near by. She did wat she was told! After she washed her face! SHE OPENS HER EYES AND SHE COULD SEE AGAIN!! She told the villagers wat happened soon everyone came to our Messiah, Ted to get his MYSTYCAL LIQUID!!!
Chapter 1 verse 69
Ted, the almighty god, has fucked all the females in the world with his allmighty DICK. I tell YOU! I've seen it with my own eyes! It was incredible!