The RS Mr. Conductor and Friends version of Bumper Special is a TV/Thomas parody of the Thomas UK video of the same name. It features seventeen first season episodes of RS Mr. Conductor the Conductor and Friends narrated by Ringo Starr.


  • RS Mr. Conductor (from Shining Time Station) as Thomas
  • Edd (from Ed, Edd n Eddy) as Edward
  • Homer (from The Simpsons) as Henry
  • Garfield (from Garfield and Friends) as Gordon
  • Schemer (from Shining Time Station) as James
  • Bart (from The Simpsons) as Percy
  • Grandpa Dave (from Arthur) as Toby
  • Patty (from The Simpsons) as Annie
  • Selma (from The Simpsons) as Clarabel
  • Lanolin (from Garfield/US Acres) as Henrietta
  • Scooby Doo (from Scooby Doo) as Terence
  • Ten Cents (from TUGS) as Bertie
  • Mayor Adam West (from Family Guy) as Sir Topham Hatt
  • Phil (from Rugrats) as Stephen Hatt
  • Lil (from Rugrats) as Bridget Hatt
  • Eustace (from Courage the Cowardly Dog) as Jeremiah Jobling
  • Mrs. Twombly (from Littlest Pet Shop (2012)) as Mrs. Kyndley
  • Principal Skinner (from The Simpsons) as The Inspector
  • Bluenose (from TUGS) as The Angry Policeman
  • Bailey (from Arthur) as Sir Topham Hatt's Butler
  • Flowers (from Alice in Wonderland) as The Coaches
  • Goombas (from Mario) as The Troublesome Trucks
  • Carol Pewterschimdt (from Family Guy) as Lady Hatt (does not speak)
  • Sally Acorn (from Sonic the Hedgehog) as The Storyteller (cameo)
  • Everyone else as Themselves


  1. The Sad Story of Homer
  2. Edd, Garfield and Homer
  3. RS Mr. Conductor and the Breakdown Crane
  4. Schemer and the Flowers
  5. Troublesome Goombas
  6. Schemer and the Express
  7. RS Mr. Conductor and the Guard
  8. RS Mr. Conductor Goes Fishing
  9. RS Mr. Conductor, Scooby Doo and the Snow
  10. RS Mr. Conductor and Ten Cents
  11. Medicine
  12. The Flying Kipper
  13. Whistles and Sneezes
  14. Grandpa Dave and the Stout Gentleman
  15. RS Mr. Conductor in Trouble
  16. Down the Mine
  17. Thomas' Christmas Party


The Sad Story of Homer

Narrator: "Once a man taking some flowers was afraid of a few drops of rain. It went into a tunnel and squeaked through its head and wouldn't come out again.

The man's name is Homer. His driver and fireman argued with him, but he would not move."

Homer: "The rain will spoil my lovely white shirt and blue pants."

Narrator: "He said. The guard blew his whistle till he had no more breath and waved his flag till his arms ached. But Homer still stayed in the tunnel and kicked dirt at him."

Homer: "I'm not going to spoil my lovely white shirt and blue pants for you."

Narrator: "Then, along came Mayor Adam West, the man in charged of all the TV Characters in TV Land."

Mayor Adam West: "We will pull you out."

Narrator: "Said Mayor West. But Homer only kicked dirt at him."

Narrator: "Everyone pull except Mayor West."

Mayor Adam West: "Because, (cough)"

Narrator: "He said."

Mayor Adam West: "My doctor had forbidden me to pull."

Narrator: "But still Homer stayed in the tunnel.

Then they tried pushing from the other end. Mayor West said,"

Mayor Adam West: "One, two, three, push!"

Narrator: "But he didn't help."

Mayor Adam West: "(cough) My doctor has forbidden me to push."

Narrator: "He said. They pushed and pushed and pushed. But still Homer stayed in the tunnel.

At last, RS Mr. Conductor came along. The guard waved his red flag and stopped him. Everyone argued with Homer."

Passengers: "Look, it has stopped raining."

Narrator: "They said."

Homer: "Yes, but it will begin again soon."

Narrator: "Said Homer."

Homer: "And what would become of my white shirt and blue pants then?"

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor pushed and puffed, and pushed as hard as ever he could. But still Homer stayed in the tunnel.

Eventually, even Mayor West gave up."

Mayor Adam West: "We shall take away your road."

Narrator: "He said."

Mayor Adam West: "And leave you here for always and always and always."

Narrator: "They took up the old road and built a wall in front of him so Homer couldn't get out of the tunnel anymore.

All he could do was to watch the TV Characters rushing through the other tunnel. He was very sad because he thought no one would ever see his lovely white shirt and blue pants again. As time went on, Edd and Garfield would often pass by. Edd would say,"

Edd: "Hello."

Narrator: "And Garfield would say,"

Garfield: "Serves you right!"

Narrator: "Poor Homer had no strength to answer. His stamina had gone low. Soot and dirt from the tunnel spoiled his lovely white shirt and blue pants anyway. He wondered if he would ever be allowed to take flowers again. But I think he deserved his punishment, don't you?"

Edd, Garfield and Homer

Narrator: "Garfield always took the express flowers. He was proud of being the only TV Character strong enough to do so. It was full of important people, like Mayor Adam West, and Garfield was seeing how fast he could go."

Garfield: "Hurry, hurry, hurry!"

Narrator: "He said."

Flowers: "Trickety-trock, trickety-trock, trickety-trock."

Narrator: "Said the flowers. In a minute, Garfield would see the tunnel where Homer stood bricked up and lonely."

Homer: "Oh dear."

Narrator: "Thought Homer."

Homer: "Why did I worry about rain spoiling my lovely clothes? Will Mayor West ever forgive me and let me out again?"

Garfield: "I'm going to whistle at Homer."

Narrator: "Said Garfield. He was almost there when... (Wheeshing sound), and there was Garfield going slower and slower in a cloud of dust. His driver stopped him."

Garfield: "What has happened to me?"

Narrator: "Asked Garfield."

Garfield: "I feel so weak."

Garfield's Driver: "You've pulled a muscle."

Narrator: "Said his driver."

Garfield's Driver: "You can't take the flowers anymore."

Garfield: "Oh dear."

Narrator: "Said Garfield."

Garfield: "We were going so nicely too. And look, there's Homer laughing at me."

Narrator: "Everyone came to see Garfield."

Mayor Adam West: "Humph!"

Narrator: "Said Mayor West."

Mayor Adam West: "I never liked these big TV Characters, always going wrong. Send for another TV Character at once."

Narrator: "While the guard went to find one, they brought Garfield in a siding out of the way.

Edd was the only TV Character left."

Edd: "I'll come and try."

Narrator: "He said."

Garfield: "Pooh!"

Narrator: "Said Garfield."

Garfield: "That's no use. Edd can't push the flowers."

Narrator: "Edd puffed and pushed and pushed and puffed, but he couldn't move the heavy flowers."

Garfield: "I told you so."

Narrator: "Said Garfield."

Garfield: "Why not let Homer try?"

Mayor Adam West: "Yes."

Narrator: "Said Mayor Adam West."

Mayor Adam West: "I will.

Will you help take the flowers, Homer?"

Narrator: "He asked."

Homer: "Oh yes."

Narrator: "Said Homer.

When Homer had got up strength, he puffed out. He was dirty and covered with cobwebs."

Homer: "Ooh! I'm stiff, I'm stiff."

Narrator: "He groaned."

Mayor Adam West: "Have a run to ease your legs, and find a turntable."

Narrator: "Said Mayor West.

When Homer came back, he felt much better. Then they hooked him up."

Edd: "Peep, peep."

Narrator: "Said Edd."

Edd: "I'm ready."

Homer: "Peep, peep, peep."

Narrator: "Said Homer."

Homer: "So am I."

Edd and Homer: "Pull hard. We'll do it. Pull hard. We'll do it."

Narrator: "They puffed together."

Edd and Homer: "We've done it together. We've done it together."

Narrator: "Said Edd and Homer."

Flowers: "You've done it, hurray! You've done it, hurray!"

Narrator: "Sang the flowers. Everyone was excited. Mayor West leaned out to wave at Edd and Homer, but they were going so fast that his hat blew off into a field where a goat ate it for tea.

They never stopped till they came to the station at the end of the path. The passengers all said "Thank you". And Mayor West promised Homer some new clothes.

On their way home, Edd and Homer helped Garfield back to the house. All three TV Characters are now great friends. Homer doesn't mind the rain now. He knows that the best way to keep his clothes nice is not to run into tunnels but to ask his driver to wash him when the day's work is over."

RS Mr. Conductor and the Breakdown Crane

Narrator: "Every day, Mayor Adam West came to the station to see the TV Characters."

Mayor Adam West: "Hello."

Narrator: "He always said to RS Mr. Conductor."

Mayor Adam West: "Remember, don't be impatient, RS Mr. Conductor. You can never be as strong and fast as Garfield, but you can be a really useful conductor. Don't let the silly goombas tease you."

Narrator: "There were lots of goombas, and RS Mr. Conductor worked very hard pushing and pulling them into place. There was also a small trailer and two strange things his driver called cranes."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "That's the breakdown crane."

Narrator: "He told RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "The cranes are for lifting heavy things, like TV Characters, and flowers, and goombas."

Narrator: "One day, RS Mr. Conductor was in the yard. Suddenly, he heard a man screaming."

Schemer: "Help! Help!"

Narrator: "A Man came rushing through, much too fast. The man was Schemer, and he was frightened. His shoes were on fire."

Schemer: "They're pushing me, they're pushing me!"

Narrator: "He panted."

Goombas: "On, on, on!"

Narrator: "Laughed the goombas.

Still screaming,"

Schemer: "Help! Help!"

Narrator: "Poor Schemer disappeared."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I'd like to teach those goombas a lesson."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor.

Soon came the alarm."

Signalman: "Schemer's off the path, the breakdown crane, quickly!"

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor grabbed the crane, and off they went.

RS Mr. Conductor worked his hardest."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Hurry, hurry, hurry!"

Narrator: "He puffed. He wasn't pretending to be like Garfield; he really meant it."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Bother those goombas and their tricks. I hope poor Schemer isn't hurt."

Narrator: "Schemer's driver and fireman were feeling him all over, to see if he was hurt."

Schemer's Driver and Fireman: "Never mind, Schemer."

Narrator: "They said."

Schemer's Driver and Fireman: "It wasn't your fault. It was those shoes they gave you. We always said they were no good."

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor pushed the breakdown crane alongside. Then he pulled the unhurt goombas out of the way."

Goombas: "Oh, dear, oh, dear!"

Narrator: "They groaned."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Serves you right, serves you right!"

Narrator: "Puffed RS Mr. Conductor.

He was hard at work, puffing backwards and forwards all day."

RS Mr. Conductor: "This will teach you a lesson. This will teach you a lesson."

Narrator: "He told the goombas.

And they answered,"

Goombas: "Yes it will, yes it will."

Narrator: "They left the broken goombas, then with two cranes, they put Schemer back on the path.

He tried to move, but he couldn't, so RS Mr. Conductor helped him back home.

Mayor West was waiting anxiously for them."

Mayor Adam West: "Well, RS Mr. Conductor,"

Narrator: "He said,"

Mayor Adam West: "I've heard all about it, and I'm very pleased with you. You're a really useful conductor.

Schemer shall have some proper shoes and some new clothes, and you shall have a route all to yourself."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Oh, thank you, sir!"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor.

Now RS Mr. Conductor is as happy as can be. He has a route, and two sisters called Patty and Selma. He puffs proudly backwards and forwards with them all day.

He is never lonely. Edd and Homer stop quite often and tell him the news.

Garfield is always in a hurry, but never forgets to whistle to RS Mr. Conductor, and RS Mr. Conductor always whistles in return."

Schemer and the Flowers

Narrator: "Schemer was enjoying his life in TV Land, but he still had a lot to learn."

Mayor Adam West: "You're a special mixed-traffic man."

Narrator: "Said Mayor Adam West."

Mayor Adam West: "You can take flowers and goombas quite easily, but you must learn by your mistakes."

Narrator: "Schemer knew what Mayor West meant. He could well remember that dreadful accident on his first day."

Edd: "Be careful with the flowers, Schemer."

Narrator: "Said Edd."

Edd: "They don't like being bumped."

Narrator: "Everyone came to admire Schemer."

Schemer: "I'm a really splendid man"

Narrator: "He thought, and suddenly danced up a sweat. A shower of sweat fell on Mayor West's nice new top hat.

Just then, the guard blew his whistle, and Schemer thought they had better go."

Schemer: "Go on! Go on!"

Narrator: "He puffed to Edd."

Edd: "Don't push! Don't push!"

Narrator: "Replied Edd. The flowers were grumbling too."

Flowers: "Don't go so fast! Don't go so fast!"

Narrator: "But Schemer didn't listen.

When at last, they stopped at the next station, two flowers were beyond the platform. They had to go back to drop off their passengers. But no one seemed to know about Mayor West's new hat, so Schemer felt happier.

Presently, they came to the station where RS Mr. Conductor was waiting with his two sisters-in-law."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Hello, Schemer."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Feeling better? That's right.

Oh, that's my guard's whistle. I must go. I don't know what Mayor West would do without me to run this path."

Narrator: "And he puffed off importantly.

Edd and Schemer passed the field where Schemer had had his accident. The fence was mended and the cows were back again.

They ended their journey, and rested before setting off for home. Schemer was still wondering what Mayor West would have to say about his new hat.

Next morning, Mayor West spoke severely to him."

Mayor Adam West: "If you can't behave, I shall take away your favorite clothes, and have you wear stripes."

Narrator: "Schemer didn't like that at all.

He was very rough with the grumbling flowers as he brought them to the platform."

Schemer: "Don't talk! Come on!"

Narrator: "He called to them."

Schemer: "Garfield never has to fetch his own flowers,"

Narrator: "He huffed to himself."

Schemer: "And he only wears orange."

Narrator: "To make Schemer even more cross, this time no one came near him."

Schemer: "I'll show them!"

Narrator: "He thought.

Schemer: "They think Garfield is the only TV Character who can take flowers.

Hurry, hurry, hurry!"

Narrator: "Puffed Schemer."

Flowers: "You're going too fast! You're going too fast!"

Narrator: "Replied the flowers. Schemer laughed and tried to go faster, but the flowers wouldn't let him."

Flowers: "We're going to stop."

Narrator: "They said."

Flowers: "We're going to stop!"

Schemer: "What's the matter?"

Narrator: "Schemer asked his driver."

Schemer's Driver: "The flowers are hard on. Leak in the pot most likely. You've banged the flowers enough to make a leak in anything."

Guard: "How should we mend it?"

Narrator: "Said the Guard."

Schemer's Driver: "We'll do it with newspaper and a leather bootlace."

Narrator: "Replied the driver."

Guard: "Well, where is the bootlace coming from?"

Narrator: "Asked the guard."

Schemer's Driver: "Ask the passengers."

Narrator: "Said the driver."

Guard: "You have leather bootlace there, I see, sir."

Narrator: "Said the guard to Eustace Bagge, a smarty dressed man."

Guard: "Please give it to me."

Eustace Bagge: "I won't!"

Narrator: "Said Eustace."

Guard: "Then,"

Narrator: "Said the guard,"

Guard: "I'm afraid we'll all have to stay where we are."

Narrator: "The passengers all said what a bad land it was. Then they told Eustace how bad he was instead. Everyone was very cross.

At last, he handed his laces over.

The driver tied a pad of newspaper tightly around the hole in the pot, and Schemer was able to take the flowers.

But he was a sadder and wiser Schemer, and took care never to bump flowers again."

Troublesome Goombas

Narrator: "Schemer had not seen Mayor Adam West for several days. He was left alone for being naughty and was not even allowed out to work with flowers or goombas in the yard."

Schemer: "Oh dear!"

Narrator: "He thought."

Schemer: "I shall have to stay in here for always and no one will see my splendid clothes again all because I went so fast that I made a hole in one of my flowers that had to be mended with, of all things, a passenger's bootlace."

Narrator: "At last, Mayor West arrived."

Mayor Adam West: "I see you are sorry, Schemer."

Narrator: "He said."

Mayor Adam West: "I hope now you will be a better man. You have given me a lot of trouble. People are laughing at my land and I don't like that at all."

Schemer: "I'm very sorry, sir."

Narrator: "Said Schemer."

Schemer: "I will try hard to behave."

Mayor Adam West: "That's a good man."

Narrator: "Said Mayor West."

Mayor Adam West: "I want you to take some goombas for me."

Narrator: "Schemer was delighted and puffed away."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Here are your goombas, Schemer."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Have you got some bootlaces ready?"

Narrator: "And he ran off laughing."

Goombas: "Uh-oh! Oh!"

Narrator: "Said the goombas."

Goombas: "We want a proper TV Character. Not a big monster."

Narrator: "Schemer took no notice and started as soon as the guard was ready."

Schemer: "Come along, come along."

Narrator: "He puffed."

Goombas: "We won't, we won't!"

Narrator: "Screamed the goombas. But Schemer didn't care and pull the screeching goombas sternly out of the station.

The goombas tried hard to make him give up, but he still kept on. Sometimes, they'd come to a standstill. And sometimes their feet would run hot. And each time, the trouble had to be put right. And each time, Schemer would start again determined not to let them beat him."

Goombas: "Give up, give up! You can't pull us! You can't, you can't!"

Narrator: "Called the goombas."

Schemer: "I can and I will! I can and I will!"

Narrator: "Puffed Schemer. Slowly but surely, he pulled them along the path.

At last they saw Garfield's Hill."

Schemer's Driver: "Look out for trouble, Schemer."

Narrator: "Warned his driver."

Schemer's Driver: "We'll go fast and get them up before they know it. Don't let them stop you."

Narrator: "So Schemer went faster and soon they were half way up."

Schemer: "I'm doing it, I'm doing it!"

Narrator: "He panted."

Schemer: "Will the top never come?"

Narrator: "Then, with a sudden jerk, it all came easier."

Schemer: "I've done it, I've done it!"

Narrator: "He puffed."

Schemer: "Hooray! It's easy now."

Narrator: "But he driver shut off steam."

Schemer's Driver: "They've done it again. We've left our tail behind. Look."

Narrator: "The last goombas were running backwards down the hill. The rope had snapped. But the guard stopped the goombas and got out to warn approaching TV Characters."

Schemer: "That's why it was easy."

Narrator: "Said Schemer, as he back the other goombas carefully down."

Schemer: "What silly things goombas are! There might had been an accident."

Edd: "Shall I help you, Schemer?"

Narrator: "Called Edd."

Schemer: "No, thank you."

Narrator: "Answered Schemer."

Schemer: "I'll pull them myself."

Edd: "Good. Don't let them beat you. You're doing well."

Narrator: "Whistled Edd, as Schemer slowly struggled up the hill."

Schemer: "I can do it, I can do it!"

Narrator: "He puffed. He pulled and puffed as hard as he could."

Schemer: "I've done it, I've done it!"

Narrator: "He panted.

They reach the station safely and Schemer was resting when Edd pulled up."

Edd: "Peep, peep!"

Narrator: "He whistled. Then, Schemer saw Mayor West."

Schemer: "Oh dear! What will he say?"

Narrator: "He asked himself.

But Mayor West was smiling."

Mayor Adam West: "I was with Edd and I saw everything."

Narrator: "He said."

Mayor Adam West: "You made the most troublesome goombas on the path behave. After that, you deserve to keep your favorite clothes."

Schemer and the Express

Narrator: "One night, Homer and Garfield were alone with Schemer. Although Mayor Adam West was beginning to think well of him, whenever a chance came, the other TV Characters would talk of nothing but bootlaces."

Homer and Garfield: "Remember the time one had to be used to get you out of trouble, Schemer?"

Narrator: "They would tease. Schemer tried to get his own back by talking about TV Characters who got shut up in tunnels and stuck on hills, but they wouldn't listen."

Garfield: "You talk too much little Schemer."

Narrator: "Said Garfield."

Garfield: "A fine strong cat like me has something to talk about. I'm the only TV Character who can take the express flowers. When I'm not there, they need two TV Characters. Think of that? I've taken express flowers for years and have never once lost my way. I seem to know the right path by instinct."

Narrator: "Every wise TV Character knows of course that the signalman makes the TV Characters run on the right path, but Garfield was so proud, he had forgotten."

Garfield: "Wake up, Schemer."

Narrator: "Said Garfield next morning."

Garfield: "It's nearly time for the express. What are you doing? Odd jobs? Ah well, we all have to begin somewhere, don't we? Run along and get my flowers. Don't be late."

Narrator: "Schemer went to fetch Garfield's flowers. They were all shiny with new petals. He was careful not to bump them, and they follow him smoothly into the station, singing happily,"

Flowers: "We're going away, we're going away."

Schemer: "I wish I was going with you."

Narrator: "Said Schemer."

Schemer: "I should love to take the express and go flying along the path."

Narrator: "Garfield, with much noise, got ready to back down onto the line.

Mayor West was with the flowers with other important people. And as soon so they heard the guard's whistle, Garfield started."

Garfield: "Look at me now, look at me now."

Narrator: "He puffed, as the flowers glided after him."

Garfield: "Goodbye little Schemer. See you tomorrow."

Narrator: "Schemer watch the line disappear and then went back to work. He pushed some goombas into their proper sidings, and went to fetch the flowers for another TV Character.

Schemer had just brought the flowers to the platform when he heard a mournful noise.

There was Garfield trying to sidle into the station without being noticed."

Schemer: "Hello, Garfield. Is it tomorrow?"

Narrator: "Asked Schemer. Garfield didn't answer, he just kicked at the ground feebly."

Schemer: "Did you lose your way, Garfield?"

Narrator: "Said Schemer."

Garfield: "No, it was lost for me. I turned off the main path and onto the loop. I had to go all around and back again."

Schemer: "Perhaps it was instinct."

Narrator: "Said Schemer.

Meanwhile, all the passengers hurried to the booking office."

Passengers: "We want our money back!"

Narrator: "They shouted. But Mayor West climbed onto a trolley, and blew the guard's whistle so loudly that they all stopped to look at him. Then he promised them a new TV Character at once."

Mayor Adam West: "Garfield can't do it. Will you take it for us, Schemer?"

Schemer: "Yes, sir. I'll try."

Narrator: "So Schemer was hooked up, and everyone got on."

Mayor Adam West: "Do your best, Schemer."

Narrator: "Said Mayor West."

Schemer: "Come along, come along."

Narrator: "Said Schemer."

Flowers: "You're pulling us well, you're pulling us well."

Narrator: "Sang the flowers.

Bridges and stations flashed by, the passengers cheered and they soon reached the station. Everyone said 'Thank you' to Schemer, and Mayor West was very impressed."

Mayor Adam West: "Well done!"

Narrator: "He said."

Mayor Adam West: "Would you like to take the express sometimes?"

Schemer: "Yes, please!"

Narrator: "Answered Schemer.

Next day, when Schemer came by, Garfield was pushing goombas."

Garfield: "I like some quiet work for a change."

Narrator: "He said."

Garfield: "I'm teaching these goombas manners. You did well with those flowers I hear. Good, we'll show them."

Narrator: "And he gave his goombas a bump.

Schemer and Garfield are now good friends. Schemer sometimes takes the express to give Garfield a rest. Garfield never talks about bootlaces, and they are both quite agreed on the subject of goombas."

RS Mr. Conductor and the Guard

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor is very proud of his route. He thinks it's the most important part of TV Land. His two sisters-in-law, Patty and Selma agree with him.

Patty can only take passengers, but Selma can take passengers, luggage and the guard. They are both old need new clothes, but RS Mr. Conductor loves them very much.

As they run backwards and forwards along the path, they sing songs to each other. When RS Mr. Conductor starts from a station, he sings,"

RS Mr. Conductor: "Oh, come along, we're rather late, oh, come along, we're rather late."

Narrator: "And the sisters-in-law sing,"

Patty and Selma: "We're coming along, we're coming along."

Narrator: "They don't mind what RS Mr. Conductor sings to them because they know he is trying to please Mayor Adam West. And they know too that if RS Mr. Conductor is cross, he's not cross with them.

One day, they had to wait for Homer's passengers, which made RS Mr. Conductor very cross."

RS Mr. Conductor: "How can I run my route properly if Homer's always late? He doesn't realize that Mayor West depends on me."

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor whistled impatiently. He wanted to leave, but he had to wait for Homer's passengers.

At last, Homer came."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Where have been lazybones?"

Narrator: "Asked RS Mr. Conductor."

Homer: "Oh dear, my body is out of order. No one understands my case. You don't know what I suffer."

Narrator: "Moaned Homer."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Rubbish!"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "You're too fat! You need exercise!"

Narrator: "The guard blew his whistle, and RS Mr. Conductor started so quickly that he left him behind. The guard waved his red flag to stop RS Mr. Conductor, but he was well on his way hurrying out of the station."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Come along, come along."

Narrator: "Puffed RS Mr. Conductor. But Selma didn't want to come."

Selma: "I've lost my nice guard, I've lost my nice guard."

Narrator: "She sobbed.

Patty tried to tell RS Mr. Conductor what had happened."

Patty: "We haven't a guard, we haven't a guard!"

Narrator: "But he was hurrying and wouldn't listen. Patty and Selma tried to stop, but they couldn't without the guard."

Patty and Selma: "Where is our guard? Where is our guard?"

Narrator: "They cried. But RS Mr. Conductor didn't stop till they came to a signal."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Bother that signal!"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "What's the matter?"

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "I don't know."

Narrator: "Said his driver."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "The guard will tell us in a minute."

Narrator: "They waited and waited, but the guard didn't come."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Peep, peep, peep! Where is the guard?"

Narrator: "Whistled RS Mr. Conductor."

Patty and Selma: "We've left him behind."

Narrator: "Sobbed Patty and Selma together.

Everyone looked, and there was the guard running as fast as he could along the path with his flags in one hand and his whistle in the other. He was very hot. So he had a drink, and told them all about it."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I'm very sorry, Mr. Guard."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

Guard: "It wasn't your fault, RS Mr. Conductor."

Narrator: "He replied."

Guard: "Look, the signal is down. We can go. Let's make up for lost time."

Narrator: "Patty and Selma were so pleased to have their guard again that they sang,"

Patty and Selma: "As fast as you like, as fast as you like."

Narrator: "To RS Mr. Conductor all the way.

They reached the end of the route quicker than ever before."

RS Mr. Conductor Goes Fishing

Narrator: "When RS Mr. Conductor walked along his path, he always looked forward to something special...the sight of the river. As he rumbled over he bridge, he would see people fishing. RS Mr. Conductor often wanted to stay and watch. But his driver said,"

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "No. What would Mayor Adam West say if we were late?"

Narrator: "Every time he met another TV Character, he would say,"

RS Mr. Conductor: "I want to fish."

Narrator: "But they all had the same answer."

Schemer: "Conductors don't go fishing."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Silly stick-in-the-muds."

Narrator: "Thought RS Mr. Conductor.

One day he stopped as usual to get a drink of water at the station by the river."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Out of order! Bother!"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I'm thirsty."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "Never mind."

Narrator: "Said his driver."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "We'll get some water from the river."

Narrator: "They found a bucket and some rope, and went to the bridge.

Then the driver let the bucket down to the water. The bucket was old and had five holes. So they had to fill it, pull it up and give it to RS Mr. Conductor as quickly as they could several times over.

They finished at last."

RS Mr. Conductor: "That's good. That's good."

Narrator: "Puffed RS Mr. Conductor. And Patty and Selma ran happily behind.

Suddenly RS Mr. Conductor began to feel a pain in his body. Gold dust began to come from him in an alarming way."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "There's too much gold dust."

Narrator: "Said his driver."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Oh dear!"

Narrator: "Groaned RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I'm going to burst! I'm going to burst!"

Narrator: "They fanned away the gold dust and struggled on."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I've got such a pain. I've got such a pain."

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor hissed.

They stopped just outside the last station, unhooked Patty and Selma, and ran RS Mr. Conductor, who was still hissing fit to burst, on a siding right out of the way.

Then, while the guard telephoned for a conductor inspector, the driver found notices in large letter which he hung on RS Mr. Conductor in front and behind.


Soon Principal Skinner and Mayor West arrived."

Mayor Adam West and Principal Skinner: "Cheer up, RS Mr. Conductor."

Narrator: "They said."

Mayor Adam West and Principal Skinner: "We'll soon put you right."

Narrator: "The driver told them what had happened."

Principal Skinner: "So his stomach is too full."

Narrator: "Said Skinner."

Principal Skinner: "I'll just look inside."

Narrator: "He peered inside. Then he turned to Mayor West."

Principal Skinner: "Excuse me, sir. Please look inside and tell me what you see."

Mayor Adam West: "Certainly, Skinner."

Narrator: "Replied Mayor West. He looked in and nearly fell down in surprise."

Mayor Adam West: "Skinner,"

Narrator: "He whispered."

Mayor Adam West: "Can you see fish?

Gracious goodness me. How did the fish get there, driver?"

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "We must have fished them from the river with our bucket."

Narrator: "Replied RS Mr. Conductor's driver."

Mayor Adam West: "Well, RS Mr. Conductor. So you and your driver have been fishing. But fish don't suit you. We must get them out."

Narrator: "They all took turns at fishing in RS Mr. Conductor while Mayor West looked on and told them how to do it. When they had caught all the fish, they had a lovely picnic supper of fish and chips."

Mayor Adam West: "Hmmm. That was good."

Narrator: "Said Mayor West."

Mayor Adam West: "But fish don't suit you, RS Mr. Conductor. So you mustn't do it again."

RS Mr. Conductor: "No sir, I won't."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor sadly."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Conductors don't go fishing. It's too uncomfortable."

RS Mr. Conductor, Scooby Doo and the Snow

Narrator: "Autumn had come to TV Land. The fields were changing from yellow stubble to brown earth, and a dog was hard at work as RS Mr. Conductor puffed along.

Later, RS Mr. Conductor saw the dog close by."

Scooby Doo: "Hello."

Narrator: "Said the dog."

Scooby Doo: "I'm Scooby Doo. I'm plowing."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I'm RS Mr. Conductor. My sisters-in-law and I are taking passengers. What ugly feet you've got."

Scooby Doo: "They're not ugly! They're paws."

Narrator: "Said Scooby Doo."

Scooby Doo: "I can go anywhere. I don't need the road."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I don't want to go anywhere."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I like my road, thank you."

Narrator: "Winter came with dark clouds full of snow."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "I don't like it."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor's Driver."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "A heavy fall is coming. I hope it doesn't stop us."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Puh!"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Soft stuff. Nothing to it."

Narrator: "And he puffed on, feeling cold but confident.

They finished their journey safely, but by now, the country was covered."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "You'll need your snow boots for the next journey, RS Mr. Conductor."

Narrator: "Said his driver."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Puh! Snow is silly soft stuff. It won't stop me."

Narrator: "The snow boots were heavy and uncomfortable and made RS Mr. Conductor cross. He shook them, and he banged them, and when he got back, they were so damaged that the driver had to take them off."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "You're a very naughty conductor!"

Narrator: "He said to RS Mr. Conductor.

Next morning, RS Mr. Conductor's driver and fireman came early, and worked hard to mend the snow boots, but they couldn't make them fit.

RS Mr. Conductor was pleased."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I shan't have to wear them! I shan't have to wear them!"

Narrator: "He puffed to Patty and Selma. But they were rather worried."

Patty and Selma: "I hope it's all right. I hope it's all right."

Narrator: "They whispered to each other.

The driver was worried, too."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "It's not bad here,"

Narrator: "He said to the fireman."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "But it's sure to be deep in the valley!"

RS Mr. Conductor: "Silly soft stuff."

Narrator: "Puffed RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I didn't need those stupid things yesterday, and I shan't today. Snow can't stop me!"

Narrator: "He rushed into a tunnel, thinking how clever he was, but there was trouble ahead."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Gold dust and whistles!"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I'm stuck!"

Narrator: "And he was.

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "Back, RS Mr. Conductor, back!"

Narrator: "Said his driver.

RS Mr. Conductor tried, but his feet spun and he couldn't move.

The guard went back for help, while everyone else tried to dig the snow away. But as fast as they dug, more snow slid down until RS Mr. Conductor was nearly buried."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Oh my legs and hands! I shall have to stop here till' I'm frozen. What a silly conductor I am!"

Narrator: "And RS Mr. Conductor began to cry.

At last, a tug came to rescue the passengers, and then, who should come to RS Mr. Conductor's rescue but Scooby Doo! Snow never worries him.

He pulled the sisters-in-law away, then came back for RS Mr. Conductor.

RS Mr. Conductor's feet were clear, but still spun when he tried to move.

Scooby Doo tugged and slipped and slipped and tugged, and at last dragged RS Mr. Conductor clear of the snow, ready for the journey home."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Thank you, Scooby Doo. Your paws are splendid."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "I hope you'll be sensible now, RS Mr. Conductor."

Narrator: "Said his driver."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I'll try."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor, and he puffed humbly away."

RS Mr. Conductor and Ten Cents

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor was waiting at a junction when a tug arrived."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Hello,"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Who are you?"

Ten Cents: "I'm Ten Cents. Who are you?"

RS Mr. Conductor: "I'm RS Mr. Conductor. I run this route."

Ten Cents: "So you're RS Mr. Conductor, eh? I remember now. You got stuck in the snow. I took your passengers and Scooby Doo the Dog pulled you out. I've come to help you with your passengers today."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Help me?"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I can go faster than you."

Ten Cents: "You can't."

Narrator: "Said Ten Cents."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I can!"

Narrator: "Huffed RS Mr. Conductor."

Ten Cents: "I'll race you."

Narrator: "Said Ten Cents.

Their drivers agreed to the race going ahead.

The stationmaster said,

Stationmaster: "Are you ready? Go!"

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor never could go fast at first, and Ten Cents drew in front.

Patty and Selma: "Why don't you go fast? Why don't you go fast?"

Narrator: "Called Patty and Selma."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Wait and see, wait and see."

Narrator: "Hissed RS Mr. Conductor."

Patty and Selma: "He's a long way ahead!"

Narrator: "They wailed.

But RS Mr. Conductor didn't mind. He'd remembered the level crossing.

There was Ten Cents, waiting at the gates, while they sailed gaily through."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Goodbye, Ten Cents!"

Narrator: "Called RS Mr. Conductor.

After that, the path left the river, so they couldn't see Ten Cents.

Then, they had to stop at the station to let off passengers."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Peep peep peep! Quickly, please!"

Narrator: "Called RS Mr. Conductor, and off they went again."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Come along, come along!"

Narrator: "Sang RS Mr. Conductor."

Patty and Selma: "We're coming along, we're coming along!"

Narrator: "Sang Patty and Selma."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Hurry, hurry, hurry!"

Narrator: "Panted RS Mr. Conductor, then he looked ahead. There was Ten Cents, tooting triumphantly on his whistle."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Oh, dearie me. Oh, dearie me."

Narrator: "Groaned RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "Steady, RS Mr. Conductor."

Narrator: "Said his driver."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "We'll beat Ten Cents yet."

Patty and Selma: "We'll beat Ten Cents yet, we'll beat Ten Cents yet."

Narrator: "Echoed Patty and Selma."

RS Mr. Conductor: "We'll do it, we'll do it."

Narrator: "Panted RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Oh, bother! There's a station."

Narrator: "Then, he heard Ten Cents."

Ten Cents: "Goodbye, RS Mr. Conductor! You must be tired. Sorry I can't stop. We tugs have to work, you know. Good-bye."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Oh, dear."

Narrator: "Thought RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "We've lost."

Narrator: "But he felt better after a drink.

The signal dropped."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Hurrah, we're off! Hurrah, we're off!"

Narrator: "Puffed RS Mr. Conductor.

As they crossed the bridge, they heard an impatient 'Toot! Toot!'.

There was Ten Cents, waiting at the traffic lights.

He started with a roar, and chased on after RS Mr. Conductor again.

Now, RS Mr. Conductor reached his full speed. Ten Cents tried hard, but RS Mr. Conductor was too fast.

Whistling triumphantly, he plunged into the tunnel, leaving Ten Cents far behind."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I've done it! I've done it!"

Narrator: "Panted RS Mr. Conductor."

Patty and Selma: "We've done it, hooray! We've done it, hooray!"

Narrator: "Chanted Patty and Selma, as they whooshed into the last station.

Everyone was there to celebrate RS Mr. Conductor's victory, but they gave Ten Cents a big welcome, too."

Ten Cents: "Well done, RS Mr. Conductor!"

Narrator: "Said Ten Cents."

Ten Cents: "That was fun. But to beat you over that hill, I should have to grow wings and be an airplane!"

Narrator: "They now keep each other very busy. They often talk about their race. But Ten Cents' passengers don't like being bounced like peas in a frying pan, and Mayor Adam West has warned RS Mr. Conductor not to race at dangerous speeds, so although, between you and me, they would like to have another race, I don't think they ever will, do you?"


Narrator: "One morning, Homer was feeling very sorry for himself. Sometimes he could work, but sometimes he had no strength at all."

Homer: "I suffer dreadfully and no one cares."

Schemer: "Rubbish, Homer!"

Narrator: "Snorted Schemer."

Schemer: "You don't work hard enough!"

Narrator: "Mayor Adam West spoke to him too."

Mayor Adam West: "You're too expensive, Homer. You've had lots of new parts and new clothes too, but they've done you no good. If we can't make you better, we must get another TV Character instead of you."

Narrator: "This made Homer, his driver and his fireman very sad.

Mayor West was waiting when Homer came to the platform. He had taken off his coat and put on overalls.

Homer managed to start, but his fireman was not satisfied."

Homer's Fireman: "Homer is a bad puller."

Narrator: "He said to Mayor West."

Homer's Fireman: "I gave him his food, but it doesn't give enough strength."

Narrator: "Homer tried very hard, but it was no good. He didn't have enough strength, and came to a stop right outside Edd's station."

Homer: "Oh dear!"

Narrator: "Thought Homer."

Homer: "I shall have to go away. Oh dear, oh dear!"

Narrator: "All he could do was to go slowly onto a siding and Edd took charge of the flowers.

Mayor West and the fireman went on discussing Homer's troubles."

Mayor Adam West: "What do you think is wrong, fireman?"

Narrator: "Asked Mayor West."

Homer's Fireman: "Excuse me, sir."

Narrator: "He said."

Homer's Fireman: "But the fact is the medicine is wrong. We've had a poor lot lately, and today it's worst. The other TV Characters can manage. They have big stomachs. Homer's is small and can't make the strength. With Welsh medicine, he'd be a different man."

Mayor Adam West: "It's expensive."

Narrator: "Said Mayor West."

Mayor Adam West: "But Homer must have a fair chance. Schemer shall go and fetch some."

Narrator: "When the Welsh medicine came, Homer's driver and fireman were excited."

Homer's Driver: "Now we'll show them, Homer old fellow!"

Narrator: "They carefully gave him his medicine giving him small bits at a time."

Homer: "You're spoiling my body!"

Narrator: "Complained Homer."

Homer's Fireman: "Wait and see."

Narrator: "Said the fireman."

Homer's Fireman: "You'll have a roaring body just when we want it."

Narrator: "The fireman was right. When Homer reached the platform, his body was good and healthy, and he had to cheer out loud."

Mayor Adam West: "How are you, Homer?"

Homer: "Peep, peep!"

Narrator: "Whistled Homer."

Homer: "I feel fine!"

Mayor Adam West: "Have you a good body, driver?"

Homer's Driver: "Never better, sir, and plenty of strength."

Mayor Adam West: "No record breaking."

Narrator: "Warned Mayor West."

Mayor Adam West: "Don't push him too hard."

Homer's Driver: "Homer won't need pushing, sir. I'll have to hold him back."

Narrator: "Homer had a lovely day. He had never felt so well in his life. He wanted to go fast, but his driver wouldn't let him."

Homer's Driver: "Steady, old fellow."

Narrator: "He would say."

Homer's Driver: "There's plenty of time."

Narrator: "They arrived early at the station. RS Mr. Conductor came in."

Homer: "Where have you been, lazybones?"

Narrator: "Asked Homer."

Homer: "Oh, I can't wait for dawdling conductors, like you. Goodbye!"

RS Mr. Conductor: "Whoosh!"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor to the sisters-in-law."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Have you ever seen anything like it?"

Narrator: "Both Patty and Selma agreed that they never had."

The Flying Kipper

Narrator: "One winter evening, Homer's driver said."

Homer's Driver: "We'll be out early tomorrow. We've got to take the Flying Kipper. Don't tell Garfield, but I think if we pull the kipper nicely, Mayor West will let us take the express flowers. The special medicine they gave you is working well."

Homer: "Hurrah!"

Narrator: "Cried Homer."

Homer: "That will be lovely."

Narrator: "All kinds of ships use the harbor at the big station by the sea. There are passenger ships, cargo ships and fishing boats also come here. They unload their fish on the key. Some of it goes to shops in the town, and the rest are given to special goombas to other places faraway. This is the line of goombas that the men call 'The Flying Kipper'.

Homer was ready at 5'o clock. There was snow and frost. Men hustled and shouted giving the goombas the crates of fish. The last door banged, the guard showed his green lamp, the Flying Kipper was ready to go."

Homer: "Come on, come on! Don't be silly, don't be silly!"

Narrator: "Huffed Homer to the goombas. The goombas shuttered and groaned."

Goombas: "Trock-trick, trock-trick! Alright, alright!"

Homer: "That is better, that is better!"

Narrator: "Puffed Homer.

Clouds of smoke and steam poured into the cold air, and the lamp shown brightly."

Homer: "Hurry, hurry, hurry!"

Narrator: "Panted Homer.

They were going well. The light grew better, signal lights showed green as they past.

Then, a yellow signal appeared ahead. His driver prepared to stop, but the home signal was down."

Homer's Driver: "All clear, Homer. Away we go."

Narrator: "They couldn't know that the points from the main path to a siding were frozen. And the home signal should've been set at danger. But snow had forced it down.

A goods load was waiting in the siding to let the Flying Kipper past. And the driver and the fireman were drinking cocoa with the guard."

Guard: "The kipper is due."

Narrator: "Said the guard."

Fireman: "Who cares?"

Narrator: "Said the fireman."

Fireman: "This is good cocoa!"

Narrator: "The driver got up."

Driver: "Come on, fireman. Back to our TV Character."

Narrator: "They got out just in time."


Narrator: "Homer's driver and fireman had jumped clear before the crash. But Homer lay dazed and surprised.

Mayor Adam West came to see him."

Homer: "The signal was down, sir."

Narrator: "Said Homer."

Mayor Adam West: "Cheer up, Homer. It wasn't your fault. Ice and snow caused the accident. I'm sending you to Crewe, a fine place for sick TV Characters. They'll give you a new shape and a larger stomach. You'll feel a different man and won't need special medicine anymore. Won't that be nice?"

Homer: "Yes, sir."

Narrator: "Said Homer doubtfully.

Homer liked being at Crewe, but was glad to come home.

A crowd of people waited to see him arrive in his new shape. He looked so splendid and strong that they gave him three cheers."

Homer: "Peep, peep!"

Narrator: "He whistled."

Homer: "Thank you very much."

Narrator: "I'm sorry to say that a lot of little children are often late for school because they wait to see Homer go by. They often see him pulling the express flowers. He does it so well that Garfield is jealous. But that's another story."

Whistles and Sneezes

Narrator: "Garfield was cross."

Garfield: "Why should Homer have a new shape?"

Narrator: "He grumbled."

Garfield: "A shape good enough for me is good enough for him. He goes gallivanting off to Crewe leaving us to do his work, and comes back saying how happy he feels. It's disgraceful!

And there's another thing; Homer whistles too much! No respectable TV Character ever whistles loudly at stations. It isn't wrong, but we just don't do it!"

Narrator: "Poor Homer didn't feel happy anymore."

Bart: "Never mind."

Narrator: "Whispered Bart."

Bart: "I'm glad you're home again. I like your whistling."

Garfield: "Goodbye, Homer."

Narrator: "Called Garfield."

Garfield: "We're glad to have you with us again. But remember what I said."

Narrator: "Later, Homer stopped at Edd's station."

Edd: "Hello, Homer."

Narrator: "Said Edd."

Edd: "You look splendid. I was pleased to hear your happy whistle yesterday."

Homer: "Thank you, Edd."

Narrator: "Smiled Homer."

Homer: "Shh, shh. Can you hear something?"

Edd: "It sounds like Garfield."

Narrator: "Said Edd."

Edd: "And it ought to be Garfield. But Garfield never whistles like that."

Narrator: "It was Garfield. He came rushing down the hill at a tremendous rate. He didn't look at Homer, and he didn't look at Edd. He screamed straight through the station and disappeared."

Edd: "Well."

Narrator: "Said Edd."

Homer: "It isn't wrong."

Narrator: "Chuckled Homer."

Homer: "But we just don't do it."

Narrator: "And he told Edd what Garfield had said.

Meanwhile, Garfield screeched along the road. The noise was awful.

At the station, everyone held their ears. Mayor West held his ears too."

Mayor Adam West: "Take him away!"

Narrator: "He bellowed."

Mayor Adam West: "And stop that noise!"

Narrator: "Garfield walked sadly away. But he wouldn't stop whistling until two fitters knocked his whistle in place.

That night, Garfield slunked into the house. He was glad it was empty."

Homer: "It isn't wrong."

Narrator: "Murmured Homer to no one in particular."

Homer: "But we just don't do it."

Narrator: "No one mentioned whistles.

Next morning, Homer was enjoying himself enormously."

Homer: "I feel so well, I feel so well."

Narrator: "He sang."

Flowers: "Trickety-trock, trickety-trock."

Narrator: "Hummed his flowers.

Then he saw some boys on a bridge."

Homer: "Peep, peep! Hello."

Narrator: "He whistled."

Homer: "Doh!"

Narrator: "He called. The boys didn't wave and take his number. They thought it fun to drop stones on him instead."

Flowers: "They've broken our pedals, they've broken our pedals!"

Narrator: "Sobbed the flowers.

The passengers weren't hurt, but they were cross."

Passengers: "Call the police!"

Homer's Driver: "No!"

Narrator: "Said the driver."

Homer's Driver: "Leave it to Homer and me."

Passengers: "What will you do?"

Narrator: "They asked."

Homer's Driver: "Can you keep a secret?"

Passengers: "Yes, yes."

Homer's Driver: "Well then."

Narrator: "Said the driver."

Homer's Driver: "Homer is going to sneeze at those boys."

Narrator: "Lots of people were waiting at the station just before the bridge. They wanted to see what would happen."

Homer's Driver: "Homer has plenty of dust."

Narrator: "Said the driver."

Homer's Driver: "Please duck down until we've passed the bridge. Homer is as excited as we are, aren't you old fellow?"

Narrator: "Homer was feeling stuffed up.

Soon they could see the boys, and they all had stones."

Homer's Driver: "Are you ready, Homer?"

Narrator: "Said his driver."

Homer's Driver: "Sneeze hard when I tell you.


Narrator: "He said."

Homer: "Atishoo!"

Homer's Driver: "Well done, Homer!"

Narrator: "Laughed his driver.

Homer went home very pleased with himself. He had taught Garfield and silly boys a lesson, with a whistle and a sneeze."

Grandpa Dave and the Stout Gentleman

Narrator: "Grandpa Dave is an old man. He wears a white shirt and blue overalls, and doesn't look like a conductor at all. He takes goombas from farms and factories to the main path, and is cheerful to everyone he meets.

He has a sheep called Lanolin, who has seen better days."

Lanolin: "It's not fair at all!"

Narrator: "She grumbles, remembering that she used to be full and nine goombas would rattle behind her.

Now, there are only three or four, for the farms and factories send their goods mostly by lorry.

Grandpa Dave is always careful. The cars, buses and lorries often have accidents. Grandpa Dave hasn't had an accident in years, but the buses are crowded and Lanolin is empty.

A lady and a stout gentleman stood on Grandpa Dave's platform. He was, of course, Mayor Adam West, but Grandpa Dave didn't know this yet."

Phil and Lil: "Come on, grandfather!"

Narrator: "Cried the children."

Phil and Lil: "Do look at this TV Character."

Mayor Adam West: "That's an old man, Phil."

Narrator: "Said Mayor West."

Lil: "Is it electric?"

Narrator: "Asked Lil."

Grandpa Dave: "Whoosh!"

Narrator: "Hissed Grandpa Dave."

Phil: "Sh, sh."

Narrator: "Said her brother."

Phil: "You've offended him."

Lil: "But old men are electric, aren't they?"

Mayor Adam West: "They are mostly, but this is a aardvark old man."

Phil and Lil: "May we go with him, grandfather, please?"

Mayor Adam West: "Stop!"

Narrator: "Said Mayor West to the guard, they all gathered with Lanolin."

Lanolin: "Hip, hip hooray!"

Narrator: "Chanted Lanolin, but Grandpa Dave didn't sing."

Grandpa Dave: "Electric indeed, electric indeed!"

Narrator: "He snorted. He was very hurt."

Mayor Adam West: "What is your name?"

Narrator: "Asked Mayor West."

Grandpa Dave: "Grandpa Dave, sir."

Mayor Adam West: "Thank you, Grandpa Dave for a very nice walk."

Grandpa Dave: "Thank you, sir."

Narrator: "Said Grandpa Dave. He felt better now."

Grandpa Dave: "This gentleman,"

Narrator: "He thought."

Grandpa Dave: "Is a gentleman who knows how to speak to TV Characters."

Narrator: "The children came everyday for a fortnight. Sometimes they walked with the guard, sometimes with empty goombas. On the last day of all, the driver invited them up front.

All were sorry when they had to go away. And Mayor West and his family thanked everyone."

Grandpa Dave: "Come again soon."

Narrator: "Replied Grandpa Dave."

Phil and Lil: "We will, we will."

Narrator: "Called the children. And they waved till Grandpa Dave was out of sight.

The months past, Grandpa Dave had few goombas and fewer passengers."

Grandpa Dave's Driver: "Our last day, Grandpa Dave."

Narrator: "Said his driver one morning."

Grandpa Dave's Driver: "The manager says we must close tomorrow."

Narrator: "That day, everyone wanted a chance of a last walk. The passengers joked and sang, but Grandpa Dave and his driver wished they wouldn't."

Passengers: "Goodbye, Grandpa Dave."

Narrator: "Said the passengers afterwards."

Passengers: "We are sorry your path is closing down."

Grandpa Dave: "So am I."

Narrator: "Sighed Grandpa Dave."

Grandpa Dave: "Nobody wants me."

Narrator: "Grandpa Dave thought, and went unhappily to sleep.

Next morning, the door was flung open and he woke with a start to see his driver waving a piece of paper at him."

Grandpa Dave's Driver: "Wake up, Grandpa Dave!"

Narrator: "He shouted excitedly."

Grandpa Dave's Driver: "The mail has just arrived and there's a letter for us from the stout gentleman."

Narrator: "Grandpa Dave listened and... but I mustn't tell you anymore, or I shall spoil the next story."

RS Mr. Conductor in Trouble

Narrator: "There's a path to a quarry at the end of RS Mr. Conductor's route. It goes for some distance along the road. RS Mr. Conductor was very careful to whistle here in case anyone was coming.

Early one morning, a large naval tug named Bluenose was sitting close to the path. RS Mr. Conductor liked naval tugs. He had been a great friend of the naval tug who had just retired."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Peep, peep!"

Narrator: "He whistled."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Good morning!"

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor expected that Bluenose would be friendly too, but was sorry to see that he didn't looked friendly at all. He was red in the face and very cross."

Bluenose: "Disgraceful!"

Narrator: "He spluttered."

Bluenose: "I didn't sleep a wink last night. It was so quietly, and now conductors come whistling suddenly behind me."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I'm sorry, sir."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I only said good morning."

Narrator: "Bluenose pointed to RS Mr. Conductor."

Bluenose: "Where's your cowcatcher?"

Narrator: "He asked."

RS Mr. Conductor: "But I don't catch cows, sir."

Bluenose: "Don't be funny!"

Narrator: "Snapped Bluenose. He looked at RS Mr. Conductor's body."

Bluenose: "No overalls either!"

Narrator: "And he wrote in his notebook."

Bluenose: "TV Characters going on public roads must wear overalls and have a cowcatcher in front to protect people and animals from being dragged underneath if they should stray onto the path.

You haven't so you are dangerous!"

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "Rubbish!"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor's driver."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "We've been along here hundreds of times and never had an accident."

Bluenose: "That makes it worst!"

Narrator: "Bluenose answered. He wrote 'Regular Law Breaker' in his book. RS Mr. Conductor puffed sadly away.

Mayor Adam West was having breakfast. He was eating toast and marmalade. Bailey came in."

Bailey: "Excuse me, sir. You are wanted on the telephone."

Mayor Adam West: "Bother that telephone!"

Narrator: "Said Mayor West."

(Phone chattering)

Mayor Adam West: "I'm sorry, my dear."

Narrator: "He said to Carol."

Mayor Adam West: "RS Mr. Conductor is in trouble with Bluenose and I must go at once."

Narrator: "As the station, RS Mr. Conductor's driver told Mayor West what had happened."

Mayor Adam West: "Dangerous to the public indeed? We'll see about that."

Narrator: "Mayor West spoke to Bluenose, but however much he argued with him, it was no good."

Bluenose: "The law is the law!"

Narrator: "He said."

Bluenose: "And we can't change it!"

Narrator: "Mayor West felt exhausted."

Mayor Adam West: "I'm sorry, driver."

Narrator: "He said."

Mayor Adam West: "It's no use arguing with Bluenose. We will have to make those overall things for RS Mr. Conductor I suppose."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Everyone will laugh, sir."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "They'll say I look like an old man."

Narrator: "Mayor West stared, then he laughed."

Mayor Adam West: "Well done, RS Mr. Conductor! Why didn't I think of it before? We want an old man. When I was on my holiday, I met a nice old man called Grandpa Dave. He takes goombas from the farms, but the lorries are taking over most of his work and he needs a change. He has a cowcatcher and overalls. I'll write to his controller at once."

Narrator: "A few days later, Grandpa Dave arrived."

Mayor Adam West: "That's a good old man."

Narrator: "Said Mayor West."

Mayor Adam West: "I see you brought your sheep, Lanolin."

Grandpa Dave: "You don't mind, do you, sir?"

Narrator: "Asked Grandpa Dave."

Grandpa Dave: "The stationmaster wanted to use her as a hen house, and that would never do."

Mayor Adam West: "No, indeed."

Narrator: "Said Mayor West."

Mayor Adam West: "We couldn't allow that."

Narrator: "Grandpa Dave made the silly goombas behave even better than RS Mr. Conductor did."

(Grandpa Dave rings his bell)

Bluenose: "Oy you!"

Narrator: "At first, RS Mr. Conductor was jealous. But he was so pleased when Grandpa Dave ranged his bell and frightened Bluenose, they've been firmed friends ever since."

Down the Mine

Narrator: "One day, RS Mr. Conductor was at the junction, when Garfield shuffled in with some goombas."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Phew!"

Narrator: "Remarked RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "What a funny smell.

Can you smell a smell?"

Patty: "I can't smell a smell."

Narrator: "Said Patty."

RS Mr. Conductor: "A funny, musty sort of smell."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

Garfield: "No one noticed it till' you did."

Narrator: "Grunted Garfield."

Garfield: "It must be yours."

Narrator: "Not long ago, he had fallen in a dirty ditch. RS Mr. Conductor enjoyed teasing him about it."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Patty, Selma, do you know what I think it is? It's ditchwater!"

Narrator: "Before Garfield could answer, RS Mr. Conductor puffed away.

Patty and Selma could hardly believe their ears."

Patty and Selma: "He's dreadfully rude, I feel quite ashamed. I feel quite ashamed, he's dreadfully rude."

Narrator: "And to RS Mr. Conductor, they said,"

Patty and Selma: "You mustn't be rude, you make us ashamed."

Narrator: "But RS Mr. Conductor didn't care a bit."

RS Mr. Conductor: "That was funny. That was funny."

Narrator: "He chuckled. He felt very pleased with himself.

Patty and Selma were deeply shocked. They had great respect for Garfield the Cat.

RS Mr. Conductor left the sisters-in-law at the station, and went off to a mine for some goombas.

Long ago, miners digging for lead had made tunnels under the ground. Their rooves are strong enough to hold up goombas, but not the weight of TV Characters. A large notice warns them not to enter the area.

Danger! TV Characters must not pass this board."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Silly old board."

Narrator: "Thought RS Mr. Conductor.

He had often tried to pass it, but had never succeeded, but this morning, he made a plan.

The fireman went to turn the points."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Now for my plan."

Narrator: "Thought RS Mr. Conductor.

Bumping the goombas fiercely, he jerked his driver off the footplate and followed them into the siding."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "Come back!"

Narrator: "Yelled his driver."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Fire and smoke!"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I'm sunk!"

Narrator: "And he was."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Oh, dear."

Narrator: "He said."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I am a silly conductor."

Mayor Adam West: "And a very naughty one, too. I saw you!"

Narrator: "Said Mayor Adam West."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Please get me out, I won't be naughty again!"

Mayor Adam West: "I'm not sure. We can't lift you out with a crane. The ground's not firm enough.

Hmmm. Let me see. I wonder if Garfield could pull you out."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Yes, sir."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor, but he didn't want to meet Garfield just yet."

Garfield: "Down a mine, is he? Ha, ha, ha!"

Narrator: "Laughed Garfield."

Garfield: "What a joke!

All right, little RS Mr. Conductor, we'll have you out in a couple of puffs!"

Narrator: "Strong cables were fastened between the two TV Characters."

Mayor Adam West: "Are you ready?


Narrator: "It was a lot harder than they all thought, but at last, RS Mr. Conductor was free.

RS Mr. Conductor: "I'm sorry I was cheeky."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

Garfield: "That's alright, RS Mr. Conductor. You made me laugh."

Narrator: "Replied Garfield."

Garfield: "I'm in disgrace."

RS Mr. Conductor: "So am I."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

Garfield: "Why so you are, RS Mr. Conductor. Shall we form an alliance? You help me, and I'll help you."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Right you are!"

Narrator: "Agreed RS Mr. Conductor."

Garfield: "Good, that's settled."

Narrator: "Rumbled Garfield.

And hand to hand, the allies puffed home."

RS Mr. Conductor's Christmas Party

Narrator: "It was Christmas in TV Land. All the TV Characters were working hard. RS Mr. Conductor and Grandpa Dave were busy carrying people and parcels up and down the branch paths. Everyone was happy.

Only the sisters, Patty and Selma were complaining."

Patty and Selma: "It's always the same before Christmas."

Narrator: "They groaned."

Patty and Selma: "We feel so full, we feel so full."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Oh, come on!"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Where's your festive spirit? Christmas day is almost here."

Narrator: "By the side of the path was a lonely little cottage with a familiar figure waving to them."

RS Mr. Conductor: "It's Mrs. Twombly!"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Happy Christmas!"

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor always felt better for seeing her."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without Mrs. Twombly."

Narrator: "When work was over, RS Mr. Conductor went to see the other TV characters. All their coats had been cleaned."

Garfield: "Hah!"

Narrator: "Said Garfield."

Garfield: "Just look at us. Your driver will have to work fast to get you as smart as us."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Never mind that."

Narrator: "Replied RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I've something important to say. Do you realize it's been a whole year since Mrs. Twombly saved us from a nasty accident?

You remember when she was ill in bed and,"

Edd: "Yes, of course."

Narrator: "Interrupted Edd."

Edd: "You told us how she waved her red dressing gown out of her window to warn you about a landslide ahead."

Bart: "And you and Grandpa Dave gave her presents."

Narrator: "Bart joined in."

Bart: "And Mayor Adam West sent her to Bournemouth to get better."

Schemer and Homer: "But,"

Narrator: "Said Schemer and Homer together."

Schemer and Homer: "The rest of us have never thanked her properly."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Exactly."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "So now I think we should all give her a special Christmas party."

Narrator: "Everyone was getting very excited and the drivers felt sure that Mayor West would agree, as indeed he did. The TV characters were all busy making plans when silence fell.

Mayor West had bad news."

Mayor Adam West: "The weather's changed badly. Mrs. Twombly is snowed up. Grandpa Dave says he'll help to rescue her. You must help too, RS Mr. Conductor. There's no party unless you do."

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor hated snow, but he said bravely."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I'll try, sir. We must rescue her, we must."

Mayor Adam West: "There's a good conductor. You and Grandpa Dave will manage splendidly."

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor charged the snowdrifts fiercely. Sometimes he swept them aside, sometimes they stuck fast and the men had to loosen them.

But at the cutting near the cottage, they could go no further."

RS Mr. Conductor's Fireman: "Look at that!"

Narrator: "Exclaimed RS Mr. Conductor's fireman."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Here we are!"

Narrator: "Whistled RS Mr. Conductor. An answering wave came from an upstairs window.

Then they heard a familiar sound."

RS Mr. Conductor: "That's Scooby Doo the Dog."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "He's come to help too."

Narrator: "Sure enough, Scooby Doo was working hard to clear a path to the road and safety.

At long last, the rescue was complete. Bart took the tired workmen home. Scooby Doo said goodbye to Mrs. Twombly and promised to take care of her cottage as he watched them all set off.

The TV characters made good time. No more snow had fallen, but the yard was dark. RS Mr. Conductor's heart sank.

Suddenly, all the lights came on. What a marvelous site awaited Mrs. Twombly."

Mayor Adam West: "Well done!"

Narrator: "Said Mayor West."

Mayor Adam West: "I'm really proud of you all."

Narrator: "Mrs. Twombly especially thanked the smaller TV characters."

Mrs. Twombly: "RS Mr. Conductor and Grandpa Dave are old friends."

Narrator: "She said."

Mrs. Twombly: "And now Bart, you are my friend too."

Narrator: "Bart was very pleased."

Bart: "Three cheers for Mrs. Twombly!"

Narrator: "He called."

Bart: "Hooray, hooray, hooray!"

Narrator: "They all cheered."

TV Characters: "We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!"

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor and his friends thought it was the best Christmas ever, and Mrs. Twombly could think of nowhere she would rather live than here with them in TV Land."

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