The dachshund,Canis dimwitticus

Ah, the dachshund a.k.a the wiener, the dash hound, the wienie dog. Undeniably one of man's cutest, and incidentally most worthless, creations. Sure, sure, breed enthusiasts are quick to point out that these slender little canines were originally bred to pursue badgers down their holes, but really, when was the last time a badger ever fucked with anybody, hmm? It's not like hordes of badgers plagued the land, terrorizing little old grandmas and stealing babies from the cribs and what not. Who can ever remember hearing, "My God, the front yard is full of badgers! Quick, throw a dachshund out the window or it'll be the end of us!" Ridiculous, isn't it? Not even worth the trouble trying to remember, now is it? You see, prior to the undead menace, dachshunds were absolutely, utterly, totally useless.

The Undead Menace

With the coming of the zombie hordes, it was readily apparent that mankind was at a distinct disadvantage. The new found threat was completely fearless, indefatigable and ravenous in its desire to consume humanity. At the beginning of the first major outbreak, things looked mighty grim for the living. America's top intelligent design theorists were struggling in vain to come up with some sort of solution or countermeasure that could thwart the zombie's relentless march.

Such a solution was stumbled upon, surprisingly by a godless, Darwinist professor at the University of Minnesota. Prof. PZ Myers, as part of a government focus group, was busy combing through eyewitness accounts and military post-action debriefings, trying to find some exploitable weakness of the zombies. He soon ascertained a pattern...that zombies had a concrete, hierarchal preference when it came to consuming living flesh. While everyone was focusing on the zombie's predilection for devouring humans, Myers discovered that in reality humans were the zombie's second food choice. Hands down, verified by dozens of separate eyewitness accounts, the zombies preferred source of food was the humble dachshund. In all reported cases, zombies, even in large packs or swarms, would cease all efforts to capture human prey if they came across a dachshund in their path. Myers dutifully spread the word about the zombie's weakness for wienie dog, and the rest as they say, is history.

History of the Hell Hound Movement

With the realization that dachshunds were an extremely effective decoy/countermeasure to a zombie attack, American dog breeders swung into action. Soon, so called wiener mills were sprouting up all over the Midwest and South, feverishly churning out dachshunds to meet the ever growing demand. Within time, several of these mills began to pool their resources and, eventually, incorporated under various names such as DoxieTech, Zombie's Choice, and the mother of them all, Hell Hounds. Each corporation jockeyed for position, claiming that their line of dachshunds combined the "necessary" speed, agility, intelligence, and (if needed) flavor to make the optimal anti-zombie countermeasure.

How to Use a Dachshund

For a more in depth examination of using a dachshund in zombie evasion, please see Zombie Hunting. Anecdotal reports, backed up by several industry and government reports, indicate that a very small percentage of dachshunds are actually consumed by zombies each year. Their small stature, inherent unwillingness to approach anyone (living or dead) and their innate ability to run around like crazed mo-fos means that your average dachshund is unlikely to actually be caught by its zombie pursuers. Rather, they provide a very useful diversion, especially if trained to lead zombies a great distance away, and then return. Hell Hounds and to a lesser extant DoxieTech has had success in training dachshunds to lead zombies away from humans, then double-back undetected by any undead pursuers. Zombie's Choice focus mainly on the purported delectable flavor of their dachshunds, and as a consequence, their dogs are usually slower/more dimwitted than average.


It is rumored that DoxieTech is using recombinant DNA techniques to try and create a so called "Super Wiener", a dachshund that not only would be able to lure zombies away but also actively engage them in combat. This rumor was bolstered when the following picture was leaked onto the internet.


Dachshund apparently crossed with Siberian Tiger

Reports that dachshunds bitten, but not consumed by zombies have returned to their owners as Zombwieners are currently under investigation, but are believed to be nothing more than hoaxes. In the years since the first outbreak, zombieism has only been observed in Homo sapiens.

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