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Cast

  • The Cat in the Hat (from The Wubbulous World of Dr. Seuss) as Grover
  • Lucy van Pelt (from Peanuts) as Prairie Dawn
  • Rowlf the Dog (from The Muppets) as Ernie
  • Sam the Eagle (from The Muppets) as Bert
  • Mickey Mouse (from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse) as Count von Count
  • Clifford (from Clifford the Big Red Dog) as Big Bird
  • Bear (from Bear in the Big Blue House) as Cookie Monster
  • Fozzie Bear (from The Muppets) as Herry Monster
  • Captain Hook (from Jake and the Never Land Pirates) as Oscar the Grouch

Lyrics

Clifford: Why don't we all tell a story together and act it out?

The Cat in the Hat: Oh, I like that idea, Clifford!

Mickey Mouse: Yes! Wonderful! One good idea! Ha ha ha ha!

The Cat in the Hat: Now what story should we tell all together? Hmmm...

Clifford: How about, uh, Jack and the Beanstalk?

Fozzie Bear: That's okay with me.

Mickey Mouse: Are there things to count in this "Jack and the Breadbox"?

Clifford: Beanstalk, Mickey, Beanstalk!

Mickey Mouse: Whatever. Are there things to count?

Rowlf the Dog: Sure, Mickey. And you can be the guy who buys the cow. He gets to count.

Mickey Mouse: Wonderful! I love it! Ah, ah, ah!

Bear: Uh, excuse me, there are things to eat in this story?

Lucy van Pelt: There's a cook in the giant's castle. That could be you, Animal.

Bear: Fair enough.

Fozzie Bear: I wanted to make the noises, especially when the beanstalk comes crashing down. (air noises) Boom! Like that.

Clifford: And I'll be the giant because I'm so tall.

Rowlf the Dog: And I'll be Jack because I'm so small. (laughing)

Lucy van Pelt: I'll be Jack's mother and The Cat in the Hat, you can tell the story!

The Cat in the Hat: Yes, yes. I will tell the story.

Rowlf the Dog: Okay, what other parts are there? Oh, I know the cow and the chicken. Sam?

Sam the Eagle: What?

Rowlf the Dog: You can be the cow and the chicken, Sam.

Sam the Eagle: Oh yeah, sure. The same as always! Good old Sam the Eagle, I get to be the cow and the chicken.

Rowlf the Dog: Well, that's because you're so good at it, Fozzie.

Sam the Eagle: Yeah, thanks a lot, Rowlf.

Lucy van Pelt: Okay, who's left? Oh, Captain Hook. He didn't get a part.

Captain Hook: Hey, that's okay, Lucy van Pelt. I don't want a part. Heh.

Rowlf the Dog: Hey, oh, Captain Hook can be the singing harp.

Fozzie Bear: Yeah, good idea!

Captain Hook: The what? Wait a minute. Hold it! Captain Hook won't play any singing harp in this fairy tale.

The Cat in the Hat: Oh, well, of course you will, Captain Hook. Do not be silly!

Fozzie Bear: Yeah, come on, Captain Hook. We gotta have a harp!

Captain Hook: No way!

Lucy van Pelt: Please, Captain Hook. You could make him a grouchy singing harp.

Captain Hook: Oh yeah?

Lucy van Pelt: Yeah.

Captain Hook: Well, uh, okay.

Clifford: I guess we are all set then. Go ahead, The Cat in the Hat! Start the story!

The Cat in the Hat: All right! Imagine if you will that we have traveled far, far away to another time and place. A time when magic filled the air and small children did foolish things. A place where giants walked and singing harps were all the range. Now in this time and place, there once lived a boy named Jack.

Rowlf the Dog: Yeah, that's me.

The Cat in the Hat: Who lived with his mother.

Lucy van Pelt: That's me.

The Cat in the Hat: In a small cottage by the side of the road. Now Jack and his mother had a cow.

Sam the Eagle: That's moo. I mean, me.

The Cat in the Hat: Whom they loved very much. But one day...

Lucy van Pelt: Jack, we have no food left in our house and no money to buy more. You'll have to sell our cow that we loved so much.

Rowlf the Dog: All right, mother. Come along, cow we loved so much. I have to take you to the market to sell you for money to buy food.

Sam the Eagle: Moo.

The Cat in the Hat: And so, Jack led the cow along the road to the market. When they got there, they met a man who said..."

Mickey Mouse: Ah! Wonderful! One cow! Ah ah ah!

Rowlf the Dog: Would you like to buy her?

Mickey Mouse: Of course, why not? I will give you three of these magic beans for her. No wait, I will give you six beans. No, make that eleven. No, no, no. Fifty-two beans. Ah, ah, ah!

Rowlf the Dog: Uh, three is okay, Mickey.

Mickey Mouse: No, no, it's not enough. I will give you 109 beans! Ah, ah, ah! Here, one bean, two beans...

Rowlf the Dog: Mickey, Mickey! You'll spoiled the story! Just give me three beans.

Mickey Mouse: Oh, sorry, Rowlf. I mean, Jack. There! Three beans.

Rowlf the Dog: Oh, thank you. Here's your cow. Be nice to her. (sniffs) Bye, cow.

Sam the Eagle: Moo!

Mickey Mouse: One moo? Oh, wonderful! Ah ah ah! Say moo again!

Sam the Eagle: Moo!

Mickey Mouse: Two moos! I love it!

The Cat in the Hat: And so, poor Jack returned home with nothing to show for selling the cow except three beans. Jack's mother was very unhappy when he told her.

Lucy van Pelt: You sold our cow for three beans? Oh, Jack! How can we live on three beans? At least the cow has company. Now we have nothing!

The Cat in the Hat: And Jack's mother was so upset she throws the beans out the window.

Lucy van Pelt: Ooh!

The Cat in the Hat: That night, they went to bed without any supper. But the next morning, when they awoke, they saw that the beans has sprouted in a huge beanstalk that grew up through the sky.

Rowlf the Dog: Mother, I will bravely climb up that beanstalk and see what is at the top.

The Cat in the Hat: Said Jack bravely and he kissed his mother goodbye and went to climb the beanstalk. He climbed and climbed...

Rowlf the Dog: Oh, boy. This is hard work.

The Cat in the Hat: And climbed until he was a mile high. And there, at the top of the beanstalk, he saw a big, huge plunderous castle. Jack went up to the big, huge plunderous door and knocked on it.

Fozzie Bear: Knock, knock, knock!

The Cat in the Hat: Very good, Fozzie. But there was no answer, so Jack pushed on the door and it swung open with a loud squeak.

Fozzie Bear: (squeaking noise)

The Cat in the Hat: And Jack tippy-toed in and he shut the door behind him.

Fozzie Bear: (squeaking noise)

Rowlf the Dog: Boy, it's dark in here.

Fozzie Bear: Bump!

The Cat in the Hat: What was that, Fozzie?

Fozzie Bear: That's Jack bumping into stuff because he can't see in the dark.

Rowlf the Dog: Ouch! I was bumping into stuff that I couldn't see in the dark.

The Cat in the Hat: And being very careful not to bump into anything else in the dark! Jack tiptoed along until he saw a light.

Rowlf the Dog: Hark.

The Cat in the Hat: He went towards it and found himself in a big, huge, plunderous kitchen and what do you think he saw in the kitchen? He saw a table and a chair that were bigger and huger and more plunderous than any other table and chair that he has ever seen. They were as big as his own house. Then, he saw that there was someone else in the kitchen. It was the cook cooking.

Bear: Dum dum dum dum dum.

Rowlf the Dog: Hi there!

Bear: Sshhhh! Quiet. Me got cake in oven. Making some tuna fish casserole, too. You want some?

Rowlf the Dog: Sure!

Bear: Okay. Hey, you know that you in castle of nasty, old wicked giant?

Rowlf the Dog: Oh no! You mean the one who doesn't like little kids?

Bear: Yeah, yeah. That one. So make it a good idea if you go home. Uh, oh. Too late. Here comes giant now!

Fozzie Bear: Clonk clonk clonk!

Bear: Quick! Hide before he find you here.

Bear: Clonk clonk clonk!

The Cat in the Hat: The heavy footsteps of the giant came closer and closer and the cook hid Jack behind the stove just as the wicked giant walked in and said...

Clifford: Fe fi fiddly fid. I think I smelled a little kid. Is there someone else here, Bear, I mean, cook?

Bear: Nobody but you and me, giant. You smell, uh, chocolate cake me made for dessert. Yeah, yeah.

Clifford: Chocolate cake? Don't you have any dog food cookies?

Bear: No, remember, you forget to bring your own dog food yesterday.

Clifford: Rats! Well, give me my dinner, anyway.

The Cat in the Hat: And the cook give the nasty old giant his dinner and the giant ate it all up. Then he wiped his mouth and said...

Clifford: Okay, cook, bring me my singing harp and my hen that lays the golden eggs.

Bear: Right away, chief!

The Cat in the Hat: And the cook went out and came back with the harp that sang and the cute little hen that laid golden eggs.

Captain Hook: Oh, I'm the singing harp tra la, harp tra la, harp tra la. I'm the singing harp...Aw, there's nothing I hate more than singing! Phooey!

Sam the Eagle: I'm the hen who lays eggs of gold, eggs of gold, eggs of gold, I'm the hen who lays eggs of gold...(sighs) (chicken noises)

The Cat in the Hat: And the nasty old giant sat and play with his singing harp and his hen that laid golden eggs and he laughed and laughed and laughed...

Clifford: Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Captain Hook: Cha cha cha!

Sam the Eagle: (chicken noises)

Clifford: Ho ho ho ho!

The Cat in the Hat: Et cetera, et cetera! And the harp sang and the little hen laid golden eggs until the giant grew tired and he yawned and yawned and finally fell asleep with his head on the table and began to snore.

(Clifford snoring)

The Cat in the Hat: And Jack came out from behind the stove and was going to sneak out and go home when the harp said...

Captain Hook: Take me home with you! I can't stand working for this giant guy anymore! Take me home with you and I'll sing for you maybe.

The Cat in the Hat: And the hen said...

Sam the Eagle: Uh, me too, yeah. I don't wanna stay here anymore, either. Take me home with you and I'll lay my golden eggs for you.

Bear: Hey, hey, hey. Me come too? Me tired of cooking for giant. He never said "please" or "thank you" or "my goodness, that's delicious". Me cook for you instead, okay?

Rowlf the Dog: Ookie-dookie.

The Cat in the Hat: So Jack picked up the harp and the cook picked up the hen and they ran out of the castle and climbed down, down, down and when they got to the bottom of the beanstalk, Jack got his hatchet and chopped it down so the giant could not come after him.

Fozzie Bear: (crashing noise) Heh, heh. Pretty good, huh, Cat in the Hat? That was the beanstalk falling down.

The Cat in the Hat: Uh, yes, Fozzie. That was, uh, wonderful. So, now everything was different for Jack and his mommy. Every day, the hen would lay golden eggs.

Sam the Eagle: (chicken noises)

The Cat in the Hat: And Jack would take them to market to buy food for the cook to cook.

Bear: Dum dum dum dum dum. You want spaghetti and meatballs or herring on French toast for dinner?

The Cat in the Hat: And while they ate, the singing harp would sing to them.

Captain Hook: Tra la tra la tra la tra la, already. Tra la tra la tra la tra la.

The Cat in the Hat: Not only that, but one day, Jack had enough golden eggs left over to buy back their old friend, the cow.

Sam the Eagle: Moo!

Mickey Mouse: That is 9,200,087 moos! Wonderful! Ah ah!

The Cat in the Hat: So now they were all together and they lived happily ever after.

Bear: Oh, here, here. Try marinara sauce on the doughnut. Oh, me hope he likes string beans with peanut butter.

Captain Hook: Mary had a creepy lamb, its fleece was cold as blue. And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb would eat her shoe. Heh, heh, heh.

Lucy van Pelt: Oh, Jack, I'm so happy.

Rowlf the Dog: Oh, me too, mother dear.

Sam the Eagle: (mooing and chicken noises)

Mickey Mouse: That is one happy person? Two happy persons? Oh, I'm so happy. Oh that makes three happy persons. Ah ah ah.

The Cat in the Hat: And for we all know, the wicked giant is still sleeping to this very day. The end.

(Clifford snoring)

The Cat in the Hat: Uh, okay, Clifford. The story is over. Clifford, you can stop snoring.

Lucy van Pelt: He's really asleep.

Mickey Mouse: That is one, one sleepy dog. Ah ah ah.

Rowlf the Dog: Gee, it must be past his naptime.

Fozzie Bear: Yeah, it's past my naptime, too. But I think I'll run over to Hooper's Store for a glass of milk first. Bye, everyone. I had a nice time!

Bear: Oh, wait, Fozzie. Me come with you.

Fozzie Bear: Oh, okay, Bear.

Sam the Eagle: Uh, bye bye, Fozzie.

Lucy van Pelt: Bye, Bear.

Bear: Oh, bye, Lucy. Bye, Mickey.

Mickey Mouse: Count you later.

Captain Hook: Goodbye!

Rowlf the Dog: Bye, Captain Hook. Oh, let's go, Sam. Hey, bye, Cat in the Hat. Bye, Lucy.

Sam the Eagle: Yeah, yeah. Bye.

The Cat in the Hat: Bye bye, everybody. And now, I think it is time for you to take the record off the record player, but do it very quietly so you do not wake up Clifford, okay? Oh, thank you! Your furry old pal The Cat in the Hat is so proud of you!

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