| AND THEN YOU HEAR THIS SOUND (BUZZ) THAT MEANS STOP! |
  Muppet Story (LegalizeAnythingMuppets Style) |
LegalizeAnythingMuppets's movie-spoof of the "Toy Story" film series. stop
Cast:
Bert says Reach for the Sky
Ernie says To infinity... and beyond!
Bert yells at Ernie YOU ARE A MUPPET!!!!
- Woody - Bert (Sesame Street)
- Buzz Lightyear - Ernie (Sesame Street)
- Mr. Potato Head - Oscar the Grouch (Sesame Street)
- Mrs. Potato Head - Grundgetta (Sesame Street)
- Slinky Dog - Snuffy (Sesame Street)
- Rex - Boober Fraggle (Fraggle Rock)
- Hamm - Big Bird (Sesame Street)
- Bo Peep - Prairie Dawn (Sesame Street)
- Sarge - Chief O'Hara (Mickey Mouse)
- Sarge's Soldiers - The Police Officer Army from "Officer Duck" (Mickey Mouse)
- Andy Davis - Christopher Robin (Winnie the Pooh)
- Baby Molly - Maggie Simpson (The Simpsons)
- Mrs. Davis - Wendy Darling (Peter Pan)
- Sid - Human Chip (pre-teenager) (Beauty and the Beast)
- Hannah - Penny (The Rescuers)
- Scud - Butch the Bulldog (Mickey Mouse)
- RC - Bagheera (The Jungle Book)
- Lenny - Zazu (The Lion King)
- Mr. Shark - Mortimer Mouse (Mickey Mouse)
- Snake - Kaa (The Jungle Book)
- Robot - Donald Duck (Mickey Mouse)
- Troll Dolls - Penguins (The Muppets/Sesame Street)
- Etch - Edd (Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy)
- Mr. Spell - Grover (Sesame Street)
- Rocky Gibraltar - Kent Powers (Quack Pack)
- Janie/Pterodactyl - June (Little Einsteins)/Elmo (Sesame Street)
- Babyface - Thumper (Bambi)
- Legs - Miss Piggy (The Muppets)
- Hand-in-the-Box - Mordecai (Regular Show)
- Rollerbob - Robin Hood (Robin Hood)
- Frog - Kermit the Frog (The Muppets)
- Jingle Joe - Iago (Aladdin)
- Ducky - Daffy Duck (Looney Tunes)
- Rockmobile - Little John (Robin Hood)
- Walking Car - Bambi (Bambi)
- Burned Ragdoll - Skippy (Robin Hood)
- Huge Red Pickup Truck Toy - Colonel Hathi (The Jungle Book)
- Yellow Soldier Toys - Brer Fox and Brer Bear (Song of the South)
- Sally Doll - Polly Poo Poo (Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy)
- Green Squeeze Alien Toys - Bugs Bunny (Looney Tunes), Pebbles Flintstone and Bamm-Bamm Rubble (The Flintstones)
- Combat Carl - Sonic the Hedgehog (The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)
- Buster - Odie (Garfield)
- Emperor Zurg - Pete (Mickey Mouse)
- Wheezy - Flounder (The Little Mermaid)
- Al McWhiggin - Abis Mal (The Return of Jafar)
- Bullseye - Pluto (Mickey Mouse)
- Jessie as Herself
- Stinky Pete the Prospector - The Goatman (Mickey Mouse)
- Geri the Cleaner - Geppetto (Pinocchio)
- Utility Belt Buzz - Baloo (The Jungle Book)
- Barbie - Minnie Mouse (Mickey Mouse)
- Emily - Tinker Bell (Peter Pan)
- Amy - Emmy (Dragon Tales)
- Lots-O'-Huggin Bear - Grinch (Dr. Seuss' The Grinch)
- Ken Carson - Mickey Mouse (Mickey Mouse)
- Big Baby - Jimmy (Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy)
- Stretch - Dr. Ivo Robotnik (The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)
- Twitch - Scratch (The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)
- Chunk - Grounder (The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)
- Sparks - Coconuts (The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)
- Cymbal Baning Monkey - Sir Hiss (Robin Hood)
- Bookworm - Jiminy Cricket (Pinocchio)
- Chatter Telephone - Uncle Max (The Lion King 1/2)
- Daisy - Alice (Alice in Wonderland)
- Teenage Andy Davis - Jon Arbuckle (Garfield)
- Young Molly - Jane Darling (Return to Never Land)
- Lotso's Replacement - Tigger (Winnie the Pooh)
- Jack-In-The-Box - Kanga and Roo (Winnie the Pooh)
- Trixie - Nazz (Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy)
- Dolly - Clarabelle Cow (Mickey Mouse)
- Buttercup - Horace Horsecollar (Mickey Mouse)
- Mr. Pricklepants - Fozzie Bear (The Muppets)
- Chuckles the Clown - Grumpy (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)
- Peas-in-a-Pod - Millie and Melody Mouse (Minnie's Bow-Toons) and Max Goof (Mickey Mouse)
- Bonnie - Eilonwy (The Black Cauldron)
- Bonnie's Mom - Adult Wendy Darling (Return to Never Land)
- Broken Toy Train as Himself
Muppet Story 1
Scenes[]
- Muppet Story Part 1 - Opening (You've Got a Friend in Me")
- Muppet Story Part 2 - The Coast is Clear/The Staff Meeting
- Muppet Story Part 3 - "Mr. Policeman (Kidsongs Version)"
- Muppet Story Part 4 - Ernie Lightyear
- Muppet Story Part 5 - "Strange Things"
- Muppet Story Part 6 - Bert and Ernie Fight/Sid (Human Chip)
- Muppet Story Part 7 - Who Will Andy (Christopher Robin) Pick?
- Muppet Story Part 8 - Lost at the Gas Station
- Muppet Story Part 9 - Going Inside Pizza Planet
- Muppet Story Part 10 - Ernie Meet the Yogi's Gang
- Muppet Story Part 11 - At Sid's (Human Chip) House
- Muppet Story Part 12 - Playtime with Sid (Human Chip)
- Muppet Story Part 13 - "I Will Go Sailing No More"
- Muppet Story Part 14 - Ernie's Body Bandage
- Muppet Story Part 15 - Sid's (Human Chip's) Window to Andy's (Christopher Robin's) Window
- Muppet Story Part 16 - The Big One
- Muppet Story Part 17 - Ernie I Can't Do This Without You'
- Muppet Story Part 18 - Bert Ask For Help
- Muppet Story Part 19 - 'Play Nice!'
- Muppet Story Part 20 - A Chase
- Muppet Story Part 21 - Rocket Power
- Muppet Story Part 22 - Christmas In Andy's (Christopher Robin's) House
- Muppet Story Part 23 - End Credits
Muppet Story 2
Scenes:
- Muppet Story 2 Part 1 - Opening Credits/Ernie's Mission
- Muppet Story 2 Part 2 - Bert's Lost Hat/It's Odie!
- Muppet Story 2 Part 3 - Bert's Shirtsleeve Ripped
- Muppet Story 2 Part 4 - Bert Meets Flounder/Bertnapped by Abis Mal
- Muppet Story 2 Part 5 - Abis Mal's Plan
- Muppet Story 2 Part 6 - The Roundup Gang
- Muppet Story 2 Part 7 - "Bert's Roundup"
- Muppet Story 2 Part 8 - Bert Nearly Loses His Ripped Shirt
- Muppet Story 2 Part 9 - Crossing the Road
- Muppet Story 2 Part 10 - Arrival of Geppetto/At Abis Mal's Muppet Barn
- Muppet Story 2 Part 11 - Muppet Switch/The Minnie Mouse Stores
- Muppet Story 2 Part 12 - Abis Mal's Plan
- Muppet Story 2 Part 13 - Jessie's Story/("When She Loved Me")
- Muppet Story 2 Part 14 - Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Two-Headed Monster
- Muppet Story 2 Part 15 - Into the Vents
- Muppet Story 2 Part 16 - To the Rescue!/Bert Stays
- Muppet Story 2 Part 17 - Battle with Pete
- Muppet Story 2 Part 18 - Abis Mal On Horse
- Muppet Story 2 Part 19 - Bert Vs. The Goatman/Saving Jessie
- Muppet Story 2 Part 20 - Welcome Home
- Muppet Story 2 Part 21 - End Credits
- Muppet Story 2 Outtakes
Muppet Story 3
Scenes:
- Muppet Story 3 Part 1 - Western Adventure/Opening Credits
- Muppet Story 3 Part 2 - Andy Grown Up (aka Jon Arbuckle)
- Muppet Story 3 Part 3 - College Packing/Thrown Away
- Muppet Story 3 Part 4 - The Wheels on the Bus/Going to Sunnyside (Disney Parks)
- Muppet Story 3 Part 5 - Disney Parks Welcome
- Muppet Story 3 Part 6 - Bert Leaves/Rough Play
- Muppet Story 3 Part 7 - Playtime with Bonnie (Eilonwy)
- Muppet Story 3 Part 8 - Trying to Escape/The Gambling Den
- Muppet Story 3 Part 9 - The Grinch's Offer
- Muppet Story 3 Part 10 - I See Andy (Jon Arbuckle)/Locked Up
- Muppet Story 3 Part 11 - Grumpy's Story of The Grinch
- Muppet Story 3 Part 12 - "The Spirit of God"/Daybreak
- Muppet Story 3 Part 13 - Bert's Advice from a Meerkat
- Muppet Story 3 Part 14 - Reunited/Prison Break
- Muppet Story 3 Part 15 - Mickey's Closet/'Prison Riot!'
- Muppet Story 3 Part 16 - Spanish Ernie
- Muppet Story 3 Part 17 - Caught/The Garbage Truck
- Muppet Story 3 Part 18 - The Dump/End of the Line
- Muppet Story 3 Part 19 - Safe and Sound/Back Home
- Muppet Story 3 Part 20 - Goodbye, Andy (Jon Arbuckle)
- Muppet Story 3 Part 21 - "We Belong Together"/ "Hay Un Amigo En Mi"/End Credits
- Muppet Story 3 Part 22 - End Credits (Part 2)
Quotes[]
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: [Bert/Woody, scared, walks backwards and he gets startled by Ernie/Buzz Lightyear. Ernie/Buzz Lightyear keeps talking to his "mission log"] And according to my navi-computer, the...
- Bert/Woody: [whispering) SHUT UP! Just, SHUT UP, you idiot!
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Bert, this is no time to panic.
- Bert/Woody: This is a perfect time to panic! I'm lost, Christopher Robin is gone, they're gonna move to their new house in two days, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Mine? My fault? If you hadn't pushed me out of the window in the first place...
- Bert/Woody: Oh yeah? Well, if *you* hadn't shown up with your stupid little cardboard spaceship and taken away everything that was important to me...
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Don't talk to me about importance! Because of *you*, the future of this entire universe is in jeopardy!
- Bert/Woody: WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Right now, poised at the edge of the galaxy, Emperor Pete has been secretly building a weapon with the destructive capacity to annihilate an entire planet! I alone have information that reveals this weapon's only weakness. And *you*, my friend, are responsible for delaying my rendezvous with Star Command!
- Bert/Woody: [pauses and looks incredulous] YOU! ARE! A! MUPPETTTTT! You aren't the real Ernie Lightyear! You're - you're an Ernie action figure! [holds hand up to eyes indicating something small] You are a child's Muppet play thing!
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: You are a sad, strange little Muppet man, and you have my pity. [waves in military fashion] Farewell. [starts to walk away]
- Bert/Woody: Oh, yeah? Well, good riddance, ya loony!
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: What if Christopher Robin gets another Fraggle? A mean one? I just don't think I can take that kind of rejection!
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Hey, a laser! How come *you* don't have a laser, Bert?
- Bert/Woody: It's not a laser! It's a... [sighs in frustration] It's a little light bulb that blinks.
- Big Bird/Hamm: What's with him?
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Laser envy.
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: [Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head rearranges his facial features crazily] Hey, Big Bird. Look, I'm Picasso!
- Big Bird/Hamm: I don't get it.
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: You uncultured bird! What're you lookin' at, ya hockey puck?
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Of course Bert ain't worried. He's been Christopher Robin's favorite
since kindergarten.
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Did you all take stupid pills this morning? Have you forgotten what he did to Ernie?
- Bert/Woody: Tuesday night's plastic corrosion awareness meeting, was I think, a big success. We'd like to thank Grover for putting that on for us. Thank you Grover.
- Grover/Mr. Spell: [mechanically] You're. Welcome.
- Bert/Woody: All right, that's enough! Look, we're all very impressed with Christopher Robin's new Muppet.
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Muppet?
- Bert/Woody: M-U-P-P-E-T, Muppet!
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Excuse me, I think the word you're searching for is "Space Ranger".
- Bert/Woody: The word I'm searching for I can't say because there's Sesame Street Muppets present.
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: I just want you to know that even though you tried to terminate me, revenge is not an idea we promote on my planet.
- Bert/Woody: Oh. Well, that's good.
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: But we're not on my planet, are we?
- Bert/Woody: No. Daaaah-oof! [Ernie/Buzz Lightyear attacks Bert/Woody] Okay, come on. You want a piece of me? [Ernie/Buzz Lightyear gets knocked down by Bert/Woody, he closes his helmet on Bert/Woody's hand]
- Bert/Woody: Ow!
- Bert/Woody: What chance does a Muppet like me have against a Ernie Lightyear action figure?
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Oh, really? I'm from Sesame Street.
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: And I'm from Fraggle Rock. Well, I'm not really from Fraggle Rock, I'm actually from The Jim Henson Company that created Fraggle Rock for the Canadian border.
- Chief O'Hara/Sarge: Maggie's first present is... Grundgetta! Repeat, Grundgetta!
- Big Bird/Hamm: Way to go, Oscar!
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Gee, I'd better shave!
- Bert/Woody: I think you've had enough tea for today, let's get you outta here, Ernie.
- Ernie/Buzz: What's going on?
- Bert/Woody: Nothing that concerns you Muppet space man, just us Muppets.
- Ernie/Buzz: I'd better have a look anyway. [he looks through Zazu the binoculars] Why is that police officer strapped to an explosive device?
- Bert/Woody: [moves Zazu] That's why. Human Chip.
- Ernie/Buzz: [seeing a dog] Sure is a hairy fella...
- Bert/Woody: [re-moving the binoculars] No, no, that's Butch, you idiot. *That* is Human Chip.
- Ernie/Buzz: [Human Chip/Sid is laughing maniacally] You mean that happy child?
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: That ain't no happy child!
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: He murders Muppets - just for fun!
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: Hey, everyone! Bagheera is trying to say something! What is it, boy?
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Saying that this was no accident.
- Prairie Dawn/Bo Peep: What do you mean?
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: I mean Humpty Dumpty was pushed by Bert!
- Bert/Woody: Wait a minute. You don't think I meant to knock Ernie out of the window, do you, Oscar?
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: That's Oscar *the Grouch* to you, you back stabbing murderer!
- Bert/Woody: Now, guys, it was an accident. C'mon, you-you've gotta believe me.
- Snuffy/Slinky Dog: We believe you, Bert. Right, Boober?
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: Well, I mean, uh, I don't like confrontations!
- Chief O'Hara/Sarge: Where is your honor, dirtbag? You're an absolute disgrace! You don't deserve to... Hey!
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Couldn't handle Ernie cutting time on your playtime, could you, Bert? Didn't want to face the fact that Ernie Lightyear just might be Christopher Robin's new favorite Muppet. So you got rid of him. But what if Christopher Robin start playing with me more, Bert, huh? You're gonna knock me out of the window too?
- Big Bird/Hamm: I don't think we should give him a chance.
- Chief O'Hara/Sarge: There he is, men! Grab him!
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Let's string him up by his pullstring.
- Big Bird/Hamm: I'll get the hat!
- Prairie Dawn/Bo Peep: Will you boys just stop it?
- Bert/Woody: No wait, please! I can explain everything!
- Christopher Robin/Andy: Hey, Wendy! Be right there. I gotta go get Ernie.
- Bert/Woody: [mocking Ernie/Buzz as they split-up] "Rendezvous with Star Command." [sees a delivery truck with a "Pizza Planet" logo on it] Pizza Planet? [enlightened] Christopher Robin! Oh, no! I can't show my face in that room without Ernie. [yelling to Ernie/Buzz] Ernie! Ernie, come back!
- Ernie/Buzz: [walking out from under the truck, annoyed] Go away!
- Bert/Woody: No! Ernie, you gotta come back! I... [Woody looks at the Pizza Planet delivery truck, and notices a miniature spaceship on the top] [calling] I found a spaceship! [Ernie/Buzz stops and looks at the delivery truck] [calling] It's a spaceship, Ernie!
- Ernie/Buzz: [as the driver asks for directions] Now, you're sure this space freighter will return to its point of origin once it jettisons its food supply?
- Bert/Woody: [nodding his head] Uh-huh. And when we get there, we'll find a way to transport you home.
- Ernie/Buzz: Well, then, let's climb aboard.
[Ernie/Buzz runs towards the truck]
- Bert/Woody: No, no, no, wait, Ernie! Ernie! Let's get in the back. No one will see us there.
- Ernie/Buzz: Negative. There are no restraining harnesses in the cargo area. We'll be much safer in the cockpit.
[Ernie/Buzz climbs through the open window and jumps into the seat]
- Bert/Woody: [whispering] Yeah, bu... Ernie! Ernie! Ernie! [the Pizza Planet truck's engine starts, Bert/Woody climbs into the back, and sees Ernie/Buzz attaching a seat belt] It's safer in the cockpit than the cargo bay. What an idiot.
[the Pizza Planet truck moves forwards sharply, Bert/Woody is tossed and thrown by the extreme motion of the truck as it speeds down the road and up a hill. Items start in the back of the truck start to tumble towards Bert/Woody, one of them being a heavy tool box]
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: [while playing Battleship] Ah, ha. B-3.
- Big Bird/Hamm: Miss. G-6.
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Aw, you sunk it! [Big Bird/Hamm chuckles] Are you peeking?
- Big Bird/Hamm: Hey, quit your whining and pay up. [Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head pulls off one of his ears] No, no, not the ear. Gimme the nose.
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: [pulls off his nose] How 'bout 3 out of 5?
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Son of a building block! It's Bert!
- Bert/Woody: Hey, Ernie! You're flying!
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: This isn't flying, this is falling with style!
- Ernie/Buzz: Terrain seems a bit unstable. No readout yet if the air is breathable. And there seems to be no sign of intelligent life anywhere.
- Bert/Woody: [sneaks up on Ernie/Buzz] Hello!
[Ernie/Buzz yells. Bert/Woody screams. Ernie/Buzz fires his "laser" at Bert/Woody]
- Bert/Woody: Hey hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Did I frighten you? Didn't mean to. Sorry. Howdy. My name... is Bert... and this... is Christopher Robin's room. That's all I wanted to say. And also, there has been a bit of a mix-up. This is my spot, see... the bed here.
- Ernie/Buzz: [sees Bert/Woody's "Sheriff" star badge] Local law enforcement! It's about time you got here. I'm Ernie Lightyear, Space Ranger, Universe Protection Unit. My ship has crash-landed here by mistake.
- Bert/Woody: Yes, it is a mistake, because, you see, the bed here is my spot.
- Ernie/Buzz: I need to repair my turbo boosters. Are you still using fossil fuels, or have you discovered crystallic fusion?
- Bert/Woody: Well, let's see, we got double-A's.
- Ernie/Buzz: I am Ernie Lightyear; I come in peace.
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: [shaking Ernie/Buzz's hand] Oh, I'm so glad you're not a Fraggle!
- Bert/Woody: [trying to get Ernie/Buzz into Maggie Simpson/Molly's stroller] It's a special spaceship, I just saw it.
- Ernie/Buzz: You mean it has hyperdrive?
- Bert/Woody: Hyperactive hyperdrive, and astro... uh... turf.
- Bert/Woody: Listen, lightsnack, you stay away from Christopher Robin. He's mine, and no one is taking him away from me.
- Ernie/Buzz: What are you talking about? Where's that bonding strip?
[slides under his ship with a skateboard]
- Bert/Woody: [pulls him back out] And another thing, *stop* with this *spaceman* thing! It's getting on my nerves.
- Ernie/Buzz: Are you saying you want to lodge a complaint with Star Command?
- Bert/Woody: Oh-ho! O-okay, ooh, well, so you wanna do it the hard way, huh?
- Ernie/Buzz: [gets out from under his ship] Don't even think about it, cowboy.
- Bert/Woody: Oh yeah, tough guy?
- Bert/Woody: [pushes Ernie/Buzz. Ernie/Buzz's helmet opens. Ernie/Buzz chokes gags]
- Snuffy/Slinky Dog: It's Human Chip!
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: I thought he was at summer camp!
- Big Bird/Hamm: They must've kicked him out early this year.
- Bert/Woody: Hey, who's got my hat?
- Mortimer Mouse/Mr. Shark: Look, I'm Bert! Howdy, howdy, howdy!
- Bert/Woody: Ha-ha, ha-ha...
[snatches his hat away]
- Bert/Woody: Gimme that!
- Ernie/Buzz: Do you know these life forms?
- Bert/Woody: Yes, they're Christopher Robin's Muppets.
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: Mr. Ernie, now I'm curious... what does a space ranger actually do?
- Bert/Woody: He's not a space ran-*ger*! He doesn't fight evil or, or... shoot lasers or fly.
- Ernie/Buzz: Excuse me.
- Ernie/Buzz: [Ernie/Buzz deploys his wings; all exclaim in excitement]
- Big Bird/Hamm: Wow. Impressive wingspan. Very good.
- Bert/Woody: Oh, what? What? These are plastic. He can't fly.
- Ernie/Buzz: They are a terillium-carbonic alloy, and I *can* fly.
- Bert/Woody: No, you can't.
- Ernie/Buzz: [scoffs] Yes, I can.
- Bert/Woody: Can't.
- Ernie/Buzz: Can.
- Bert/Woody: Can't, can't, ca-an't!
- Ernie/Buzz: I tell you, I could fly around this room with my eyes closed!
- Bert/Woody: Okay, Mr. Erniebeer, prove it.
- Ernie/Buzz: All right then, I will.
[watching guests arrive for Christopher Robin's party]
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: Any Fraggle-shaped ones?
- Big Bird/Hamm: Oh, for crying out loud, they're all in *boxes*, you idiot.
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: They're getting bigger...
- Snuffy/Slinky Dog: Wait, there's a nice little one over there.
[boy turns around, revealing the full length of the box he's carrying]
- Boober Fraggle/Rex, Big Bird/Hamm, Snuffy/Slinky Dog, Oscar The Grouch/Mr Potato Head Grover/Mr Spell Zazu/Lenny Bagheera/RC: AAAAAHH!
- Bert/Woody: You actually think you're *the* Ernie Lightyear? Hey, look, everybody! It's the *real* Ernie Lightyear!
- Ernie/Buzz: You're mocking me, aren't you?
- Bert/Woody: Oh no, no no no, no. - Ernie look, a WB cartoon!
- Ernie/Buzz: Where?
- Bert/Woody: [slaps knee and laughs hoarsely]
- Snuffy/Slinky Dog: I knew you were right all along, Bert. Never doubted you for a second.
- Bert/Woody: [through his voice box] Reach for the sky!
- Human Chip/Sid Phillips: Huh?
- Bert/Woody: This town ain't big enough for the two of us!
- Human Chip/Sid Phillips: What?
- Bert/Woody: Somebody's poisoned the waterhole!
- Human Chip/Sid Phillips: It's busted.
- Bert/Woody: Who are you calling busted, Buster?
- Human Chip/Sid Phillips: Huh?
- Bert/Woody: That's right! I'm talking to you, Human Chip! We don't like being blown up, Human Chip. Or smashed, or torn apart.
- Human Chip/Sid Phillips: [hyperventilating] W-we?
- Bert/Woody: That's right, your Muppets!
[Muppets get up and surround the terrified Human Chip/Sid]
- Bert/Woody: From now on, you must take good care of your Muppets, because if you don't, we'll find out, Human Chip!
- Bert/Woody: [while turning head around slowly] We Muppets can see EVERYTHING!
- Bert/Woody: [speaking and moving] So play nice!
[Human Chip/Sid screams and runs inside]
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: ROAR!
- Bert/Woody: Hey, how ya doin', Boober.
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: [stops roaring] Were you scared? Tell me honestly.
- Bert/Woody: I was close to being scared that time.
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: I'm going for fearsome here, but I just don't feel it! I'm think I'm just coming off as annoying.
- Bert/Woody: [thinks Ernie/Buzz has gone crazy] Let's get you out of here Ernie...
- Ernie/Buzz: Don't you get it?
[points to a doll's hat on his head]
- Ernie/Buzz: You see the hat? I am Mrs. Nesbitt!
[laughs hysterically]
- Bert/Woody: Snap out of it, Ernie!
[opens Ernie/Buzz's helmet, slaps Ernie/Buzz across the face with his detached arm, then closes the helmet]
- Ernie/Buzz: [calmly] I-I-I... you're right. I'm sorry, I am just a little depressed, that's all. I can get through this.
[breaks down again]
- Ernie/Buzz: Oh, I'm a sham!
- Bert/Woody: Ernie, will you get up here and gimme a hand?
[Ernie/Buzz throws his broken-off arm to Bert/Woody]
- Bert/Woody: Ha-ha, ha-ha. That's real funny. THIS IS SERIOUS!
- Bert/Woody: Ernie? Ernie? You're not worried, are you?
- Ernie/Buzz: Me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Are you?
[camera pans out]
- Bert/Woody: Now Ernie, what could Christopher Robin possibly get that is worse than you?
- Christopher Robin/Andy: [from downstairs] Oh, oh, what is it? What is it? Wow, a puppy!
[camera zooms back in]
- Bert/Woody, Ernie/Buzz: Heh, heh!
- Zazu/Lenny the Binoculars: [Zazu/Lenny spots Bagheera/RC Car rocketing toward the open moving van] Hey, look! It's Bert and Ernie, comin' up fast!
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: Ah! I need air!
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Will you quit moving around?
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: I'm sorry, it's just that I get very nervous before I travel.
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: How did I ever get stuck with you as a moving buddy?
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: Well, because everyone else has been picked.
- Bert/Woody: [yelling through the heat duct] Help! Ernie! Guys!
- The Goatman/Stinky Pete the Prospector: It's too late, Bert! That silly Ernie Lightweight can't help you.
- Bert/Woody: His name is Ernie Lightyear!
- The Goatman/Stinky Pete the Prospector: Whatever. I've always hated those upstart Sesame Street Muppets.
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Can we stop? My feet are killing me.
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: How about a quick roll call? Everybody here?
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Not everybody.
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Who's behind?
- Snuffy/Slinky Dog: Mine...
[Snuffy/Slinky Dog's back half catches up with the group]
- Bert/Woody: Look Jessie, I know you hate me for leaving, but I have to go back. I'm still Christopher Robin's Muppet. Well, if you knew him, you'd understand. See, Christopher Robin's...
- Jessie: Let me guess. Christopher Robin's a real special kid, and to him, you're his buddy, his best friend, and when Christopher Robin plays with you it's like... even though you're not moving, you feel like you're alive, because that's how he sees you.
- Bert/Woody: How did you know that?
- Jessie: Because Tinker Bell was just the same. She was my whole world.
[the Muppets are trying to enter an apartment building]
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: I say we stack ourselves up, push the intercom and pretend we're delivering a pizza.
- Big Bird/Hamm: How about a ham sandwich? With fries and a hotdog?
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: What about me?
- Big Bird/Hamm: Ah, you can be the toy that comes with the meal.
- Snuffy/Slinky Dog: We've been down this aisle already.
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: We haven't been down this aisle, it's pink.
- Snuffy/Slinky Dog: Face it, we're lost.
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: To Abis Mal's Muppet Barn... and beyond.
- Abis Mal/Al McWiggin: So, uh, how long is this gonna take?
- Geppetto/Geri the Cleaner: Ya can't rush art.
- Big Bird/Hamm: Turn into the spin, Minnie!
- Snuffy/Slinky Dog: Ernie, Ernie! My backend's going to Baton Rouge!
- Bugs Bunny, Pebbles Flintstone and Bamm-Bamm Rubble/Alien toys: You have saved our lives. We are eternally grateful.
- Grundgetta/Mrs. Potato Head: You saved their lives? My hero! They're so adorable. Let's adopt them!
- Bugs Bunny, Pebbles Flintstone and Bamm-Bamm Rubble/Alien toys: [Gathering around Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head] Daddy!
- The Goatman/Stinky Pete the Prospector: Idiots! Children destroy Muppets. You'll be ruined, forgotten, spending eternity rotting on some landfill.
- Bert/Woody: Well, Goatman Pete, I think it's time you learned the true meaning of playtime. [points to something off screen] Right over there guys!
- The Goatman/Stinky Pete the Prospector: No, no, No!
[we see a Minnie Mouse/Barbie backpack come out of the baggage room with The Goatman/the Prospector sitting in the netting in front]
- Emmy/Amy: [offscreen] Look, Minnie! A big ugly goat-doll! Ooh, he needs a makeover.
[Emmy/Amy grabs her backpack and puts her Minnie Mouse/Barbie doll in. The doll's head is facing to the left of the screen]
- Minnie Mouse/Barbie: Hi, you'll like Emmy.
[Turns her face to reveal a bunch of make up on her cheek]
- Minnie Mouse/Barbie: She's an artist!
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Bert, stop this nonsense and let's go.
- Bert/Woody: Nah, Ernie.
[sigh]
- Bert/Woody: I can't go. I can't abandon these guys. They need me to get into this museum. Without me, they'll go back into storage. Maybe forever.
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Bert, you're not a collector's item, you're a child's Muppet plaything. You are a *Muppet*!
- Bert/Woody: For how much longer? One more rip, and Christopher Robin's done with me. And what do I do then, Ernie? Huh? You tell me.
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Somewhere in that pad of stuffing is a Muppet who taught me that life's only worth living if you're being loved by a kid. And I traveled all this way to rescue that Muppet because I believed him.
- Bert/Woody: Well, you wasted your time.
- Bert/Woody: You're right, Goatman. I can't stop Christopher Robin from growing up... but I wouldn't miss it for the world.
[last spoken lines]
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: You still worried?
- Bert/Woody: About Christopher Robin? Nah, it will be fun while it lasts.
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: I'm proud of you, Bert.
- Bert/Woody: Besides, when it all ends I'll have old Ernie Lightyear to keep me company - for infinity and beyond.
- Bert/Woody: I know! It's okay, Ernie. I actually want to go.
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: What? Are you crazy?
- Bert/Woody: Look, the thing is, I'm this rare "Sheriff Bert" doll, and these guys, are my - round-up gang.
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Bert, what are you talking about?
- Bert/Woody: What am I talking about? "Bert's Round-Up"! Oh, it's this great old T.V. show, and I was the star.
[turns on T.V. and "Bert's Round-Up" video starts playing]
- Bert/Woody: See, look, that's me!
- Big Bird/Hamm: This is weirdin' me out.
[Bert/Woody goes to the yard sale]
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Where is he going? He's nuts!
- Snuffy/Slinky Dog: His arm ain't that bad!
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: Don't do it, Bert! We love you!
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Bert once risked his life to save mine, and I couldn't call myself his friend if I wasn't willing to do the same. Now who's with me?
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: It's the chicken man!
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: That's our guy!
- Big Bird/Hamm: I knew there was somethin' I didn't like about that chicken.
- Bert/Woody: I have no choice, Ernie. This is my only chance.
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: To do what? Watch kids from behind glass and never be loved again? Some life.
- Bert/Woody: Here's your list of things to do while I'm gone: batteries need to be changed. Muppets at the bottom of the chest need to be rotated. Oh, and make sure everyone attends Grover's seminar on what to do if you or part of you is swallowed. Okay? Okay, good, okay.
- Snuffy/Slinky Dog: I mayn't be a smart Snuffleupagus, but I know what roadkill is.
- Minnie Mouse/Tour guide Barbie: And this is the Ernie Lightyear aisle. Back in 1969, short-sighted retailers didn't order enough dolls to meet demand.
- The Goatman/Stinky Pete the Prospector: How long will it last, Bert? Do you really think Christopher Robin is going to take you to college, or on his honeymoon? Christopher Robin's growing up, and there's nothing you can do about it. It's your choice, Bert. You can go back, or you can stay with us and last forever. You'll be adored by children for generations.
- Bert/Woody: [pets Pluto/Bullseye the Horse, then suddenly decides to stay] Who am I to break up the Roundup Gang?
- Grundgetta/Mrs. Potato Head: [to Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head] I'm packing your extra pair of shoes, and your angry eyes just in case.
- Jessie: You never forget kids like Tinker Bell, or Christopher Robin, but they forget you.
[Channel-surfing at breathtaking speed to find the Abis Mal's Muppet Barn ad]
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: Go back, go back, you missed it!
- Big Bird/Hamm: Too late, I'm in the 40's, gotta go around the horn!
- Prairie Dawn/Bo Peep: [amorously] You're cute when you care.
- Bert/Woody: [embarrassed] Prairie Dawn. Not in front of Ernie.
- Prairie Dawn/Bo Peep: This is for Bert, when you find him.
[She gives Ernie/Buzz a long kiss]
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: [cough] Um, okay, but it won't be the same coming from me.
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: What happened?
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: [in disbelief] Bert's been shelved!
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Don't worry, Bert. In just a few hours you'll be sitting around a campfire with Christopher Robin making delicious hot Schmoes.
- Bert/Woody: [lamely] They're called "S'mores", Ernie.
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Yes, yes. Of course.
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: [Boober Fraggle/Rex is running to catch up with the toy car Minnie Mouse/Barbie is driving] Hey guys! Slow down! Fraggle overboard!
[he trips and falls face first into the backseat]
- Minnie Mouse/Tour guide Barbie: Remain seated, please! Permanecer sentados, por favor!
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: I found it.
- Bert/Woody: You found my hat?
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Your hat? No. Grundgetta lost her earring. Oh my little sweet grouch!
- Grundgetta/Mrs. Potato Head: You found it! Oh, it's so nice to have a big, strong grouch around the house.
- Big Bird/Hamm: Excuse me, ladies, but could any of you tell us where we might the Abis Mal of Abis Mal's Muppet Barn?
- Minnie Mouse/Tour guide Barbie: I can help!
[slides down the slide and into the toy car]
- Minnie Mouse/Tour guide Barbie: I'm Tour Guide Minnie! Please keep your hands, arms, and accessories in the car, and no flash photography. Thank you.
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: I'm a married grouch, I'm a married grouch...
- Big Bird/Hamm: Then make way for the single fellas.
[Bert/Woody explains his newfound past to his old friends]
- Bert/Woody: Oh, you should have seen it. There was a record player. And a yo-yo. Ernie, I was a yo-yo!
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: [to Big Bird/Hamm] WAS?
- Bert/Woody: [Jessie shuts off the TV as the "Bert's Roundup" episode ends] Hey, w-wait, What happened? What happens next? Come on, let's see the next episode!
- The Goatman/Stinky Pete the Prospector: That's it.
- Bert/Woody: What?
- The Goatman/Stinky Pete the Prospector: The show was cancelled after that.
- Bert/Woody: Wait, wait, wait. What about the bottlecap collection and... and the cute little pigeons and the oatmeal sponsors? That was a great show! I mean, why cancel it?
- The Goatman/Stinky Pete the Prospector: Two words: Rubber duckie. Once the rubber duckies were very popular, children only wanted to play with bath toys.
- Bert/Woody: ...I know how that feels.
- Big Bird/Hamm: All right, let's review this one more time. At precisely 8:32-ish, Exhibit A, Bert, was kidnapped.
[Edd/Etch-A-Sketch draws Bert/Woody]
- Big Bird/Hamm: Exhibit B, a composide sketch of the kidnapper.
[Edd/Etch-A-Sketch draws Abis Mal/Al with a long beard]
- Prairie Dawn/Bo Peep: He didn't have a beard like that.
- Big Bird/Hamm: Fine. Uh, Double D, give him a shave.
[Edd/Etch-A-Sketch redraws Abis Mal/Al without a beard]
- Snuffy/Slinky Dog: The kidnapper was bigger than that.
- Big Bird/Hamm: Oh, picky, picky, picky.
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Oh, let's just go straight to Exhibit F! The kidnapper's vehicle.
[Refers to their toy reconstruction of the driveway]
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Now the vehicle fled the scene in this direction.
[pushes a toy car to the left]
- Big Bird/Hamm: Oh, your parts are in backwards! It went the other way!
[pushes the toy car right] Big Bird/Hamm: Hey, put a cork in it! [Boober Fraggle/Rex walks through, destroying their model]
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: Hey, how do you spell F-B-I?
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: My crime scene!
- Big Bird/Hamm: Oh, why don't you watch where you're going,
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: I didn't know this was a crime scene!
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Excuse me, excuse me, a little quiet please! Thank you.
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Good work, men. Two blocks down and only nineteen more to go.
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: What?
- Big Bird/Hamm: Nineteen?
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Are we gonna do this all night? My feet are killing me.
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Come on, fellas. Did Bert give up when Human Chip had me strapped to a rocket?
- Boober Fraggle/Rex, Big Bird/Hamm, Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head, Snuffy/Slinky Dog: No.
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: No. And did he give up when you threw him out of the back of that moving van?
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Oh, you had to bring *that* up!
- Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: No, he didn't! We have a friend in need, and we'ren't going to rest until he's safe in Christopher Robin's room! Now, let's move out!
- Bert/Woody: [Uncle Max/Chatter Telephone rings. Bert/Woody picks up phone] Hello?
- Uncle Max/Chatter Telephone: You shouldn't have come back cowboy. They cracked down hard since you left. More guards, more patrols, you and your friends ain't ever getting out of here now.
- Bert/Woody: I made it out once.
- Uncle Max/Chatter Telephone: You got LUCKY once. Want my advice? Keep your heads down, you'll survive.
- Bert/Woody: Yeah, for how long?
- Uncle Max/Chatter Telephone: I've been here years, they'll never break me. There's only one way Muppets leave this place.
[Both see the janitor dropping a toy train down the trash chute]
- Uncle Max/Chatter Telephone: Poor fella. Trash truck comes at dawn, then it's off to the dump.
- Bert/Woody: Look, I appreciate your concern old-timer, but we have a kid waiting for us. Now, we're leaving. If you'd help us, one Muppet to another, I'd sure be grateful.
- Uncle Max/Chatter Telephone: [pause] Well... if you're gonna get out, first things you're gonna get through is the doors. Locked every night, inside and out, keys are left on a hook in the office.
- Bert/Woody: Got it. What else?
- Uncle Max/Chatter Telephone: The Grinch has trucks patrolling all night long. Hallway, lobby, playground...
- Bert/Woody: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but what about the wall?
- Uncle Max/Chatter Telephone: Eight feet high; cinder block; No way through it. You go over, or under.
- Bert/Woody: That's it? It doesn't seem so bad.
- Uncle Max/Chatter Telephone: It's not. Your REAL problem's Sir Hiss. Sir Hiss's the eye in the sky. He sees everything... classrooms, hallways, even the playground. You can unlock doors, sneak past guards, climb the wall, but if you don't take out that snake you ain't going nowhere. You want to get out of here... GET RID OF THAT SNAKE!
- Grundgetta/Mrs. Potato Head: You saved our lives!
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: And *we* are eternally grateful!
[hugs the aliens]
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: My boys!
- Bugs Bunny, Pebbles Flintstone and Bamm-Bamm Rubble/Aliens: Daaaaaady!
- Big Bird/Hamm the Piggy Bank: Hey, where's that fur-ball Grinch?
- Snuffy/Slinky Dog: Yeah, I'd like to loosen his stitching.
- Bert/Woody: Forget it, guys. He's not worth it.
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Remember all that bad stuff I said about Christopher Robin's attic? I take it all back.
- Snuffy/Slinky Dog: Ya darn-tootin'
- Big Bird/Hamm the Piggy Bank: You said it!
- Bert/Woody: Hey, if any of you get to Disney Parks, you tell 'em Bert made it home.
- Clarabelle Cow/Dolly: You came from Disney Parks?
- Nazz/Trixie: But how'd you escape?
- Bert/Woody: Well, it wasn't easy. I... What do you mean "escape"?
- Fozzie Bear/Mr. Pricklepants: Disney Parks is a place of ruin and despair, ruled by an evil green guy who impersonated Santa Claus.
- Bert/Woody: Wh...? The Grinch?
- Horace Horsecollar/Buttercup: The guy may seem green on the outside, but inside, he's a monster!
- Bert/Woody: But, how'd you know that?
- Fozzie Bear/Mr. Pricklepants: Grumpy... he'll tell you.
- Grumpy/Chuckles: Yeah, I knew The Grinch. He was a good character. A friend. Me and him, we had the same kid: Alice. I was there when the Grinch got unwrapped. Alice loved us all. But the Grinch... the Grinch was special. They did everything together. Never seen a kid and character more in love. One day we took a drive, hit a rest stop, had a little playtime. After lunch, Alice fell asleep. She never came back. The Grinch wouldn't give up. It took forever, but we finally made it back to Alice's. But by then, it was too late. Something changed that day inside the Grinch. Something snapped.
- The Grinch/Lotso: She replaced us! Come on!
- Grumpy/Chuckles: No, she didn't replace you!
- The Grinch/Lotso: SHE REPLACED ALL OF US, DIDN'T SHE? [grabs Jimmy/Big Baby from climbing up to Alice/Daisy's window and snatches Martha May Whovier's pendant away from him] She don't love you no more! NOW COME ON!
- Grumpy/Chuckles: We were lost, cast-off, unloved, unwanted. Then we found Disney Parks. But the Grinch wasn't my friend anymore. He wasn't anyone's friend. He took over Disney Parks and rigged the whole system.
- Bert/Woody: So, how'd you get out?
- Grumpy/Chuckles: I got broke. Jane found me, took me home. Other characters... they weren't so lucky. It ain't right what the Grinch done. New characters... they don't stand a chance.
- Mickey Mouse/Ken Carson: Everyone, listen! Disney Parks can be real cool and groovy if we just treat each other fair. It's the Grinch! He turns us into a pyramid and he put himself on top!
- The Grinch/Lotso: Anyone concur with Mickey?
[Scratch/Twitch, Grounder/Chunk and likely Coconuts/Sparks as well looked at each other, starting to doubt the Grinch's leadership]
- The Grinch/Lotso: I didn't throw you away. Your kid did. Ain't one kid ever loved a Muppet, really. Chew on that when you're at the dump.
- Bert/Woody: Wait. What about Alice?
- The Grinch/Lotso: I don't know what you're talking about.
- Bert/Woody: Alice? You used to do everything with her?
- The Grinch/Lotso: Yeah, then she threw us out.
- Bert/Woody: No, she lost you.
- The Grinch/Lotso: She *replaced* us!
- Bert/Woody: She replaced *you*, and if you couldn't have her, then no one could! You lied to Jimmy and you've been lying ever since!
[Bert/Woody pulls out Alice/Daisy's tag attracting Jimmy/Big Baby's attention]
- The Grinch/Lotso: Where'd you get that?
- Bert/Woody: She loved you, Grinch.
- The Grinch/Lotso: She never *loved* me!
- Bert/Woody: As much as any kid ever loved a character.
[Bert/Woody tosses the tag to the other side of the open dumpster. Jimmy/Big Baby picks it up and looks at it]
- Jimmy/Big Baby: Mama.
[The Grinch/Lotso snatches the tag away]
- The Grinch/Lotso: What? You want your mommy back? She never loved *you*! Don't be such a BABY!
[The Grinch/Lotso smashes the tag with his mallet]
- The Grinch/Lotso: Push 'em in! All of them!
[Dr. Ivo Robotnik/Stretch starts shoving the Muppets and Mickey Mouse/Ken Carson & Minnie Mouse/Barbie in the dumpster, then The Grinch/Lotso addresses his cronies. He poked Jimmy/Big Baby hard in the stomach with his cane as Scratch/Twitch, Grounder/Chunk and Coconuts/Sparks watch in shock]
- The Grinch/Lotso: This is what happens when you dummies try to think! WE'RE ALL JUST TRASH WAITIN' TO BE THROWN AWAY! THAT'S ALL A CHARACTER IS!
[Suddenly, Jimmy/Big Baby lifts The Grinch/Lotso into the air, making him drop his mallet]
- The Grinch/Lotso: Hey, stop it! Put me down, you idiot!
[Jimmy/Big Baby throws The Grinch/Lotso in the dumpster]
- The Grinch/Lotso: AAAAH! No! No, wait a minute, Jimmy! Wait!
- Boober Fraggle/Rex: He's gone!
- Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Holy cow.
[Jimmy/Big Baby blows a raspberry directly at The Grinch/Lotso.]