Logo of Hell Hounds, Inc.

Hell Hounds is by far the most popular brand of anti-zombie dachshunds in America today. The company's meteoric rise in success and brand identification comes in part because of their superior product and celebrity advertising. Being the first of the wiener mills to incorporate and create a national presence, Hell Hounds, Inc. now generates an estimated 60 million dollars a year in profits.

The Hell Hounds secret

While competitors focus on volume production or fancy gimmicks of questionable value, Hell Hounds chooses to focus on providing the American public the finest possible anti-zombie dachshund. These dogs come from select bitches and sires with the finest of bloodlines. Couple this fine breeding with the finest and most intense anti-zombie training imaginable and the result is a dachshund capable of providing years of superior loyalty and service.


The heart of Hell Hounds' success is the superior training of their dogs. Starting from the moment they are weaned, Hell Hounds dachshunds are trained to subsist on only on a meager handful of kibble a day. For the first eight months of life, the dogs run obstacle and agility courses seven hours a day. Concurrently with the stamina training, the dogs are subjected to an intense "zombie desensitization training", wherein the dogs are repeatedly exposed to both real and simulated zombies in order to quell any sense fear or apprehension on the dogs' parts. After desensitization, the dogs are taught basic evasion and decoy techniques, designed to allow the dog not only to lead zombies away from their owners, but also enable to dog to backtrack undetected to their owners. The end result of all this training is, as one journalist put it, is "...the rebirth of the ancient Spartan warrior-- in wienie dog form."

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