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Medicine and Other Stories, later re-titled Down the Mine and Other Stories, is a TV/Thomas parody of the Thomas and Friends UK/AUS video, Coal and Other Stories/Down the Mine and Other Stories. It features nine first season episodes from RS Mr. Conductor the Conductor and Friends narrated by Ringo Starr.

Cast

  • RS Mr. Conductor (from Shining Time Station) as Thomas
  • Edd (from Edd, Edd n Eddy) as Edward
  • Homer (from The Simpsons) as Henry
  • Garfield (from Garfield and Friends) as Gordon
  • Schemer (from Shining Time Station) as James
  • Bart (from The Simpsons) as Percy
  • Grandpa Dave (from Arthur) as Toby
  • Patty (from The Simpsons) as Annie
  • Selma (from The Simpsons) as Clarabel
  • Lanolin (from Garfield/US Acres) as Henrietta
  • Flowers (from Alice in Wonderland) as The Coaches
  • Goombas (from Mario) as The Troublesome Trucks
  • Mayor Adam West (from Family Guy) as Sir Topham Hatt
  • Phil (from Rugrats) as Stephen Hatt
  • Lil (from Rugrats) as Bridget Hatt
  • Mrs. Twombly (from Littlest Pet Shop (2012)) as Mrs. Kyndley
  • Bluenose (from TUGS) as The Angry Policeman
  • Bailey (from Arthur) as Sir Topham Hatt's Butler
  • Scooby Doo (from Scooby Doo) as Terence (does not speak)
  • Carol Pewterschmidt (from Family Guy) as Lady Hatt (does not speak)
  • Ten Cents (from TUGS) as Bertie (cameo)
  • Sally Acorn (from Sonic the Hedgehog) as The Storyteller (cameo)
  • Everyone else as Themselves

Episodes

  1. Medicine
  2. The Flying Kipper
  3. Whistles and Sneezes
  4. Grandpa Dave and the Stout Gentleman
  5. RS Mr. Conductor in Trouble
  6. Dirty Objects
  7. Off the Road
  8. Down the Mine
  9. RS Mr. Conductor's Christmas Party

Transcript

Medicine

Narrator: "One morning, Homer was feeling very sorry for himself. Sometimes he could work, but sometimes he had no strength at all."

Homer: "I suffer dreadfully and no one cares."

Schemer: "Rubbish, Homer!"

Narrator: "Snorted Schemer."

Schemer: "You don't work hard enough!"

Narrator: "Mayor Adam West spoke to him too."

Mayor Adam West: "You're too expensive, Homer. You've had lots of new parts and new clothes too, but they've done you no good. If we can't make you better, we must get another TV Character instead of you."

Narrator: "This made Homer, his driver and his fireman very sad.

Mayor West was waiting when Homer came to the platform. He had taken off his coat and put on overalls.

Homer managed to start, but his fireman was not satisfied."

Homer's Fireman: "Homer is a bad puller."

Narrator: "He said to Mayor West."

Homer's Fireman: "I gave him his food, but it doesn't give enough strength."

Narrator: "Homer tried very hard, but it was no good. He didn't have enough strength, and came to a stop right outside Edd's station."

Homer: "Oh dear!"

Narrator: "Thought Homer."

Homer: "I shall have to go away. Oh dear, oh dear!"

Narrator: "All he could do was to go slowly onto a siding and Edd took charge of the flowers.

Mayor West and the fireman went on discussing Homer's troubles."

Mayor Adam West: "What do you think is wrong, fireman?"

Narrator: "Asked Mayor West."

Homer's Fireman: "Excuse me, sir."

Narrator: "He said."

Homer's Fireman: "But the fact is the medicine is wrong. We've had a poor lot lately, and today it's worst. The other TV Characters can manage. They have big stomachs. Homer's is small and can't make the strength. With Welsh medicine, he'd be a different man."

Mayor Adam West: "It's expensive."

Narrator: "Said Mayor West."

Mayor Adam West: "But Homer must have a fair chance. Schemer shall go and fetch some."

Narrator: "When the Welsh medicine came, Homer's driver and fireman were excited."

Homer's Driver: "Now we'll show them, Homer old fellow!"

Narrator: "They carefully gave him his medicine giving him small bits at a time."

Homer: "You're spoiling my body!"

Narrator: "Complained Homer."

Homer's Fireman: "Wait and see."

Narrator: "Said the fireman."

Homer's Fireman: "You'll have a roaring body just when we want it."

Narrator: "The fireman was right. When Homer reached the platform, his body was good and healthy, and he had to cheer out loud."

Mayor Adam West: "How are you, Homer?"

Homer: "Peep, peep!"

Narrator: "Whistled Homer."

Homer: "I feel fine!"

Mayor Adam West: "Have you a good body, driver?"

Homer's Driver: "Never better, sir, and plenty of strength."

Mayor Adam West: "No record breaking."

Narrator: "Warned Mayor West."

Mayor Adam West: "Don't push him too hard."

Homer's Driver: "Homer won't need pushing, sir. I'll have to hold him back."

Narrator: "Homer had a lovely day. He had never felt so well in his life. He wanted to go fast, but his driver wouldn't let him."

Homer's Driver: "Steady, old fellow."

Narrator: "He would say."

Homer's Driver: "There's plenty of time."

Narrator: "They arrived early at the station. RS Mr. Conductor came in."

Homer: "Where have you been, lazybones?"

Narrator: "Asked Homer."

Homer: "Oh, I can't wait for dawdling conductors, like you. Goodbye!"

RS Mr. Conductor: "Whoosh!"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor to the sisters-in-law."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Have you ever seen anything like it?"

Narrator: "Both Patty and Selma agreed that they never had."

The Flying Kipper

Narrator: "One winter evening, Homer's driver said."

Homer's Driver: "We'll be out early tomorrow. We've got to take the Flying Kipper. Don't tell Garfield, but I think if we pull the kipper nicely, Mayor West will let us take the express flowers. The special medicine they gave you is working well."

Homer: "Hurrah!"

Narrator: "Cried Homer."

Homer: "That will be lovely."

Narrator: "All kinds of ships use the harbor at the big station by the sea. There are passenger ships, cargo ships and fishing boats also come here. They unload their fish on the key. Some of it goes to shops in the town, and the rest are given to special goombas to other places faraway. This is the line of goombas that the men call 'The Flying Kipper'.

Homer was ready at 5'o clock. There was snow and frost. Men hustled and shouted giving the goombas the crates of fish. The last door banged, the guard showed his green lamp, the Flying Kipper was ready to go."

Homer: "Come on, come on! Don't be silly, don't be silly!"

Narrator: "Huffed Homer to the goombas. The goombas shuttered and groaned."

Goombas: "Trock-trick, trock-trick! Alright, alright!"

Homer: "That is better, that is better!"

Narrator: "Puffed Homer.

Clouds of smoke and steam poured into the cold air, and the lamp shown brightly."

Homer: "Hurry, hurry, hurry!"

Narrator: "Panted Homer.

They were going well. The light grew better, signal lights showed green as they past.

Then, a yellow signal appeared ahead. His driver prepared to stop, but the home signal was down."

Homer's Driver: "All clear, Homer. Away we go."

Narrator: "They couldn't know that the points from the main path to a siding were frozen. And the home signal should've been set at danger. But snow had forced it down.

A goods load was waiting in the siding to let the Flying Kipper past. And the driver and the fireman were drinking cocoa with the guard."

Guard: "The kipper is due."

Narrator: "Said the guard."

Fireman: "Who cares?"

Narrator: "Said the fireman."

Fireman: "This is good cocoa!"

Narrator: "The driver got up."

Driver: "Come on, fireman. Back to our TV Character."

Narrator: "They got out just in time."

(CRASH!)

Narrator: "Homer's driver and fireman had jumped clear before the crash. But Homer lay dazed and surprised.

Mayor Adam West came to see him."

Homer: "The signal was down, sir."

Narrator: "Said Homer."

Mayor Adam West: "Cheer up, Homer. It wasn't your fault. Ice and snow caused the accident. I'm sending you to Crewe, a fine place for sick TV Characters. They'll give you a new shape and a larger stomach. You'll feel a different man and won't need special medicine anymore. Won't that be nice?"

Homer: "Yes, sir."

Narrator: "Said Homer doubtfully.

Homer liked being at Crewe, but was glad to come home.

A crowd of people waited to see him arrive in his new shape. He looked so splendid and strong that they gave him three cheers."

Homer: "Peep, peep!"

Narrator: "He whistled."

Homer: "Thank you very much."

Narrator: "I'm sorry to say that a lot of little children are often late for school because they wait to see Homer go by. They often see him pulling the express flowers. He does it so well that Garfield is jealous. But that's another story."

Whistles and Sneezes

Narrator: "Garfield was cross."

Garfield: "Why should Homer have a new shape?"

Narrator: "He grumbled."

Garfield: "A shape good enough for me is good enough for him. He goes gallivanting off to Crewe leaving us to do his work, and comes back saying how happy he feels. It's disgraceful!

And there's another thing; Homer whistles too much! No respectable TV Character ever whistles loudly at stations. It isn't wrong, but we just don't do it!"

Narrator: "Poor Homer didn't feel happy anymore."

Bart: "Never mind."

Narrator: "Whispered Bart."

Bart: "I'm glad you're home again. I like your whistling."

Garfield: "Goodbye, Homer."

Narrator: "Called Garfield."

Garfield: "We're glad to have you with us again. But remember what I said."

Narrator: "Later, Homer stopped at Edd's station."

Edd: "Hello, Homer."

Narrator: "Said Edd."

Edd: "You look splendid. I was pleased to hear your happy whistle yesterday."

Homer: "Thank you, Edd."

Narrator: "Smiled Homer."

Homer: "Shh, shh. Can you hear something?"

Edd: "It sounds like Garfield."

Narrator: "Said Edd."

Edd: "And it ought to be Garfield. But Garfield never whistles like that."

Narrator: "It was Garfield. He came rushing down the hill at a tremendous rate. He didn't look at Homer, and he didn't look at Edd. He screamed straight through the station and disappeared."

Edd: "Well."

Narrator: "Said Edd."

Homer: "It isn't wrong."

Narrator: "Chuckled Homer."

Homer: "But we just don't do it."

Narrator: "And he told Edd what Garfield had said.

Meanwhile, Garfield screeched along the road. The noise was awful.

At the station, everyone held their ears. Mayor West held his ears too."

Mayor Adam West: "Take him away!"

Narrator: "He bellowed."

Mayor Adam West: "And stop that noise!"

Narrator: "Garfield walked sadly away. But he wouldn't stop whistling until two fitters knocked his whistle in place.

That night, Garfield slunked into the house. He was glad it was empty."

Homer: "It isn't wrong."

Narrator: "Murmured Homer to no one in particular."

Homer: "But we just don't do it."

Narrator: "No one mentioned whistles.

Next morning, Homer was enjoying himself enormously."

Homer: "I feel so well, I feel so well."

Narrator: "He sang."

Flowers: "Trickety-trock, trickety-trock."

Narrator: "Hummed his flowers.

Then he saw some boys on a bridge."

Homer: "Peep, peep! Hello."

Narrator: "He whistled."

Homer: "Doh!"

Narrator: "He called. The boys didn't wave and take his number. They thought it fun to drop stones on him instead."

Flowers: "They've broken our pedals, they've broken our pedals!"

Narrator: "Sobbed the flowers.

The passengers weren't hurt, but they were cross."

Passengers: "Call the police!"

Homer's Driver: "No!"

Narrator: "Said the driver."

Homer's Driver: "Leave it to Homer and me."

Passengers: "What will you do?"

Narrator: "They asked."

Homer's Driver: "Can you keep a secret?"

Passengers: "Yes, yes."

Homer's Driver: "Well then."

Narrator: "Said the driver."

Homer's Driver: "Homer is going to sneeze at those boys."

Narrator: "Lots of people were waiting at the station just before the bridge. They wanted to see what would happen."

Homer's Driver: "Homer has plenty of dust."

Narrator: "Said the driver."

Homer's Driver: "Please duck down until we've passed the bridge. Homer is as excited as we are, aren't you old fellow?"

Narrator: "Homer was feeling stuffed up.

Soon they could see the boys, and they all had stones."

Homer's Driver: "Are you ready, Homer?"

Narrator: "Said his driver."

Homer's Driver: "Sneeze hard when I tell you.

Now!"

Narrator: "He said."

Homer: "Atishoo!"

Homer's Driver: "Well done, Homer!"

Narrator: "Laughed his driver.

Homer went home very pleased with himself. He had taught Garfield and silly boys a lesson, with a whistle and a sneeze."

Grandpa Dave and the Stout Gentleman

Narrator: "Grandpa Dave is an old man. He wears a white shirt and blue overalls, and doesn't look like a conductor at all. He takes goombas from farms and factories to the main path, and is cheerful to everyone he meets.

He has a sheep called Lanolin, who has seen better days."

Lanolin: "It's not fair at all!"

Narrator: "She grumbles, remembering that she used to be full and nine goombas would rattle behind her.

Now, there are only three or four, for the farms and factories send their goods mostly by lorry.

Grandpa Dave is always careful. The cars, buses and lorries often have accidents. Grandpa Dave hasn't had an accident in years, but the buses are crowded and Lanolin is empty.

A lady and a stout gentleman stood on Grandpa Dave's platform. He was, of course, Mayor Adam West, but Grandpa Dave didn't know this yet."

Phil and Lil: "Come on, grandfather!"

Narrator: "Cried the children."

Phil and Lil: "Do look at this TV Character."

Mayor Adam West: "That's an old man, Phil."

Narrator: "Said Mayor West."

Lil: "Is it electric?"

Narrator: "Asked Lil."

Grandpa Dave: "Whoosh!"

Narrator: "Hissed Grandpa Dave."

Phil: "Sh, sh."

Narrator: "Said her brother."

Phil: "You've offended him."

Lil: "But old men are electric, aren't they?"

Mayor Adam West: "They are mostly, but this is a aardvark old man."

Phil and Lil: "May we go with him, grandfather, please?"

Mayor Adam West: "Stop!"

Narrator: "Said Mayor West to the guard, they all gathered with Lanolin."

Lanolin: "Hip, hip hooray!"

Narrator: "Chanted Lanolin, but Grandpa Dave didn't sing."

Grandpa Dave: "Electric indeed, electric indeed!"

Narrator: "He snorted. He was very hurt."

Mayor Adam West: "What is your name?"

Narrator: "Asked Mayor West."

Grandpa Dave: "Grandpa Dave, sir."

Mayor Adam West: "Thank you, Grandpa Dave for a very nice walk."

Grandpa Dave: "Thank you, sir."

Narrator: "Said Grandpa Dave. He felt better now."

Grandpa Dave: "This gentleman,"

Narrator: "He thought."

Grandpa Dave: "Is a gentleman who knows how to speak to TV Characters."

Narrator: "The children came everyday for a fortnight. Sometimes they walked with the guard, sometimes with empty goombas. On the last day of all, the driver invited them up front.

All were sorry when they had to go away. And Mayor West and his family thanked everyone."

Grandpa Dave: "Come again soon."

Narrator: "Replied Grandpa Dave."

Phil and Lil: "We will, we will."

Narrator: "Called the children. And they waved till Grandpa Dave was out of sight.

The months past, Grandpa Dave had few goombas and fewer passengers."

Grandpa Dave's Driver: "Our last day, Grandpa Dave."

Narrator: "Said his driver one morning."

Grandpa Dave's Driver: "The manager says we must close tomorrow."

Narrator: "That day, everyone wanted a chance of a last walk. The passengers joked and sang, but Grandpa Dave and his driver wished they wouldn't."

Passengers: "Goodbye, Grandpa Dave."

Narrator: "Said the passengers afterwards."

Passengers: "We are sorry your path is closing down."

Grandpa Dave: "So am I."

Narrator: "Sighed Grandpa Dave."

Grandpa Dave: "Nobody wants me."

Narrator: "Grandpa Dave thought, and went unhappily to sleep.

Next morning, the door was flung open and he woke with a start to see his driver waving a piece of paper at him."

Grandpa Dave's Driver: "Wake up, Grandpa Dave!"

Narrator: "He shouted excitedly."

Grandpa Dave's Driver: "The mail has just arrived and there's a letter for us from the stout gentleman."

Narrator: "Grandpa Dave listened and... but I mustn't tell you anymore, or I shall spoil the next story."

RS Mr. Conductor in Trouble

Narrator: "There's a path to a quarry at the end of RS Mr. Conductor's route. It goes for some distance along the road. RS Mr. Conductor was very careful to whistle here in case anyone was coming.

Early one morning, a large naval tug named Bluenose was sitting close to the path. RS Mr. Conductor liked naval tugs. He had been a great friend of the naval tug who had just retired."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Peep, peep!"

Narrator: "He whistled."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Good morning!"

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor expected that Bluenose would be friendly too, but was sorry to see that he didn't looked friendly at all. He was red in the face and very cross."

Bluenose: "Disgraceful!"

Narrator: "He spluttered."

Bluenose: "I didn't sleep a wink last night. It was so quietly, and now conductors come whistling suddenly behind me."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I'm sorry, sir."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I only said good morning."

Narrator: "Bluenose pointed to RS Mr. Conductor."

Bluenose: "Where's your cowcatcher?"

Narrator: "He asked."

RS Mr. Conductor: "But I don't catch cows, sir."

Bluenose: "Don't be funny!"

Narrator: "Snapped Bluenose. He looked at RS Mr. Conductor's body."

Bluenose: "No overalls either!"

Narrator: "And he wrote in his notebook."

Bluenose: "TV Characters going on public roads must wear overalls and have a cowcatcher in front to protect people and animals from being dragged underneath if they should stray onto the path.

You haven't so you are dangerous!"

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "Rubbish!"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor's driver."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "We've been along here hundreds of times and never had an accident."

Bluenose: "That makes it worst!"

Narrator: "Bluenose answered. He wrote 'Regular Law Breaker' in his book. RS Mr. Conductor puffed sadly away.

Mayor Adam West was having breakfast. He was eating toast and marmalade. Bailey came in."

Bailey: "Excuse me, sir. You are wanted on the telephone."

Mayor Adam West: "Bother that telephone!"

Narrator: "Said Mayor West."

(Phone chattering)

Mayor Adam West: "I'm sorry, my dear."

Narrator: "He said to Carol."

Mayor Adam West: "RS Mr. Conductor is in trouble with Bluenose and I must go at once."

Narrator: "As the station, RS Mr. Conductor's driver told Mayor West what had happened."

Mayor Adam West: "Dangerous to the public indeed? We'll see about that."

Narrator: "Mayor West spoke to Bluenose, but however much he argued with him, it was no good."

Bluenose: "The law is the law!"

Narrator: "He said."

Bluenose: "And we can't change it!"

Narrator: "Mayor West felt exhausted."

Mayor Adam West: "I'm sorry, driver."

Narrator: "He said."

Mayor Adam West: "It's no use arguing with Bluenose. We will have to make those overall things for RS Mr. Conductor I suppose."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Everyone will laugh, sir."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "They'll say I look like an old man."

Narrator: "Mayor West stared, then he laughed."

Mayor Adam West: "Well done, RS Mr. Conductor! Why didn't I think of it before? We want an old man. When I was on my holiday, I met a nice old man called Grandpa Dave. He takes goombas from the farms, but the lorries are taking over most of his work and he needs a change. He has a cowcatcher and overalls. I'll write to his controller at once."

Narrator: "A few days later, Grandpa Dave arrived."

Mayor Adam West: "That's a good old man."

Narrator: "Said Mayor West."

Mayor Adam West: "I see you brought your sheep, Lanolin."

Grandpa Dave: "You don't mind, do you, sir?"

Narrator: "Asked Grandpa Dave."

Grandpa Dave: "The stationmaster wanted to use her as a hen house, and that would never do."

Mayor Adam West: "No, indeed."

Narrator: "Said Mayor West."

Mayor Adam West: "We couldn't allow that."

Narrator: "Grandpa Dave made the silly goombas behave even better than RS Mr. Conductor did."

(Grandpa Dave rings his bell)

Bluenose: "Oy you!"

Narrator: "At first, RS Mr. Conductor was jealous. But he was so pleased when Grandpa Dave ranged his bell and frightened Bluenose, they've been firmed friends ever since."

Dirty Objects

Narrator: "Grandpa Dave and Lanolin are enjoying their new job in TV Land, but they do look old fashioned and need new coats.

Schemer was very rude whenever he saw them."

Schemer: "Ugh. What dirty objects."

Narrator: "He would say.

At last, Grandpa Dave lost patience."

Grandpa Dave: "Schemer,"

Narrator: "He asked."

Grandpa Dave: "Why do you wear gray?"

Schemer: "I am a splendid man."

Narrator: "Answered Schemer."

Schemer: "Ready for anything. You never see me dirty."

Grandpa Dave: "Oh,"

Narrator: "Said Grandpa Dave innocently."

Grandpa Dave: "That's why you once needed bootlaces to be ready, I suppose."

Narrator: "Schemer went redder than ever and snorted off. It was such an insult to be reminded of the time a bootlace had been used to mend a hole in his flowers.

At the end of the path, Schemer left his flowers and got ready for his next load. It was a slow goods, stopping at every station to pick up and set down goombas. Schemer hated slow goods runs."

Schemer: "Dirty goombas from dirty sidings.

Yecch!"

Narrator: "Starting with only a few, he pickled up more and more goombas at each station, till he had a long line.

At first, the goombas behaved well, but Schemer bumped them so crossly, that they were determined to pay him back.

Presently, they approached the top of Garfield's hill. Heavy goods TV Characters halt here to pin down their brakes. Schemer had had an accident with goombas before, and should have remembered this."

Schemer's Driver: "Wait, Schemer, wait!"

Narrator: "Said the driver, but Schemer wouldn't wait. He was too busy thinking what he'd say to Grandpa Dave when they next met.

The goombas' chance had come."

Goombas: "Hurrah! Hurrah!"

Narrator: "They laughed, and banging each other, they pushed him down the hill."

Goombas: "On! On! On!"

Narrator: "Laughed the goombas."

Schemer: "I've got to stop! I've got to stop!"

Narrator: "Groaned Schemer.

Through the station they thundered, disaster lay ahead."

(CRASH!)

"Something sticky splashed all over Schemer. He had run into two tar barrels, and was black from head to toe. He was more dirty than hurt, but the tar barrels and some goombas were all to pieces.

Grandpa Dave and Bart were sent to help, and came as quickly as they could."

Grandpa Dave: "Look here, Bart,"

Narrator: "Exclaimed Grandpa Dave."

Grandpa Dave: "Whatever is that dirty object?"

Bart: "That's Schemer, didn't you know?"

Grandpa Dave: "It's Schemer's shape,"

Narrator: "Said Grandpa Dave."

Grandpa Dave: "But Schemer is a splendid man, and you never see him dirty."

Narrator: "Schemer pretended he hadn't heard.

Grandpa Dave and Piglet cleared away the unhurt goombas, and helped Schemer home.

Mayor Adam West met them."

Mayor Adam West: "Well done, Bart and Grandpa Dave!"

Narrator: "He turned to Schemer."

Mayor Adam West: "Fancy letting your goombas run away, I am surprised. You're not fit to be seen, you must be cleaned at once!

Grandpa Dave shall have a new coat."

Grandpa Dave: "Please, sir, can Lanolin have one, too?"

Narrator: "Said Grandpa Dave."

Mayor Adam West: "Certainly, Grandpa Dave."

Grandpa Dave: "Oh, thank you, sir. She will be pleased!"

Narrator: "All Schemer could do was watch Grandpa Dave as he ran off happily with the news."

Off the Road

Narrator: "Garfield was resting in a siding."

Garfield: "Sometimes,"

Narrator: "He thought."

Garfield: "It's very tiring to be such a large and splendid cat. One does have to keep up appearances so."

Homer: "Peep, peep, peep, peep! Hello, fat face!"

Narrator: "Whistled Homer."

Garfield: "What cheek!"

Narrator: "Spluttered Garfield."

Garfield: "That Homer is too big for his feet. Fancy speaking to me like that. Me, who has never had an accident."

Bart: "Aren't jammed whistles and pulled muscles accidents?"

Narrator: "Asked Bart innocently."

Garfield: "No, indeed. High spirits, might happen to any TV Character. But to come off the road like Homer did, well I ask you. Is that right? Is it decent?"

Narrator: "Then it was Homer's turned to take the express. Garfield watched him getting ready."

Garfield: "Be careful, Homer. You're not pulling the Flying Kipper now. Mind you keep on the road today."

Narrator: "Homer went off in a huff, and Garfield yawned and went to sleep. But not for long."

Garfield's Driver: "Wake up, Garfield."

Narrator: "Said his driver."

Garfield's Driver: "A special load's coming and we're to take it."

Garfield: "Is it flowers or goombas?"

Garfield's Driver: "Goombas."

Narrator: "Said his driver."

Garfield: "Goombas?"

Narrator: "Said Garfield."

Garfield: "Pah!"

Narrator: "Garfield's body was slow to start. So Edd had to helped Garfield to the turntable to get him facing the right way."

Garfield: "I won't go, I won't go!"

Narrator: "Grumbled Garfield."

Edd: "Don't be silly, don't be silly."

Narrator: "Puffed Edd.

At last, Garfield was on the turntable. The movement had shaken his body. It was now moving nicely.

Garfield was cross and didn't care what he did. He waited till the table was half way around."

Garfield: "I'll show them, I'll show them!"

Narrator: "He hissed.

He moved slowly forward to jam the table, but he couldn't stop himself and slid into a ditch."

Garfield: "Oosh!"

Narrator: "He hissed."

Garfield: "Get me out, get me out!"

Garfield's Driver and Fireman: "Not a hope."

Narrator: "Said his driver and fireman."

Garfield's Driver and Fireman: "You're stuck you silly great cat. Don't you understand that?"

Narrator: "They telephoned Mayor Adam West."

Mayor Adam West: "So Garfield didn't want to take the load and ran into a ditch?

What's that you say? The special's waiting? Tell Edd to take it, please. And Garfield? Oh, leave him where he is. We haven't time to bother with him now."

Narrator: "On the other side of the ditch, some little boys were chattering."

Boys: "Cool! Doesn't he look silly? They'll never get him out."

Narrator: "They began to sing."

Boys: "Silly old Garfield fell in a ditch, fell in a ditch, fell in a ditch! Silly old Garfield fell in a ditch, all on a Monday morning!"

Narrator: "Garfield laid in the ditch all day."

Garfield: "Oh dear!"

Narrator: "He thought."

Garfield: "I shall never get out."

Narrator: "But that evening, they lifted Garfield, and made a roll of sleepers under his feet to keep him from the mud. Strong ropes were fastened to his back end, and Schemer and Homer, pulling hard, managed to bring him to safety.

Late that night, Garfield crawled home, a sadder and wiser cat."

Down the Mine

Narrator: "One day, RS Mr. Conductor was at the junction, when Garfield shuffled in with some goombas."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Phew!"

Narrator: "Remarked RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "What a funny smell.

Can you smell a smell?"

Patty: "I can't smell a smell."

Narrator: "Said Patty."

RS Mr. Conductor: "A funny, musty sort of smell."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

Garfield: "No one noticed it till' you did."

Narrator: "Grunted Garfield."

Garfield: "It must be yours."

Narrator: "Not long ago, he had fallen in a dirty ditch. RS Mr. Conductor enjoyed teasing him about it."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Patty, Selma, do you know what I think it is? It's ditchwater!"

Narrator: "Before Garfield could answer, RS Mr. Conductor puffed away.

Patty and Selma could hardly believe their ears."

Patty and Selma: "He's dreadfully rude, I feel quite ashamed. I feel quite ashamed, he's dreadfully rude."

Narrator: "And to RS Mr. Conductor, they said,"

Patty and Selma: "You mustn't be rude, you make us ashamed."

Narrator: "But RS Mr. Conductor didn't care a bit."

RS Mr. Conductor: "That was funny. That was funny."

Narrator: "He chuckled. He felt very pleased with himself.

Patty and Selma were deeply shocked. They had great respect for Garfield the Cat.

RS Mr. Conductor left the sisters-in-law at the station, and went off to a mine for some goombas.

Long ago, miners digging for lead had made tunnels under the ground. Their rooves are strong enough to hold up goombas, but not the weight of TV Characters. A large notice warns them not to enter the area.

Danger! TV Characters must not pass this board."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Silly old board."

Narrator: "Thought RS Mr. Conductor.

He had often tried to pass it, but had never succeeded, but this morning, he made a plan.

The fireman went to turn the points."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Now for my plan."

Narrator: "Thought RS Mr. Conductor.

Bumping the goombas fiercely, he jerked his driver off the footplate and followed them into the siding."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "Come back!"

Narrator: "Yelled his driver."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Fire and smoke!"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I'm sunk!"

Narrator: "And he was."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Oh, dear."

Narrator: "He said."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I am a silly conductor."

Mayor Adam West: "And a very naughty one, too. I saw you!"

Narrator: "Said Mayor Adam West."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Please get me out, I won't be naughty again!"

Mayor Adam West: "I'm not sure. We can't lift you out with a crane. The ground's not firm enough.

Hmmm. Let me see. I wonder if Garfield could pull you out."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Yes, sir."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor, but he didn't want to meet Garfield just yet."

Garfield: "Down a mine, is he? Ha, ha, ha!"

Narrator: "Laughed Garfield."

Garfield: "What a joke!

All right, little RS Mr. Conductor, we'll have you out in a couple of puffs!"

Narrator: "Strong cables were fastened between the two TV Characters."

Mayor Adam West: "Are you ready?

Heave!"

Narrator: "It was a lot harder than they all thought, but at last, RS Mr. Conductor was free.

RS Mr. Conductor: "I'm sorry I was cheeky."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

Garfield: "That's alright, RS Mr. Conductor. You made me laugh."

Narrator: "Replied Garfield."

Garfield: "I'm in disgrace."

RS Mr. Conductor: "So am I."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

Garfield: "Why so you are, RS Mr. Conductor. Shall we form an alliance? You help me, and I'll help you."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Right you are!"

Narrator: "Agreed RS Mr. Conductor."

Garfield: "Good, that's settled."

Narrator: "Rumbled Garfield.

And hand to hand, the allies puffed home."

RS Mr. Conductor's Christmas Party

Narrator: "It was Christmas in TV Land. All the TV Characters were working hard. RS Mr. Conductor and Grandpa Dave were busy carrying people and parcels up and down the branch paths. Everyone was happy.

Only the sisters, Patty and Selma were complaining."

Patty and Selma: "It's always the same before Christmas."

Narrator: "They groaned."

Patty and Selma: "We feel so full, we feel so full."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Oh, come on!"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Where's your festive spirit? Christmas day is almost here."

Narrator: "By the side of the path was a lonely little cottage with a familiar figure waving to them."

RS Mr. Conductor: "It's Mrs. Twombly!"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Happy Christmas!"

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor always felt better for seeing her."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without Mrs. Twombly."

Narrator: "When work was over, RS Mr. Conductor went to see the other TV characters. All their coats had been cleaned."

Garfield: "Hah!"

Narrator: "Said Garfield."

Garfield: "Just look at us. Your driver will have to work fast to get you as smart as us."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Never mind that."

Narrator: "Replied RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I've something important to say. Do you realize it's been a whole year since Mrs. Twombly saved us from a nasty accident?

You remember when she was ill in bed and,"

Edd: "Yes, of course."

Narrator: "Interrupted Edd."

Edd: "You told us how she waved her red dressing gown out of her window to warn you about a landslide ahead."

Bart: "And you and Grandpa Dave gave her presents."

Narrator: "Bart joined in."

Bart: "And Mayor Adam West sent her to Bournemouth to get better."

Schemer and Homer: "But,"

Narrator: "Said Schemer and Homer together."

Schemer and Homer: "The rest of us have never thanked her properly."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Exactly."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "So now I think we should all give her a special Christmas party."

Narrator: "Everyone was getting very excited and the drivers felt sure that Mayor West would agree, as indeed he did. The TV characters were all busy making plans when silence fell.

Mayor West had bad news."

Mayor Adam West: "The weather's changed badly. Mrs. Twombly is snowed up. Grandpa Dave says he'll help to rescue her. You must help too, RS Mr. Conductor. There's no party unless you do."

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor hated snow, but he said bravely."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I'll try, sir. We must rescue her, we must."

Mayor Adam West: "There's a good conductor. You and Grandpa Dave will manage splendidly."

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor charged the snowdrifts fiercely. Sometimes he swept them aside, sometimes they stuck fast and the men had to loosen them.

But at the cutting near the cottage, they could go no further."

RS Mr. Conductor's Fireman: "Look at that!"

Narrator: "Exclaimed RS Mr. Conductor's fireman."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Here we are!"

Narrator: "Whistled RS Mr. Conductor. An answering wave came from an upstairs window.

Then they heard a familiar sound."

RS Mr. Conductor: "That's Scooby Doo the Dog."

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "He's come to help too."

Narrator: "Sure enough, Scooby Doo was working hard to clear a path to the road and safety.

At long last, the rescue was complete. Bart took the tired workmen home. Scooby Doo said goodbye to Mrs. Twombly and promised to take care of her cottage as he watched them all set off.

The TV characters made good time. No more snow had fallen, but the yard was dark. RS Mr. Conductor's heart sank.

Suddenly, all the lights came on. What a marvelous site awaited Mrs. Twombly."

Mayor Adam West: "Well done!"

Narrator: "Said Mayor West."

Mayor Adam West: "I'm really proud of you all."

Narrator: "Mrs. Twombly especially thanked the smaller TV characters."

Mrs. Twombly: "RS Mr. Conductor and Grandpa Dave are old friends."

Narrator: "She said."

Mrs. Twombly: "And now Bart, you are my friend too."

Narrator: "Bart was very pleased."

Bart: "Three cheers for Mrs. Twombly!"

Narrator: "He called."

Bart: "Hooray, hooray, hooray!"

Narrator: "They all cheered."

TV Characters: "We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!"

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor and his friends thought it was the best Christmas ever, and Mrs. Twombly could think of nowhere she would rather live than here with them in TV Land."

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