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Monkey, or If It Doesn't Have a Tail, It's Not a Monkey, is a Silly Song from The Wonderful Wizard of Ha's

Cast

  • Sheen Estevez (Jimmy Neutron) as Larry the Cucumber
  • Jimmy Neutron as Bob the Tomato

Lyrics

  • Narrator: And now it's time for Silly Songs with Sheen, the part of the show when Sheen comes on & sings a Silly Song. Today Sheen & Jimmy are on a photo safari, tracking the trail of a monkey. Or an ape. We don't know which. Hence the song. (music begins)
  • Sheen: (singing) If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey. Even if it has a monkey-kind-of shape. If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey. If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey. It's an ape! If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey...
  • Jimmy: Let's see if we can catch it on the tape.
  • Sheen: You can very plainly see if it's a monkey. If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey. It's an ape! (Alex the Lion swings in)
  • Jimmy: Look, there it goes! There it goes! I don't know! I couldn't tell if it's a monkey or an ape!
  • Sheen: It's very simple, Jimmy. (singing) If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey. If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey. It's an ape!
  • Jimmy: Uh Sheen, I'm not so sure...
  • Sheen: Ooga booga, isn't that a monkey? (monkey chant)
  • Jimmy: Booga looga, maybe it's an ape. (monkey chant)
  • Sheen: If it's a nickel, or a salad, or a pillow. If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey. It's an ape! (Alex the Lion swings in again)
  • Jimmy: If it doesn't have a tail...?
  • Sheen: Not a monkey!
  • Jimmy: Are you sure it's what you really mean to say? A camera has no tail...
  • Sheen: It's not a monkey! If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey. It's an ape!
  • Jimmy: Uh, I think there's something wrong with your logic, Sheen.
  • Sheen: Well, Jimmy. The lady at the zoo said it, & who am I to tell her that's she's wrong? "If there's a tail, it's a monkey. No tail, ape." It's easy! (Jimmy is confused)
  • Jimmy: But, Sheen! A kite has a tail--
  • Sheen: Then it's a monkey!
  • Jimmy: A comet has a tail--
  • Sheen: It's a monkey!
  • Jimmy: A bubble doesn't--
  • Sheen: Then it's not a monkey! If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey...
  • Jimmy: It's an ape?
  • Sheen: Exactly! I knew you'd catch on!
  • Jimmy: Sheen, we may need to talk about this! I don't think the lady at the zoo meant--
  • Sheen: Shh! (Sheen & Jimmy both duck while Alex the Lion swings in again) Look, there it goes! In the trees! Follow me! It's gotta be a monkey or an ape! (Sheen finds monkey) I can't believe it's true! All this time, I've searched for you! (to Jimmy) Snap the picture! Take the shot! We're among the lucky few! We finally did it, photograph her! (sings photo grapher) We discovered what we're after! Let me look! (looks through binoculars) Is it an ape?!
  • Jimmy: Sheen, this is a disaster (monkey turns out to be cow)
  • Sheen: It's a monkey! (subtitles NOT A MONKEY appears on screen)
  • Jimmy: (clears throat) Sheen, that's a cow. Not a--
  • Sheen: That was exhillerating. Let's find more! (music turns back on) (singing) If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey. Even if it has a monkey-kind-of shape. If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey. If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey. It's an ape!
  • Narrator: This has been Silly Songs with Sheen. Tune in next time to hear Jimmy say...
  • Jimmy: But Sheen, you don't have a tail.
  • Sheen: I don't?
  • Jimmy: Nope, neither do I!
  • Sheen: I wouldn't be so sure about that, Bob.
  • Jimmy: What do you mean?
  • Sheen: Oh, nothing! (Sheen leaves) (tail appears on Jimmy) (jungle animals roar) (Jimmy confusingly looks around & leaves)

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