• Gonzo as Grover
  • Miss Piggy as Prairie Dawn
  • Scooter as Ernie
  • Fozzie Bear as Bert
  • Dr. Bunsen Honeydew as Count von Count
  • Kermit the Frog as Big Bird
  • Animal as Cookie Monster
  • Sweetums as Herry Monster
  • Sam the Eagle as Oscar the Grouch


Kermit the Frog: Why don't we all tell a story together and act it out?

Gonzo: Oh, I like that idea, Kermit!

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Yes! Wonderful! One good idea! Ha ha ha ha!

Gonzo: Now what story should we tell all together? Hmmm...

Kermit the Frog: How about, uh, Jack and the Beanstalk?

Sweetums: That's okay with me.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Are there things to count in this "Jack and the Breadbox"?

Kermit the Frog: Beanstalk, Bunsen, Beanstalk!

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Whatever. Are there things to count?

Scooter: Sure, Bunsen. And you can be the guy who buys the cow. He gets to count.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Wonderful! I love it! Ah, ah, ah!

Animal: Uh, excuse me, there are things to eat in this story?

Miss Piggy: There's a cook in the giant's castle. That could be you, Animal.

Animal: Fair enough.

Sweetums: I wanted to make the noises, especially when the beanstalk comes crashing down. (air noises) Boom! Like that.

Kermit the Frog: And I'll be the giant because I'm so tall.

Scooter: And I'll be Jack because I'm so small. (laughing)

Miss Piggy: I'll be Jack's mother and Gonzo, you can tell the story!

Gonzo: Yes, yes. I will tell the story.

Scooter: Okay, what other parts are there? Oh, I know the cow and the chicken. Fozzie?

Fozzie Bear: What?

Scooter: You can be the cow and the chicken, Fozzie.

Fozzie Bear: Oh yeah, sure. The same as always! Good old Fozzie Bear, I get to be the cow and the chicken.

Scooter: Well, that's because you're so good at it, Fozzie.

Fozzie Bear: Yeah, thanks a lot, Scooter.

Miss Piggy: Okay, who's left? Oh, Sam. He didn't get a part.

Sam the Eagle: Hey, that's okay, Miss Piggy. I don't want a part. Heh.

Scooter: Hey, oh, Sam can be the singing harp.

Sweetums: Yeah, good idea!

Sam the Eagle: The what? Wait a minute. Hold it! Sam the Eagle won't play any singing harp in this fairy tale.

Gonzo: Oh, well, of course you will, Sam. Do not be silly!

Sweetums: Yeah, come on, Sam. We gotta have a harp!

Sam the Eagle: No way!

Miss Piggy: Please, Sam. You could make him a grouchy singing harp.

Sam the Eagle: Oh yeah?

Miss Piggy: Yeah.

Sam the Eagle: Well, uh, okay.

Kermit the Frog: I guess we are all set then. Go ahead, Gonzo! Start the story!

Gonzo: All right! Imagine if you will that we have traveled far, far away to another time and place. A time when magic filled the air and small children did foolish things. A place where giants walked and singing harps were all the range. Now in this time and place, there once lived a boy named Jack.

Scooter: Yeah, that's me.

Gonzo: Who lived with his mother.

Miss Piggy: That's me.

Gonzo: In a small cottage by the side of the road. Now Jack and his mother had a cow.

Fozzie Bear: That's moo. I mean, me.

Gonzo: Whom they loved very much. But one day...

Miss Piggy: Jack, we have no food left in our house and no money to buy more. You'll have to sell our cow that we loved so much.

Scooter: All right, mother. Come along, cow we loved so much. I have to take you to the market to sell you for money to buy food.

Fozzie Bear: Moo.

Gonzo: And so, Jack led the cow along the road to the market. When they got there, they met a man who said..."

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Ah! Wonderful! One cow! Ah ah ah!

Scooter: Would you like to buy her?

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Of course, why not? I will give you three of these magic beans for her. No wait, I will give you six beans. No, make that eleven. No, no, no. Fifty-two beans. Ah, ah, ah!

Scooter: Uh, three is okay, Bunsen.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: No, no, it's not enough. I will give you 109 beans! Ah, ah, ah! Here, one bean, two beans...

Scooter: Bunsen, Bunsen! You'll spoiled the story! Just give me three beans.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Oh, sorry, Scooter. I mean, Jack. There! Three beans.

Scooter: Oh, thank you. Here's your cow. Be nice to her. (sniffs) Bye, cow.

Fozzie Bear: Moo!

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: One moo? Oh, wonderful! Ah ah ah! Say moo again!

Fozzie Bear: Moo!

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Two moos! I love it!

Gonzo: And so, poor Jack returned home with nothing to show for selling the cow except three beans. Jack's mother was very unhappy when he told her.

Miss Piggy: You sold our cow for three beans? Oh, Jack! How can we live on three beans? At least the cow has company. Now we have nothing!

Gonzo: And Jack's mother was so upset she throws the beans out the window.

Miss Piggy: Ooh!

Gonzo: That night, they went to bed without any supper. But the next morning, when they awoke, they saw that the beans has sprouted in a huge beanstalk that grew up through the sky.

Scooter: Mother, I will bravely climb up that beanstalk and see what is at the top.

Gonzo: Said Jack bravely and he kissed his mother goodbye and went to climb the beanstalk. He climbed and climbed...

Scooter: Oh, boy. This is hard work.

Gonzo: And climbed until he was a mile high. And there, at the top of the beanstalk, he saw a big, huge plunderous castle. Jack went up to the big, huge plunderous door and knocked on it.

Sweetums: Knock, knock, knock!

Gonzo: Very good, Sweetums. But there was no answer, so Jack pushed on the door and it swung open with a loud squeak.

Sweetums: (squeaking noise)

Gonzo: And Jack tippy-toed in and he shut the door behind him.

Sweetums: (squeaking noise)

Scooter: Boy, it's dark in here.

Sweetums: Bump!

Gonzo: What was that, Sweetums?

Sweetums: That's Jack bumping into stuff because he can't see in the dark.

Scooter: Ouch! I was bumping into stuff that I couldn't see in the dark.

Gonzo: And being very careful not to bump into anything else in the dark! Jack tiptoed along until he saw a light.

Scooter: Hark.

Gonzo: He went towards it and found himself in a big, huge, plunderous kitchen and what do you think he saw in the kitchen? He saw a table and a chair that were bigger and huger and more plunderous than any other table and chair that he has ever seen. They were as big as his own house. Then, he saw that there was someone else in the kitchen. It was the cook cooking.

Animal: Dum dum dum dum dum.

Scooter: Hi there!

Animal: Sshhhh! Quiet. Me got cake in oven. Making some tuna fish casserole, too. You want some?

Scooter: Sure!

Animal: Okay. Hey, you know that you in castle of nasty, old wicked giant?

Scooter: Oh no! You mean the one who doesn't like little kids?

Animal: Yeah, yeah. That one. So make it a good idea if you go home. Uh, oh. Too late. Here comes giant now!

Sweetums: Clonk clonk clonk!

Animal: Quick! Hide before he find you here.

Sweetums: Clonk clonk clonk!

Gonzo: The heavy footsteps of the giant came closer and closer and the cook hid Jack behind the stove just as the wicked giant walked in and said...

Kermit the Frog: Fe fi fiddly fid. I think I smelled a little kid. Is there someone else here, Animal, I mean, cook?

Animal: Nobody but you and me, giant. You smell, uh, chocolate cake me made for dessert. Yeah, yeah.

Kermit the Frog: Chocolate cake? Don't you have any flies cookies?

Animal: No, remember, you forget to bring your own flies yesterday.

Kermit the Frog: Rats! Well, give me my dinner, anyway.

Gonzo: And the cook give the nasty old giant his dinner and the giant ate it all up. Then he wiped his mouth and said...

Kermit the Frog: Okay, cook, bring me my singing harp and my hen that lays the golden eggs.

Animal: Right away, chief!

Gonzo: And the cook went out and came back with the harp that sang and the cute little hen that laid golden eggs.

Sam the Eagle: Oh, I'm the singing harp tra la, harp tra la, harp tra la. I'm the singing harp...Aw, there's nothing I hate more than singing! Phooey!

Fozzie Bear: I'm the hen who lays eggs of gold, eggs of gold, eggs of gold, I'm the hen who lays eggs of gold...(sighs) (chicken noises)

Gonzo: And the nasty old giant sat and play with his singing harp and his hen that laid golden eggs and he laughed and laughed and laughed...

Kermit the Frog: Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Sam the Eagle: Cha cha cha!

Fozzie Bear: (chicken noises)

Kermit the Frog: Ho ho ho ho!

Gonzo: Et cetera, et cetera! And the harp sang and the little hen laid golden eggs until the giant grew tired and he yawned and yawned and finally fell asleep with his head on the table and began to snore.

(Kermit snoring)

Gonzo: And Jack came out from behind the stove and was going to sneak out and go home when the harp said...

Sam the Eagle: Take me home with you! I can't stand working for this giant guy anymore! Take me home with you and I'll sing for you maybe.

Gonzo: And the hen said...

Fozzie Bear: Uh, me too, yeah. I don't wanna stay here anymore, either. Take me home with you and I'll lay my golden eggs for you.

Animal: Hey, hey, hey. Me come too? Me tired of cooking for giant. He never said "please" or "thank you" or "my goodness, that's delicious". Me cook for you instead, okay?

Scooter: Ookie-dookie.

Gonzo: So Jack picked up the harp and the cook picked up the hen and they ran out of the castle and climbed down, down, down and when they got to the bottom of the beanstalk, Jack got his hatchet and chopped it down so the giant could not come after him.

Sweetums: (crashing noise) Heh, heh. Pretty good, huh, Gonzo? That was the beanstalk falling down.

Gonzo: Uh, yes, Sweetums. That was, uh, wonderful. So, now everything was different for Jack and his mommy. Every day, the hen would lay golden eggs.

Fozzie Bear: (chicken noises)

Gonzo: And Jack would take them to market to buy food for the cook to cook.

Animal: Dum dum dum dum dum. You want spaghetti and meatballs or herring on French toast for dinner?

Gonzo: And while they ate, the singing harp would sing to them.

Sam the Eagle: Tra la tra la tra la tra la, already. Tra la tra la tra la tra la.

Gonzo: Not only that, but one day, Jack had enough golden eggs left over to buy back their old friend, the cow.

Fozzie Bear: Moo!

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: That is 9,200,087 moos! Wonderful! Ah ah!

Gonzo: So now they were all together and they lived happily ever after.

Animal: Oh, here, here. Try marinara sauce on the doughnut. Oh, me hope he likes string beans with peanut butter.

Sam the Eagle: Mary had a creepy lamb, its fleece was cold as blue. And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb would eat her shoe. Heh, heh, heh.

Miss Piggy: Oh, Jack, I'm so happy.

Scooter: Oh, me too, mother dear.

Fozzie Bear: (mooing and chicken noises)

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: That is one happy person? Two happy persons? Oh, I'm so happy. Oh that makes three happy persons. Ah ah ah.

Gonzo: And for we all know, the wicked giant is still sleeping to this very day. The end.

(Kermit snoring)

Gonzo: Uh, okay, Kermit. The story is over. Kermit, you can stop snoring.

Miss Piggy: He's really asleep.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: That is one, one sleepy frog. Ah ah ah.

Scooter: Gee, it must be past his naptime.

Sweetums: Yeah, it's past my naptime, too. But I think I'll run over to Hooper's Store for a glass of milk first. Bye, everyone. I had a nice time!

Animal: Oh, wait, Sweetums. Me come with you.

Sweetums: Oh, okay, Sweetums.

Fozzie Bear: Uh, bye bye, Sweetums.

Miss Piggy: Bye, Animal.

Animal: Oh, bye, Piggy. Bye, Bunsen.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Count you later.

Sam the Eagle: Goodbye!

Scooter: Bye, Sam. Oh, let's go, Fozzie. Hey, bye, Gonzo. Bye, Piggy.

Fozzie Bear: Yeah, yeah. Bye.

Gonzo: Bye bye, everybody. And now, I think it is time for you to take the record off the record player, but do it very quietly so you do not wake up Kermit the Frog, okay? Oh, thank you! Your furry old pal Gonzo is so proud of you!

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