Mustachios
From Scratchpad
The Mustachios are one of the Ship of Fools' nemeses lurking in the greater Lafayette area. Although there has been but one recorded encounter between them and the Fools, the tale is an indelible part of Fool Lore.
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[edit] The Scene
The story begins, like many do, with a post-meeting trip to Steak 'n Shake for food by about ten fools, fans, and friends. The group sat down at tables within clear view of the entrance and ordered, as has been done many times before.
[edit] Enter the Mustachios
At that point, in walk four presumed high-schoolers, which in and of itself is not notable. What is notable, however, is that they were all wearing bowler hats and obviously fake mustaches (including the female) and carrying canes. The group was seated in the other half of the restaurant, but still within view of the Fools.
Needless to say, the Mustachios, as they were soon dubbed, immediately became the topic of conversation among the Fools. The mustachios apparently caught wind of this, as they soon began looking frequently towards the Fools with the stink eye and even hoisting their canes in the Fools' general direction. This, of course, did nothing to abate the Fools' interest in these anachronistic youths.
[edit] A Plot is Hatched
The remainder of the meal passed with no additional incident, aside from the continuing exchanges of stares. Eventually, the time came for the Fools to pay for their food. As they lined up at the register, it was agreed that something must be done about the Mustachios' behavior towards the Fools. After a brief discussion, a consensus was soon reached as to what needed to be done.
[edit] The Rumble Begins
After payment was complete, the Fools slowly approached the Mustachios' booth, one step at a time, slightly hunched over, and snapping in unison. As intended, the combined effect was straight out of West Side Story, with the Fools playing the Jets to the Mustachios' Sharks, or maybe the other way around.
This quickly drew the attention of everyone in the restaurant, as it was unmistakable that Something was going Down. For their part, the Mustachios also recognized what was going on. They arose from their booth and stood in the aisle to face the oncoming Fools, tapping their canes on the floor in time with the snapping of the Fools' fingers.
Surely, as presumably everyone in the restaurant was thinking, how could hilarity not ensue?
[edit] Things Fall Apart
Being improvisationalists, the Fools had not planned what to do once they were face-to-face with the Mustachios, assuming that something awesome would happen naturally. However, the Mustachios inexplicably stopped playing along, instead opted to respond belligerently towards the Fools' attempts at conversation. For example:
- Fool #1: So, what's with the mustachios?
- Mustachio #1: It's called a mustache.
- Fool #2: -io!
- Fool #1: No, seriously, what's with them?
- Mustachio #2: Our penises are larger than yours.
- Girl Mustachio: It's true.
Another timeless exchange:
- Fool #1: So, are you even old enough to vote?
- (fifteen seconds of unbroken silence)
- Mustachio #1: I vote you're gay!
Dismayed at the Mustachios' failure to be witty, interesting, or even moderately sociable, the Fools decided to withdraw, heading towards the exit, West Side Story style.
[edit] Reception
The other diners were far more appreciative of the encounter than the Mustachios had been. As the Fools egressed, one fellow college student remarked, "That was great." One of the waitresses added, "You should have kicked their ass. But thanks for that anyway."
[edit] Denouement
Once outside, the idea was floated to contrive a reason to re-enter the restaurant to reaffirm the Fools' victory in the encounter, in case the Mustachios had interpreted the departure as a retreat. The most prominent proposal involved re-entering while shouting "Quack!" in unison, a la The Mighty Ducks. However, it was generally agreed that a second confrontation would be far inferior to the first one, and after a period of continuing to exchange stink eyes through the windows with the Mustachios, the Fools returned to campus.
