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Chapter I: Battle of the Beasts
Date: Monday, August 27, 2007
Jim Ross: "Hello everybody and welcome to a special SciFi edition of Monday Night RAW! And King, I just don't have the words to describe the event that we all witnessed last night. Well, actually... formulaic and monotonous certainly fit the bill."
King: "Oh, absolutely, JR. John Cena proved once again that he is the most controversial champion in the WWE! I'll tell ya, I really thought Orton was gonna take the championship away from Cena, but the Champ's toughness and durability once again allowed him to overcome the odds."
John Cena's music hits; the majority of the crowd boos
King: "The Champ is here, JR!"
Cena emerges from backstage, flailing his arms around like an inebriated simian. He enters the ring and procures a microphone. Standing idly like a disgustedly over-trodden thorn in the side of all true wrestling fans, he attempts to build 'suspense' by not saying a word for several moments. Just then...
Cena: "The Champ... is... here."
The female fans and prepubescent boys cheer, while everybody else vomits in repulsion.
Cena: "Last night, I was given the beating of a lifetime. Some might say that my opponent truly is the Legend Killer, and that since my title reign has reached legendary status, it was his destiny to dethrone me as the WWE Champion. Well, Mr. Legend Killer, Mr. RKO, Mr. Wedgy-Pants, I am not just any WWE Champion. I am JOHN CENA. And I'll say it again. The CHAMP... IS... HERE!"
Orton's music hits to the delight of many fans
Orton: "You know what, Cena? You make me sick! I know what you're thinkin'. You overcame the odds yet again and defeated the Legend Killer. Well ya know something? That doesn't change the fact that my destiny will be realized. I WILL beat you for that title, and I WILL become the NEW WWE Champion! And there's not a damn thing you can do about it! Your win last night was a fluke! A mistake! A travesty!"
Cena: "Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah! Somebody better call the WAMbulance, because Mr. Whitey is having a fit. So you say you can beat me for this title?"
Orton: "Anytime, anywhere."
Cena: "Well that's convenient, because I kinda feel like fighting right about now. So if you got the balls, let's stop talkin' and start fightin'!"
Orton is seething with rage, heading towards the ring. Just before he and Cena can duke it out, General Manager William Regal makes his way out onto the stage.
Regal: "Hold on just a minute! Now it appears that you two gentleman are rather frisky-at-the-buttons. I have just spoken with Mr. McMahon, and he has agreed with me that it would be a bad business decision for the two of you to compete in a match against each other tonight. So, this is what we are going to do. Look at me. Cena, Auhrton, the two of you will pick a representative to compete for you tonight. If Auhrton's representative wins the match, you Cena will have to defend your title next week right here on RAW!"
JR: "Oh my! Could the stakes get any higher, King?"
King: "Let me get this straight--"
As the King struggles with this revolutionary suggestion by Regal, Orton gives a sinister smile to Cena, who smirks in return
King: "Ah, OK. I get it now. So Cena and Orton will choose someone to represent them in a match tonight, and if Orton's man wins, Orton gets a title shot next week?"
JR: "That about sums it up, King."
King: "Oh-ho, man!
Later on in the night...
Orton is backstage in his locker room, speaking to unknown superstar.
Orton: "Are we in agreement? OK, just remember the plan. I'll pay you plenty for this, just do it for me, alright?
JR: "What does he mean, 'I'll pay you plenty'? What is the conniving Orton planning to do tonight?"
King: "I don't know, JR, but-- puppies!"
JR: "Good god, King, will you forget about puppies already?!"
King: "What are you talking about JR?"
JR: "Well, if there was a back door to the Alamo, you'd be anally exposing every Latina in Texas!"
The main event is up next. Who will be Cena's representative, and who has Orton apparently hired for business? Stay tuned!
Welcome back to this special edition of Monday Night RAW. The main event is coming up, and the world is braced to see which superstars Orton and Cena have chosen to represent them.
Regal: "Ladies and gentleman, it is now time for the main event. Introducing first, he is the Legend Killer, he is Randy... Auhrton! Now Randy, if you wouldn't mind, please inform us all who your representative is."
Orton: "Hey, Champ! I don't care who your representative is, because mine will stop at nothing to destroy yours! I give to you, the sadistic, the vile, the unstoppable.. SNITSKY!"
Snitsky's music hits to a null reaction. The phallic monster strolls to the ring as if he has some type of rustic wedge shoved into his rectal cavity.
Regal: "And now introducing the WWE Champion... John Cena!"
Cena makes his way to ringside and grabs a microphone.
Cena: "Snitsky, eh? Well, there is more than one superstar some claim to be unstoppable here on RAW, Randy. Regal, if you wouldn't mind doing the honors..."
Regal: "Oh, certainly. Introducing Cena's representative... he is the reigning Intercontinental Champion... the Samoan Bulldozer... UMANGA!"
As Umaga makes his way to the ring, he looks around in admiration for the pretty lights. He enters the ring and the two monsters have a staredown.
With the match about to start and RAW's two resident monsters about to collide, what will happen?! Will Orton or Cena play a part in the outcome? Will Snitsky ever manage to get over with the fans? Stay tuned!
Umaga and Snitsky are standing toe-to-toe in the middle of the ring. Just as the match is about to start, Mr. McMahon's music hits.
Mr. McMahon: "Hold on just a damn minute! It seems that Mr. Regal failed to explicate a certain caveat of this match-up. Now Cena, last week on RAW you slapped me across the face. You may think that I have forgotten about that, but I have a very long memory. So tonight, John Cena, you are banned from ringside. Oh, and Randy, you can participate in this match at any time if you'd like. Now then, ring the bell."
JR: "What the Hell?! That isn't fair at all! As God as my witness, he is broken in half!"
King: "Wrong punchline, Ross."
JR: "Aw, shut up."
Cena reluctantly heads back to the locker room. Snitsky continues staring down Umaga as Randy enters the ring. He attempts to blindside Umaga from behind, only for Umaga to floor him with a Clothesline. Snitsky attacks Umaga from behind with a stiff forearm to the small of the back. It barely phases the 350-lb. Samoan Bulldozer, who attempts to Irish Whip Snitsky into the corner. Snitsky reverses it and connects with a clothesline. Umaga quickly recovers and nails Snitsky with a Headbutt, dazing the masochistic freak.
JR: "This Snitsky is one nasty, vile, corrupt individual."
King: "Reminds me of my ex-wife."
Randy re-enters the ring and jumps on Umaga's back, locking on a Sleeper Hold. Umaga flips Orton off, but is floored by a Big Boot from Snitsky, who goes for the cover and gets a 2-count. Umaga is back to his feet and Body Slams the massive Snitsky before connecting with a Body Splash. He goes to the second turnbuckle and connects with a Diving Headbutt. He goes for the pin. Snitsky kicks out at 2.
JR: "This match-up is bowling shoe ugly, King."
King: "Of course, JR. You've got these two behemoths, one of which looks like he got crapped on by a mongoose and another who resembles the one-eyed monster in my pants!"
Snitsky recovers but is met with a kick to the jaw that sends him into the bottom turnbuckle. Umaga connects with the running Butt Smash and signals for the Samoan Spike. Orton is back up and he surprises Umaga with an RKO. He grabs a chair and connects with several stiff shots. Snitsky recovers and picks Umaga up and somehow manages to plant him with the Pump-Handle Slam. 1-2-3.
Lillian: "The winner of this match... Snitsky! Now, due to Snitsky's victory, Randy Orton will get a WWE Championship opportunity next week here on RAW!"
Snitsky and Orton celebrate in the ring as Cena comes rushing out. He attacks both men but eventually gets double-teamed. Orton hits the RKO and Snitsky connects with the Pump Handle Slam onto the steel chair.
JR: "Good grief can you believe that?! How will John Cena manage to recover from this in time for his title match with Orton next week?!"
King: "Well... he did recover from two straight RKOs the night before SummerSlam..."
JR: "But this time the odds are insurmountable!"
Join us next time when Orton and Cena do battle once again. Will the tedious Champ continue his reign of terror, or will the Legend Killer finally kill the pseudo-legend?
Chapter II: Revelation
Date: Monday, September 3, 2007
Last week here on Monday Night RAW, Randy Orton's representative, the depraved Snitsky, was victorious in a brutal bout against Umaga. Due to the victory, Orton has earned a title opportunity right here tonight! How will things pan out?
Cena's music opens the show, as it has for the past few myriads of RAWs
Cena: "Last week, several things happened. Now I'm not one to complain, or moan, or *****, but these things have really pissed me off."
Cena attempts to display an angry face. Unfortunately, his countenances resembles painful diarrhea, and much of the audience laughs at him.
Cena: "First, Mr. I'm-mean-and-I-kill-legends-so-I-deserve-to-be-the-champion, came out here and said he could beat me anytime and any place. Well, unless my memory is failing, Summerslam was a time and it was place... but Randy did not win that match."
The crowd is mixed, with some people booing, others cheering
Cena: "So then I gave Randy the opportunity to get in this ring with me. I figured he would. I mean, it's pretty obvious that Randy likes putting his hands on sweaty, muscular men. But then--"
Orton's music hits and the crowd erupts, again with ambivalence
Orton: "You know what, Cena? You can make all the jokes you want. You can make laugh at me, you can act like your not scared, but the fact of the matter is that tonight I am going to TAKE your WWE Championship from your waist once and for all!"
Cena: "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Poopy-Face, Randy Orton! Now Randy, I would just like to know why you are such an angry individual. Did your dad beat you when you were a kid? Maybe you never had a girlfriend, or maybe you just never grew a set!"
Orton: "That's it! SHUT UP! I'm sick and tired of your jokes. Well, why don't you laugh at this? I just came from Mr. McMahon's office, and he has agreed to make our title match tonight a No Disqualification match. How do you like that, huh? LAUGH NOW!"
Cena is visibly upset, and a smiling Orton makes his way back to the locker room
Jim Ross: "My God, King, a No Disqualification match? What has John Cena done to deserve this? I am telling you right now, I don't know if even the mighty John Cena can overcome the odds of the Legend Killer tonight!"
King: "I don't know, JR. I mean, we always say Cena will never survive, but somehow he always does. He's like an uncrushable cockroach. Do you really think Orton will win tonight?"
JR: "You don't think Cena's in trouble?"
King: "Well, I guess so, but... hey, Puppies!"
JR: "King, for the love of GOD, I don't understand your fixation with mammary glands!"
JR: "If you like breasts so much go over to ECW and suckle on Big Daddy V's massive knockers!"
With the groundbreaking revelation that Orton VS Cena tonight will be a No DQ match, what can be expected? Will Cena manage to overcome the odds yet again, or will Orton finally manage to topple the sickening champion?
JR: "Welcome back from commercial break, ladies and gentlemen. If you are just joining us, well, you'll be as surprised as we just were!"
King: "That's right, JR. Apprently Mr. McMahon has made the WWE Championship match tonight unsanctioned! And we all know how dangerous Orton can be with weapons. Remember a few weeks ago when he RKO'd Cena onto a steel chair?"
JR: "How could I not? That was one of the most vicious displays of violence that I have ever seen in my twenty-five years of doing play-by-play. But John Cena fought through the adversity, the pain, the misery and the odds. Many people thought Orton was going to take the championship away from Cena, that it was his DESTINY, but Cena is the most fighting champion I think we may have ever had!"
King: "Well, coming up JR is a bra & panties match! Whoo-hoo!"
Tony Chimel: "Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a bra & panties match! Now in this match-up, the first person to strip her opponent down to her bra and panties is declared the winner!"
The match is between Beth Phoenix and Candice Michelle. The former wins the match, stripping Candice down to her underwear.
King: "Oh my God, JR. I've seen more cotton in the top of an aspirin bottle! If she had any more skin showing she'd be kicked out of a nude beach for being under-dressed! Her panties may not be the best thing in life, but they're right next to it!"
JR: "SHUT UP!!"
Later in the night...
Tony Chimel: "Ladies and gentleman, the following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the WWE Championship! Introducing first, weighing in at 245 pounds, he is the Legend Killer, Randy... Orton! And his opponent, weighing in at 240 pounds, he is the reigning WWE Champion, and the current scrotum licker of Mr. McMahon, John... Cena!"
The match is about to start when Mr. McMahon's music hits
Mr. McMahon: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't even think about ringing the bell yet. Now earlier tonight Randy Orton informed all of you that this match will take place under no disqualification rules. However, there is somewhat of a proviso, a stipulation, that Randy failed to mention."
JR: "A stipulation?"
Mr. McMahon: "You see, this match is No DQ for Randy, but if John Cena uses any weapons whatsoever, he will not only lose this match, he will be stripped of the WWE Championship! Now, ring the bell."
JR: "That isn't fair at all!"
Fifteen minutes later...
King: "This is one Hell of a war we're witnessing here, JR. Cena's been struck with a steel chair, the ring bell and even a monitor but he keeps on coming! How in the world is he doing this?!"
JR: "Toughness, King. Pure toughness. You can't coach that. Oh, GOD! Orton just gave Cena a Piledriver onto the steel steps! That's gotta be it! 1... 2... he has it! No! Cena kicked out! GOOD LORD!"
A battered and bloodied Cena somehow manages to lift Orton up for an F-U. Orton counters and goes for an RKO. Cena counters and inadvertently shoves Orton into the ropes. He connects with a Drop Toe Hold and locks on the STF-U. Eventually Orton manages to get to the bottom rope, but he is severely weakened. Out of nowhere Orton connects with the RKO, but he is too fatigued to capitalize. He crawls outside and brings the steel steps into the ring. He sits them down and prepares to connect with an RKO onto them, but Cena counters into an F-U onto the steps! 1... 2... 3!
JR: "Good God Almighty can you believe it?! John Cena has overcome the odds and defeated the Legend Killer for the second time! The Champ is indeed here!"
As Cena celebrates in the ring to the chagrin of post-adolescent males, Snitsky hits the ring and begins to demolish the Champ. He finishes it off with a Pump Handle Slam onto the steel steps, and signals that he wants the title.
JR: "Oh my God, King. It seems this psychotic FREAK Snitsky wants the gold! Is this monstrous human being going to be the downfall of the WWE Champion?!"
The show miraculously ends with Snitsky's music playing instead of Cena's. The camera pans the crowd to show a young African-American boy wearing glasses and a very shocked expression, an overweight teenage girl weeping in sorrow, and a few real men who are extremely pleased at the outcome of the night.
The show appears to be ready to go off the air, but the cameras cut to Vince's dressing room, where he is speaking with Jonathan Coachman.
Mr. McMahon: "Coach, are you certain about this?"
Coach: "Sir, I am absolutely positive that I am right about this."
Mr. McMahon: "So you're telling me that my son is..."
Coach: "Sir, your son... is Snitsky."
Mr. McMahon: "Damn that wretched crone! How could my son resemble a dick so much! I mean, am I a dick?!"
Coach: "Well, actually, sir..."
Mr. McMahon: "SHUT UP!"
Coach: "I'm sorry, sir. But what are we going to do?"
Mr. McMahon: "Well, we have to make sure that Snitsky is... my son. I want absolute confirmation by next week. But I can tell you this much, Coach... if Snitsky really is the fruit of my ever-powerful loins, we are sure to have a new WWE Champion come next week. I guarantee it."
With this shocking announcement, it seems as though Vince will do anything to get the gold around the waist of his supposedly illegitimate child, Snitsky. With the 6'6" monster nipping at his heels and the chairman of the WWE despising him, is John Cena's demise imminent? And what will Randy Orton have to say about his recent squash? Join us for the next issue of Monday Night RAW!
Chapter III: The Gauntlet
Date: Monday, September 10, 2007
JR: "Good evening, ladies and gentleman! And welcome to the last edition of Monday Night RAW before Unforgiven! With the groundbreaking news that Snitsky may in fact be Mr. McMahon's illegitimate child, the sky seems to have darkened for the Champ, John Cena."
King: "I can't believe that wretched monster Snitsky could be the offspring of Mr. McMahon. Well, actually, I suppose I cou--"
JR: "It may not be a very good idea to finish that sentence, King."
King: "Yeah, I suppose you're right. Ahem, Snitsky is a valiant warrior with immense physical power, so it's no surprise to me that Mr. McMahon could have sired him."
Mr. McMahon's music hits, and the self-proclaimed Genetic Jackhammer power-walks to the ring, as if there was a pineapple wedged between his butt cheeks. He grabs a microphone and the crowd begins to chant, "Who's your daddy?"
Mr. McMahon: "If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to get something off my chest."
The crowd continues chanting
Mr. McMahon: "SHUT UP!"
The crowd boos
Mr. McMahon: "Now then, last week the Coach informed me who my illegitimate son may very well be. Now, at first I had a hard time grasping this concept. But after some deliberation, I like it. I like it. Mr. McMahon: the father of the undefeated, unstoppable Snitsky. Yeeahhh... it has an essence about it, that--"
John Cena's music hits, and the crowd erupts (partially)
Mr. McMahon: "What the Hell are you doin' here?! This doesn't concern you one damn bit!"
Cena: "Easy there, Big Daddy V. I just came out here to get a close look at ya. I mean, I can't see the resemblance at all between you and Snitsky. I mean, let's face it: Snitsky's butt-ass ugly. He's got revolting yellow teeth. He loves inflicting pain on others. Well, actually... I guess I can see a resemblance between you two."
Mr. McMahon: "You think you're funny, don't you? Huh?!"
Cena: "No, I don't think I'm funny. I think I'm pretty pissed off."
Again, Cena attempts to make an angry face. Unfortunately, it looks as though his cheeks suffered through Bells palsy while his upper face had a face lift, resulting in a comically frightening >:|
Cena: "You see, last week right here on RAW, I beat Randy Orton and retained my WWE Championship. But then that monster Snitsky took it upon himself to beat a weakened John Cena. And now we find out that he's your son. So, this is what I'm asking you. No, I'm TELLING you: I want Snitsky... tonight."
The crowd cheers; half for the hope that Cena will defeat Snitsky, the other half for the hope that Snitsky will crush Cena.
Mr. McMahon: "You want Snitsky?! Huh? You want the MONSTER?! Well the answer is... the answer is no."
Mr. McMahon: "You see Cena you made the biggest mistake of your life when you slapped me across the face. And for that I'm gonna make sure your life is a living HELL. Which means that in less than a week, at Unforgiven, you will put your WWE Championship on the line against Randy Orton, and... Snitsky!"
Cena: "Did you hear that, ladies and gentlemen? John Cena is placed in another Triple Threat for the WWE Title. Well you know what, Vince? It doesn't matter. Because the CHAMP... IS... HEYAAAAAR!
Mr. McMahon: "He won't be here come next week. Because your match at Unforgiven is not going to be a Triple Threat match. Oh, no. It's a handicap match."
JR: "Oh, my sweet Lord. There is no fathomable way John Cena can withstand the onslaught of both Snitsky and the Legend Killer."
King: "I... I can't believe this, JR..."
With this crushing news, will Cena have a mental breakdown?! And what of tonight? What does Mr. McMahon have in store for his nemesis? Stay tuned!
After delivering the groundbreaking announcement that John Cena will take on both Randy Orton and Snitsky in a handicap match at Unforgiven, Mr. McMahon continues to attempt to make Cena's life a living Hell.
Mr. McMahon: "Now as for tonight, Cena. Tonight you are going to be in action. But don't worry, it won't be a handicap match. No, I think you deserve something more special than that. Let's have a Gauntlet Match tonight! Yeah, I like the sound of that. You'll be taking on the most useless wrestlers in the WWE, so as to make it seem as though the odds are stacked against you, but in reality you are only defeating the dregs of the roster. First you'll face Daivari; he should definitely put up a challenge. Then it will be Trevor Murdoch, followed by Rory McAllister, and finally... Charlie Haas."
JR: "Oh god. There is no way Cena can overcome the odds of such a formidable quartet! The Champ is in trouble here tonight, King!"
Cena: "That's fine. You can throw all you want at John Cena. Handicap matches, Gauntlet matches, Mr. McMahon's-soiled-diaper-on-a-pole matches, it doesn't matter! Because the result will always be the same. The Champ... will STILL... be... HERE!"
Approximately one hour later
Mr. McMahon is in his office with the four superstars set to take on Cena tonight in the Gauntlet match.
Mr. McMahon: "Now, remember the plan. Stop at NOTHING to take out Cena tonight. I've made the match No Disqualification, so I expect nothing but brutality. I want to see a bloodied Cena laid out tonight. And it better happen, because if not, you'll all be FIRED. Do you understand me?"
Murdoch: "Mr. McMahon, I'll personally ride my cousin like a donkey if Cena isn't taken out tonight."
Daivari: "Ashola kaliput alam!"
Haas: "I'll give you a kiss if we don't take out Cena tonight."
Rory: "Oy, me haggas!"
Mr. McMahon: O_o
Snitsky enters the office, resembling a greased-up <fill in the rest>
Snitsky: "You'd all better take care of Cena tonight. And you know why? Because I will inflict even more punishment on John Cena at Unforgiven. I will force him to suffer through unimaginable anguish. The kind of pain that Hell can only dream of inflicting. Because my opponent's pain... is my pleasure. Remember Taboo Toosday?"
Snitsky: "Never mind..."
It seems as though Cena has his work cut out for him here tonight. With four men gunning for his flesh, is there any feasible way for Cena to survive?!
The time is 10:40 PM, and the world is bracing for an incredible encounter between Cena and four deadly athletes. Cena is in his locker room when an unexpected visitor barges in.
Cena: "What the Hell do you want?"
Orton: "Easy, Champ. I just wanted to let you know that there are no hard feelings. Last week, you beat me. I'm not gonna cry or complain. I lost. As a matter of fact, I just wanted to wish you luck in your match tonight."
Cena: "You expect me to believe you?"
Orton: "I have nothing to hide, Cena. I just want to wish you luck."
Orton extends his hand. Cena glares at it, hesitatingly. After a few moments, he accepts the handshake. He exits his locker room, heading to the ring.
Orton: "...You're gonna need it."
Meanwhile... back in Mr. McMahon's office
Coach (out of breath): "Sir! Sir I've got it!"
Mr. McMahon: "What the Hell do you think you're doin' barging in here like this?! And what do you mean, 'I've got it'?"
Coach: "Sir, this is the proof you asked for about your illegitimate son."
Mr. McMahon: "That's the paperwork you promised to retrieve?"
Coach: "Yes, sir."
Mr. McMahon: "Well then give it to me, damnit."
Coach hands Mr. McMahon the paperwork. Mr. McMahon peruses its contents, and then a bewildered look appears on his face.
Mr. McMahon: "Coach... this document doesn't say that Snitsky's my son."
Coach: "I know it doesn't, sir. There was a DNA mis-match. As it turns out, this is your son..."
An individual enters the room, but out of the camera's field of vision. Mr. McMahon smiles.
Mr. McMahon: "So... you're my son, eh? Well, I've got some plans for you tonight..."
The camera fades to commercial
Who is Mr. McMahon's son, and what are the plans Mr. McMahon has for him? The Gauntlet match is up next. Will Cena be torn apart, or will he manage to endure the punishment of four relentless superstars?!
JR: "We are back live at Monday Night RAW, and the Champ is getting ready to face his gravest challenge yet: a four-man Gauntlet match!"
Cena is in the ring, preparing for his first opponent. Just then, Mr. McMahon's music hits
Mr. McMahon: "Now, now, Cena. You didn't really think you'd only have to compete in a boring old gauntlet match, did you? I must have forgotten to mention that this match is no holds barred, anything goes. Oh... and one more thing. You're not facing your four opponents one at a time. You're facing them all... right now!"
Daivari, Trevor Murdoch, Rory McAllister and Charlie Haas all make their way to the ring. Each man guards a corner of the ring. All four enter and begin pummeling Cena. It appears as though his time has come. Charlie Haas connects with an Exploder Suplex, and all four men taunt the crowd. As their backs are turned, Cena recovers and goes on a Clothesline frenzy, knocking Daivari and Trevor Murdoch out of the ring. He delivers a Spin-Out Powerbomb to Rory McAllister and a Flipping Neckbreaker to Charlie Haas. He goes for the pin on Haas but he kicks out.
JR: "This is absolutely inhuman, King! Four men on one, that is just ridiculous!"
King: "I know, but somehow Cena is managing to hold his own! How in the world does he do this?!"
Cena locks on the STF-U on Rory McAllister. Just as he is about to tap, Daivari and Murdoch re-enter the ring and break it up. They all continue to beat down the Champ. Daivari connects with a Moonsault and goes for the cover. Cena manages to kick out but continues to get demolished. Out of nowhere, he gets a rush of adrenaline, knocking everyone out of the ring but Haas. He connects with an F-U but is too fatigued to go for the cover.
JR: "Hey, wait a minute! What the Hell is Randy Orton doing out here! What happened to his reconciliation with Cena?!"
Orton enters the ring and attempts an RKO on Cena. Cena counters and pushes Orton into the ropes. He goes for an F-U but is floored by a Big Boot from Snitsky, who has also entered the ring.
JR: "Good God Almighty, King! There are six men in the ring now, and all of them are attacking the Champ! This is just sick!"
Miraculously, Cena continues to mount an offense. He delivers a flying shoulder block to Daivari, knocking him out of the ring. He F-Us Rory McAllister and Murdoch over the top rope, and delivers a Clothesline to Haas, knocking him to the outside. Orton and Snitsky attempt a double-team, but Cena floors them both with a double Clothesline.
King: "I believe, JR! I believe!"
Just then, Mr. McMahon re-emerges from backstage, waving his arms, as if beckoning someone to come out.
JR: "Who is Mr. McMahon waving to, King?"
King: "I have no idea, but Cena can't take much more of this!"
Mr. Kennedy's music hits and the crowd erupts. Kennedy heads to the ring, with a determined look on his face.
Mr. McMahon: "Go get him, son!"
JR: "'Son'? No... you don't think... is Mr. Kennedy the son of the chairman?!"
King: "Oh my God, JR!"
Mr. Kennedy hits the ring and pummels Cena. He connects with a Green Bay Plunge, followed by an RKO from Orton and a Pump Handle Slam from Snitsky. Haas crawls back into the ring and covers Cena. 1... 2... 3!
Mr. McMahon: "Hey, Cena! I hope you're conscious enough to hear this. At Unforgiven, you're still going to defend your WWE Title in a handicap match, but it's not going to be 2-on-1. It's going to be THREE-on-one. You, John Cena, will have to defend your title against the Legend Killer Randy Orton, the monster Snitsky, and my son, Mr. Kennedy!"
JR: "In all the years of broadcasting, I have never seen anything like this in my life! I'll tell ya what folks, it will take a modern-day miracle for Cena to retain his title come Unforgiven. What will happen?! Cena's life hangs in the balance... SUNDAAAAAAAY!"
Join us next time, where we will be hailing live from Unforgiven!
Chapter IV: Unforgiven
Date: Sunday, September 16, 2007
JR: "Good evening everyone, I'm Jim Ross, alongside Jerry 'The King' Lawler, and boy do we have a spectacular night in store!"
King: "Oh, definitely, JR. The Champ John Cena will have to defend his WWE Title against Snitsky, Orton AND Mr. Kennedy! There's no way he can survive, is there?!"
JR: "I don't have any earthly idea, King. But if there's any man in the WWE who can overcome adversity, who can completely bury credible superstars, it's the champ."
William Regal's music hits, and the General Manager of RAW makes his way to the ring. The crowd boos.
Regal: "Be quiet you toe racks! I'll make you feel like you've been hacked up with a bloody hatchet!"
Regal: "Now then, Mr. McMahon has requested that I inform you all of the rules for tonight's main event. As you all know, it is a 3-on-1 handicap match: John Cener VS Snitsky, Randy Auhrton and Mr. Kennedy. However, the match will be No Disqualification, and all three of Cena's opponents will be in the ring at the same time."
JR: "You have got to be kidding me!"
Regal: "In addition to that, I'd like to take this opportunity to announce the birth of a brand new Regal-inspired game show, entitled WWE's Free For All. Later on tonight, three contestants will attempt to answer very difficult questions. The first person to answer three questions correctly will be the victor!"
Hornswaggle appears from under the ring. He runs up to Regal and begins humping his leg.
Regal: "What in the BLOODY Hell is this?! Get off of me, ya Heathen!"
Regal beats Hornswaggle away; the leprechaun runs back under the ring
Regal: "Bugger off, you!"
Two hours later...
William Regal is in the ring, preparing for the WWE Free For All game show.
Regal: "Now, introducing the first contestant. He is a man of few words... Ron... Simmons! The next contestant. He hails from Italy and defeated Umaga in his debut match... Santino... Marella! And finally, he is a drunken sot who originated, not surprisingly, in ECW. He is... the Sandman!"
Regal explains the rules to the audience. He will ask a question. If a contestant believes they know the answer, they are to buzz in and respond. The first person to answer three questions correctly wins the game.
Regal: "Here's the first question: In my native England, what is the proper way of addressing a lady?"
Santino: "Hey, come-a here, you whore!"
Regal: "What in the bloody hell is wrong with you, ya miserable specimen?! That's totally incorrect!"
Sandman: "Get me a beer, wench!"
Regal: "How depraved! England is much more refined than this... beer-guzzling swine!"
Regal: "Finally! That is correct, Mr. Simmons. Now, here is the second question: What is the correct term for a computer's ready-available information?"
Sandman: "Get me a beer, Ms. DOS!"
Regal: "For the sake of the Queen, shut up ya bloody fool!"
Santino: "Hey-a, is it a KByte?"
Regal: "Good guess, Santino. But that's not correct."
Santino: "Hey, you know Maria likes to KByte me... a ha ha!"
Regal: "That's pleasant.."
Regal: "That is correct, Ron. One more correct answer and you win the game! The third question is: In the popular television show Jackass, who is the most famous skateboarder?"
Santino: "In-a my country of Italee, skateboarding is not allowed. That is such a stoopid hobbay..."
Sandman: "Get me a beer, Party Boy!"
Regal: "If you ask for ONE MORE BEER--"
Regal: "Correct! Ron Simmons is the winner! As a result of your victory, Ron, you get to take Maria out on another date. This time, however, in a private hotel room."
Santino: "What-a the hell is that?! Maria is my woman. Not this filthy has-been!"
Ron delivers a Dominator to Santino
What will happen next?!
We are back live at Unforgiven, and the main event is up next!
JR: "Well, King. It's time. The final horn has blown for The Champ tonight."
King: "The final horn? What does that mean?"
JR: "I'll explain it to ya later."
Cena's music hits and the everlastingly aggravating champion makes his way to the ring like an intoxicated orangutan. In the audience a fan holds a sign saying, "If Cena Wins We Riot... Actually, We'll All Just Sit On Our Asses."
Cena: "I just want to say one thing. The odds are stacked against me tonight. I have the Legend Killer, Randy Orton, the pain-loving freak, Snitsky, and Mr. McMahon's son, Mr. Kennedy to contend with. I can't promise you all that I'll be leaving here as the champ, but I can tell you this: I am not going down without a fight."
With those ominous words, Mr. Kennedy is the first to appear, followed by Orton and then Snitsky. The treacherous trio encircle the ring, preparing to get their hands on the apparently indomitable champion.
JR: "I almost can't bring myself to watch this, King. This is just deranged. This is DERANGED. That sick son of a bitch McMahon is trying to end this kid's career! Damn him to HELL!"
King: "Calm down, JR!" O_o
Twenty-five minutes later...
Cena is laid out, along with Mr. Kennedy, Orton and Snitsky. The crowd is buzzing at the amazement that Cena has survived this long.
JR: "John Cena is giving us everything that he has. He's giving us all of his SOUL... here tonight! My god, this has been the most ungodly match, that I think we will perhaps ever see..."
Orton is recovering, and he grabs a steel chair. Mr. Kennedy recovers and grabs a chair as well. As both men are about to destroy Cena, Snitsky takes them both down with a Double Clothesline! The crowd is ecstatic and Cena can't believe it.
JR: "My god does Snitsky actually have a conscience?! He has just helped the champion!
Snitsky grabs a microphone
Snitsky: "I know what you're thinking. Why would you help Cena, Snitsky? The fact is... I'm not helping Cena. Why inflict pain on one person..."
Snitsky drops the mic and plants Cena with a Pump Handle Slam.
Snitsky: "...when you can punish three?"
Snitsky plants Orton and Mr. Kennedy with Pump Handle Slams. He heads backstage and all three men left in the ring are down and out. The referee begins the count. Cena is back up to his feet, and he goes to work on Orton and Kennedy. Two F-Us later, his hand is raised in victory.
JR: "Good God Almighty, I can't believe this! Cena has survived yet again! The sense of urgency was overwhelming! I thought Cena would lose. But the champ is still here!"
Cena has miraculously survived, but there is sure to be Hell to pay come tomorrow night on Monday Night RAW. What will Mr. McMahon have in store for Cena? Stay tuned to find out!
Chapter V: Punishment
Date: Monday, September 17, 2007
Last night at Unforgiven the insultingly resilient champion was given the beating of his life, in a 3-on-1 handicap match. But as has been the case for the past umpteen months, Cena walked away victorious and is still the reigning WWE Champion. How will things pan out on this historic evening? Let's find out...
JR: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and boy was it a ruckus event last night at Unforgiven! I don't think a single person on the globe thought Cena could survive the odds, but he proved everybody wrong. I swear to God, King. If John Cena ever loses his title, it will take one hell of a miraculous effort by the entire roster, and probably a screw-job thrown in here and there."
King: "Without a doubt, JR. There is no feasible way for this man to lose! I'm tellin' ya, the guy is a Terminator incarnate! Look at the people who have fallen to the champ: he's ended the undefeated streak of Umaga, he defeated HBK at WrestleMania by making him tap, he was the first person ever to pin the Great Khali AND make him submit, he's defeated Lashley, the Legend Killer, Randy Orton, Snitsky, Mr. Kennedy, and the list goes on and on. The only thing he HASN'T done is end Undertaker's WrestleMania streak!"
JR (under his breath): "You weren't supposed to mention that, King."
King (whispering): "Oh, right. I forgot."
King (louder): "I meant to say Edge's WrestleMania streak!"
John Cena's music hits and a fan in the front row convulses uncontrollably with glee. Another regurgitates his entire dinner in disgust.
Cena (emphatically yet infinitely annoying): "The Champ... IS.. HERE!"
Much of the crowd is booing, moreso than normal. It appears the only people still rooting for Cena are the 300+ lb. gothic chicks. Even the little boys are laughing at their one-time hero.
Cena: "Last night... I was given the beating of my life. Now, I know I say that after every Pay-Per-View, but this time I really mean it. I was taken to school. I got my ass WHOOPED. But after all the blood, sweat and punishment... here I am. I survived yet again! And Mr. McMahon can throw all he wants at me, because it doesn't change the fact that I will continue to give every bit of energy I have into every match. And I will ALWAYS walk away... the WWE CHAMPION!"
Randy Orton's music hits
Orton: "Everybody celebrate! The champ has experienced another miracle! But this time Cena, you weren't helped out by God. You were helped out by someone a little more attuned to Satan: Snitsky. Cena, you know DAMN well that if Snitsky hadn't attacked Mr. Kennedy and I, you would not be holding that WWE Championship as we speak."
Cena: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's where you're wrong, skid mark! You see, I've already beaten you. And Mr. Kennedy is too busy rubbing his face all over Mr. McMahon's genitals to concentrate on defeating me. So it doesn't matter if you two attack me in the ring, in the parking lot with 2 x 4s, in the airport with midgits in your luggage, in my house with wrenches, in the ocean with scuba gear, it doesn't MATTER."
Orton: "Everything's a joke to you, isn't it, Cena? Well tonight is no laughing matter. You wanna know why?"
Cena: "Oh, please do tell."
Orton: "You see, Mr. McMahon wasn't too happy with your victory last night. He wasn't too happy at all. So he's decided to have another special match for you tonight. Oh, but don't worry. It won't be for the WWE Championship. No, see Mr. McMahon just wants to hurt you tonight. So tonight, John Cena, you will be handcuffed to the ring ropes, and you will face... well, let's just wait until tonight for you to find out..."
JR: "That sick son of a ***** Mr. McMahon's trying to end this kid's career, I'm tellin' ya! What kind of a match has the champion handcuffed to the ropes?!"
King: "A good one, JR."
JR: "What in the world are you talking about?"
King: "I'm sick of Cena, JR. Every week it's the same old thing. The odds get stacked higher and higher against Cena, but he continues to come back. He's completely devaluing all of his opponents, and making them look like crap. I hope he gets his ass handed to him tonight!"
JR: "King, I don't know you! I don't know you one damn bit, you sick son of a bitch!"
With the announcement that Cena will be handcuffed to the ropes in his match later tonight, is there any chance of his survival? And what of the rift between JR and King's friendship. Is Cena's reign of terror tearing the WWE apart?!
JR: "Welcome back everybody to Monday Night RAW and what an incredible announcement we have just heard. Tonight's main event will see John Cena being handcuffed to the ring ropes against an unnamed opponent. I just can't believe this. What has John Cena done to deserve this kind of treatment?!"
King: "Well... he did slap Mr. McMahon across the face."
JR: "Well, what do you expect him to do?! Give the chairman a hug for disrespecting Cena's mother?"
King: "Well, Mr. McMahon wasn't exactly lying, JR."
JR: "What are you insinuating?"
King: "Let's put it this way, Ross. More men have put their meat in her buns than McDonald's!"
JR: "That's just sick and disgraceful. You should be totally ashamed of yourself for saying that. How dare you even think about saying something like that about John Cena..."
Backstage, in Mr. McMahon's office, the Coach is speaking with the chairman...
Mr. McMahon: "I hate John Cena."
Coach: "I know you do, sir."
Mr. McMahon: "I hate him more than anything else in the world. God, if I could do anything to get that damn title off of him. Wait a minute, that's it..."
Coach: "That's what, sir?"
Mr. McMahon: "John Cena may never lose the title in a match, but what if he were to be stripped of it?"
Coach: "But sir, do you think that's wise?"
Mr. McMahon: "What do you mean, is that wise? Don't you dare talk back to me!"
Coach: "Well, sir, he IS a major source of revenue for your industry."
Mr. McMahon: "Do you really think I care about that, Coach? I'm a damned billionaire. Cena is nothing more than minutiae when it comes to my financial success, ok?"
Coach: "Whatever you say, boss."
Mr. McMahon: "Damn right, whatever I say."
Coach: "So.. when are you going to strip him of the title, sir?"
Mr. McMahon: "Right after he gets his ass handed to him tonight. Yeah.. . that sounds perfect. I love the sound of that. John Cena gets annihilated, and then is stripped of the title. Hehehehe..."
A short time later, in Orton's dressing room.
Mr. Kennedy walks in...
Orton: "Well, if it isn't the son of Mr. McMahon. What do I owe the pleasure of your visit?"
Mr. Kennedy: "Let's cut the mis-manners and get down to business, Orton. Last night Snitsky took us both out. You and I both know that Cena would've been history if it wasn't for that freakish psycho. I would be the champion right now if it wasn't for--"
Orton: "Hold on just a minute, what do you mean 'you' would be the champion? Last I recall, you were the one who got pinned last night."
Mr. Kennedy: "Yeah, that's real nice. Keep bringin' that up, Randy. Look, I came here to deliver some important news."
Orton: "Oh, yeah? And what news would that be?"
Mr. Kennedy: "Well, seein' as I'm the son of Mr. McMahon, I always get the first word of everything. It seems as though my dad is going to strip Cena of the title tonight."
Mr. Kennedy: "Yeah."
Orton: "Well, that's good news. But what does it mean to you?"
Mr. Kennedy: "I want to make sure that we're on the same page. We both know you and I are the two most worthy holders of that WWE Championship. We need to work together and make sure Snitsky doesn't get it."
Orton: "...I never really though of that."
Mr. Kennedy: "What do you say?"
Orton: "I'm with you."
Meanwhile, in Cena's dressing room
Cena is pacing back and forth in his locker room, visibly upset. Josh Grisham enters.
Grisham: "John Cena, if I can get a word with you really qui--"
Cena grabs the microphone out of Grisham's hand and shoves him out of the room.
Cena: "So, Mr. McMahon wants to strip John Cena of the title. You know it's really sad, Vince, that you have to feed your ego so bad. You tell people you're the Genetic Jackhammer, that you've got testicles the size of grapefruits, and then you have to strip me of the title because no one in your company is good enough to take it from me. Well, listen to me you piece of crap--"
Snitsky enters the room, and he and Cena have a staredown
Snitsky: "Oh, don't worry, Cena. I'm not going to hurt you tonight. And do you wanna know why? Because I think what Vince is doing is... wrong. Champions aren't supposed to lose titles by being stripped of them. Champions are supposed to lose titles through unfathomable punishment and pain. The kind of torture that only someone like me can inflict. So, I promise you this, Cena... whoever is the champion come next week will be forced to suffer anguish that would make Satan himself cringe in horror..."
Meanwhile, in General Manager Regal's office...
Umaga barges in
Regal: "What in the bloody hell is this?!"
Umaga: "DO-WAAAH! Mylokopaaut Bai'aa tajoa!"
Regal: "I don't speak Samoan you wretched savage!"
Umaga: "Grrrrrrrrr.... *deep breath* Grrrrr......"
Regal: "What, do you want Jeff Hawdy tonight? Fine, you got him! NOW LEAVE, DAMN YOU!"
Umaga slowly backs away, and the growling slowly subsides
Regal: "Good heavens, it's like a zoo here..."
King Booker enters
Regal: "Ah, the royal King Bookah. How may I serve you?"
Booker: "The noble general manager, Mr. Regal. As you are aware, the peasant Triple Aitch has been a thorn in my side. He claims to be the King of Kings, but we all know that I, King Book-AH, am the only monarch in the WWE."
Regal: "That is absolutely true, my king."
Booker: "Thank you. Now, what I am asking for, is a match against Triple Aitch.... tonight."
Regal: "You've got it, I'll get that taken care of right away. Don't you worry."
King Booker leaves as Cody Rhodes enters
Cody: "What's up, Book?"
Booker: "That's KING Book-AH, to you, you... FIEF!"
King Booker leaves
Cody: "Mr. Regal, I was wondering if you could give me a match tonight."
Regal: "No, I'm sorry, Cody, I can't."
Cody: "But you can give King Booker a match?"
Regal: "What the hell has that got to do with you, ya miserable specimen? If you must know, you walk like a pompous idiot, and your music is a cacophonic medley of busting ear drums! NOW GET OUT OF MY OFFICE NOW, YOU HEATHEN!"
Cody leaves, walking like a pompous idiot. Santino enters.
Regal: "Oh, for God's sake. What is it now, San-ti-no?"
Santino: "Meester Re-gail, I am-a sick and tired of my treatment around-a here. Now, Maria is my lady, and not that goomba Ron Simmons. I want a match with him... tewnight!"
Regal: "Fine, you've got it, now just leave, please."
Santino leaves. Regal breathes a sigh of relief.
Meanwhile, back at ringside...
JR: "...That is just totally wrong to say about somebody's mother, King. You are a sick, vile, twisted, corrupt, depraved, immoral, decrepit, senile, nasty son of a bitch."
King: "Are you done?" -_-
What will happen next?!
JR: "We are back live at Monday Night RAW, and sitting beside me is a perverse individual."
King: "Will you cut it out, Ross?"
Cena's music hits and JR is on the verge of having an orgasm
Cena: "Well... it appears as though Mr. McMahon is planning on stripping me of my WWE Championship tonight. I guess I'm not really surprised, I mean... we all know that Vince loves stripping things off of men. Usually clothes, but sometimes belts, too. But what Vince is failing to realize is that with or without this championship around my waist, I will still be the true Champ of the WWE, and the Chain Gang will still have my back!"
Mr. McMahon's music hits
Mr. McMahon: "Cena, Cena... calm down. What makes you so certain that I'm going to strip you of that title? No, see, if you manage to win your match tonight, I won't strip you of your WWE Championship. No, I won't. All you've got to do is win this match, Mr. Cena. So, referee, if you wouldn't mind..."
The referee informs Cena that his hands must be handcuffed to the top ring rope. Cena reluctantly complies.
Mr. McMahon: "Now introducing your opponent. He is the Samoan Bulldozer... UUUUMAGA!"
Five minutes later
JR: "Cena is a bloodied mess, King! Umaga is tough as hell to beat in a standard one-on-one match, let alone being handcuffed to the ring ropes! This is just cruel and unusual punishment. And what the HELL ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?!!"
King: "This is awesome, Ross. Cena is finally going to lose. Just admit it. There's nothing you can do about it."
JR: "Oh, how dare you."
Umaga is about to nail Cena with the Samoan Spike when Jeff Hardy enters the ring with a steel chair. He whacks Umaga over the head with it nearly a dozen times, knocking the 350 lb. monster down. Cena stretches and places a foot on Umaga's chest. 1... 2... 3!
Mr. McMahon: "Oh, you may have thought you got away safe this time, Cena. But it doesn't matter. You know why? Because... I LIED. Cena, you are hereby STRIPPED of the WWE Championship. Have a good night, and I'll see ya next week."
As Mr. McMahon is about to leave, Linda McMahon appears to the shock of everyone in attendance.
Linda: "Vince, you have gone way overboard with your hatred for John Cena. You can't go around stripping the titles off of your champions! Now, as the CEO of the WWE, I have the authority to overrule your decisions. And that means that you, John Cena, are still the WWE Champion, and your stripping of the title will be wiped away from the record books!"
Mr. McMahon: "You can't do this to me! I'm the Chairman, damnit!"
Linda: "Oh, and by the way, Cena... YOU'RE FIRED!"
JR: "WHAT?! No, dear God, no."
Linda: "NOW you're stripped of that WWE Championship."
What a groundbreaking announcement! John Cena has been fired and stripped of the WWE Championship! How will he react? What can he do to get back in the business, sans licking Mr. McMahon's scrotum again?!
Chapter VI: The Former Champion
Date: Monday, September 24, 2007
Last week on Monday Night RAW, former WWE Champion John Cena was fired and stripped of his title by none other than the wife of Mr. McMahon, Linda! The announcement has left the entire world of wrestling in utter shock. The man who has enlivened (or devalued) the show for years is no longer here! What does this mean for the WWE, other than higher-quality matches?
JR: "You know, normally I'd open the show in a jovial fashion, but there is absolutely nothing to be happy about tonight. I still cannot comprehend what I heard last week right here on RAW. John Cena has been fired. This is the darkest day in the history of the industry."
Jerry "The King" Lawler is dancing.
JR: "What the Hell are you so happy about, King?! Don't tell me you agree with what the McMahons did to Cena..."
King: "Oh, I couldn't be happier, Ross! The totalitarianism has finally ended! We no longer have to sit through overly formulaic matches ever again! YES!"
JR: "If you are in agreement with the McMahons then you are just as sick and twisted as they are!"
King: "Ross, a sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind. Think about it. Every Cena match consisted of him getting beat down for twenty minutes, then all of a sudden he connects with a couple flying shoulder blocks, a measly punch to the forehead and an F-U and it's all over! You honestly can't tell me that you enjoyed watching the same thing over and over again for over two years..."
JR: "It's not about the match itself, King. It's about the heart and resiliency of the champion."
Mr. McMahon's music hits, and the reaction from the crowd is deafening. Mr. McMahon is smiling a huge smile.
Mr. McMahon: "Boy, oh boy, I'll tell ya what. I couldn't be happier! John Cena is longer a part of the WWE. I told Cena his life would be a living Hell, and last week he learned the hard way that blood is thicker than water. Because my wife Linda fired John Cena last week, which leaves the WWE Championship vacant."
A mixture of boos and cheers
Mr. McMahon: "Now, there are five individuals who I believe are deserving of the championship. However, we are in a bit of a pickle here, because I'm not entirely convinced about how to go about determining who the new champion is going to be. Therefore, until further noti--"
Mr. Kennedy's music hits
Mr. Kennedy: "Dad, I know you try your hardest to be fair and impartial, but let's face it: nepotism runs in your side of the family. So... I think it'd be best for the business if you just hand me the title. After all, the McMahon family is the most dominant in the wrestling business. It only fits for me to me at the top of the food chain here on RAW."
Mr. McMahon: "Well, first of all, son, even though I may be your dad, I hate being interrupted. Never interrupt me again. With that said, you may be my son, but you will never get anything handed to you. Just ask Shane. Therefo--"
Orton's music hits
Orton: "If there's anybody who deserves to be the new champion, it's me. I'm the Legend Killer, Randy Orton. And I've had John Cena beat on more than one occasion. Vince, if you're going to give anybody that title, it's going to be me."
Mr. McMahon: "Damnit, I'm not goint to give this title to anybody! And if one more person interrupts me, I'm going to personally beat the living HELL out of hi--"
Snitsky's music hits
Mr. McMahon: ._.
Snitsky: "I didn't realize that RAW's top superstars were such cry babies."
Orton & Mr. Kennedy: "WHAT?! We're not cry babies!!"
Snitsky: "You should never ask for something to be handed to you. No, you need to show why you deserve the championship. You need to exhibit ruthless aggression. And there is nobody who has more ruthless aggression coarsing through their veins than me..."
Snitsky takes down both Orton and Mr. Kennedy with a Pump Handle Slam.
Mr. McMahon: "Uhhh... I'll take your words under advisement, Snitsky." >_>
Snitsky: "Good, because my opponent's pain--"
Mr. McMahon: "Is my pleasure, yeah I got it. Now then, back to busi--"
Lashley's music hits, and the crowd is going wild.
Lashley: "You say your name is Snitsky, and you love pain. I say you're name is Snitsky, and you're just a clone of Kane."
Mr. McMahon: "Alright, that's IT! I've had enough interruptions for one night, DAMNIT! What the Hell is the meaning of this, Bobby? You weren't supposed to be back here for months! Get outta here right now!"
Lashley: "NO!" Ò_Ó
Mr. McMahon: "Don't make the same mistake Cena did, Lashley."
Lashley: "I came back here earlier than expected because I'm sick of the way you think you can dominate the WWE. And then you fired Cena last week, and that was the last straw. I'm here in the name of all muscle-bound freaks who can't wrestle worth a lick but are given titles and title opportunities, anyway."
Camera cuts to backstage, where Ron Simmons is speaking with Maria. Batista walks by...
Camera cuts back to the ring
Mr. McMahon: "In case you haven't forgotten, Bobby, I beat you for the ECW Championship. If you couldn't even beat the chairman of the WWE, what makes you think you deserve the WWE Champion--"
Triple H's music hits
Mr. McMahon: "THIS IS RI-GODDAMN-DICULOUS!!!"
HHH: "Easy there, Vince. I'm not here to ask for the WWE Championship."
Mr. McMahon: "You're not?"
HHH: "No, you see I'm here to TELL you that the next champion is going to be me."
Mr. McMahon: "Is that so?"
HHH: "Yeah, it is."
Mr. McMahon: "I've had just about enough of this. Now Orton and my son are still knocked out thanks to this freakish monster, Snitsky. Lashley's here and so are you, HHH. So this is what I propose. In two weeks time it will be No Mercy, and we're going to have ourselves an Elimination Chamber match for the vacant WWE Championship!"
Mr. McMahon: "Now, I realize that there are only five individuals in and around this ring tonight. So, I'm going to deliberate over the next hour or so, and I'll announce the sixth participant later tonight."
About a half an hour later, in Mr. McMahon's office...
Mr. McMahon: "Coach, go get me a coffee, will ya?"
Coach: "What kind, sir?"
Mr. McMahon: "I DON'T GIVE A DAMN, JUST GET ME A COFFEE!"
Coach leaves hastily, and Mr. McMahon is alone. Just then, John Cena enters.
Mr. McMahon: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"
Cena attacks Vince and locks on the STF-U
Cena: "Before I snap your neck, I want you to make me the sixth participant in the Elimination Chamber at No Mercy!"
Mr. McMahon: "But... *cough* you're... fired."
Cena: "Then RE-HIRE me."
Mr. McMahon: "Ok... you *cough* got... it."
Cena relinquishes the hold and exits. Coach appears.
Coach: "Sir, are you OK?"
With the unbelievable assault on Vince, it appears as though Cena is going to be re-hired and participate in the Elimination Chamber at No Mercy! How will things pan out for the rest of tonight's Monday Night RAW?!
Welcome back to a groundbreaking edition of Monday Night RAW. Earlier tonight, John Cena broke into Mr. McMahon's office and locked him in the STF-U, demanding to be re-hired and added as the sixth participant in the Elimination Chamber match for the WWE Championship at No Mercy. Vince desperately agreed, but will he go through with his word? Let's find out...
JR: "You know, King. There are rumors that Mr. McMahon was attacked backstage earlier, and by none other than John Cena!"
King: "What? Are you kidding me? That cocky bastard thinks he can get away with anything!"
JR: "What has gotten into you lately, King?! I don't know you at all anymore."
King: "Don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit?"
JR: "OH, HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE SUCH AN ASININE STATEMENT!"
Mr. McMahon's music hits
Mr. McMahon (rubbing his neck): "Now then... earlier tonight I said that I would name the sixth competitor for No Mercy's Elimination Chamber match. Well... I've come to my conclusion. In spite of what a few rumors are circulating, the sixth member is NOT going to be a certain individual who was fired just last week."
Mr. McMahon: "Instead, this individual is one of animalistic rage, making reference to the Samoan Bulldozer... Umaga. Now, I have a contract here for the Elimination Chamber, and the other five participants have already signed it. So, Umaga, if you wouldn't mind. Please come down here and sign this contract."
Mr. McMahon: "Umaga... come out here and sign the contract!"
Mr. McMahon: >_>
The camera cuts to backstage, where Cena and Umaga are battling one another.
Mr. McMahon: "What the Hell is this?! Somebody get Cena off of Umaga! NOW, Damnit!"
Cena delivers an F-U to Umaga onto a stack of plywood, rendering him immobile. He heads to the ring and the crowd erupts. Mr. McMahon is visibly shaken.
Mr. McMahon: "Security, don't let him in here! DON'T LET HIM IN HERE!"
Cena runs to the ring and beats the ever living Hell out of Mr. McMahon. He then signs the contract.
JR: "Good God almighty, King! John Cena has signed the contract. He's in the Elimination Chamber match! Cena, Cena, CENA, CENA, CENA!" *stroke*
King: "Uhhhh..." >_>
King steals JR's hat
What an incredible RAW this has been! John Cena has signed the contract for No Mercy and will be in the Elimination Chamber match! What will Vince have in store for him next Monday Night? And when will Cena manage to pull off a believable angry face?
Chapter VII: The Gauntlet Revisited
Date: Monday, October 1, 2007
Two weeks ago, former WWE Champion John Cena was stripped of his title and fired from the WWE. Just last week, Mr. McMahon announced the upcoming Elimination Chamber match for the vacant WWE Championship at No Mercy. The first five participants were named earlier in the night (Mr. Kennedy, Orton, Lashley, Snitsky and Triple H) while Mr. McMahon waited until later on to have the sixth competitor, Umaga, sign a contract. But John Cena attacked Vince in his office and later on signed the contract himself! On this most historic of nights, what is going to happen? Will legal action be taken? Will Lashley develop charisma? Will Cena overcome the odds? Let's find out!
JR: "Hello everybody and welcome to what is sure to be a hellacious edition of Monday Night RAW! I'm Jim Ross, alongside Jerry "The Dick" Lawler, and I just don't have the words to describe the feelings that are coarsing through my body at this present moment. The essence of John Cena is not about death, but life. He lives for this business. He lives for you fans. He lives--"
King: "He lives to bore the Hell out of all the fans, JR!"
JR: "I don't think I was talking to you, so why don't you just shut up!"
King: "Ross, when are you going to get off the bandwagon and stop praising Cena as if he's some Greek God? Yes, he's tough, resilient, and as strong as an ox. But you seem to be forgetting that he's also lackluster, boring and, above all else, extremely repetitive!"
JR: "I don't understand where this cynical attitude towards Cena has come from, King. He's courageous, he's valiant, honorable and he manages to win all his matches fairly!"
King: "That's why he used the steel steps against the Great Khali, right?"
JR: "Well, what do you expect him to do? Hop on the Great Khali's shoulders and sing 'Rub Ya Blue' all night long?"
King: "Uhhh..." >_>
Mr. McMahon's music hits and the crowd erupts in a chorus of jeers
Mr. McMahon: "Last week a certain individual illegally signed a contract for the Elimination Chamber match at No Mercy. Now, contrary to what you may believe, that does NOT mean that he is going to participate in that match. You see, that federal document had several addendums clearly specifying that it was to be signed by Umaga and Umaga only. Therefore, the signature reading 'John Cena'..."
The crowd erupts in a mixture of high-pitched squeals and deep boos
Mr. McMahon: "... that signature is null and void. John Cena is not even part of the WWE anymore. He shouldn't have even been in the building last week! And I guarantee you this, however let him in his going to have to answer to me, because I'm sick and tired of Cena. Whether it was the janitor, the security, the ticket salesman, the--"
Shane McMahon's music hits and the crowd erupts into cheers
Mr. McMahon: "Shane, what the Hell are you doing here?!"
Shane McMahon: "Shut up."
Mr. McMahon: ._.
Shane McMahon: "You see, dad, all my life you've been dominating every aspect of your surroundings. I bet you feel real powerful as the Chairman of the board, don't you? Well, perhaps you forgot that about one year ago you signed over half of your executive powers to me in the event of your retirement. So, when you and mom unjustly fired Cena, I took it upon myself to convince the higher-ups to re-sign him BACK... to the WWE."
Mr. McMahon: O_O
The fans are going wild. Well... some of them
Shane McMahon: "So at No Mercy this Sunday, John Cena WILL be the sixth participant in the Elimination Chamber match for the Vacant WWE Championship. And I guarantee you one thing, there's going to be a new WWE Champ, and he's gonna have one thing to say to you."
Cena enters the ring through the crowd and delivers an F-U to Vince.
JR: "Oh my god what an amazing start to Monday Night RAW! John Cena has just leveled the Chairman with the F-U! Do you think this is symbolic, King? Has John Cena finally gotten the one-up on Vince?! Is he going to emerge from the Elimination Chamber match as the new WWE Champion?! This is intense! This is off the page intense! My heart is palpitating like a motorized chia pet! Good God Almighty! GOOD GOD!"
King: "Um.. ladies and gentlemen, we have to cut to a commercial break. Meanwhile, I'm gonna try and get my broadcast partner here back into sanity."
Following the commercial break, Mr. McMahon is backstage, holding his back in pain.
Coach: "Sir, I saw what happened out there. That was awful. John Cena should be ashamed of himself!"
Mr. McMahon: "I don't watch your sympathy, Coach, alright?! I just want that damn rogue Cena to pay for this! I can't believe Shane signed him back to the WWE. I knew I never should've given that bastard executive powers!"
Mr. Kennedy walks in
Mr. McMahon: "Ahh... here he is. My favorite son."
Mr. Kennedy: "My favorite dad!"
The two hug.
Mr. McMahon: "Are you prepared to take out Cena tonight, son?"
Mr. Kennedy: "Oh, you're sure as Hell I am. John Cena is going to wish he NEVER messed with the Chairman of the WWE, but more importantly... my father."
Mr. McMahon: "That's what I like to here. Good luck out there tonight." :)
Mr. Kennedy: :)
Mr. Kennedy leaves
Coach: "Uh, sir? I don't mean to be rude but... you're doing to send Mr. Kennedy out alone against Cena tonight?"
Vince: "Yeah, what the Hell's wrong with that?"
Coach: "Well, no offense sir, but Mr. Kennedy was the one who got pinned at Unforgiven. What makes you think he's a match for John Cena now?"
Vince: "Because that's not the only match Cena is going to have."
Vince: "Cena is running the gauntlet again here tonight. But not in one match, no. First he's gonna face my outstanding and better son, Mr. Kennedy. Then he's got to contend with the Legend Killer Randy Orton. If he somehow survives that, he's got the monster Snitsky waiting for him."
Coach: "And if Cena survives that?"
Coach: "And if Cena survives Umaga?"
Vince: "Ha! There's no way Cena can overcome such odds. Such a feat would be unheard of."
Coach: "Sir, he was fighting off six men at once not too long ago, Orton, Kennedy and Umaga included."
Vince: "Are you gonna start telling me how to do my job?"
Coach: "No, sir." V_V
The camera cuts to Cena's locker room. John Grisham enters.
Grisham: "John Cena, if I may get a word with you for just a minute. We have just learned from Mr. McMahon that you are going to be put up against the gauntlet here toni--"
Cena grabs the microphone and throws Grisham out of the locker room.
Much of the audience chuckles at Cena's attempt at an angry face.
Cena: "Another gauntlet match! That really should come as no surprise. I mean, Vince has spent the last few months trying to make my life a living hell. Putting me in handicap matches, gauntlet matches, making me wrestle monsters, savages, legend killers, and sons of jackasses, not that I'm referring to Mr. Kennedy in any sort of way. Well ya know what? He may be the chairman of the WWE, but I'm the CHAMPION of the WWE. And when the bell is rung after the Elimination Chamber match at No Mercy, the CHAMP... will... BE... HERE!"
Reverberating boos and cheers
Cena: "As for tonight, it seems I've got my work cut out for me. But, hey, I've wrestled all these guys before, so I know them really well. First I gotta get through Misterrrrrrr Ken-ne-DAYUM SHUT YOU'RE MOUTH! Then I've got the crybaby Randy Orton. I could've sworn Snitsky used to have a foot fetish, so maybe I can shove mine up his ass. And as far as Uuuuumaga goes, I'll just have to show him what a REAL Samoan Spike is!"
The crowd is confused
King: "Uhh... what does that mean, JR?"
JR: "I don't really know, to be honest."
Ron Simmons walks by John Cena.
The show cuts to commercial. When it returns, William Regal is standing in the ring.
Regal: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the next WWE game show spectacular, aptly-titled, 'Decode That Superstar!' Now, the three contestants will be read a description of a random WWE wrestler. The first person to buzz in with the correct answer wins the game, and only one person can buzz in per question. And now let's introduce the participants. Hailing from Italy, and possessing an extremely ridiculous accent, Santino Marella!"
King: "Did Regal just call someone else's accent ridiculous?"
Regal: "The second competitor, hailing from Scrumycuz Inn, Kentucky, Trevor Murdoch! And finally, he hails from Greenwich, Connecticut. He is known as The Game and the King of Kings. He is... Triple... Haitch!"
Regal explains the rules once more to the participants.
Regal: "Here is the first description: 'This former SmackDown! superstar is primarily known for his considerable power and unique background, as well as his tendency to put worms in his mouth.'"
Santino: "Is it-a da Bewgieman?"
Regal: "No, I'm sorry, Santino. That's incorrect."
Santino: "What?! Then who-a da Heck is it?!"
Regal: "The correct answer is Johnny 'The Bull' Stamboli."
Loud "Oooooooh" from the crowd. JR and King chuckle.
Regal: "Here's the next description: 'This fan-favorite loves to use the Tombstone Piledriver quite frequently.'"
Murdoch: *spits* "That's gotta be the Undertaker."
Regal: "No, I'm sorry, that's not the right answer. The correct response is Maria."
Santino: "WHAT?! How do you-a know about-a dat?!"
Regal: "Sit down, Santino. Here's the next description: 'This superstar's meteoric rise to the top came when he decided to do just that.'"
HHH: "Is it Val Venis?"
Regal: "That is correct, Hunter! The winner of the game... Triple... Haitch!"
A short time later, back in Mr. McMahon's office...
Coach: "Sir, it's almost time for Cena's first match against Mr. Kennedy."
Mr. McMahon: "Alright, do you have everything ready?"
Coach: "Yes, sir. I've got it all covered."
Mr. McMahon: "Good, I want to make sure John Cena doesn't even MAKE it to No Mercy."
JR: "The conniving demon known as Mr. McMahon has absolutely no regard for human life, King! What does he have in store for Cena tonight?!"
King: *yawn* "I dunno... probably some kinda seemingly insurmountable odd. It'll seem like Cena is done for but then he'll come back with a couple shoulder blocks and an F-U and completely ignore any ring psychology established during the match. Afterwards, you'll pretend like Cena did something incredible, and I'll say he sucks. And we'll debate until the night is over."
JR: "...What happened to you?"
The cameras cut to backstage, where John Cena is walking through the hallway towards the ring. He passes several superstars on the way.
King Booker: "Well, well, well, if it isn't the roguish peasant who used to be the WWE Champion. I, King Book-AH, am above such failures. The same type of failure that you will experience time after time tonight."
Cena: "You know what, Book?"
King Booker: "That's KING Book-AH to yew!"
Cena: "I'll call you whatever the Hell I want. Bastard, dick, whoremonger, because you're all of them. But you're not a king. And correct me if I'm wrong, but you lost to Triple H at SummerSlam. So if there's anybody who needs to worry about losing in big-time situations... it's you."
King Booker: >:S
Cena passes by Paul London.
Cryme Tyme walk by
Shad: "Hey, it's our boy John Cena!"
Cena: "Hey, what's up, guys?"
JTG: "Yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo, YO! Hey, Cena you wanna us to get the hook-up and the deely-o on the WWE Title? We'll be snabbin' that beeyotch like King Kong on Pauline, bro!"
Shad: "Yeah man, we'll be retreatin' that gold for ya, but it's gonna cost you some..."
Both: "Money, Money... Yeah, Yeah!" <repeat ad nauseum>
Cena: "Alright, guys, I'll see ya later." -_-
Cena walks past Bobby Lashley.
Cena and Lashley hug.
John Cena is on his way to the ring, as he is about to take on Mr. Kennedy in his first of four matches here tonight. Will his reconciliation with Bobby Lashley motivate him to squash another superstar? Could Mark Henry's theme get any cooler? Would Maria consider doing the Tombstone Piledriver with me? STAY TUNED!!
Welcome back to Monday Night RAW, and we are getting ready to witness the first of four matches that John Cena must compete in here tonight...
JR: "In all seriousness, King, I hate you."
JR: "John Cena's a hero. He's a legend, King. You can't grasp that? He busts his ass for all of us and you hate him." :'(
John Cena's music hits and the former champ makes his way to the ring. Mr. Kennedy follows and the bell rings. This match is under way!
JR: "YES, GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY WHAT A RIGHT HAND BY CENA! Oh, and there's a rolling fireman's carry by Mr. Kennedy, how exciting. CENA WITH A MONKEY TOSS, GOOD LORD! Mr. Kennedy tries to battle back, BUT CENA COUNTERS WITH A BACK BODY DROP!"
King: "And you say you're not biased?"
JR: "KISS MAH ASS, KANG!
After a ten-minute bout, Cena lands the F-U on Kennedy for the victory.
King: "*sigh* another squash by Cena..."
Backstage, Mr. McMahon's speaking with Coach.
Vince: "What the HELL was that?! John Cena cheated in that match! Didn't you see it, Coach? He used a closed fist! That's not allowed. My son would've annihilated him!"
Coach: "I know sir, but it seems as though Orton is next up for Cena's second match."
Vince: "I'll tell you this much, my son Mr. Kennedy just sucked all the energy out of John Cena, and Orton's gonna pick up the scraps. I... guarantee it."
Camera cuts to Orton's locker room. Randy is caressing his thigh and humming the tune to "Mary Had a Little Lamb." Mr. Kennedy walks in.
Mr. Kennedy: O_O "Whoa, is this a bad time?"
Orton: >_> "Mr. Kennedy... uh, no, not at all."
Mr. Kennedy: "Listen, I just wanna make sure you destroy Cena tonight. We've gotta get that SOB once and for all!"
Orton: "Trust me, I'll get him." >:)
Orton caresses his thigh
What will happen when Cena takes on Orton shortly! Will the quad-rubbing legend killer snuff off his competition? Stay tuned!
Welcome back to Monday Night RAW! The former WWE Champion John Cena has defeated Mr. Kennedy in his first of four matches here tonight. His next opponent is the Legend Killer Randy Orton. What is going to happen?
JR: "Tonight's RAW is brought to you by Castrol GTX - Drive Hard."
King: "And by Rob Zombie's Halloween - the crappy remake of the '78 classic."
JR: "And... they're fruity, delicious, fruity, fruit, fruity, delicious, fruity, DELICIOUS ,FRUITY, FRUITY, DELICIO--" *heart attack*
John Cena makes his way to the ring and prepares to do battle with Orton.
Cena: "Before I kick Randy Ass-Cream's face in in just a couple of minutes, I'd like to get something off my chest."
King: "Mr. McMahon's cum?"
Cena: "I've been held down ever since joining this company. I've busted my ass for years and what I have got to show for it? Nothing!"
King: "Except a solid 2-year title reign..."
Cena: "So I promise that come No Mercy, I WILL become the NEW WWE Champion, and the Champ... WILL... BE... HERE"!
King: "This is so sickening..."
King: "JR, are you alright?"
JR: *flies buzz*
King: "Uhhh... medic?"
After a grueling twenty minute bout, Cena manages to make Orton tap with the STF-U.
JR: "YES! Good GOD ALMIGHTY!"
King: "Huh? Oh, are you back?"
JR: "Cena has overcome the odds yet again!"
The camera cuts to Vince's office
Vince: "GODDAMN IT!"
Vince: "That son of a ***** Cena is going to get it tonight, I'M TELLING YOU HE'S GOING TO GET IT!"
Vince: "Snitsky is going to tear him apart. YEEEAAAHHHH... I hope he rips his lungs out!"
Camera cuts to Snitsky's dressing room, where the sadomasochist is pacing back and forth. Umaga enters.
Umaga leaves, and Snitsky shakes his head.
Snitsky: "******* Samoans..."
Cena is backstage, walking through the hall towards a water fountain. He passes Sabu, RVD and Jeff Hardy, who are all smoking dope.
Sabu, RVD, Jeff: @_@
Snitsky's match with Cena is up next. Will Cena manage to survive against the seemingly unstoppable Snitsky?!
Tonight on Monday Night RAW, John Cena has miraculously survived both Mr. Kennedy and Randy Orton. His next opponent, the sadomasochistic Snitsky, is Hell-bent on tearing Cena apart. Will the former WWE Champ manage to survive against this freak of nature?
JR: "King, can you believe Cena has survived up to this point?"
King: "Yeah, I can."
King: "Let's not get into this debate again, Ross."
JR: "What in God's name are insinuating?"
King: "I'm not insinuating anything, I just don't wanna have another pointless debate."
JR: "You say debate, I say debauchery."
King: "Let's not quibble over a definition."
JR: "Now you're quoting Raul Julia from Street Fighter?! GOOD GOD!!"
King: *grabs JR by the throat* "You take risks, Ross. Do not presume so much of my good nature."
JR: "King... (cough) stop quoting Raul Julia... for the love of God..."
King: "What's the matter? Come here prepared to fight a madman, and instead you found... a GOD?!"
JR: "You sacrilegious bastard!"
King: "Keep your own God! In fact, now be a good time to pray to him. For I beheld Satan... as he fell from Heaven... like LIGHT-NIIIIIING!"
King: "Ahem, sorry, Ross. I've been watching Street Fighter a lot lately..."
JR: "Yeah, I can see that... Well, on another note--"
King: "Quick! Change the channel!"
JR: "Uhh... Cena's match with Snitsky is up next."
Snitsky makes his way to the ring accompanied with a depressingly nonexistent reaction from the crowd. Cena then comes out to a raucous uproar of cheers and jeers. The match is underway!
JR: "Oh, boy. This is gonna be a slobberknocker!"
King: "I'm sumo, brotha. My body can be in one place, my mind another."
JR: "Next time your mind leaves, tell it to bring back a pizza--err, No! Now I'M quoting Street Fighter!"
After a grueling 20-minute fracas, Cena connects with an F-U on Snitsky on the outside onto the steel steps. He crawls back into the ring and wins via count-out.
JR: "Yes! Cena has won again! Aren't you happy, King?!"
King: "On the contrary, I mourn."
JR: "What? Don't tell me you're still quoting Raul Julia..."
King: "I was hoping to meet John Cena on the battlefield..."
JR: "Come on, knock it off now, King."
King: "...one gentlemen warrior to another, in respectful combat..."
JR: "Damnit, that's enough Jerry!"
King: "...THEN, I would snap his spine!"
JR: "I've just about had enough of this--"
King: "For you, the day Cena defeated Snitsky was the most important day of your life. But for me... it was Monday."
Just one more obstacle stands between Cena and... erm, pride. And that's Umaga! Will the Samoan Bulldozer take advantage of a weakened Cena, or will the tough-as-nails Chain Gang Leader pull through once again?! That... is the greatest unsolved mystery of them all. DAMN, now I'm quoting Robert Stack!
Welcome back to a Cena-laden episode of Monday Night RAW, a most historic (yet eternally banal) show wherein the former WWE Champion, John Cena, has laid waste to Mr. Kennedy, Randy Orton and Snitsky. His next and final opponent, the Samoan Bulldozer, awaits. Will Umaga finally topple the aggravatingly resilient Cena, or will he will "FA'A SAMOA!!!" his way to victory?
King: "You know, JR..."
King: "You know why I was quoting Street Fighter so much?"
King: "Because it's one of the most underrated films in history! It may not have been exactly like the game, and Mortal Kombat was a much better game-to-film adaptation, but it gets undeserved hate."
JR: "I'd tend to concur, King."
King: "Like Halloween 3. That was a good movie, it just should not have been given the title of Halloween."
NOTE: The last few lines were the result of the author's (me) shameful way of voicing his personal opinions about socially-despised films in a way that makes it impersonal. The kayfabe show shall continue now...
King: "Anyway, Cena's final match, the main event, is up next, JR!"
JR: "Umaga is at least 400 lbs."
King: "...you always say that. Why?"
JR: "Well... LOOK at him! He's thick."
King: "JR, he's 350. 360 at the most."
JR: "Whatever, King..."
Cena's music hits and the idol of... well, prepubescents shows up. Only the little kids scream in joy, as well as the occasional overweight Gothic chick who listens to Korn and thinks cutting her wrists with staples makes her have an understanding of pathos. Ahem, anyway...
Cena: "Come on, Samoan Suckpipe! I'm right here, and if ya want some... come GET SOME!"
King: "Samoan Suckpipe?"
King: "Ross, that doesn't even make any sense."
JR: "You just don't understand Cena's humor."
King: "Yeah, I guess I don't. But that's a good thing."
Umaga makes his way to the ring, and the match begins! Cena rushes Umaga, who tosses the former champ over the top rope. Cena is back in and Umaga floors him with a Clothesline.
JR: "This is repulsive. Absolutely... repulsive."
King: "Well, I admit it is unfair for Cena to wrestle four matches tonight."
JR: "Unfair? UNFAIR?! King, this goes beyond unfair. This is IN-HU-MAN."
King: "Ok, Ok!" O_o
Fifteen minutes later, Umaga hits the Samoan Spike. He goes for the cover but Cena manages to kick out. JR is going ape****, and Cena mounts yet another unfathomable comeback. He nails Umaga with the F-U and locks on the STF-U. Before Umaga taps, however, Orton, Kennedy and Snitsky all hit the ring and attack Cena.
JR: "What in God's name is going on here?! Somebody get these people out of the damn ring! Enough is enough!"
King: "Cena's getting annihilated JR!" :-D
JR: "How could you enjoy this?!"
Triple H and Lashley make the save, forcing the heels out of the ring.
JR: "King, it's going to be one HELL of a night this Sunday at No Mercy! Who's going to walk out the new WWE Champion? Could it be John Cena? Could he OVERCOME THE ODDS?!?!!"
King: "JR, he's facing the same odds as HHH, Lashley, Kennedy, Orton and Snitsky. Why do you pinpoint his predicament as more difficult?"
JR: "King... you just sicken me." >:|
King: "Sorry, Ross."
With all Hell breaking loose, something incredible is bound to happen at No Mercy. Will Cena reactivate his reign of terror, or will the WWE Championship be wrapped around the waist of a new superstar? Stay tuned for a revolutionary PPV!
Chapter VIII: No Mercy
Date: Sunday, October 7, 2007
JR: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to a sure-to-be blockbuster event. Welcome to No Mercy! I'm Jim Ross, alongside Jerry "The King" Lawler, and King, I'm at a loss for words as to how I'm feeling right now!"
King: "I can't blame ya, Ross! There's an electricity in the air, the crowd is buzzing, and the tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife. I've got a feeling somethin' really big is going to happen tonight."
JR: "...What are you insinuating?"
King: "What? Uhh... I'm not insinuating anything, JR. I just said I think something major is going to happen tonight, that's all. It's just a gut feeling."
JR: "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?!"
King: "Ross, take a Vicadin."
Mr. McMahon's music hits to commence the Pay-Per-View. The crowd boos, and the chairman glances over the audience with a scowl.
Mr. McMahon: "In this very ring tonight, six men will do battle to determine one victor."
King: "I wonder what he's referring to..."
Mr. McMahon: "Now, regrettably John Cena has somehow gotten himself the sixth spot in the Elimination Chamber match tonight."
King: "Oh, the Elimination Chamber match, of course!"
JR: "Are you a dumbass or something?"
Mr. McMahon: "Nevertheless, I will stop at nothing to keep him from walking out with the gold tonight. Do you hear me? I am going to do anything - and I mean anything - to make sure John Cena does NOT walk out of here tonight as the new WWE Champion. John Cena quite frankly as no chance... in Hell."
Boos from the crowd, and JR and King are speculating as to what the Chairman could have up his sleeve. As Vince is about to leave, Cena makes his way to the ring.
Cena: "I'm pretty pissed off."
John Cena F-U's Vince.
Fifteen minutes later, in Mr. McMahon's office...
Vince: "Goddamnit I HATE John Cena!"
Coach: "Sir, that was absolutely disgusting what John Cena did to you out there! He deserves to be punished and reprimanded for his actions!"
Vince: "SHUT the HELL up you damned sycophant!"
Vince: "Now then... Cena does deserve punishment. And he's going to get it. I've got a plan, Coach. Would you like to hear it?"
Coach: "Of course, sir."
Vince: "Well then close the Goddamn door and I'll tell ya..."
The cameras cut away before the crowd can hear Vince's revelation.
Sometime during the middle of the show...
William Regal is walking around backstage. Santino Marella passes by...
Santino: "Oh, Mama-Mia! Look-y here, it's da General Manager of RAW. Just-a let me, how you say, jump off the high horse and shoot some craps!"
Regal: "...Santino, is there something I can do for you?"
Santino: "As a matter of fact-a, yes there is-a. Joo see, I am sick and tired of that Cookie Monster chasing after my Mah-ree-ah."
Regal: "Santino, there's nothing I can do about that."
Santino: "Oh-ho, yes there is-a, you bastard-o!"
Regal: "What in the bloody hell did you just call me?!"
Santino: "Hey, calm-a down, Regal. Just, eh, how you say, chill out-a."
Regal: "Santino, if you don't get to the bottom of this right now I'll make you feel like you've been hacked up with a bloody hatchet!"
Santino: "Quit-a doing your silly little WWE game shows. Each and every time dat Ron Simmons wins, he comes after my byooteeful Mah-ree-ah."
Regal: "Santino, if you're not good enough in bed to keep Maria docile, that's not my problem."
Santino: "How-a dare you say dat to me! Why, I could slap-a joor face right now!"
Regal: "GET OUT OF MY WAY, YOU BLOODY HEATHEN!"
Nearing the main event...
JR: "King, it's almost time."
King: "That's right, JR. The Elimination Chamber is lowering! We're about to crown a new WWE Champion!"
The cameras cut to backstage, where Cena, HHH, Lashley, Orton, Mr. Kennedy and Snitsky are all waiting in the same lockerroom, per the orders of Mr. McMahon.
Orton: "Why the Hell is Vince havin' us all wait in here?!"
Orton looks at Mr. Kennedy
Mr. Kennedy: "Don't look at me. He might be my dad but he didn't say anything to me."
Snitsky is standing in the corner, tearing at his nipples with pliers.
HHH, Orton, Lashley, Cena, Kennedy: *_*
Lashley: "You say your name is Snitsky, and your opponent's pain is your pleasure. I say your name is Snitsky, and... well, that's just sick, dude. Really. You need help."
Ten minutes later, the Elimination Chamber match has begun...
Snitsky and Lashley are the first two competitors to start off the match. They wrestle to a stalemate until Orton is released. He helps Snitsky double-team Lashley, who manages to mount an offense with a double clothesline followed by a spinebuster on Orton and a running powerslam on Snitsky. He can't pin either individual, and now Triple H is in the match.
JR: "THERE'S SO MUCH ACTION I CAN'T HANDLE IT!!!!"
King: "Whoa, holy crap, are you alright, JR?"
- JR's tongue is hanging out of his mouth, and drool is dripping onto his lap*
King: "Uhhh... medic?"
Twenty minutes later, Orton, Cena and HHH are the last ones left in the chamber. Triple H goes to whack Orton with the sledgehammer, but the Legend Killer ducks and the Game hits Cena. As Triple H looks in disbelief at Cena, Orton surprises him with an RKO for the 1-2-3.
JR: "It's down to John Cena and Randy Orton, King!"
Fifteen minutes later, both men are battered and bloodied. Cena has kicked out of the RKO, and Orton has kicked out of the F-U. Suddenly, Umaga appears from backstage and tears himself an entrance into the chamber. He attacks Cena, delivering a Samoan Spike whilst Randy lays unconscious.
JR: "That wretched, savage son of a *****! He's gonna cost Cena the title! This is repulsive! Damn Mr. McMahon! DAMN HIM TO HELL!"
Orton crawls over and drapes an arm over Cena. The referee counts... 1.... 2.... Thr--- kick out! The crowd can't believe it and JR is suffering involuntary spasms. Cena begins to mount an offense and nails Orton with the second F-U of the match! He locks on the STF-U but Orton is refusing to tap. He tries to roll out of it but Cena keeps it locked on. A solid thirty seconds into the hold, Orton is about to tap, when a masked figure enters the chamber. He nails Cena with a chair several times and pulls Orton on top of him. 1... 2... 3!
Tony Chimel: "The winner of this match, and the NEW WWE Champion... "The Legend Killer," Randy... Orton!"
JR: "Oh, no. No... no..." :'(
King: "Who the hell is that, JR?"
JR: "That masked man just cost Cena this title match! Who the Hell is that?!"
The man removes the mask to reveal himself. It's...
JR: "Bah Gawd! That's Vince Russo, King!"
King: "I know, JR! What in the Hell is he doing in the WWE?!"
Russo grabs a microphone.
Russo: "I ain't heya ta talk smack abawt the fruit called Jawn Cena. I'm nawt even heya to tell ya's why I did what I did. All you's gots to know, is that da new era has stawted heya in the WWE. The era... of Vince... Russo!"
A dark cloud has fallen over the WWE. A cloud in the form of Vince Russo. John Cena has been screwed out of the WWE Championship, and now the Legend Killer reigns supreme. What is in store for the WWE now? Will the fans manage to sit through incredibly illogical and inane storylines? They've done a good job so far... Join us for the next edition of Monday Night RAW, where Vince Russo and Vince McMahon make a groundbreaking announcement!
Chapter IX: The Deadly Alliance
Date: Monday, October 8, 2007
Last night at No Mercy, the world was shocked when Vince Russo interfered in the Elimination Chamber match, allowing Randy Orton to defeat John Cena and become the new WWE Champion. With this startling new adversary, how will John Cena manage to reclaim the title? Is it even possible?
JR: "Screw the Goddamn intro. I'm sick and tired of welcoming ladies and gentlemen to RAW. What happened last night was perverse and damned-to-hell disgusting! I have never seen anything like that screw job in my life! John Cena was SCREWED out of the WWE Title! What in the Hell is going on around here?!"
King: "I don't know, JR, but what I'd like to know is what in the world Vince Russo was thinking!"
JR: "All I know is that the WWE now has two sons of ******* whose names are Vince!"
Mr. McMahon makes his way to the ring, wearing a huge smile. The crowd is all over him, and one particularly irate fan throws a John Cena T-shirt at him. Vince stares curiously at the white stains all over the shirt, and continues on his way to the ring.
Mr. McMahon: "Ah... well, I'd hate to say it, but... I told ya so. I guaranteed the world that I would stop at NOTHING to make sure that John Cena would not leave last night's Pay-Per-View as the new WWE Champion, and by God he didn't!"
JR: "Thanks to that repulsive, vile, vitriolic, misanthropic, crappy excuse for a human being, Vince you sick son of a mother ******* *****!"
King: "Jesus Christ, Ross, relax..." O_o
Mr. McMahon: "So, I would like to take this time to introduce to all of you, the man who is responsible for John Cena losing last night. I bring to you, the one and only... Vince... Russoooooo..."
Russo emerges from backstage and tap-dances his way to the ring.
Russo: "Ey Vinnie Mac, is da main man!"
Mr. McMahon: "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my new business partner!"
JR: "This makes me sick."
Mr. McMahon: "Now, Mr. Russo, perhaps you would like to explain to the audience why you did what you did last night."
Russo: "Yah, I gotcha Vinnie, I gotcha. When I was runnin' da show ova at WCW, da fans loved evewy single minute of it! Den dis entrepreneuah right heya decided to buy his competition. Den I was outta da business scheme o' tings."
King: "Ross, can you understand this guy?"
JR: "He's making about as much sense as Paris Hilton on LSD."
Russo: "When I saw dis Jawn Cena takin' over tings here on RAW, I decided dat da wrestlin' business could use some revivin'. Das when I talked to Vinnie Mac, and we collaborated and figyad, Jawn Cena's gots to go."
The crowd boos. Half of them, anyway.
Russo: "And now da new era has begun! The wrestlin' community is gonna bow down to da new alliance. Vince McMahon and Vince Russo... V-squared!"
King: "Hey, what a minute. Wasn't that the name for Val Venis and Viscera?"
JR: "I think you're right, King."
Vince whispers in Russo's ear.
Russo: "Oh, neva mind dat. We ain't V-squared no more. Now we's Valium."
Vince whispers in Russo's ear again.
Russo: "Gawddamnit, we ain't Valium no mores. Now we's Da New Corporation!"
JR: "Oh baw GAWD, King!!! The Corporation has been reborn! This has spelled certain doom for the WWE!"
King: "I can't believe this... the new corporation? Ross, I hope we get to keep our jobs."
JR: "Well, if one of us has to lose our job, I just want you to know, that I hope it's you."
Mr. McMahon: "Now then, the first order of business for the New Corporation is to further punish and humiliate John Cena. Therefore, he will compete in a match tonight against none other than the man who defeated him last night.... Randy Orton. And that match will be for the WWE Championship!"
The crowd cheers.
Mr. McMahon: "Oh, but I forgot to mention something. You see... Randy Orton can use any weapons he wants, but if John Cena uses a weapon, he will be immediately disqualified."
JR: "That's not fair at all!"
John Cena emerges from backstage and makes a beeline for the ring.
Mr. McMahon: "Cena, don't you dare lay a finger on either one of us!"
Cena heads into the ring.
Mr. McMahon: "Damnit Cena, if you so much as breath on us you'll be FIRED."
Cena relents. He angrily grabs a microphone.
Vince & Vince: >_>
Cena: "I'm.... pretty pissed off right now." >:|
The crowd giggles at Cena's inability to make a believable angry face.
Cena: "First of all... ya got this New York-accent, tap-dancin' fairy named Vince Russo, who looks like he needs to concentrate on removing plastic dicks from his ass instead of costing me championship matches."
Russo: "I ain't gonna stand fo dis, Jawn Cena. You tink you can talk ta me like dat?"
Cena: "Shut the Hell up before I make you eat my boot."
Cena: "And then you've got the Chairman of the board, Mr. McScrotum. You know something, Vince? You may think you've won. I'm not the champion now. As a matter of fact, the title's around the waist of an emo little *****. But you've only won the battle. In the end, when the war is all over, the CHAMP... WILL... BE.... HEEYYYAAAR!"
Mr. McMahon: "Well I guess you'll just have to prove that tonight."
Cena: "Yeah, I guess I will."
Cena is about to leave when Randy Orton emerges from backstage.
Orton: "Enough of this! Enough! I won the WWE Title last night and I'm STILL being overshadowed by every little kid's hero... John Cena. I'm sick and tired of this CRAP. Cena, tonight I'm gonna end your little tirade once and for all. I'm going to END. YOUR. CAREER."
Cena: "Oh, here we go again. Mr. Pull-My-Finger's angry, everybody! I'd better watch out, or I might get kicked in the head by a coward. Let me tell you something, Randy. What happened last night proves one thing--"
Orton: "It proves I'm the new champion!"
Cena: "No, it proves that you can't beat me one on one. Tonight... I reclaim MY WWE Title!"
Orton: "That's it! This title is MINE! I outta come down there and slip the piss outta you, you little punk!"
Cena: "Randy, I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. If ya want some... COME GET SOME!"
Randy heads to the ring. As the two men are about to brawl, Mr. McMahon interferes.
Mr. McMahon: "Now just hold on a Goddamn minute! Cena, if you lay a finger on Orton before tonight's match-up, you will NEVER get another WWE Title opportunity. NEVER. So I'd back up and relax if I were you. But the same doesn't go... for Randy!"
Mr. McMahon and Russo hold Cena while Randy enters the ring. He delivers an RKO to Cena.
Mr. McMahon: "Hahaha! How do you like that, Cena, huh?! Do you regret slapping me in the face now?!"
Russo: "Dat was cold, Randy. Real cold. But I liked it. Ey, Vinnie Mac, I gots an idea for dere match tonight."
Mr. McMahon: "What would that be?"
Russo: "A Flaming-Circumcised-Sheep-on-a-Bamboo-Pole Match!"
Mr. McMahon: "Are you freakin' kidding me?"
Russo: "Ey, I was just kiddin'." >_>
John Cena will face Randy Orton for the WWE Championship later tonight. He has never faced so much animosity before. Will he overcome the Legend Killer, or will Mr. McMahon and Russo have something to do with the outcome? And what the HELL is wrong with Russo?! Stay tuned!
JR: "Welcome back everybody to a startling edition of Monday Night RAW! You know something, King? I hope Mr. McMahon and Vince Russo develop cancer!"
King: "Come on, Ross, that's not right..."
JR: "I hope they get an infestation of maggots in their goddamn CROTCH!"
JR: "A plague on BOTH their houses!"
Backstage, in Mr. McMahon's office...
Mr. McMahon: "Mr. Russo, I'd like to introduce you to our executive assistant, Jonathan Coachman."
Coach: "Nice to meet you, Mr. Russo."
Russo: "Eh, I wish I could say da same."
Mr. McMahon: "Now then, let's get down to business. We all know Cena somehow overcomes the odds every time they seem insurmountable. We've got to ensure that Cena does not win the WWE Title tonight."
Russo: "Ey, fuggedaboutit. I gots a fool-proof plan, my friend."
Coach: "What's your plan?"
Russo: "I don't tink I was talkin' to you, Jawn Coachman. Buzz off ya sack of crap."
Coach sorrowfully leaves Mr. McMahon's office...
Mr. McMahon: "So, what's your plan?"
Russo: "Well, we's gots to do is---"
The cameras cut away to Cena's dressing room before the plan is revealed...
Cena (to himself): "Those poopy heads. I'm gonna hurt them real good!"
Randy Orton walks in
Cena (in a deeper voice): "Ahem, what the Hell do you think you're doing in here?"
Orton does not say a word, and exits
Meanwhile... back at the commentator's table...
JR: "I hope they both get blood clots that travel to their heart! I hope they both get a brain aneurysm! I hope--"
King: "Ross, will you shut up, please!"
JR: "Don't you dare speak to me like that!!"
King: "I'll talk to you any goddamn way I please!"
JR: "You wanna start somethin', King?!"
King: "I've already started it Ross, and I'm gonna finish it!"
JR: "Oh, yeah?!"
JR swings at King, who ducks and connects with a right hand that knocks JR out.
King: "Hmm... that was easy."
The audience claps.
With Mr. McMahon and Russo conniving yet again, what is going to happen during the main event? And what of Orton's mysterious visit with Cena? What does he have planned for the former champ? Stay tuned!
We are back live at Monday Night RAW, and Jerry Lawler has just knocked JR on his ass. In other news, the main event WWE Championship match between Randy Orton and John Cena is coming up shortly. First, William Regal makes his way to the ring...
Regal: "Before the main event match-up between Randy Auhrton and John Cener commences, it is time for the newest addition to my splendidly popular game show series. Tonight, the game is a very special rendition of Jeopardy. Now, I would like to introduce to you all, the host of tonight's Jeopardy... Alex Trebek!"
Alex Trebek makes his way to the ring accompanied by the Jeopardy theme
King: "Alex Trebek?! Oh my God!"
JR: "The titular titan of trivia traveled here tonight!"
King: "Since when you speak in alliteration?"
JR: "Silence, you slimy, sacrilegious, sycophantic sot!"
Regal: "Now the contestants. First, he is undefeated thus far in the WWE, he is the monster.. Snitsky! Second, he's a man of very limited vocabulary... Ron Simmons! And finally--"
Santino's music hits
Santino: "I've-a had just enough of dis. Meester Regale, that buffoon Ron Simmons does not deserve the courtship of my byootiful Mah-ree-ah. I demand that he be removed from-a dis game, right now!"
Regal: "Santino, for the last time, I have no control over who the contestants are. But if you'd like to join, that's fine."
Trebek: "Welcome players, here are the categories for tonight's game: Have You Cena Nuff?; A Wrestler's "Job," note the quotation marks; Re-Matches; Fatasses; Indian Wrestlers Who Can't Wrestle; and CM Crunk."
Regal: "Let's start with the champion of the last few games, Ron Simmons."
Trebek: "Mr. Simmons, you must choose a category."
Regal (to Trebek): "He only says words that rhyme with 'damn.'"
Trebek: "Ah, I see. I'm sorry, Ron. Time's up. Santino, it's your pick."
Santino: "I choose-a Fatasses for $400, Bob!"
Trebek: "This is Jeopardy, not The Price Is Right."
Santino: "Oh, ha ha! I'm so confused."
Trebek: "Here's the clue. 'This superstar once competed as King Mabel, though now he makes his rounds in the realm of extreme.'"
Santino: "Oh, that-a is so easy! Big Daddy V!"
Trebek: "That is correct for $400!"
Santino: "His-a monstrous boobies are so ugly. Not-a like my Mah-ree-ahs wonderful breasts. They are so-a succulent and tasty. A ha!"
Snitsky: "You wanna know tasty? Tasty is licking the blood off your beaten opponent..."
Trebek: "That's it, I'm gettin' the **** outta here."
Trebek gets the **** outta dodge
Regal: "Well... I guess that means Santino is the winner!"
Santino: "Ahaha! I told-a you all I'd win! Stick that-a in your, how you say, pipe and smoke it, Ron! DAMN, that's cold! Haha!"
Simmons connects with the Dominator on Santino.
Ron leaves, and Snitsky sneers sexually at the broken body of Santino. Snitsky begins tweezing his nipples. Fans in the first three rows back up, and JR and King put on goggles. The lights go out, and "Let's Get It On" plays. A scream of displeasure from Santino echoes throughout the arena just before the cameras cut to commercial.
Good God, what has happened to poor Santino?! Regardless, the main event is up next! Will Cena and Randy even be able to concentrate after witnessing Snitsky rectally defacing an Italian Stallion? Stay tuned!
Welcome back to Monday Night RAW. The referees are cleaning some kind of whitish, sticky residue from the canvas. Strange... *Thinks about what happened between Snitsky and Santino earlier* Oh God that's ******** disgusting!
JR: "Ladies and gentlemen I have never seen any kind of rectal violating like that in my life! Well, except for that time in Ann Arbor..."
King: "Poor Santino..."
The main event is up next. John Cena makes his way to the ring, followed by Randy Orton.
Cena: "Before this match gets underway, I just wanna say one thing. Randy... I really don't like you."
The bell rings, and the brawl begins.
JR: "King, I can't imagine how irate Cena must be as of late. So many obstacles have been thrown in his path, and his unfathomable ability to overcome the odds has seemingly been nullified!"
King: "Thank God!"
Orton attempts a clothesline but Cena ducks and knocks down the Legend Killer with a shoulder block. Orton recovers and locks on a Headlock.
JR: "King, you always speak of Cena's repetitiveness in the ring, but what about Orton's?"
King: "Yeah, but... you see... alright, fine, you got me there." >:(
Ten minutes later, Cena attempts an F-U on Orton, who counters into a reverse DDT. He goes for the cover and Cena manages to kick out. Orton stays on him with another Headlock.
King: "I already admitted you were right, OK?!"
Orton goes for the RKO but Cena blocks it. He takes down Orton with a Drop Toe Hold and locks on the STF-U. Orton manages to get to the ropes and as Cena prepares for an F-U, he gets surprised with an RKO! Orton goes for the pin. 1... 2... Kick out!
King: "How the Hell did Cena kick out of that RKO?!"
JR: "That's about as likely as you staying celibate!"
King: "And about as likely as you getting a piece of ass." >:(
Orton goes for another RKO but Cena counters into an F-U! He goes for the pin. 1... 2... 3!
JR: "GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! John Cena has just won the WWE Championship!!!"
King: "I can't believe it, Ross!"
The crowd is going ecstatic and Cena is thrilled. Just then, Vince Russo emerges from backstage.
Russo: "Ey, Jawn Cena. You mighta tout you won dis match, but dat ain't da case. Da contract you signed fo dis match specifically states that you can only pin da Legend Killa by sitting on his chest. You failed to do dat, and now dis match continues!"
Cena turns around into an RKO. Orton gets the 1-2-3 and is declared the victor, retaining his WWE Championship.
JR: "This is absolutely loathsome! What kind of a messed-up, Goddamn illogical, fabricated contract was Cena forced to sign!?"
King: "Maybe he just failed to read the small print."
JR: "Are you suggesting Cena is an idiot?!!!"
King: "Oh, no, not at all." -_-
This is amazing! John Cena has apparently been screwed out of the WWE Title! What kind of repercussions will this have for Russo and Mr. McMahon? Will Cena manage to exact vengeance? Join us for the next edition of Monday Night RAW!
Chapter X: Birth of a New Corporation
Date: Monday, October 15, 2007
Last week on Monday Night RAW, the pusillanimous jackass known as Vince Russo screwed John Cena out of the WWE Championship. His reasoning that Cena breached an addendum of the contract was obviously a fabrication yet Cena still fell for it. Whether this proves that Russo is a conniving bastard, or that Cena is merely an idiotic dolt, remains to be seen. Regardless, tonight is sure to be a spectacular event...
JR: "Welcome ladies and gentlemen to an arousing edition of Monday Night RAW! I'll tell ya, my pants couldn't get any tighter! King, hand me the vasoline."
King: "What the Hell is wrong with you tonight, Ross?"
JR: "DAMNIT I SAID LUBE ME UP!"
John Cena's music hits and the former WWE Champion makes his way to the ring, accompanied by a cacophony of cheers, boos, lactating overweight Gothic chicks, and self-pleasing young boys. Cena attempts, without success, to ignore his most eclectic entourage of fans. He grabs a microphone, and prepares to startle the world with his piteous mic skills.
Cena: "All my life... I've had to overcome adversity."
Mixed reaction from the crowd."
Cena: "When I was born... my mother had to bear a child who was breach. And ever since that moment... that beautiful moment where I was saturated with her placental fluid... I've been overcoming the odds like no one else ever has!"
Cena: "VINCE RUSSO WILL SEE RAGE IN THESE EYES, HIS BLOOD WILL RUN WITH FEAR, HIS BONES WILL VIBRATE WITH VENGEANCE, HIS GOOCH WILL FEEL THE ITCH OF BEING SHAVEN, HIS NIPPLES WILL FEEL TWEEZED, AND HIS FRENULUM WILL FEEL VIOLATED!"
Vince Russo emerges from backstage and grabs a microphone.
Russo: "Ey, Jawn Cena, I dunno wat da Hell you're awn, buddy, but I want some o' it. You wanna punish me, ey? Well fuggedaboutit! You ain't eva gonna lay a single finga on me. But tonight, you're gonna compete in da most difficult match in your life. And da you know why, Jawn? 'Cuz I'm the new docta in town, and my prescription is pain."
Randy Orton's music hits, and the WWE Champion borrows the microphone from Russo.
Orton: "Now, Russo, I know you want to punish Cena tonight, and I don't blame you. But I have a proposal. You see, beating John Cena last week just wasn't enough for me. I want him to be out of my hair for good. So what I want tonight is John Cena, one on one, with me!"
Russo: "Well, I could do da fo you, Randy. But I've already got a good guy to get da job done."
Mr. Kennedy's music hits and much of the crowd is ecstatic.
Orton: "What the Hell is he doing out here?!"
Mr. Kennedy: "Shut your mouth, Randy."
Orton: "What'd you just say?!"
Mr. Kennedy: "Yeah, you heard me. Shut your mouth." >:-}
Russo: "Ey, ya know what? I gots an idea. Jawn Cena, it seems dat both of dese men wanna piece o' you, and it seems to me like you gots to calm down a bit. So, tonight, you Jawn Cena will take on both Randy Orton and Mista Kennedy!"
Cena: "Somehow I'm not surprised. No, really, I'm not. And 'do ya wanna know why,' Russo? Because you're nothin' but a power-hungry, whining, ***** lackey of Mr. McMahon."
"Ooooooh"s from the crowd.
Russo: "Ey, no one talks ta me like dat! Dat's it! I've had enuff! You just dug yoself a grave dat you ain't gonna climb out of, Jawn. Tonight, you're handicap match is now a no-DQ match! Lackey dat, you piece of gawbage!"
JR: "What in the Hell has Cena done to deserve any semblance of this punishment, King? This is absolutely heinous! He has to face Orton AND Mr. Kennedy in a No-DQ match!?"
King: "He'll probably win."
King: "He's Cena, Ross. He always wins."
JR: "I... I don't understand you, King. I don't know you one damn bit!"
King: "You know what? You're right, Ross. You're absolutely right! There's no conceivable way John Cena can overcome the odds tonight. They're too insurmountable for a human being."
JR: "Exactly my point!"
King: "But Cena's a goddamn Superman, Ross. GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE AND STOP PRAISING THE WASHED-UP PIECE OF ****!"
JR: "I've had enough of your CRAP!"
King: "Don't make me knock you on your ass again."
Meanwhile, backstage in Mr. McMahon's office...
Coach: "Sir, it seems like your business deal with Vince Russo has paid off."
Mr. McMahon: "Of course it has, Coach. You don't think I'd ever make a bad business decision, do you?"
Coach: "Of course not, sir. Never."
Mr. McMahon: "You damn right."
Mr. McMahon: "What did you just say?"
Coach: "Oh, nothing sir, Nothing."
Mr. McMahon: >_>
Russo walks in. Mr. McMahon embraces him, as Coach has a disgusted look on his face.
Russo: "Didja see da fool Jawn Cena out deya. Ha, what a goombah. Da jackass dat he is."
Mr. McMahon: "Congratulations on that announcement, tonight. John Cena VS Mr. Kennedy, my son, and Randy Orton in a No Disqualification match. I love it. Haha!"
The two hug once again.
Mr. McMahon: "What's wrong with you, Coach?"
Coach: "Well, to be honest, sir--"
Coach stands up and goes face-to-face with Russo.
Coach: "I don't trust this cockroach."
Mr. McMahon: "What the Hell did you just call my associate?!"
Russo: "Ey, no one calls me a cockroach and gets away wit it."
Coach: "What are you gonna do, Russo, huh? I'm your executive assistant, punk."
Mr. McMahon: "I'll tell ya what we're gonna do, Coach. YOOOUUUU'RE... FIRED."
Coach has a shocked look on his face. His countenance shifts from confusion to anger to despair to deliberation to vengeance in a matter of seconds. Coach exits the office and Mr. McMahon and Russo laugh. Cut to commercial...
We are back live at Monday Night RAW and William Regal, the General Manager of RAW, is walking around backstage. He runs into Santino Marella, once again. Santino is limping, holding his butt in pain.
Regal: "Oh, for god's sake, not this again."
Santino: "Meester Regale, I am-a sick and tired of a dis. I have a suggestion to end dis illogical fyood between-a you and-a me."
Regal: "Please enlighten me."
Santino: "Tonight, I am-a da special guest on Carlito's Cabana. I am going to issue a challenge-a to you. If you are da man dat you say you are, you will accept my challenge. Ha-ha!"
Meanwhile, in Orton's dressing room...
Orton begins to caress his thigh. Mr. Kennedy walks in and hears Orton grunting sexually.
Mr. Kennedy: "Whoa! What in the He--"
Orton: "Oh, uh, Mr. Kennedy, hi."
Orton pulls his knee pad back up.
Orton: >_> "Uh, I was just, uh.."
Kennedy: "Forgot it, man. I don't even wanna know. I just wanted to come here and make sure we're on the same page, alright? Are we cool?"
Orton: "Uh, yeah man, sure. I've got your back."
Kennedy: "I'm not so sure I want you to have my back now..."
Mr. Kennedy slowly backs away and exits Orton's dressing room.
Orton caresses his thigh. The cameras cut to commercial. When RAW comes back on, Tony Chimel announces that it's time for Carlito's Cabana!
Carlito's music hits and the cool resident of the Caribbean makes his way to the ring.
Carlito: "Welcome to the latest edition of... ~_~... Carlito's Cabana." :)
Cheers from the crowd.
Carlito: "Tonight Carlito has a very special guest. A man who hails from the beautiful country of Italy. A man who has a gorgeous girlfriend. A man who's got more wrestling talent in his little pinky than all of you idiots combined!"
Boos from the crowd.
Carlito: "Tonight, I introduce to you... Santino Marella!"
Santino's Theme: "Arriooooooo... Dalapeeeeaaaaaa... Mamammiaaaaaaa...."
Santino: "I thank-a you, Carlito. You are one of the only people to show class it this, how you say, crappy excuse for a country."
U-S-A chant breaks out.
Santino: "Yes, dats-a right, USA is da crappy country I am-a referring to. Ha-ha!"
Carlito: "Now, Santino. The entire world wants to know one thing. How good is Maria in bed?" :-D
Santino: "Oh, I'm-a tellin' you now, Carlito. Mah-ree-ah is such a bombshell in da, how you say, sack. Her curvaceous body makes my love nectar flow like the Ganges River. Her succulent breasts are reminiscent of the wonderful Carpathian mountains. Her pudenda has the splendid contour of-a da Yucatan Peninsula."
Carlito: "Wow, it seems as though Maria is quite the sexpot, eh?"
William Regal's music hits and a lot of the crowd surprisingly cheers for him.
Regal: "Santino, what right do you have to belittle poor Maria like that? How dare you speak of her with such defamation of her character?!"
Santino: "What-a are you talking about, you English mongrol!"
Regal: "Bloody Hell what did you just call me?! I'll make you feel like you've been hacked up with a bloody hatchet, ya miserable specimen!"
Santino: "Relax, Meester Regale, please. Listen, since you-a are out-a here, I want to issue a challenge to you. Later tonight, I want you to host the newest-a game show. If I win da game, Mr. DAMN cannot ever go near Mah-ree-ah again."
Regal: "What if you lose, you toerack?"
Santino: "I'll neva lose! Ha-ha!"
Regal: "If you lose, Santino, YOU can never go near Maria again. I'll see you later, Santino. You'd better prepare..."
Meanwhile, back in Mr. McMahon's office...
Mr. McMahon: "Can you believe the Coach? Damnit he deserved to get fired. That lousy, no-good ingrate was just in it for the money!"
Russo: "Das absolutely right, Vince. Now... what about my payment?"
The cameras cut to Coach, who is standing by the door to John Cena's dressing room. Coach takes a deep breath, and heads inside...
JR: "King, did you just see that?"
King: "Of course I did, Ross. I wonder what Coach wants with John Cena..."
Chimel: "Ladies and gentlemen, coming up next is the latest game show by the General Manager of RAW... William Regal!"
Regal makes his way to the ring, which has been decorated with a laptop screen and two swiveling chairs.
Regal: "San-ti-no, get your bloody hide out here this instant!"
King: "Wow, Regal sounds like Santino's parent. Who's your daddy!? Haha."
JR: "That wasn't funny, King."
King: "**** you, Ross."
JR: "How dare you?!"
Santino emerges from backstage and heads to the ring.
Santino: "Meester Regale, how can dees two chairs and a stupido computer screen keep Ron away from my beautiful Mah-ree-ah?"
Regal: "Fans across the globe, welcome to Who Wants To Be A Marianaire! Santino, I am going to ask you three questions. If you can answer all three of them correctly, Ron Simmons will be given a restraining ordah from Maria. However, if you do not get all three of them right, then that restraining ordah will be given to you."
Santino: "Das perfectly fine, Meester Regale. I shall win-a easily!"
Regal: "Now, you have three lifelines, Santino. You may phone a fellow wrestler backstage, you can delete two answers at once, and you can ask the audience. Now, here's the first question. Who did Hulk Hogan body slam at WrestleMania III?"
Santino: "Hmmm.... I tink I now dis one."
Regal: "WAIT FOR ME TO READ THE ANSWERS YOU MISERABLE SPECIMEN!"
Santino: "OK, geez!" O_o
Regal: "Is it (A): Bertha Faye; (B) Andre the Giant; (C) Your Momma; or (D) Little Tokyo."
Santino: "Hmm... dis is harder than I thought-a. Damn that goombah Hulk-a Hogan! Let's see... nobody could-a slam Bertha Faye, so is not A. My great-a memory seems to tell me dat Tokyo was a midgit. Where's the fame in body slammin' a midgit?"
Regal: "Get on with the damn answer, ya heathen!"
Santino: "Is either Andre le giant or my momma. I'm gonna have to call a wrestler in the back."
Santino: "Hmm... Matt-a Striker."
Matt appears on the Titantron.
Striker: "Santino, I'm pleased that you have selected me as a source for information. As we all know, my sagacity far surpasses that of any other individual. Therefore, the correct response to that question is B, Andre the Giant."
Santino: "Tank you-a very much, Meester Strika!"
Striker: "You are most welcome." :)
Regal: "That is correct, Santino. Here's the second question. What is the correct name for MVP's finisher? It is (A) The Playmaker; (B) The Dollhouse; (C) The Sweaty Balls In Your Face; or (D) The Twirling Smegma."
Perverted Fan in Audience: "Oh, Hell NAW!"
Santino: "I think I need to take away two wrong answers, Meester Regale."
Regal: "Very well, then. Is it The Playmaker or is it The Dollhouse?"
Santino: "Well, MVP is a, how you say, flamin' pinko ***, but I tink his finisher is called-a da Playmaker!"
Regal: "That's correct. If you get this next question right, the restraining ordah goes to Ron Simmons. Which of the following tag teams are not brothers? It is (A) The Brothers of Destruction; (B) The Dudleyz; (C) MVP & Matt Hardy; or (D) The Hardies."
Santino: "Aye, mamamia! Dis is-a da hardest one yet! I need to ask da audience."
Regal: "Everyone, I will read off an answer, and you scream if you think it's the correct one. The Brothers of Destruction!"
Regal: "The Dudleyz!"
Regal: "MVP & Matt Hardy!"
Little to no screaming.
Regal: "The Hardies!"
Santino: "Well, da Brothers of Destruction had da most response, so... I say dat dey are not really brothers!"
Regal: "No, I'm sorry Santino the correct answer was C."
The audience cracks up and Santino is irate. He attacks Regal, who retaliates and locks Santino into the Regal Stretch.
King: "It seems Santino's escapade with Maria is over, Ross!"
JR: "Regal jerkin' Santino off... uh, I mean he's jerkin' his neck!"
King: "Well, regardless, the main event is coming up next, everyone!"
The show goes to commercial. When we're back live, Snitsky is in the back, and he confronts Orton.
Orton: "What do you want?"
Snitsky: "I've seen you rub your legs, Randy."
Orton: "I don't know what you're talking about!" >_>
Snitsky: "Oh, yes you do. And I like to inflict pain. But I also like to receive pleasure." >:)
Orton: "Uhh... Snitsky?"
Snitsky: "Did you see what I did to Santino last week?"
Snitsky: "Wanna go for an encore?"
Orton runs off like a scalded dog.
Snitsky: "What did I say?"
Santino walks by. He sees Snitsky and makes a run for it.
Ron Simmons: "DAMN!"
Back in the arena...
Chimel: "Ladies and gentlemen, the following match-up is a No Disqualification Handicap match! Now, in this match, only Randy Orton and Mr. Kennedy may utilize weapons."
JR: "WHAT?! When was that ruling made?"
Chimel: "Furthermore, John Cena is barred from using his left leg in any way whatsoever."
King: "What's a little strange..."
The match begins and Cena is forced to limp, using his right leg to move around. Orton and Kennedy toy with him. Cena fights back with some rights hands but Orton and Kennedy continue to dominate him. They attack his right leg, slamming it against the ring posts, and stomping on it. Cena eventually cannot move at all, and continues to be annihilated. Mr. Kennedy lifts Cena up and Orton goes for the RKO. Cena ducks and Orton takes down Mr. Kennedy as well! Orton looks shocked and gets surprised with a Roll-up by Cena for the 1-2-3!
JR: "Cena's done it! BAH GAWD HE'S DONE IT!"
King: "What did I tell you, Ross? He's Goddamn Superman."
Russo emerges from backstage and tells the guys in the back to cut Cena's music.
Russo: "Ey, Jawn Cena. You mighta tout you win dis match, but da contract clearly stated dat you were not allowed ta blink during dis match-up. Therefore that victory is null and void, and dis match continues!"
Orton and Kennedy hit their finishers on Cena and pin him simultaneously.
JR: "This is disgusting! Revolting! Wrong! I'm sick! I'm gonna puke! GODDAMNIT IT! Has Vince Russo no SOUL?!"
Mr. Kennedy and Orton celebrate in the ring, and eventually head backstage. Russo remains at the entrance ramp, taunting Cena, screaming "Come on, Cena, get up!" Eventually Cena recovers and glares at Russo. Cena chases him and Russo hastily retreats to the back.
Cena: "Where are ya Russo!?"
Coach: "He's right here, Cena!"
The cameras turn to show Coach holding Russo hostage, allowing Cena to attack him.
JR: "Oh my God, has Coach sided with John Cena?!"
As Cena is about to land the F-U on Russo, Lashley takes him down with a Spear. He tosses Coach into some metal girding and plants Cena with a Dominator onto the concrete.
Russo: "Ey, Jawn Cena, let me introduce you to my new bodyguard... Bawby.... Lashley!"
JR: "Oh my sweet lord. This is a dark day in the wrestling world. Bobby Lashley has just sold his soul to Satan himself. God help us all..."
What a blockbuster event! The Coach has seemingly aligned himself with John Cena, but the New Corporation's power has just grown as Bobby Lashley is their brand new enforcer! What will Mr. Kennedy have to say about pinning Cena tonight? Does this propel him into the WWE Title hunt? With all these dynamic and explosive elements mixing together, something is bound to happen. Something's got to give! Business is certainly going to pick up! Tune in for the next cataclysmic edition of Monday... Night... RAW!
Chapter XI: Phantasmagoria
Date: Monday, October 22, 2007
Last week on Monday Night RAW, the world was shocked to discover that Jonathan Coachman has joined forces with John Cena, while Bobby Lashley has apparently become the appointed bodyguard of Vince Russo. With Cyber Sunday just six days away, what is going to happen with this combustible mix of elements? With Cena & Coach facing adversity from Orton, Lashley, Russo and Mr. McMahon, is there any hope of survival?
JR (whispering to King): "Pssst... King, look at my pants..."
Jerry Lawler looks down at JR's crotch
King: "What in the HELL?!"
JR (whispering): "Shhhh! I don't want anyone to know about this. What do you think it means?"
King: "It means you need to see a doctor, Ross. And quick."
JR (yelling): "Are you insinuating that just because my crotch has been infested with itchy little vermin that means THAT I DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE A DISEASE?!"
King: "Uh, Ross?"
King: "We're live."
JR: "Aw, ****."
The New Corporation, consisting of Lashley, Orton, Russo and Mr. McMahon, make their way to the ring accompanied by a deafening chorus of boos.
Mr. McMahon: "Last week... we took care of business! The Coach is no longer a thorn in my side, and John Cena's spirit has been broken. It's been crushed."
Russo: "Dat son of a goombah Cena gots ta learn dat I'm da new sheriff in tawn and he ain't gonna make it much fartha dan da county jail, if ya know whadimean."
Lashley (grabbing a microphone, and looking at the crowd): >:|
More booing. Ross is scratching his crotch vigorously.
King: "Ross, PLEASE do that when I'm not around!"
Lashley hands the microphone to Orton.
Orton: "Ya see, John. Mr. McMahon's music says it perfectly. You've got no chance... in Hell. You've got NO CHANCE IN HELL of winning back MY WWE Championship! Because tonight, the New Corporation has special plans for--"
Cena's music hits, and the former WWE Champ emerges from the back alongside Coachman
Cena: "You sissy ass little dick. You butt-sniffin' teletubby. You nipple-twisting, poop-in-a-pursing, jackin-off-to-rosie-o'donnell jackass!"
Orton: "...that was mean, Cena. Really. How could you sink so low?" :'(
Cena/Coach/Vince/Russo/Lashley/Ross/King/The Audience/You/Me/God: >_>
Cena: "Whatever in the Hell you're on, Orton, listen to me. I've got a partner now, and his name is Jonathan Coachman!"
Mr. McMahon: "BAHAHAHAHAH!!! If you honestly think Coach is a worthy partner, well--- BWAHAHAHAH!"
Cena: "Shut your mouth, jackass."
Mr. McMahon: ._.
Cena: "I've been trainin' the Coach all week, and he's now very skilled in the art of completely no-selling work done to him by opponents and totally killing any established psychology in a match."
King: "That sounds like Cena Training 101, alright."
Mr. McMahon: "That doesn't matter, Cena. It's still 4-on-2, the odds are in my fav---, what a minute. Sonofa*****, that means the odds are really in YOUR favor! Hmmm..."
Mr. McMahon: "Just you try and overcome the odds this time, you puerile idiot! You know, Cyber Sunday is this Sunday, and the fans get to choose the stipulation for each match. Tonight they're gonna get a taste of what's to come. You, John Cena, will face off against Triple H tonight. Whoever wins will face Orton for the WWE Championship at Cyber Sunday."
He looks at the crowd.
Mr. McMahon: "As for you idiots, you've got three choices. Cena VS HHH tonight will be a Special Guest Referee Match, a Special Enforcer Match, or a Special Guest Timekeeper. Vote on your cell phones now!"
Ross: "I think something's up..."
King: "Yeah, so do I..." O_o
Ross: "Not that, King!"
Later tonight The Game will face off against Cena for a shot at the WWE title. The stipulations seem to suggest that the New Corporation have something up their sleeve for Cena tonight. How will things pan out? Does JR need some lotion? Stay tuned!
We are back live on Monday Night RAW, and what an opening we've had. JR's got crabs, King is sickened, and Cena will face HHH later tonight!
King: "Really, Ross, I'd have that checked."
JR: "Yeah, I think I should. Is it supposed to be turning purple like that?"
King: "Hell no, man. See a friggin' doctor, now. Like right now."
Ross excuses himself and heads to the back.
King: "God, that's so nasty..." :-[
Mr. McMahon's office...
Russo: "Ey, Vinnie Mac, whaddaraya gonna do 'bout Jawn Cena tanight?"
Mr. McMahon: "Don't worry about it, partner. I've got it all taken care of..."
Orton: "To be honest, Mr. McMahon, I'm not too happy about having to face either one of these guys at Cyber Sunday."
Mr. McMahon: "You've got nothin' to worry about, Orton. Trust me."
Lashley: "What the--"
Mr. McMahon: "What is it, Bobby?"
Lashley: "Well... I just saw Batista walking through the hallway."
Mr. McMahon: "What's so strange about that?"
Lashley: "He wasn't wearing any pants."
Mr. McMahon: O_O
Russo: "Ey, da animal likes to go freeballin' around, what's wrong wit dat?"
Mr. McMahon: >_>
Russo: "Ey, I was jus' sayin'..."
Mr. McMahon catches up to Batista in the hallway.
Mr. McMahon: "Uh, excuse me, Batista?"
Batista: "What do you want?"
Mr. McMahon: <_< "Why aren't you wearing any clothes?"
Mr. McMahon: "You're not wearing any pants, damnit, and I wanna know why."
Batista looks down at himself.
Batista: "Holy ****, I'm not!"
Mr. McMahon: >_>
Batista: "Heh, who would've guessed? After all... underwear DOESN'T. HOLD. GRUDGES!"
Mr. McMahon: "No, I suppose they don't..." O_o
Back in Mr. McMahon's office
Orton: "What happened?"
Mr. McMahon: "Uhhh... nothing, never mind."
Lashley: "He says he's the Animal, and he wants a rematch. I say he's the Animal, and you've just seen his snatch."
Russo: "Ey, Bawby, do you always speak in rhyme?"
Lashley: "Why no, my good sir. Contrariwise, my vocabulary has always been preeminent and unparalleled. I also have a phenomenal grasp of grammar and a superlative command of syntax. I merely choose not to employ these gifts when I speak."
Mr. McMahon/Russo/Orton: @_@
The cameras cut to John Cena's dressing room. Triple H walks in.
Cena: "What's up, man?"
HHH: "I just wanted to tell you that I've got nothin' against you. We both hate Vince, and we both hate Orton. Let's just go out there and put on a great match, and whichever one of us gets to face Orton at Cyber Sunday better beat him."
Cena: "I'm with you, Trips. I'm with you all the way."
HHH: "Good. Oh, and one more thing."
HHH: "You'd better bring your 'A' Game."
Cena: "I always do."
HHH: "Heh... yeah..."
Back in Mr. McMahon's office...
Mr. McMahon: "Orton, what in the Hell are you doing?"
Orton: "Uhh, nothing."
Mr. McMahon: "Don't lie to me, you were just caressing your thigh!"
Orton: "Caressing my thigh, what are you talking about?!"
Mr. McMahon: "You were just MASSAGING YOUR LEG!"
Orton: "I was not!"
Orton: "I swear guys, he's lying!"
Russo: "Wut a freak..."
Lashley: "Let's get outta here, man."
Orton: "Come on, guys, he's just trying to make fun of me!"
Mr. McMahon, Russo and Lashley leave...
Orton caresses his thigh
What is going on here? Tonight seems to be swamped with strange goings-on and people acting differently. Are we entering the Twilight Zone? What's to come about with Cena VS Triple H? Does JR really have crabs? Find out when we return to Monday Night RAW!
We are back live on Monday Night RAW, and the world is reeling after seeing Batista without his pants on. The Animal has certainly been unleashed... anyway, um... oh yeah, the main event is coming up soon. But first the cameras cut to backstage, where Maria and Ron Simmons are walking around.
Maria: "Ron, I still don't know why Santino's been acting so mean lately, you know?"
Faarooq nods. Just then, Santino appears one hundred feet away and yells at Faarooq.
Santino (yelling): "Why you stupid-a little bastardo! Mah-ree-ah is mine you jerk! I shall reclaim my-a beautiful girl, and I shall make-a love to her like no man has ever made-a love to her before."
Santino grabs a nearby B.B. gun and begins firing pellets at Faarooq.
Faarooq and Maria run away, as Santino leaves, laughing heartily...
King: "Uh, that was kinda strange, don't you think, JR?"
JR: "King, that shampoo isn't working..."
King: -_- "Just... never mind..."
The time has come for John Cena VS Triple H. Which of these superstars will emerge victorious? Will it be the repetitive Cena or the burying Game? Let's find out!
JR: "King... I gotta be honest."
JR: "I don't have crabs."
King: "You don't?"
JR: "No, I just wanted you to be my friend again." :(
King: "Aww... Ross, I'll always be your friend." :)
JR and King embrace. A truly special moment. :' )
Meanwhile, John Cena makes his way to the ring.
Cena: "Vince Russo is like a vulture on speed dial man, he's just crackin' up da homies on the east side like you wouldn't believe. You tell him to phone da man, and he just sits eatin' corn fries. What a gavoon."
King: "What the Hell? Did any of that make sense to you, Ross?"
JR: "No, not at all."
Cena: "Now, Triple H. You may be porking Stephanie's pudenda, but I'm attacking her anus. And that means I got more to gain from this match than you. Hahaha monkeys flying with colorful rainbows!"
King: "I think Cena's on something, Ross..."
Vince Russo emerges
Russo: "Ey, Jawn, I gots some news for ya. Dat wattah bottle you guzzled down back deya had some special stuff mixed in. All complementary of me, Vince Russo. Ey, I hope dat da sodium bicarbonate tonic don't make ya go a little insane, ya goombah."
JR: "Good God almighty, they have spiked Cena's water! No matter he's talking like a crazed individual!"
King: "Actually, Ross, I enjoyed this promo more than his regular ones."
Triple H comes out to the ring and the match is about to begin.
HHH: "Cena, I know you're a little out of it, but let me say this: look up there!"
Cena looks up, which allows Triple H to kick him in the gut with a kick and follow it up with a Pedigree. Triple H gets the easy 1-2-3!
JR: "What in God's name is going on here!? This is ridiculous!"
Shane McMahon comes out to the ring and calls out the New Corporation.
Mr. McMahon: "Shane, what in the Hell are you doing here?"
Shane: "Dad, I thought your tirade was over. I hired John Cena back, and things returned to normal. Now you're bringing in Vince Russo of all people? Dad... what's wrong with you? Tonight's match was going to be a classic, and then you guys ruin it by drugging Cena. Well, guess what? Your idea to grant me executive powers is gonna bite you in the ass once again. Because at Cyber Sunday, Randy Orton will defend the WWE Championship against BOTH Triple H and John Cena in a Triple Threat match!"
Russo: "Ey, Shane-O-Mac, you might tink dat you gots da authority to do dat, but we gots do powah to make da stipulations for da match. Derefore, the fans get ta choose one of da followin' scenarios: No DQ match, Cage Match, or Rules of a Heron's Hymen match."
The cameras cut to backstage, where Randy Orton is sitting in his locker room, staring at the monitor. He has a look of indifference, then shakes his head and leaves...
In less than a week at Cyber Sunday, there will be a tremendous Triple Threat match with one of three amazing stipulations. Will Orton hold onto the title and aid the New Corporation's reign of terror, or will John Cena reclaim the WWE Title? What of Triple H? Will he use his borkstage powez to get the title? Stay tuned to find out!
Chapter XII: Cyber Sunday
Date: Sunday, October 28, 2007
Welcome to Cyber Sunday! Some very strange occurrences have taken place over the past couple of weeks, ranging from Batista roaming around backstage stark naked, to John Cena spouting off unintelligible promos (well, actually, that's not too uncommon for him...), to JR feigning a case of the crabs. Tonight the frivolity may end, when John Cena, Triple H and Randy Orton compete in a Triple Threat match for the WWE Championship. On this night, when the fans get to choose what happens, will there be any end to the insanity?
JR: "Whassup ladies and sacs, boys and racks! Tonight's the fasheezy Cyber Sunday! The triple threat match is gonna sizzle my nizzle, you better recognize, brotha!"
King: "...JR, why are you speaking in ebonics?"
JR: "Quit drinkin' that Haterade, King. I'm just gettin' down with my funky side, playa."
King: "Err... alright, that's fine by me. Tonight's all about having fun anyway, right?"
JR: "Fo'hizzy son!"
King: "You know, I've been thinking, JR, and Randy Orton doesn't seem too content with the New Corporation's method of handling business."
JR: "Nah, son, Orton's gonna fly outta dat stable like a lesbian from a bar fight."
King: "Alright, seriously, Ross. Cut that out."
JR: "Alright, I'm sorry, King."
King: "And please take off that ridiculous do-rag."
JR: "Aw, come on, King. I like it!"
King: "Ross, it's even more ridiculous than your cowboy hat."
JR: "Fine!" >:(
Suddenly the crowd erupts with laughter. JR and King are perplexed as to what's causing all the ruckus. Then, they look towards the Titantron and see Batista skipping around - naked.
King: "Whoa, I did NOT need to see that!"
JR: "The Animal apparently likes to go freeballing, King."
King: "Yeah, and it seems as though his monstrous muscles are compensating for something else, if you know what I mean."
JR: "Absolutely, Jerry. Batista's got more of a Vienna sausage than a German frank."
The cameras cut to backstage, where Mr. McMahon is watching the goings-on via a monitor. He calls Josh Grisham...
Mr. McMahon: "Grisham, I have no idea in Hell what's been causing Batista to go streaking around the arenas, but I want you to do something about it."
Mr. McMahon: "That's right, you! Go out there and make him stop. I've seen enough meat lately as it is."
Mr. McMahon: "Don't ask."
Bobby Lashley peeks his head through a nearby door and winks at Mr. McMahon.
Grisham: "Good advice, sir, I think I'll refrain from asking." O_o
Mr. McMahon: "Good, now go take care of Batista."
Grisham: "Yes, sir..."
Meanwhile, Batista heads through the crowd and out of sight. John Cena makes his way to the ring, hopefully to instill some normalcy into the evening. He grabs a microphone and looks incredibly disappointed.
Cena: "Last Monday, I was embarrassed, humiliated and mortified. My mind just wasn't in the right state of... err, mind. That son of a ewe Vince Russo spiked my water with some kinda aphrodisiac chemical. Well, he can do whatever he wants. That may have cost me the match against Triple H, but tonight my losing streak ends. Tonight, John Cena is going to reclaim the WWE Championship!"
Randy Orton interrupts
Orton: "Awww... boo-hoo! Somebody needs to get John Cena a Kleenex. What's the matter, Cena? Can't handle a loss every now and then? I knew you were always a sore loser, but this is just ridiculous. Why don't you go home and cry to mommy about it, huh?"
Cena: "You know what, Orton? You were a jackass the moment I saw you, and you're still a jackass. You'll be a jackass until the end of time. And by then, I'll STILL be the WWE Champion! And there ain't a DAMN thing you or anybody else can do about it!"
Triple H interrupts
HHH: "Guys, guys, relax. You're actin' like you've got a pineapple wedged in your ass-cracks. I mean, come on, neither of you two really think you're gonna win tonight, do you? I've waited long enough to take back my championship, and I'm gonna do it tonight."
Orton: "Who in the Hell do you think you are, Triple H?!"
HHH: "I think I'm the guy who's boning the boss's daughter, and thereby has a bit of pull backstage. So, if I wanted to take your title, I could do it whenever I wanted."
Orton: "Yeah? Then how come you allowed yourself to lose to Undertaker at WrestleMania X-Seven?"
HHH: "Are you kidding me? Even I wouldn't wanna piss off Mark in real life!"
Cena: "Will you two stop quibbling! This is about the WWE Championship, and how one of us three is going to walk away with it tonight. But I'll tell you this much, Orton, I don't know about Triple H and I can't speak for him, but I'm gonna do everything in my power tonight to make sure that YOU do NOT walk out with that title..."
As Orton is about to offer a rebuttal, the New Corporation (Vince McMahon, Vince Russo and Bobby Lashley) interrupt
Mr. McMahon: "Damnit Cena who do you think you ARE?! What makes you think that Orton's not gonna walk out with his title tonight, huh? You honestly think a pusillanimous insect such as yourself can win?"
Russo: "Ey, Jawn Cena, just fuggedaboutit. Dere ain't no way you's gonna win."
HHH: "Hey, Vince. Yeah, both Vinces. Why don't you remove your dicks from each other's ass and just sit back and watch the show?"
Mr. McMahon: "SHUT UP!"
HHH: "Oh, I'm scared now. Mr. McMahon just told me to shut up, I'd better listen."
Mr. McMahon: "If you don't shut your mouth right now, you will be pulled from the Triple Threat match tonight!"
HHH: "You wouldn't dare, you sonofa*****!"
Mr. McMahon: "THAT'S IT, TRIPLE H YOU ARE OUT OF THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH TONIGHT!"
JR: "Good God Almighty, I can't believe that! Triple H has just been removed from the Triple Threat main event match tonight!"
King: "Does that mean it's just Randy Orton VS John Cena for the nth time?!"
JR: "It would appear that way, King."
The New Corporation exits, as do Orton and Cena. Triple H is left in the ring, fuming over what has just transpired. For some reason, Londrick run out to the ring. They celebrate with Triple H but get beat down with a pair of Pedigrees. Meanwhile, backstage...
Grisham: "Excuse me, Batista!"
Batista: "What do you want!?"
Grisham: "Mr. McMahon has asked me to tell you that he will not put up with your streaking."
Batista: "What streaking?"
Grisham: "You mean you don't know that you're running around naked?"
Batista (looking down): "Holy crap, I AM naked!"
Grisham: "Uhh... yes, you are. And Mr. McMahon would like you to put some clothes on."
Batista: "Ha! No way, dude, this is so freeing! Why don't you try it with me?"
Grisham: "No, I don't think so."
Batista: "...I said try it with me."
Grisham: "I'll have to pass, but thanks for the offer."
Batista: "NUDITY DOESN'T. HOLD. GRUDGES!"
Batista beats down Grisham. Meanwhile, at another area of the arena, Santino is seen sneaking around with a slingshot.
Regal: "Santino, what in the blazes are you doing?"
Santino: "Meester Regale, this-a has nothing to do with-a you."
Regal shakes his head and wanders off. The cameras cut to John Cena's lockerroom, where the former champ is having a conversation with The Coach.
Cena: "Can you believe what happened out there, Coach?"
Coach: "Mr. McMahon's gone off the deep end, Cena. I mean, really. But, what he did actually helped you."
Cena: "What do you mean?"
Coach: "Well, now it's just you and Orton."
Coach: "...It's no longer a Triple Threat match."
Cena: "And, that makes it easier for me... how?"
Coach: "See... in a Triple Threat match your chances of winning are one in three, but if it's just you and Orton, you've got a 50% chance!"
Cena: "Oh! I get it! Yeah, you're right. Wow, well Vince actually just helped us out, eh? Sweet..."
William Regal enters Cena's locker room...
Cena: "What do you want, Regal?"
Regal: "Easy, Cener. Listen, I've spent a lot of time contemplating my position here on RAW, and I've realized that I've been given the short end of the stick, you might say. Ever since the New Corporation has started, I've been given nothing to do."
Cena: "So what do you want from us?"
Regal: "I've come here because I want to join forces with you."
Cena (to Coach): "Do you think we can trust him?"
Coach: "Well, Cena, he IS crossing his fingers..."
Cena: "I agree, Coach. Regal, welcome to the team!"
Regal: "So, what are your plans for tonight's match, Cener?"
Cena: "Well, we all know that the New Corporation always has some stupid bull**** reason to cost me the match, so tonight we're gonna give them a taste of their own medicine. I'm gonna 'accidentally' hit the ref, then Coach is gonna hit Randy with a chair. That outta give me the victory!"
Regal: "Oh, you sly devil, you... Listen, I've gotta go take care of some business, OK?"
Cena: "Sure, I'll see you later."
Coach: "Uh, Cena... do you think it was wise to just give away our M.O.?"
Cena: "...Musty... Octopus?"
Coach: "*sigh* Modus Operandi, Cena. I don't think it was smart to tell him our plans."
Cena: "Don't worry about it, Coach. It'll be fine..."
Meanwhile, Batista is continuing to run around naked backstage. Suddenly, Snitsky steps in his path.
Snitsky: "Hi Batista." >:-D
Batista: "Uh, hey there Snitsky."
Snitsky: "I see you're naked."
Batista: "Uh, yeah, I am. I see you're naked, too."
Snitsky: "Would you like to play tag with me?"
Batista: "Sorry, Snitsky, uhh... I have a meeting with a, uh, er, network executive... yeah, that's it!"
Snitsky: "Oh, alright..." >:(
The cameras cut to Maria and Ron Simmons, who are walking around backstage. Suddenly a pebble hits Ron in the face.
Maria: "Ron, what was that?"
Santino (far away): "Ha-ha!"
Maria (squinting): "Santino, is that you?"
Santino: "Mah-ree-ah, you shall-a be mine before da night is over. Aha!"
The cameras cut to Vince's office. William Regal enters...
Mr. McMahon: "Ah, Regal. Has the New Corporation's snitch discovered any useful information?"
Regal: "Yes, sir, I did. It seems John Cener and the Coach are planning on knocking out the referee and attacking Auhrton with a steel chair."
Russo: "Dem sneaky bahstards."
Bobby: "You say your name is Regal, and you love--"
Regal: "Shut up, ya heathen!"
Bobby: "Geez, I was just playin..." V_V
Mr. McMahon: "Alright, here's what we'll do, Regal. When they attack Orton with a chair, Lashley will run down and give Cena the Dominator, then you follow and hit Coach with your brass knuckles."
Regal: "You mean my Power of the Punch."
Mr. McMahon: "...yeah."
Regal: "Alright, I won't let you down."
The cameras cut back to Batista, who is still running around naked. Londrick catch up to him and begin to celebrate, but Batista destroys both of them with a Batista Bomb.
JR: "King, the destruction tonight is overwhelming! Londrick has been destroyed by Triple H and Batista! I mean... why? What have they done to deserve this?"
King: "I don't know, Ross, but I really hope someone stops Batista soon. I'm gettin' really nauseous seein' his schlong flop around like that. Oh, god--*gurgle*"
Carlito's music hits and the crowd erupts into cheers.
JR: "Finally! An in-ring segment after about an hour of backstage vignettes!"
Carlito: "Welcome to a very special edition of... Carlito's Cabana. Tonight's guest has been on the Cabana two times in the past, but I like him so much I asked him to come back. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back... Santino!"
Santino: "Thank-a you, Meester Carlito. I want to say that-a dis restraining order is a, how you say, horse****. My Mah-ree-ah is somebody who can-a only be loved-a by me. Not dat flake named Faarooq-a. So, I want-a Meester McMahon to-a take away--"
Umaga's music hits and the Samoan Bulldozer heads towards the ring.
Santino: "Hey, what-a is dat savage doing out-a here!? I didn't ask you to-a come out-a here, Umaga, you need to leave. Don't come-a closer, I'll have to--"
Umaga grabs Santino by the throat before tossing him into the turnbuckle. He connects with a savate kick and then his running butt bump. He connects with a Samoan Spike and tosses Santino out of the ring.
Carlito: "Wow... that is some destruction, Umag--"
Umaga destroys Carlito in similar fashion. He then tears apart the set of Carlito's Cabana. Just then, Londrick run into the ring and celebrate with Umaga, who responds by annihilating both of them.
JR: "I can't believe tonight's events, King. This is chaos!"
King: "Yeah, it really is. Oh well, at least we're not in the middle of it, right?"
It's almost time for the main event, but William Regal makes his way to the ring and declares that he wants another game show before the title match. Just then, Naked Batista makes his way to the ring.
Regal: "What in the bloody hell is this?!"
Batista: "I want to play a game."
Regal: "Get away from me, ya heathen!"
Batista: "I want to play... Catch The Naked Animal!"
Regal: "Are you mad? Bugger off, you!"
Batista chases Regal out of the ring. He begs for someone to play with him. Just then, Hornswoggle pops out from under the ring and begins to run after Batista. The two play Catch The Naked Animal until the end of the night, and live happily ever after.
Chimel: "Ladies and Gentlemen, it is now time for the WWE Championship match! Making his way to the ring, from West Newbury, Massachusetts, weighing in at a steroid-induced 240 lbs... John Cena! And his opponent, he's the WWE Champion... Randy Orton!"
Coach accompanies Cena to the ring and watches the match from ringside. About ten minutes in, Cena attempts to lock on the STF-U, but Orton fights out of it. Orton goes for an RKO but Cena counters and shoves him into the ref. Cena gives Coach the nod. Coach grabs a chair and hits Orton over the head with it. Just then, Lashley comes out and plants Cena with the Dominator, while Regal takes care of Coach. Lashley places Orton's limp body over Cena and drags the referee over. 1... 2... 3!
JR: "Damnit! DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT!"
Mr. McMahon and Mr. Russo come out and beat down Coach and Cena, alongside Regal and Lashley. Just then, Triple H makes the save and helps Cena & Coach fight off the New Corporation.
HHH: "Hey, New Corporation asses! In case you haven't noticed, Cena & Coach just found themselves a new ally!"
Just then, Mr. Kennedy emerges and declares that he is the newest member of the Corporation, and they will continue to dominate Cena and any of his affiliates.
JR: "Baw GAWD, KANG! It's now Cena, Triple H and Coach united!"
King: "Yeah, but they still have to contend with Mr. McMahon, Russo, Lashley, Orton and Mr. Kennedy!"
Mr. McMahon: "Oh, and don't worry about getting a WWE Title shot for awhile, Cena. That goes for you too, HHH. Because the newest No. 1 contender for the WWE Title is my son, Mr. Kennedy.... KENNEDY!"
Orton gives Mr. McMahon and Mr. Kennedy a look of disapproval, but ultimately says nothing. Tension seems to be building in the New Corporation. Is dissension a possibility?
Orton (under his breath): "...You've brought this onto yourself..."
What a blockbuster event! Orton has retained the WWE Championship and Triple H has joined forces with John Cena and Coach. With Mr. Kennedy joining the New Corporation and apparently challenging Orton for the title, it seems a monkey wrench has been thrown into the works. What is going to happen? Tune in tomorrow night for Monday Night RAW!
Chapter XIII: Conversion
Date: Monday, October 29, 2007
Last night at Cyber Sunday, things came to a head (no, I am not talking about Stephanie's orifices). Early in the night, Triple H deprecated Mr. McMahon's character in usual fashion but paid for it when he was extricated from the Triple Threat WWE Championship main event! Regal fooled Cena into thinking he was an ally, and managed to get the inept Cena to reveal his battle plans for the title match. Regal hastily revealed this information to his New Corporation cronies, leading to Lashley and Regal interfering during the match on Orton's behalf. When all was said and done, Triple H had united with Cena and Coach, while Mr. Kennedy returned and announced his allegiance to the New Corporation, as well as his aspirations to become the WWE Champion. Tension seems to be building between Orton and his stable of bad guys (remember, we can't call them heels because Ric Flair said we're not allowed). Tonight is sure to be a blockbuster!
King: "Uh, JR, aren't you going to open the show?"
JR: "...oh, yes, I suppose I should..."
JR: "Welcome... tonight's another... *sigh*... rousing edition of Monday Night Raw..." *sob*
King: "What's wrong, Ross?"
JR: "Cena... he... the title..."
King: "Yeah, I know, he lost the title match. It's not that big of a deal, is it?"
JR: "To you it may not be, but to me it means the world! Ever since I was a young lad growing up on the farms of Saskatchewan, rubbing BBQ sauce on my nipples and dancing to the tune of the Fiddle and the Spoon, I've wanted to become a part of this business and witness the rise of a star. I thought this would happen with Giant Gonzalez, but the poor bastard couldn't manage to make a chop look threatening. Then I thought, "Hey, this Jean-Paul Levesque guy could be great," but then he broke my arm. Then Cena came along, and he became my hero. My savior. My idol. John Cena is more than a professional wrestler, King, he's the embodiment of resiliency. But now it seems like he'll never regain the WWE Title, and my life just has no meaning anymore. Oh, my romantic life has passed its peak, take me out to the pasture and shoot me, BAH GAWD!"
King: "Ross, don't you think you're taking this just a *little* bit hard?"
JR: "NEVER MENTION 'HARD' AROUND ME AGAIN YOU SICK SON OF A *****!"
King: "Holy crap, geez, ok, I'm sorry." O_o
John Cena makes his way to the ring, accompanied by the Coach. There appears to be a graceful quality to his seemingly spastic arm movements, as if an inebriated sloth somewhere lost its father.
Cena: "No more excuses."
Mixed reaction from the crowd.
Cena: "I know what you fans think of me, and I don't blame you."
More of a mixed reaction.
Cena: "I always come out here week after week and spout off some cheesy-ass promo where I call my opponent a ham sammich or a finger-in-the-ass flamer. I come up with excuses whenever I lose a match, and conveniently ignore the fact that I cheated during a match if I did win it. I make my opponent's credibility flush down the drain, and bore all of you with repetitive moves. Well, that ends tonight."
Again, a mixed reaction.
Cena: "I'm sick and tired of resorting to childish insults to get my points across. From now on my actions are gonna speak louder than words, and that means I am the Corporation's worst... NIGHTMARE!"
Slightly more cheers this time.
Cena: "I will stop at nothing to beat the **** out of each and every member of that goddamned faction! I will live each and every day with the same goal: to make their lives a living HELL! They've got no idea what's in store for them, because John Cena is COMING!"
The fabric of space-time tears and Cena gets cheered by the majority of the crowd.
Cena: "I would like to single out one individual, in particular though. Someone who came to my aid last night. Now, Mr. McMahon can try to come up with a clever nickname for his group, but now he's got to contend with a new stable. Please welcome the newest member of the Throng: Triple H!"
Triple H makes his way to the ring.
HHH: "Heated promo there, Champ."
Cena: "Thanks." :)
HHH: "I disagree with one thing, though. Ya see, I can never get tired of makin' fun of Vince, I mean the man's got testicles that could easily win a prune lookalike contest! His daughter's a whore, his wife's a meddling crone, one of his sons hops around like he's got potatoes in his crack--"
Somewhere off in Japan...
Brock Lesnar: "DAMN!"
Back in America...
HHH: "...and his other son's got OCD! But, you're right, the New Corporation has got some serious ass competition now that we've joined forces. And I think you'll agree with me that tonight we should take them out once and for--"
Orton interrupts the Throng's get-together, and the crowd boos him tremendously.
Orton: "Guys, guys, guys. I can understand you're anger, but don't take it out on the Corporation. No... you see John I know you're upset, but I can solve that problem for you. Ya see, I know that my victory last night wasn't clean, and I want to give you another shot... tonight. Tonight John Cena I propose you against me in a WWE Championship Match with No Disqualification!"
Cena: "Oh-ho, well Randy I've got one thing to tell ya, you're--"
Mr. McMahon, Vince Russo & Mr. Kennedy interrupt.
Mr. McMahon: "Cut off Cena's damn mic! Randy, I've got one thing to tell ya, and that's that there's no way in HELL you are defending that title against John Cena tonight."
Mr. McMahon: "That wouldn't wise for business decisions, ok?"
Orton is visibly upset, but bites his tongue.
Mr. McMahon: "No, I've got a better idea for tonight's main event. We're gonna have ourselves a good old tag team match! It's gonna be Randy Orton and my son, Mr. Kennedy against John Cena and Triple H!"
Orton: "Vince, what the Hell are you talking about? I wanna defend my title toni--"
Mr. McMahon: "Orton, don't interrupt me."
Orton turns away and can be seen grinding his teeth.
Mr. McMahon: "Now, if Orton and my son defeat you two bastards in the ring, Mr. Kennedy will face Orton for the WWE Championship right here next week."
Mr. McMahon: "But if you two win, Cena and Triple H, then next week you two will face off, and the winner of that match will take on Randy for the WWE Title the following Monday Night RAW. Oh, and by the way, this match-up tonight will be No Disqualification. Have a good night!"
Russo: "Ey, Jawn Cena, dat sounds like da end of da road for you, ya goombah!"
Mr. Kennedy: "Ladies and gentlemen... introducing your future WWE Champion... MISTERRRRRRRR KEN-NE-DAY!"
Mr. Kennedy: "KEN-NE-DAY!"
Mr. Kennedy, Russo and Mr. McMahon exit. Orton remains on the ramp for a few moments, staring back at Cena, HHH and Coach in the ring. He nods and heads backstage.
JR: "What an amazing way to kick-off RAW tonight, King! I don't know if even Orton and Mr. Kennedy can defeat the coalition of John Cena and Triple H!"
King: "You're right, I mean that's TWO people who squash their opponents, there's no hope for survival for Orton and Kennedy!"
JR: "Well, we gotta keep in mind that it's No DQ, and the New Corporation always has some way to ensure victory."
King: "That's right, Ross."
JR: "...Well." >_>
JR: "Could you hand me the vasoline?"
Incredible! Regardless of who wins the tag team match tonight, there will be a WWE Championship match headlining either one of the next two RAWs! Who will enter the title picture? Will it be the watered-down version of the Game? The newly Austin-esque Cena? Mr. McMahon's son? Stay tuned to find out! (As for JR's obsession with vasoline, don't ask. No, seriously, don't ask. You don't wanna know. O_O)
We are back live at Monday Night RAW and... whoa, what the ****, JR?! O_O
...Anyway, the cameras cut to backstage where the New Corporation is meeting in Mr. McMahon's office.
Mr. McMahon: "Let's get down to business. Orton, since tonight's match is no DQ, we're gonna have Lashley interfere on your behalf, and then--"
Orton: "Wait, why?"
Mr. McMahon: "What do you mean, why?"
Orton: "Mr. Kennedy and I can take care of Cena and HHH by ourselves, I mean--"
Mr. McMahon: "Don't you dare contradict me! Lashley is interfering and that's that. Now then, he's gonna grab a chair and hit Cena and Triple H over the head, all you gotta do at that point is go for the pin, alright?"
Orton: "Yeah, sure..."
Mr. Kennedy whispers in Mr. McMahon's ear.
Mr. McMahon: "Actually, let's have Mr. Kennedy get the pin."
Orton: "Why can't I get the pin?"
Mr. McMahon: "Randy, my son is getting the win, and that's that. Understood?"
Orton: "No, this is bullcrap. I want to get the victory, not your ass-kissing son!"
Mr. Kennedy: "What the Hell did you just call me?!"
Mr. McMahon: "That's enough, damnit! Orton, don't make me strip you of the title like I did with Cena, alright? Lashley's interfering and Mr. Kennedy's getting the victory, and THAT'S FINAL."
Orton: *sigh* "...yes, sir."
Orton leaves and slams the door behind him.
Mr. McMahon: "He's just got some authority issues..."
Russo: "Dat cat gawts no respect for da bawsses."
Londrick get beat up.
JR: "Well, it seems as though Orton's joining with the New Corporation isn't exactly going as planned, King."
King: "Yeah, this is pretty interesting."
JR: "Well, coming up next is a special game show, but it's not hosted by Regal, it's going to be hosted by none other than Santino Marella!"
Santino makes his way to the ring.
Santino: "A-ha! Ladies and-a gentlegerms, toonight I get to-a play da game... la game... of amore, a-ha! Da rules of-a tonight's game is a, how you say, as easy as Paris Hilton."
Ooooooh from the crowd.
Santino: "Da first diva to-a... "toot my horn" is-a da winner. Now, introducing-a first--"
Before Santino can finish his introduction, Batista runs out to the ring, naked.
Santino: "What in all of-a Rome are you doing out-a here? You look-a like, how you say, Clinton after a slumber partay. You get-a outta here right now!"
Batista: "Bill DOESN'T. HOLD. GRUDGES!"
Batista demolishes Santino and exits.
King: "Uhh... so much for the game show, Ross."
JR: "Good God Almighty look at the size of Batista's schlong!"
JR: "It's got more veins than his arms!"
When will Batista's mad streaking end? And what of Orton's growing dissension from the New Corporation? Will things come to a head tonight? We'll have to wait and find out! Stay Tuned!
Welcome back to Monday Night RAW. It's almost time for the main event, and Josh Grisham is wandering around backstage searching for the Throng to get some thoughts before the match. Just then, he begins to hear generic music...
Grisham: "What the Heck is that?" >_>
Cody Rhodes walks by.
Grisham: "Oh, alright, back to searching for the Throng..."
Cena, HHH and Coach walk by.
Grisham: "Excuse me, Throng, can I get some thoughts on your tag team match coming up next?"
Naked Batista runs up to Grisham.
Batista: "I'll give you some thoughts!"
Grisham: "No thanks, Batista, that won't be necessary."
Batista: "SMEGMA DOESN'T. HOLD. GRUDGES!"
Grisham: "Oh my god get that gunk away from me!!!"
Grisham forever smells like rotted cheese.
JR: "The tag team match is coming up next, BAH GAWD!"
The Throng comes out to the ring, followed by Orton and Mr. Kennedy.
King: "Ready, JR? This is it!"
JR: "I... I can't believe it, I my god King hold my dick!"
JR: "I SAID CARESS MY TALLYWHACKER!"
King slowly backs away...
JR: "Hahaha! King, I was just kidding.." >_>
Mr. Kennedy and Triple H start things off. The Game delivers a series of punches followed by ramming Mr. Kennedy's head into the turnbuckle. Mr. Kennedy retaliates with a hard Clothesline followed by a Buffalo Sleeper. He tags in Orton (who gets a mixed reaction), who stays on HHH with a Sleeper Hold. Several stomps later, The Game comes back with a Spinebuster. He tags in Cena, who goes to work on Orton and displays a newly-augmented moveset. Cena delivers a Backbreaker to Orton followed by a Back Body Drop and a Tilt-a-Whirl Driver. Orton manages to retaliate with a beautiful Dropkick followed by a Headlock Takedown. He tags in Mr. Kennedy.
JR: "Good Gawd this is amazing action. It's intense, this is OFF THE PAGE INTENSE!"
King: "Relax, dude..."
Mr. Kennedy delivers an Atomic Drop to Cena followed by a diving elbow from the second turnbuckle. He goes for the pin and Cena kicks out. Cena fights back with a Bulldog followed by a Double Underhook Suplex and a Vertical Suplex. He plants Mr. Kennedy with a Protoplex and tags in the fresh HHH. The Game takes down Mr. Kennedy with a high knee strike followed by a face-knee smash. He goes for the Pedigree but Mr. Kennedy counters into a Back Body Drop. Orton enters the ring but Cena does so as well and the two battle to the outside. Orton whips Cena into the steel steps and takes him out. In the ring, HHH plants Mr. Kennedy with a Spinebuster and then a Pedigree. As he goes for the cover, Lashley runs out with a chair and whacks him over the head.
JR: "What in the Hell is this?! This is BULL****!"
King: "Well, it IS No DQ, JR..."
Lashley leaves and on his way out tells Orton to get the pin. Orton runs into the ring and goes for the pin. 1... 2... Orton stops the pin and stands up, sneering at the downed Mr. Kennedy. He reaches under the ring and grabs a steel chair, wailing Mr. Kennedy over the head. Triple H groggily gets back to his feet. Orton gets the sledgehammer from under the ring and hands it to Triple H, telling him to put Mr. Kennedy away. HHH does so and gets the 1-2-3!
JR: "What in the world is going on here?! Orton just threw the match! Has he terminated his alliance with the New Corporation? Oh My god alfjauwo *orgasm*"
Orton grabs a mic.
Orton: "Hey, Vince! You think you can control Randy Orton? Well think again, you senile bastard! The Legend Killer follows no one, and the legend of the Corporation will be buried once and for all! The Throng has just got themselves a fourth member! ME!"
JR: "I can't believe this! Oh My god this is the biggest night in professional wrestling history! It's now the New Corporation, Mr. McMahon, Vince Russo, Bobby Lashley and Mr. Kennedy, against the Throng, John Cena, Triple H, Randy Orton and the Coach! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!"
Amazing! Randy Orton has allied himself with the Throng! The odds are now even, at 4-on-4! Next week Triple H and John Cena will face each other to determine the No. 1 contender for the WWE Title! What will the New Corporation have to say about this? Tune in next week to find out!
Chapter XIV: Writing on the Wall
Date: Monday, November 5, 2007
Last week on Monday Night RAW, the world was shocked when Randy Orton turned on the New Corporation and joined the Throng. Tonight's main event will see John Cena take on one of his own partners, Triple H, to determine who will face their other partner, Randy Orton, for the WWE Championship next week on RAW. With tonight's show primarily focusing on the Throng, what will the New Corporation have to say? Will Bobby Lashley continue to speak in tongues? Will Russo finally drop his ridiculous accent? The only thing that is certain is this: a war has begun. A war that is far, far from over...
JR: "King, I'm still in shock as to what transpired last week on RAW. Randy Orton has seemingly grown sick of the New Corporation's manner of handling business. Sort of like how a certain somebody is refusing to handle my johnson." >:-(
King: "Ross, seriously. We're friends, and that's it."
JR: "Oh, great! The 'just friends' speech! I might as well forget about banging you now!"
King: "What in the HELL is wrong with you, man?"
JR: "I'm sorry, King, it's just that all these explosions and battles are making me horny."
King: "Yeah, well, just play with yourself, then. Don't try to drag me into your freakish world of masochistic sexuality."
JR: "...I said I was sorry." :-(
King: "Fine, you're forgiven."
JR: "Do you think you could straddle my--"
King: "SHUT UP!"
The Throng make their way to the ring, accompanied by their brand new theme music: Unforgiven by Metallica. John Cena appears to be reverting back to his original style: he is donning black jeans shorts with a jersey and walking like a badass (but a strangely warped one). He grabs a microphone and acts as though he is about to begin speaking, but instead hands it to Orton.
Orton: "Last week.... the New Corporation learned a painful lesson. And that lesson is this: the Legend Killer cannot be restrained. You try to tame the Legend Killer, and all that happens is you make him furious and you end up paying for it. Now Mr. McMahon may think that he can hide behind his ass-kissin' son and steroid-poppin' bodyguard, but he's got another thing coming. The Throng will not rest until Vince McMahon gets his ass kicked!"
Cena: "Ya see, Vince, you can try all you want to recruit new members for your 'New Corporation.' But the bottom line is that you try to run their lives, and that costs you. The Throng has grown stronger, while your corporation is dwindling away, piece by piece. There is nothing you can do to stop us, you white-ass ghetto *****!"
HHH: "Ya know somethin', Vinnie Mac, tonight is our night. Cena and myself are gonna go at it tonight, and the better man is gonna face this man - Randy Orton - for the WWE Title next week right here on RAW, and I bet that eats you up, Vince. I bet you can't STAND the fact that tonight is all about... The Throng!"
Coach: "And I know what you're thinkin', "Boss." You're thinkin' that I'm just a peripheral addition to the Throng, well guess what? You're dead wrong! Thanks to you constantly sharing your 'genius' ideas with me, I've informed all three of these talented individuals of how your mind works, so while you're continuing to come up with new ideas, I'll be feeding them into the minds of the Throng. We are going to take you down one step at a time!"
All: "Because we are..."
Orton: "The Legend Killer!"
Cena: "The Doctor of Thuganomics!"
HHH: "The King of Kings!"
Coach: "The Coach!"
All: "We are... The Throng!"
The New Corporation emerge from backstage, accompanied by THEIR new theme song: Lady in Red by Chris de Burgh. Russo grabs a microphone and the crowd automatically begins to boo him.
Russo: "Ey, shaddup ya pieces o' crap! Ahm tryin' ta talk heya! Jawn Cena, you tink dat just cuz youz gonna face da video game tonight, that tonight is all about you? Well tink again ya flamin' goombah! We's gots a surprise for yas, but we ain't gonna tells ya what it is."
Mr. McMahon: "Ya see, Throng, the New Corporation has much more power than you even realize. You may think you're gaining momentum, but we are always in control. We are... ALWAYS... in control! Do you hear me? Look at me when I talk to you, you white trash, Eminem-wannaba mother******! We are going to annihilate you ALL!"
Mr. Kennedy: "Ya see, Orton, you and your buddies pissed off my dad, and that's not something you wanna do, oh no. Hell hath no fury like the wrath of a McMahon! The main event may be about you guys tonight, but come next week, you're gonna wish you were never born..."
Lashley: "You say you're the Throng, and we're falling apart. I say you're the Throng, and you're just a popcorn fart!"
Mr. McMahon: >_>
Lashley: "What? Everyone liked it when the Rock said it!"
Mr. McMahon: "Whatever... Throng, you keep this in mind. Your time... is drawing near."
The New Corporation exit, while the Throng speak amongst themselves as to what that cryptic message may mean for them.
JR: "This is unbelievable, King! The New Corporation seems to have something else up its sleeves! What could they possibly be planning?"
King: "I have no earthly idea, JR, but I know one thing."
King: "Well what?"
JR: "What's the one thing you know?"
King: "Oh! Umm... that baboons have pink butts."
It seems as though the Throng will need to watch their backs tonight. What does Mr. McMahon and his partner, Vince Russo, have in store for Cena and his comrades? Is Beth Phoenix a Super Sayain? Is it true that whoever smelt it, dealt it? Stay tuned to find out!
Welcome back to Monday Night RAW. Tonight John Cena and Triple H will face off, much to the dismay of the New Corporation. The cameras cut to Mr. McMahon's office, where he is conniving with Russo, Mr. Kennedy and Lashley.
Mr. McMahon: "Alright... we've got enough problems with Orton as the WWE Champion. If Cena or HHH get a victory tonight, that'll launch them into the title hunt and push us back even further. So... we can't allow that to happen. Any suggestions?"
Russo: "I's gots a suggestion!"
Mr. McMahon: "Well let's hear it."
Russo: "See, dis is what we's gots ta do. Make da main event tonight a White-Haired Victor Only match! Dat way neither man can win da match!"
Mr. McMahon: "...are you freakin' serious?"
Russo: "C'mon, Mac-man, das a great idea!"
Mr. McMahon: "That's the worst idea I've ever heard!"
Russo: "Gawd, sorry..."
Mr. McMahon: "Goddamnit stop being so infantile."
Mr. Kennedy: "Dad, I've got a real solution."
Mr. Kennedy gazes haughtily at Russo.
Mr. McMahon: "What is it?"
Mr. Kennedy: "Well, we need to have the match end in a draw, that way neither one of them faces Orton for the title next week and we get to 'jump the shark.' But let's send them a message. Instead of just interfering, we beat down Cena and Triple H until they're a bloody mess. That way we get the draw and also put two of our adversaries on the shelf at the same time!"
Mr. McMahon: "Yeah.... yeah, I like that." >:-D
Lashley: "Um... does anyone want to hear what I have to say?"
Mr. McMahon: "No."
Mr. McMahon: "You're the bodyguard, that's your job. Go swallow some anabolic steroids."
Lashley: "Hey, who in the Hell do you think you are? I don't take steroids!"
Mr. McMahon: "You don't?"
Lashley: "No! They're equine hormones!"
Russo: "Oh... so DAT 'splains why he's so hung..."
Mr. McMahon: O_o
Russo: "Well, you know, because, I mean... I've heard that from the Divas..." >_>
The cameras cut to the Throng's dressing room.
Orton: "Look guys, I just want you to know that whoever wins tonight's match, I'd be more than honored to face either one of you for my WWE title next week right here on Raw."
Triple H: "You know, Orton, as long as the Corporation doesn't get that title, I'm happy."
Orton: "Yeah, I hear ya there."
Orton: "What's up, Cena?"
Cena: "I've gotta go take care of some business."
Cena exits angrily and hastily.
Triple H: "What the Hell was that all about?"
Coach: "I have no idea, man..."
Orton: "Somethin' must've pissed him off..."
Triple H: "Oh well, I gotta prepare for the match tonight. See ya guys later."
Orton & Coach: "Later."
Cena barges into Mr. McMahon's office. He flashes a small piece of paper in front of the Chairman's face.
Cena: "What the **** is this, Vince? HUH?!"
Mr. McMahon: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on a damned minute. What are you talking about?"
Cena: "What am I talking about? THIS! What the **** is THIS?!"
Mr. McMahon: "Calm down, damnit! Let me see that..."
Mr. McMahon peruses the contents of the note: "HKNBTM.2.NC."
Mr. McMahon: "Cena, I don't know where this came from..."
Cena: "Do you think I'm ******* stupid?!"
Mr. McMahon: "Look, Cena, I'm not gonna make any bones about it. I hate you, and you hate me. But I, nor did any one of my associates, send that to you. I have NO IDEA where that came from, and that's the damn truth!"
Cena is seething with anger. He gazes around at Russo, Lashley and Mr. Kennedy. Exhaling, he leaves Mr. McMahon's office, obviously irate.
Mr. Kennedy: "Dad... what's up with that note?"
Mr. McMahon: "I have no idea..."
Russo: "You's mean you didn't send dat note to Jawn Cena?"
Mr. McMahon: "No, I really didn't."
Mr. Kennedy: "Then who did?"
All three look at Lashley.
Lashley: "Hey, don't look at me! I can't even write!"
The cameras cut back to the arena.
JR: "What an enigma, King! John Cena has apparently received a note with some kind of mysterious message on it. What could this mean?"
King: "I don't have any idea, JR, but it seems like the Corporation didn't even send it! There must be an outsider or something, Ross. But who... and why?"
JR: "Things are certainly getting interesting, King. I think business is about to pick up!"
With the cryptic message in the back of his mind, will John Cena manage to concentrate on his match tonight? Who could possibly be behind the note? Will this stranger show his face tonight? Stay tuned to find out!
Welcome back to a startling edition of Monday Night RAW! A mysterious note has been sent to John Cena, a note that has the entire professional wrestling world perplexed. What could it mean? No one knows... but Cena's got to focus on his match tonight if he plans on defeating The Game.
King: "What's the matter, Ross?"
JR: "Hold me."
JR: "Hold me like you used to when we lived on Naboo..."
JR: "When there was nothing but our love, no war, no politics..."
King: "OK, JR, I think you've been watching a little too much Star Wars. Besides, you're acting like you'd die if you didn't have me, I mean come on!"
JR: "I'm not afraid to die."
JR: "I've been dying a little each day since you came back into my life."
JR: "I truly... deeply... love you. And before we die I want you to know."
JR leans over to kiss King.
The cameras cut to the Throng's dressing room. Triple H has just returned from warming up for his match against Cena later on.
Orton: "Hey, man."
HHH: "What's up, Orton? Is Cena doin' alright?"
Orton: "I don't know, I still haven't seen him since he stormed outta here."
Coach: "Whatever happened to him must've been pretty serious."
HHH: "Ah well, I hope he's alright for our match tonight. I want him to bring his A-game."
Triple H begins lacing his boots for the match later on. John Cena walks in.
Coach: "Hey, John. Are you feeling okay now?"
Cena: "Yeah, I'm better guys."
Orton: "What got you so upset?"
Triple H has a strange look on his face.
Cena: "Someone stuffed a note into my locke--"
HHH: "Like this one?"
Triple H shows a note to the other members of the Throng.
Orton: "Where did you get that?"
HHH: "It was in my freakin' boot, man."
Cena: "What does it say, Hunter?"
HHH: "It says 'IronXIIForLife.' What the Hell does that mean?"
Cena: "I don't know, man. But mine said something different."
Coach: "What did it say?"
Cena pulls out the note.
Orton: "Who the **** is playin' games with us?"
HHH: "I don't know but I've got a good guess..."
Triple H storms out of the locker room. Cena tries to stop him but the Game won't listen.
Coach: "Where you think he's going?"
Cena: "If he's like me, he's going to Mr. McMahon's office."
Orton: "You think Vince did this?"
Cena: "I don't think so... Vince is a white-trash son of a *****, but he seemed pretty damn honest when he said he didn't send this to me."
Orton: "This is ridiculous, man... I can't stand this crap!"
Triple H barges into Mr. McMahon's office...
Mr. McMahon: "Damnit, what the Hell is it NOW?!"
HHH: "Vince... WHAT... the HELL... is THIS?!"
Mr. McMahon: "...you... you got a note, too?"
HHH: "No ****, Sherlock! Now what the Hell do you want?!"
Mr. McMahon: "Listen, just calm down, alright? Look, Cena already came to me earlier about his note, and I'm gonna tell you exactly what I told him, ok? I have no idea where that came from, but I'm tellin' you right now, man to man, it was not sent from any of us!"
HHH: "You expect me to buy that?"
Mr. Kennedy: "Trips, seriously, we don't know where those are coming from."
Lashley: "Yeah, man. I love ducks."
Russo: "You's got's some screws loose, Bawby."
HHH: "If I find out this thing is from you, Vince, you're gonna be pissing out of a straw for a month..."
Incredible! Yet another note has been discovered by the Throng, and the New Corporation continues to deny any involvement with the phenomenon. With the Throng apparently falling under the mental stress of these notes, what's to happen during the main event tonight? Will the New Corporation reveal that they are indeed behind the notes? Will JR consummate his love for King? Is it possible that there will be a Part II to this topic? The answers and more when RAW returns!
Welcome back to Monday Night RAW. The audience is pumped and braced for a spectacular outing between John Cena and Triple H. Before the match begins, however, the cameras cut to the Throng's dressing room, where Coach, Orton, Cena and HHH are having a pre-match rendezvous...
Coach: "Alright guys, Orton and I will have your back in case Mr. McMahon and his cronies feel like sticking their noses into our business."
HHH: "Thanks. Well, Cena... no hard feelings, right?"
Cena: "Right." :)
Orton: "Wait, wait, guys..."
HHH & Cena: "Yeah?"
Orton: "I got a note..."
HHH: "What's it say, man?"
Orton: "Ambrosial Cleft Sonata. What the **** does that mean?"
Coach: "This is some I Know What You Did Last Summer bull****!"
Cena: "Hunter, we can't let this crap get to us. Let's go out there and give the fans what they want!"
HHH: "I'm with ya, man. Orton, Coach, see ya guys later."
Coach: "Who do you think it could be?"
Orton: "I'm not sure, but whoever it is is going to get their ass kicked courtesy of the Legend Killer."
Triple H and Cena make their way to the ring and the match begins!
JR: "I'm so excited, King! And I just can't hiiiide it! I don't wanna lose control but I think I like it!"
King: "Suuuure.... anyway, um, who do you think is going to win?"
JR: "John Cena, of course!"
King: "Yeah, dumb question..."
Triple H and Cena shake hands before going at it. Cena locks on a Headlock, and Triple H shoves him into the ropes. The Game ducks and goes for a Back Body Drop but Cena counters with a kick. He plants HHH with a DDT and goes for a pin. The Game kicks out at 1 and Cena stays on him with a Buffalo Sleeper. HHH fights out of it and delivers a Harley Race-like knee to the face of Cena.
JR: "Actually, whoever wins this match is bound to enliven the WWE!"
King: "I can't argue there..."
JR: "YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT YOU CAN'T!"
Triple H shoves Cena into the corner and connects with some mounted punches followed by a head ram into the turnbuckle. Cena gets whipped into the ropes and planted with a knee-face smash. HHH goes for the cover and Cena kicks out at 2. Cena attempts to whip the Game, but HHH reverses it and goes for a Spinebuster. Cena counters and connects with a Dropkick to the knee.
King: "This action is so back and forth, Ross."
JR: "Kind of like our relationship."
King: "WHAT relationship?"
JR: "...I thought I meant something to you..."
Cena works on HHH's legs with a Spinning Toe Hold followed by a Reverse Achilles Lock. His improved offensive repertoire inspires the fans to chant "He can wrestle, clap clap clapclapclap, He can wrestle!" Cena goes for the STF-U but HHH fights out of it and plants Cena with a Spinebuster. He goes for the pin and Cena barely manages to kick out. Both men are spent and Triple H goes for the Pedigree. Cena counters and locks on the STF-U!
JR: "Good God! The STF-U! Will The Game tap out?! It's all on the line here!!! Will Cena face Orton for the WWE Championship next week!?"
Triple H manages to make it to the bottom rope. He's physically exhausted, and Cena goes for the F-U. Triple H counters and goes for the Pedigree, but Cena counters by lifting HHH up onto his shoulders and connecting with an F-U! 1... 2... Kick out! The crowd is going nuts!
JR: "Triple H is displaying INHUMAN toughness here!"
King: "I believe, JR!"
Cena attempts to lock on the STF-U again, but HHH counters with a kick to the gut followed by a Pedigree! 1... 2... Th-- Kick out! The crowd erupts with cheers! Both men can barely move and the referee begins the 10-count.
JR: "Cena and the Game are giving their absolute SOULS here tonight!"
As Cena and Triple H stagger to their feet, Mr. Kennedy and Lashley enter the ring and begin to pummel them. Mr. Kennedy attacks Cena with a steel chair while Lashley dominates (no pun intended) the Game with a steel bar.
JR: "This is absolutely heinous and uncalled for! What's the meaning of this?!"
Orton and Coach run down to the ring and help make the save. Lashley and Mr. Kennedy flee from the ring, as Mr. McMahon and Russo emerge from backstage. The match is declared a No Contest.
Russo: "Ey, Jawn Cena! It seems dat you's match with da video game don't have no winnah! Dat means dat dere will be NO WWE Championship match next week! Stick dat in your schwantz and smoke it!"
Mr. McMahon: "You see, Cena, I told you before that we are always in control, and tonight proves that. With you two out of the title picture, that leaves room for the New Corporation. So, Cena, with that in mind, I'd like to announce the NEW WWE Title main event for next wee--"
Shane McMahon interrupts.
Shane: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, dad, hold on a second. Now you're right, the McMahons ARE always in control, but that includes me. Now, seeing as how I have 50% executive authority over your decisions, I've decided that next week's main event WILL be changed! It will now be a Triple Threat WWE Title match between John Cena, Triple H and Randy Orton!"
Mr. McMahon: "Damnit who the HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!?"
Shane leaves haughtily, infuriating his father. The New Corporation is obviously distraught. Inside the ring, the Throng speak amongst themselves. As both parties are about to exit, the Titantron turns on with the cryptic messages the Throng have been receiving all night...
Titantron: "HKNBTM.2.NC.... IronXIIForLife.... Ambrosial Cleft Sonata... Throng... Your Time Is Drawing Near..."
Next week on Raw, John Cena, HHH and Randy Orton will face off in a Triple Threat match to determine the new WWE Champion! With the mystery of the notes proliferating, will the esoteric individual behind it all reveal himself? What role will the New Corporation play? Will JR ever get over King? Tune in for the next edition of Monday Night RAW, and the very last show for this topic!
Chapter XV: War
Date: Monday, November 12, 2007
Welcome to a special edition of Monday Night Raw, where the main event will see Randy Orton defend his WWE Championship against two of his Throng partners, John Cena and Triple H. The mystery of the notes has been on the minds of fans, backstage personnel and wrestlers alike. There is a strange presence in the air; a feeling of something elusive and yet imminent. The atmosphere is most unsettling...
JR: "Welcome, guys and gals, to Monday Night Raw! I'll tell ya, I couldn't be more ready for tonight's main event! The Throng has finally gotten the advantage over the New Corporation and tonight is all about them, and it damn sure as Hell should be!”
King: “This has gotta be eating away at the New Corporation like a cancer. Mr. McMahon cannot stand Orton, Triple H or John Cena, so he’s got to be pulling his hair out! Not that that’s a bad thing...”
JR: “You damned right, King. Mr. McMahon needs to be exposed for the heartless, desensitized, unholy, sick, vile, corrupt, sadomasochistic son of a ***** that he is!”
King: “Ross, you might want to think twice about what you call our boss.” >_>
JR: “Screw that, King! I’m not going to be one of the innumerable sycophants of Mr. McMahon. The man is a nasty human being and I have no compunction about making that known! He lives to make peoples’ lives a living Hell and I hope one day he dies a horrible, painful death!”
King: “You don’t think that’s cutting it a little too extreme?”
JR: “Why are you such a brown-nose, King?”
King: “I’m not a brown-nose, I just think you’re going way overboard with your hatred for the Chairman.”
JR: “So just because I wish a plague on both his houses, and that I wish his family gets mutilated by a rabid Doberman Pinscher, and that I pray that his crotch becomes infested with maggots, that makes me a bad person? Is that what you’re saying?!”
King: “...just forget I ever said anything, okay? I’m gonna back up over a here a little bit now...” O_o
The Throng make their way to the ring, and the crowd erupts into a deafening cacophony of cheers.
Orton: “Last week, the New Corporation thought they had everything under control. Well, they learned a valuable lesson: never sell the Throng short. Like the mythical Phoenix, we will always rise from the ashes and secure victory! The New Corporation needs to learn that there’s no stopping us! They... WILL... fall.”
HHH: “Ya see, Vinnie Mac, try as you might to screw us over, you failed to take into consideration one very important thing: our connections. Your very own son has tolled the bell for you, McMahon. And tonight, John Cena, Orton and I are gonna give these fans a legendary treat, and NONE of it is going to involve you, nor your pissant ‘other’ son, juggernaut bodyguard or your inane confidant.”
Coach: “Damn skippy, G!”
The New Corporation emerge from backstage, all of them visibly upset.
Mr. McMahon: “Damnit you all make me sick to my stomach! If it wasn’t for Shane, who I might add, is my REAL illegitimate child (boos from the crowd), tonight would be all about us. Well, you know what? Tonight’s going to be all about the New Corporation anyway! We will put you into the ground and make you eat dirt, you lousy bastards!”
Russo: “Ey, Jawn Cena, how’s come you aint said nuttin’ yet?”
Mr. McMahon: “What’s the matter, Cena? You’re not... scared of us are you?” >:-)
Mr. Kennedy: “My dad asked you a question you stupid son of a --”
Cena: “The New Corporation comes out here like their runnin’ the place, but in reality they just way too gay on the face. The Throng is gonna go down tonight, according to the boss. Well, I’m John Cena and you can use my pubes to floss! Mr. McMahon’s got some kinda problem with all of us in the ring, which I guess is understandable considering his very small thing. I mean, let’s face it, the Throng’s got truly monstrous schlongs, but sadly for the boss, he’s always just singin' the swan songs.”
Mr. McMahon: >:-(
Cena: “And then we’ve got the ‘New Yahk’ has-been named Russo the Great, who’s actually in the middle of a tryst with a woman of considerable weight. Oh, don’t try to hide it, homey! I even met the *****, and she offered to blow me. Unlike you, I denied her request, ‘cuz I aint ever heard of a 500-lb. bequest! That tank had more rolls than a bakery and more chins than a Chinese phonebook, man. Her ass smelled so bad I had to waft the stench away with a portable fan! But hey, it’s your decision, Russo, and yours alone. But how are you gonna please her when she douches with a phone?”
Cena: “Then there’s the jacked-up freak named Bobby Lashley, who couldn’t even score with the whore named Ashley. Oh, don’t get miffed, bubble-brain. You just can’t make it in the fast lane. I’ve seen your pecs, glutes and deltoids, Mr. Dominator, it’s just too bad that last night I became your Mominator. Oh, you didn’t know? I sure as Hell banged that hoe. She told me to give you a message, too, but it might hurt your feelings. The message goes like this: ‘Bobby, I’ve sold my body for some dealin’s.’ Turns out your momma ain’t no saint but a slut, which works out for me ‘cuz all the times I banged her amounts to a glut!”
Cena: “Oh, and Mr. Kennedy? Don’t think I forgot about you, homey! You say you’re the biggest WWE star, well why don’t you pull your pants down and show me? On second thought, keep your tights on, I wouldn’t wanna blind the crowd with your ‘number one.’ I’m assumin’ that’s in inches, but regardless keep on your britches. Sadly for you, you’re the son of the boss who runs the show. But Mr. McMahon’s a bastard, and this I’m sure you already know. So crawl outta your poppa’s ass, and grow a set o’ balls. Oh, I forgot, you can’t do that ‘cuz you like to play with dolls.”
Mr. Kennedy: ._.
Cena: “So, New Corporation, it goes like this, don’t consider this verbal tirade to be a diss. I’m simply showing you what’s in store for later tonight, because all these fans know that your words are merely trite. John Cena’s words, on the other hand, carry importance and weight, just like the Game’s words when he seduced Stephanie on the first date. You all say you’ve got everything under control and tonight is all about you. I say you’re forgettin’ the fact that this Corporation really isn’t new. It’s a rehashed stable from years and years ago, which is fine ‘cuz you failed that time, too, ya know? I ain’t tryin’ to be a dickhead but we’ve gotta accept the truth, so why don’t you all just give up now and go sit in the loser’s booth? Oh, and one last thing that you really should know: Check out my flow, hit the do’, the Corporation hits low, this you know, but the Throng is gonna mow, you wanna say no, but say it ain’t so. Word life, mother******!”
The crowd erupts into a chorus of cheers and ovations.
JR: "My God, John Cena just verbally destroyed the New Corporation, King!"
King: "I can't deny that, Ross. I think the New Corporation needs some ice for that burn!"
JR: "Ha ha, you damned skippy, hippy!"
King: "...Never say that again."
JR: "Sorry." V_V
The show fades out to commercial. When we return, the cameras cut to Mr. McMahon's office, where the Chairman, as well as his three associates, is livid.
Mr. McMahon: "I hate the Throng. Goddamned bastards. Especially that Cena... oh, that Cena. He's gonna get it. He's gonna get it bad. Damnit to Hell I'm going to annihilate John Cena!"
Mr. Kennedy: "Dad, how are we gonna do that when he's got Trips and Orton on his side?"
Mr. McMahon: "I don't know, son. But we've got to figure out a way to get rid of Triple H and Cena so that we can concentrate on Orton and get that damn title off his scrawny little waist."
Russo: "Hmm... I's gots an idea, Vinnie Mac!"
Lashley (to himself): "You say your name is Cena, and you're a master of rap. I say your name is Cena, and you smell like crap!"
Mr. Kennedy: "Uhh... who are you talking to, Bobby?"
Lashley: "Oh, uh... I was just practicing."
Mr. Kennedy: "Practicing for what?"
Lashley: "I'm gonna challenge Cena to a rap battle later on tonight. I'm gonna dominate him verbally!"
Mr. Kennedy: "Sure, Bobby, you go ahead and do that..." >_>
Mr. McMahon: "Anyway, Russo what's your plan?"
Russo: "Well, we's gots ta wait until da end of da match, when all tree of da men are tiyud. Den, I'll run down dere widda steel chair and kick da snot outta Jawn Cena and Triple H. Dat way dey gets put on da shelf and we gots Orton all ta ourselves."
Mr. McMahon: "Why you conniving little dog... heh, I like it. Yeah..." >:-)
The cameras cut to Santino, who is walking around backstage apparently searching for somebody. He comes across a door that has Ron Simmons's name on it. Santino takes a deep breath and walks in.
Santino: "Ron, I did-a not come in-a here to start a fight-a, ok? I just wanted to say to you-a, man-a to man, dat I hold no hard feelings towards you, and le Maria shall-a be yours." :-)
Santino: "Do you accept my apolog--"
Ron plants Santino with a Dominator.
The cameras cut back to the New Corporation's office. William Regal walks in.
Mr. McMahon: "Ah, General Manager Regal."
Regal: "Mr. McMahon. Mr. Russo."
Mr. McMahon: "What can we do for you?"
Regal: "Well, actually Mr. McMahon I was just curious as to why I have not been utilized as of late."
Mr. McMahon: "Utilized?"
Regal: "Well, pardon my effrontery, sir, but as the General Manager of Raw I assumed that I would carry some responsibility. However, ever since the establishment of your New Corporation I have not had much to do. So, I was hoping that I could be given a task."
Mr. McMahon: "You want a task?"
Regal: "Yes, sir. All in the name of the New Corporation, of course."
Mr. McMahon: "Hmm... well, Regal, I have just the task, and only you could do it!"
Mr. McMahon: "Get the Hell outta my office, right now!"
Regal: "I beg your pardon, sir?"
Mr. McMahon: "You heard me, damnit! I have no room for show-offs and power-hungry leeches. Get the Hell outta here right now before I relieve you as General Manager!"
Regal: "...But sir, don't you think it would be useful if--"
Mr. McMahon: "Out."
Regal: "...Yes, sir..."
The cameras cut to the Throng's dressing room, where Orton is caressing his thigh. Cena, HHH and the Coach walk in, catching him in the act.
Coach: "Whoa! Randy, what the Hell are you doing?"
Orton: "Guys! Uh... nothing, nothing."
HHH: "Randy, you were just rubbing your leg."
Orton: "Well, I had a cramp! Is there somethin' wrong with that?"
HHH: "Come on, Randy. You were moaning."
Orton: "Well it hurts! Is it that surprising that I'd moan?"
HHH: "You were calling yourself a sexy *****."
Orton: "Uh... I was just, um... role-playing! Yeah, that's it!"
Cena: "Yo man this is some gangsta **** here! I'm outie!"
Coach: "I'm with Cena. Later, Orton."
Orton: "Guys, come on! I got a charlie horse and I had to rub it out!"
HHH: "Yeah, I know Orton. You love to 'rub one out' all the time." ;-)
Orton: "Very funny, Trips." -_-
HHH: "Well, I'll catch ya later, Randy. Try not to rape your leg anymore..."
Orton: "...whatever, later man."
Triple H leaves, leaving Orton alone in the room once again.
Orton caresses his thigh.
JR: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have to take a commercial break. When we return, it will be a special edition of Carlito's Cabana with the one and only Jeff Hardy!"
The show cuts to commercial. When it returns, the Cabana is all set-up in the ring. Carlito makes his way to the squared circle, wearing a toothy grin.
Carlito: "Welcome to another edition of... <_<... Carlito's Cabana. Tonight's guest is someone who you fans adore, not that I blame you. I mean, you fans are pretty stupid."
Carlito: "This man absorbs paint through his forearms and consistently misses his signature Whisper in the Wind move. Tonight's guest... Jeff Hardy!"
Jeff makes his way to the ring accompanied by many cheers.
Carlito: "Jeff, my first question to you is: what's up with your hair?"
King: "Jeff's hair?"
Carlito: "Umm... Jeff, can you answer the question?"
Jeff: "Yeah, man... I totally dig excavation of archaeological sites. That's rad, duuude..." @_@
Carlito: "Uhh, someone needs to get Jeff some water or something..."
Jeff: "Water, man. Yeah. Water. Wow. You know? Water... wow."
Carlito: "Riiiight. Well, I see you're not exactly in the interview mood right now so--"
Santino's music hits and the self-proclaimed Italian Stallion makes his way to the ring.
Santino: "Enuff of-a dis, how you say, horse****!"
Carlito: "What the Hell are you doing? You can't just interrupt Carlito's Cabana!"
Santino: "Silence your mouth, Meester Caribbean! Your fro is, how you say, nappy as Hell!"
Carlito: "How dare you talk to Carlito like that?!"
Jeff: "Nappy, man. Wow..."
Santino: "I came out-a here because of dat goombah named Ron Simmons. I tried to humble myself and-a dat monster attacked-a me. I was-a backstabbed, and I will have-a no more of it!"
Carlito: "You said you were backstabbed?"
Santino: "That's-a right, I was-a backstabbed!"
Carlito: "...Santino, you're not backstabbed..."
Carlito hits the Backstabber on Santino.
Carlito: "...until your Backstabbed!"
Jeff: "Whoa, dude, you just totally stabbed his back. Heh, get it? Backstabber? Wow, that's funny..."
Londrick run out to the ring and celebrate with Carlito for destroying Santino. Just then, Umaga makes his way to the ring and wipes out Londrick, as well as Carlito and Jeff.
Jeff: "Damn, man, we just got our asses kicked. Wow... I mean that hurt."
The cameras cut back to the Throng's dressing room, where all four men are now conversing amongst one another. William Regal enters, and is accosted by all four individuals.
Regal: "Gentlemen, gentlemen. I am not here to start trouble. I am requesting that we put our differences aside and you allow me to join your group. Mr. McMahon is a pathetic specimen, and I wish to join the Throng."
Cena: "Regal, we ain't stupid. We're not fallin' for your trap again. Get the Hell outta here!"
Regal: "But I'm telling the--"
The Throng shove Regal out of their dressing room.
Orton: "Can you guys believe him?"
HHH: "What a fruitcake. Alright, so anymore insight as to what these notes mean?"
Cena: "I have no idea, man. What the Hell is HKNBTM.2.NC supposed to mean?"
HHH: "Or IronXIIForLife?"
Orton: "Or Ambrosial Cleft Sonata?"
Coach: "Or Hell#1?"
Coach: "I got a note, too."
Orton: "What? Jesus Christ, who the Hell is messin' with us?!"
Cena: "I don't know, man, but I gotta go hit the ring."
HHH: "For what?"
Cena: "Lashley's challenging me to a Battle Rap." -_-
HHH: "Good luck, as if you'll need it."
The show cuts to commercial. When it returns, Lashley and Cena are in the ring.
Lashley: "You say your name is Cena and if I want some to come get some. I say your name is Cena and I slept with your mum! You say you're the Champ and you can't be beat. I say you're the Chump and all you beat is your meat. You say you've got the Chain Gang and they'll back you up. I say you've got the Chain Gang and they can't save you from me smackin' you up! Peace, G!"
Cena: "Yo, yo, yo, it's O-kaaay. Ya got this roided-up freak who says the same thing over and over. You slept with my momma, Bobby? That must've been when I was over your house making your momma bend over and over. And what's your obsession with dicks, that's kinda weird, man. But it's not too suprising, considering all those stains in your caravan. And the Chain Gang can't help me? Boy that's a load of bull. We're soldiers, *****, and the New Corporation will fall to... OUR... RULE!"
Bobby runs out of the ring, crying. Chimel announces Cena as the winner of the Battle Rap. The cameras cut to Josh Grisham in the back, who's about to interview Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch. Before he can ask the first question, however, Batista appears - naked.
Grisham: "*sigh* Batista... what do you want now?"
Grisham: "Good, that's a good start. They're probably in your dressing room."
Murdoch: "Hi, Batista." ;-)
Batista: "Uhh... hi." >_>
Murdoch: "I see you're not wearing any clothes."
Batista: "That's right, the Animal likes freeballing."
Murdoch: "May I join you?"
Batista: "No... no, that's alright."
Murdoch: "But... why not?"
Batista: "I've gotta go take care of some... eh, business! Yeah, that's it..." >_>
Murdoch: "Spurned again." V_V
The cameras cut back to the arena, where Mr. McMahon makes his way to the ring.
JR: "Oh great. Now what?"
Mr. McMahon: "As I'm sure all of you are aware, each business decision I make is made with fairness and impartiality."
Mr. McMahon: "Therefore, tonight's main event WWE Championship match between Randy Orton, John Cena and Triple H is now No Disqualification!"
JR: "Who made that ruling?"
King: "Apparently the Chairman just did."
JR: "Well, I see that, but why? What's the point of that?"
King: "I don't know, Ross. Could be a plan!"
JR: "Vince McMahon has always got a plan, I can guarantee ya that."
King: "He sure does, JR."
King: "What's wrong, Ross?"
JR: "I gotta be honest with you, King."
King: "OK, about what?"
JR: "I feigned the whole being in love with you thing."
JR: "I'm getting too old for broadcasting, King. I see all these young pups runnin' about and I think to myself, 'What have I got to offer this business? A paralyzed face and hackneyed phrases.' I can't do much more good for the WWE. So I wanted to have a little fun. I'm sorry." :-(
King: "Hey, it's alright, JR. I'll tell ya what. After tonight's show, I'll take you to the Playboy Mansion!"
JR: "GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!"
The cameras cut back to the New Corporation's office.
Mr. McMahon: "Russo, are you absolutely sure this is going to work?"
Russo: "Ey, fuggedaboutit, Vinnie! I's gots everyting unda control!"
Mr. McMahon: "Lashley's gone off somewhere and we're down to three. We can't manage to fail this time, Russo. You understand that."
Russo: "Of course, boss."
The cameras cut to Regal, who is watching the New Corporation on a monitor. The cameras cut back to the New Corporation's office. Mr. Kennedy is playing Super Mario Bros. on the television.
Mr. McMahon: "Son, what are you doing?"
Mr. Kennedy: "Oh, I'm on a mission to beat Bowser! The bastard stole the princess. He's gonna wish he never heard the name of Mario..... MARIO!"
Mr. McMahon: "Right. Russo, are you SURE this is going to work?"
Russo: "Ey, relax man. Dis is all gonna be worth it. Trust me."
Mr. Kennedy: "DAMN 8-3!"
The cameras cut to the Throng's dressing room.
Coach: "Well, good luck you guys."
The camera cuts back to Regal, who's now watching the Throng on a monitor. He deliberatively rubs his chin as the camera fades away to commercial. When the show returns, Tony Chimel announcing the main event.
King: "This is awesome, JR. It makes the hairs on my neck stand up. I LIKE IT!"
JR: "I know what you mean, partner. The electricity in the air is off the page. What tension!"
Before the match begins, all three men give each other high fives. The bell rings and their demeanors quickly change. The Game and Cena soon double-team Orton, pounding away at him with some punches before tossing him over the top rope and to the outside. Cena and HHH, left in the ring, go at it. Cena connects with a Hiptoss followed by a tilt-a-whirl driver. HHH kicks out and delivers some jabs to Cena.
JR: "I have absolutely no idea who's going to win this one, King! My God the excitement is incredible! I think my pants are about to become soiled!"
Orton is back in the ring and takes down HHH with an Inverted Backbreaker. He then goes to work on Cena with several Garvin stomps. Triple H recovers and delivers a Harley Race knee strike to the face, knocking Randy on his ass. Cena recovers and takes down HHH with a Clothesline. Cena goes to lock on the STF-U but HHH fights out of it. He goes for a Pedigree but Cena counters and locks on a Reverse Achilles Hold, working on the Game's legs.
King: "It's amazing how much each of these men strive to become the champion, JR!"
JR: "It's in their blood. I think success is in their genetics."
Orton breaks up the hold and rams Cena's head into the turnbuckle. He goes for a School-boy and Cena kicks out at 2. HHH gets back to his feet, reeling, and goes after Orton with a knee to the face. Cena takes down HHH with a Chop Block, and all three men are down and resting.
Fifteen minutes later...
The match appears to be nearing its end as all three men are incredibly fatigued. HHH's legs have been razed throughout the match, while Cena and Orton have suffered a tremendous amount of physical damage as well. Desperate, and taking advantage of the lack of rules, Cena wraps a steel chair around HHH's leg and is about to stomp on it when Orton takes him down with an RKO. He goes for the cover. 1... 2... Triple H breaks it up! The Game connects with a Pedigree on Orton and goes for the pin. 1... 2... Orton gets his foot on the bottom rope!
JR: "Good God this is amazing! Hey wait a minute, what in the Hell is that bastard doin' out here?!"
Russo runs down to the ring, armed with a steel chair. He taunts Cena, who is groggily getting back to his feet. Russo swings the chair but Cena ducks. The chair bounces off the top rope and Russo hits himself in the face. Cena plants Russo with an F-U, and convinces HHH to hit a Pedigree and Orton to connect with an RKO, permanently disabling Russo from interfering anymore.
JR: "That vile SOB deserved every bit of that punishment!"
King: "I agree, JR. What a moron."
Cena goes to the outside and brings the steel steps into the ring. He sets them down and sets up HHH for an F-U onto them. The Game counters and goes for a Pedigree on the steps. Cena counters into a Back Body Drop. Orton goes for an RKO to Cena onto the steps but Cena counters and tosses Orton over the top rope. Cena grabs the steel chair in the ring and smashes HHH's legs, which get caught between the chair and the steps. Cena locks on the STF-U and applies it full force!"
JR: "Will HHH tap?! There's nowhere to go! Orton's on the outside! Cena's gonna do it!"
Triple H is writhing in agony, struggling to reach the bottom rope. He drags Cena a little but begins to fade away. The referee lives his arm and lets go. It drops. The ref lifts his arm again, and again it drops. The referee lifts HHH's arm for the third time but The Game manages to keep it from hitting the mat! He's refusing to tap out, but Cena is unrelenting!"
King: "Oh my God, JR, I've never seen anyone last this long in the STF-U!"
JR: "THIS IS GODLY!"
Triple H is screaming in agony. He lifts his hand above the mat, shaking and trembling. Having nowhere to go, the Game finally taps out!"
JR: "He's done it! BAH GAWD JOHN CENA HAS DONE IT!"
Chimel: "Ladies and gentlemen, the winner and the NEW WWE Champion... John Cena!"
King: "What a match, Ross! John Cena has just reclaimed his WWE Title after so much adversion!"
JR: "Finally! Month after month, country after country, mile after mile, challenge after challenge, John Cena has yet again become the WWE Champion! Good God!"
Triple H is laid out. The referee hands Cena the title, as the Champ celebrates. Orton gets back in the ring and stands toe to toe with Cena. Orton appears upset, and it seems as though he is about to attack the new champion. Instead, he offers his hand, but Cena says screw that and the two hug, much to the delight of the crowd. The show appears to be ready to off the air, when Mr. McMahon comes out from backstage.
Mr. McMahon: "DAMNIT! DAMNIT! This wasn't supposed to happen! Russo, you sleazy, stupid bastard! I told you this wasn't a good idea! But you couldn't listen to me, no! You had to go off on one of your frivolous quixotic ideas and it got us nowhere! The Throng is still in control, and DAMN YOU FOR BREAKING YOUR END OF THE BARGAIN! But this is one mistake I won't have to live with because Russo... YOU'RE... FIRRRRREEEEEED!"
JR: "Dear lord, Mr. McMahon has just fired his confidant!"
King: "It's about time, Ross! I couldn't stand that damn accent!"
HHH recovers, and he, along with Orton and Cena, taunt Mr. McMahon.
Mr. McMahon: "Damnit I've had enough of this! Lashley get out here right now!"
Mr. McMahon: "Goddamnit I said come out here! Kennedy, get out here and kick their ass!"
Mr. McMahon: "Where in the Hell is everybody?!"
Just then, the Titantron turns on and the mystical messages flash on the screen.
Titantron: "HKNBTM.2.NC... IronXIIForLife... Ambrosial Cleft Sonata... Hell#1... Throng... Your Time Has Come..."
Nothing. The crowd boos. HHH, Cena and Orton are baffled. Just then, Mr. Kennedy and Lashley emerge from backstage and hit the ring. A brawl ensues, with the Throng having the 3-on-2 advantage. Mr. Kennedy and Lashley appear to be losing when the Titantron turns back on!
JR: "What in God's name is going on here?!"
King: "This is it, JR! I can feel it!"
Titantron: "Throng... your time has come... Enter... H... B... K!"
Shawn Michaels runs down to the ring and assists the New Corporation!
JR: "Oh dear lord say it ain't so! No! Shawn Michaels has returned, but he's helping Vince! Why, Shawn, why? DAMNIT TO HELL WHY? Have you no soul?! He's sold his soul to Satan himself! NO!"
The battle is about even, when Regal runs down to the ring and helps out the Throng.
JR: "OH MY GO--"
King: "Ross?.... Ross? Uh-oh" >_>
Just when it seems as though the Throng has the upper hand, Shane McMahon runs down to the ring with a steel chair and lays waste to them!
King: "What?! I thought Shane was on the Throng's side! What in the world?!"
The fans are booing madly, as Shane, Kennedy, Lashley and HBK force HHH, Cena, Orton and Regal out of the ring. Shane grabs a microphone while Mr. McMahon has a bewildered looks on his face.
Shane: "Throng, you are such fools! You should've listened to my father when he told you that we are ALWAYS in control! You've been pawns in our set-up all along! And now you've got to reap the consequences of what you've done! The dark era has begun for you, and the New Corporation shall rule the WWE with an iron fist!"
Mr. McMahon: "Shane.... I.... I can't believe it!"
Shane: "Save your words, dad. Shawn and I have been planning this for a long time. Your corporation has just grown. I suggest we take advantage of this."
Mr. McMahon: "Well... this Sunday IS Survivor Series..."
Shane: "What did you have in mind, pops?"
Mr. McMahon: "How about this? At Survivor Series it will be myself, Shane, Mr. Kennedy, Bobby Lashley and Shawn Michaels VS The Coach, William Regal, Randy Orton, John Cena and Triple H in a classic survival styles match!"
The Throng have a concerned look.
King: "I don't believe this."
Mr. McMahon: "Throng, I guaranDAMNtee you that this will be the end for your little union. We are going to put an end to your shenanigans once and for all! Oh, and Cena, once your little group gets disbanded courtesy of the New Corporation, we're gonna take that title from around your waist!"
Cena: "Listen to me you son of a *****, the only way you're gonna take this championship from me is if you pry it from my cold, dead fingers!"
Mr. McMahon: "...So be it."
What a groundbreaking episode of Monday Night Raw! John Cena has reclaimed the WWE Championship, and the feud between the two stables has grown more complex. Shawn Michaels has allied himself with the New Corporation, as has Shane McMahon, while the Throng have received William Regal. At Survivor Series, the rivalry is sure to culminate in an explosive encounter! With the treasure of the WWE Championship looming in the background, what does this all mean for John Cena? Has the Champ finally reached a dead-end? Tune in to Survivor Series to find out!
Chapter XVI: Survivor Series
Date: Monday, November 18, 2007
Tonight will be a night long remembered. It has seen the proliferation of the New Corporation and the Throng, it will soon see the fruition of their rivalry. Aside from Star Wars vernacular, tonight really is going to be groundbreaking! The world will stand witness to a classic survivor style match between the entire New Corporation and the Throng. This epic war is sure to decide which faction is more powerful, but is tonight really going to be the end of the feud? Is this going to be the ultimate culmination? Who's to say? Except me, of course...
JR: "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Survivor Series! After what transpired this past Monday night on Raw, I don't know what to expect!"
King: "Neither do I, JR! I mean who could have ever suspected that those notes were coming not only from Shawn Michaels, but from Shane McMahon as well! I'm just blown away at this entire thing..."
JR: "Well, regardless of you being blown away for the fifth time today--"
JR: "Oh, stop it, King. I saw you and that hooker in the back."
King: "...You did?"
JR: "Of course I did, Jerry! She was actin' like that damned thing was a Tootsie Pop!"
King: "OK! Enough, Ross! I don't want my wife to hear this." >_>
JR: "Sorry. Uh, well anyway, I have a feeling tonight's main event is going to decide the fates of several individuals."
King: "I agree. Oh, by the way..."
King: "I think I'm actually starting to like Cena!"
King: "Yeah, I mean for a long time he was just this repetitive, hackneyed Austin wannabe."
JR: "Well, what's wrong with that?"
King: >_> "Anyway, now that he's reverted back to his original ways, I dig him! Ya know? The fans don't want some unrealistic Superman-Marine hybrid superhero, who's got such a limited repertoire as to rival Giant Gonzalez' moveset, and who cuts the same promo every time he gets involved with a ‘new’ feud, which is actually just a rehash of his last one. The fans want THIS Cena! The trash talking, doesn’t-give-a-damn hoodlum from the streets, who’ll do anything to win a match and who dominates his opponents not only physically but verbally! JR, John Cena is back in the house!”
JR: “I’m glad you’ve seen the light, King!”
King: “Actually, I think Cena has seen the light...”
JR: “Same difference.”
King: “Not really.”
King: “Let’s not get into a fight, alright?”
JR: “Fine. So... have you tried my new barbeque sauce lately?”
The Basic Thuganomics theme hits and John Cena makes his way to the ring. The fans are going wild, and Jim Ross appears to be adjusting his crotch.
Cena: “Yo, yo, yo, yo. Tonight’s not about freestylin’ or verbally abusin’. Tonight’s about one thing: kickin’ ass. Now last week, the mystery of the notes was solved, as Shawn Michaels, the Heartbreak Dick, interfered and stuck his nose into our business. Well let me tell you somethin’, HBK, you’ve gone and signed a deal with the devil, dawg. You’ve gone and made the biggest mistake of your life. We’re not only gonna beat you up tonight and destroy the New Corporation, we’re gonna castrate you of your manhood, *****! Oh, and Shane, yeah you out-smarted us, I’ll give ya that, homie. But now it’s time for US to outfight YOU! Ya see you can’t hide behind your stupid little desk anymore, ya pencil-pushin’ *****! You gotta step in the ring with five pissed off men who want nothing more than to whup... your... ass! And you can bring along your geriatric pops, your jacked-off bodyguard and your pissant brother-in-law, but it don’t mean a damn thing. Tonight... you are ALL... GOING.... DOWN!”
JR: “My God I’ve never seen Cena this fired up before!”
Mr. McMahon emerges from backstage.
Vince: “Cena, I’m sorry to interrupt--”
Cena: “I was done talkin’, fool.”
Cena: “Now what the **** do you want?”
Vince: “I’m sick and tired of your lack of respect, Cena, you know what? You have no respect for authority, and you damn sure should have some! And ya know why? Because when you don’t, you leave me with no other choice than to make your life a living HELL! Now tonight, Cena, tonight is not going to be the end for the New Corporation. Oh, no. I’m sorry but you’re mistaken. No, tonight is going to be the coup de grace for you, Cena. Ya know what means? I didn’t think so, an uneducated imp such as yourself. That means that tonight we are going to deliver the decisive finishing blow to the Throng, Cena! Tonight’s match is going to be a No Disqualification match! Tonight the Throng gets annihilated!”
JR: “Wow... strong words from our boss, King. I’m not so sure about Cena’s chances now.”
King: “Man... what did Vince call that? The ‘coup de grace’?”
King: “Since when is he French?”
King: “Alright... let’s dance.”
King: “See me, I believe in a fair fight. You know, one on one, man to man, hand to hand? Just like my daddy taught me. But what I saw out there was not very fair...”
JR: “King, what are you talking about?”
King: “The Emperor will not tolerate failure... and neither... will... I!”
JR: “King... are you... are you quoting Mortal Kombat?”
King: “What you are about to face is vastly more important than... your ego, your enemy, or your quest for revenge.”
King: “Listen! And understand!”
JR: “I’m listening...” >_>
King: “That Terminator is out there! It can’t be bargained with! It can’t be reasoned with! It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear! And it absolutely will not stop! EVER! Until you are DEAD!”
JR: “Now it’s the Terminator?”
King: “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”
JR: “Damnit cut it out now, Jerry.”
King: “Now don’t you blame the movies, JR! Movies don’t create psychos! Movies make psychos more creative!”
King: “What’s the matter, James? No glib remark? No pithy comeback?”
King: “Hahaha... hilarious question... particularly from you...”
King: “I hate sand.”
King: “It’s rough and coarse, and it gets everywhere!”
King: “Not like here... where everything’s soft and...”
JR: “King, stop rubbing my arm!”
King: “Ahem, sorry, Ross. Wait... what just happened?”
JR: “You were just quoting random movies!”
King: “Wow, again?!”
The cameras cut to the office of the New Corporation. Shane is watching Lashley and Mr. Kennedy play Super Mario Bros. while awaiting his father’s return.
Lashley: “Ow, that walking mushroom just killed me!”
Kennedy: “That’s called a Goomba, you idiot.”
Lashley: “How was I supposed to know that?”
Kennedy: “Never mind, just hit that block and touch the mushroom that comes out of it.”
Lashley: “A mushroom’s gonna come out of that brick?”
Kennedy: “Yeah, and it’s gonna make you grow.”
Lashley: “What the Hell was the dude who made this game smokin’?”
Kennedy: “Damnit Lashley you are the worst Mario player I’ve ever seen! Gimme that controller!”
Lashley: “NO!” Ò_Ó
Kennedy: “I said give me it! Drop the controller, you douchebag!”
Shane: “Guys, come on, cut it out. Geez...”
Kennedy & Lashley: “Fine...” V_V
Kennedy (whispering): “You suck!”
Lashley: “It least I killed that turtle!”
Mr. McMahon enters.
Shane: “Hey, dad... nice job out there. I could see Cena shakin’ in his boots.” >:-D
Vince: “Thanks... so, uh... why are they playing Mario?”
Shane: “Who knows? Kennedy started playin’ it last week and they haven’t stopped since. Weird...”
Mr. McMahon unplugs the system.
Vince: “Come on, guys, enough of the damn video games. It’s time to concentrate! Tonight is going to be the end of the Throng, goddamnit!”
Shane: “Hey dad... were’s Shawn?”
Shane: “He hasn’t been here all day!”
Vince: “What do you mean he hasn’t been here?”
Shane: “I mean he hasn’t been here! I haven’t seen him, and neither have Lashley or Kennedy...”
Vince: “Hmmm.... I’m sure it’s nothing. He’ll be here.”
Shane: “Dad, do you think he might be trying to--”
Vince: “Shane, don’t go there. We had an agreement, and he’s gonna stick to it. Trust me.”
Shane: “Alright, whatever you say...”
The cameras cut to Josh Grisham, who is standing backstage ready to interview a (fully-clothed) Batista.
Grisham: “Batista, first of all I want to thank you for agreeing to this interview.”
Batista: “You’re welcome, Josh.”
Grisham: “First of all, I have to ask you something, and please don’t get offended. But over the past few weeks we have seen you... well, streak around the arena stark naked. But today you’re fully clothed and acting like your normal self. What’s the explanation?”
Batista: “Grisham... things are not funny anymore. They’re serious. Dead serious.”
Grisham: “...What are you talking about?”
Batista: “Twilight is upon the WWE, Josh. And soon... night must fall.”
Grisham: “Are you referring to tonight’s main event?”
Batista: “Grisham, tonight’s main event is but a footnote in the grand scope of the WWE’s future.”
Grisham: “I’m sorry, Batista, but I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Batista: “Don’t worry, Grisham. We are so close, and yet so far from the epiphany. Soon you, along with everyone else on Raw, will understand. Darkness... is... coming...” *_*
Batista creepily backs away...
Grisham: >_> “Alright... uhhh... back to you, JR...”
JR: “What in the Hell was that all about?”
King: “That was one of the most bizarre encounters I have ever seen, Ross.”
JR: “It seems as though there is a new mystery lurking in the background, King...”
King: “Yeah, Batista said we’re so close, but yet so far? What the Hell does that mean?”
JR: “I have no idea on earth, King.”
King: “Well... coming up shortly is another edition of Carlito’s Cabana!”
The cameras cut to the Throng’s dressing room...
Coach: “So you actually grew up fighting on the streets of England?”
Regal: “Yes, and it was quite titillating, to be honest.”
Coach: “What was your win-loss record?”
Regal: “Oh, my dear Coach, it wasn’t about win-loss records.”
Coach: “It wasn’t?”
Regal: “No, sir. It was about surviving. If you lasted long enough to fight another day, that was all the qualifications you needed to earn respect...”
Coach: “Holy crap, dude. Sounds like a vicious environment...”
Regal: “Indeed it was, Coach.”
Coach: “Well... I’m glad you’re on OUR side, Regal...” O_o
Orton: “Hey, Cena. Listen, do you know where HHH is?”
Cena: “Triple H? What do you mean, dawg?”
Orton: “He’s not here, and none of us have seen him all day...”
Regal: “Yes, Cener. Triple Haitch has not been here all day.”
Cena: “Ah, I’m sure it’s nothin’ guys. He’ll be here...”
Coach: “What’s up, Regal?”
Regal: “I think I’m gonna host a new game show tonight!”
Coach: “Alright! I love your game shows! I’ll be sure to watch!”
Orton: “Don’t you need Vince’s permission?”
Regal: “Oh, that miserable specimen can’t stop me... I’m still the General Manager of RAW. Stephanie granted me unassailable executive authority!”
Coach: “What does that mean?”
Regal: “It means I will be General Manager until I tender my resignation! I can’t be fired!”
Orton: “Wow, sweet.”
The set for Carlito’s Cabana is all set-up in the ring. The host makes his way to the squared circle...
Carlito: “Last week... Carlito was brutally assaulted by a crazed savage! A beast with animalistic rage and nasty breath! I mean, seriously, have you seen those grills? Umaga’s breath is like a stank-slut sandwich with three damn husbands! Umaga... Carlito is demanding that you come out here right now and explain your actions to Carlito!”
Carlito: “Come down to the ring right now, Umaga! Carlito is not going to wait much longer!”
Melina’s music hits and the vixen makes her way to the ring.
Carlito: “Melina? What are you doing here? This is Carlito’s Cabana...”
Melina: “I know, Carlito...” ;-)
Carlito: >_> “So, uhh... ya like my set?”
Melina: “Ohhh... mm-hmmm... I love your coconuts...”
Carlito: O_O “Yeah? You could rub them if you want...”
Melina: “I’d love to rub those hairy nuts of yours, Carlito...”
Melina edges in closer and closer to Carlito, rubbing her body seductively along his. Carlito does not notice that Umaga is charging the ring, as if there is a rusty spoon wedged deep in his ass cheeks. The savage enters the ring and takes down Carlito.
Melina: “Ha! You idiot! You really think I’d go out with a loser like you, Carlito?!”
Umaga: “FA’A SAMOA!”
Melina: “Oh, and by the way, if Umaga’s breath smells bad, it’s because of what he just did backstage with me!”
JR: “Oh, my dear lord...”
King: “Did she just say that?”
Melina: “C’mon, Umaga... let’s go backstage and give me a Samoan Spike!”
King: “Oh my god!”
Umaga: “DO-WAAA!” >:-D
JR: “Well... we’ve gotta cut to a commercial break. Raw will return!”
The first commercial is for Truth.
Truth Guy: “Many years ago, people determined that smoking was bad for you.” -_-
Random Pedestrian: >_>
Truth Guy: “But the cigarette companies continued to make cigarettes.” -_-
Random Pedestrian: <_<
Truth Guy: “Making cigarettes even though they can hurt you?” -_-
(Editor’s Note: The Truth commercials are one of the most nauseating ads ever to be broadcast on national television. Not only is the host one of the most uninteresting people I have ever laid eyes on, but the arguments set forth in such commercials are asinine. Perhaps Truth should stop blaming the cigarette companies and start placing the blame on the idiots who smoke.)
The second commercial is for Geico.
Narrator: “America was never hit harder than when John F. Kennedy was assassinated. But experts now believe that had the president’s car been insured by Geico, he would have survived. Geico - could save you 15% or more on car insurance.”
The third commercial is for Skittles. There is a cute little bunny rabbit sitting on a log. Nearby, a mutant ladybug is being chased by a voracious scorpion.
Rabbit: “Oh no! The ladybug’s about to die!”
The rabbit pours a bag of Skittles in front of the scorpion, distracting him and confusing him as to which colorful trinket is actually the ladybug.
Ladybug: “Thank you, you saved my life!”
Rabbit: “No problem!” *eats ladybug*
Narrator: “Taste the Rainbow.”
Welcome back to the show! The cameras cut to the New Corporation’s office. Shawn Michaels enters...
Vince: “Shawn, there you are! Where have you been?”
Shawn: “Hey, calm down, Vince. I was just takin’ care of some business as it pertains to tonight’s main event, ok?”
Vince: “Well.... I thought we had an agreement to share our decisions together--”
Shawn: “Stop. We had an agreement that I follow MY rules. Not yours. MINE. Deal with it.”
William Regal makes his way to the ring.
Regal: “Ladies and gentlemen... welcome to a brand new WWE game show!”
Regal: “Tonight’s game is entitled ‘Kiss the Ugly Frog.’ Now the rules of this game are very simple: each contestant must say something nice about the other two participants. The individual who I believe is the most sincere is the winner! Now the reward for winning will not be revealed until the end of the game! Now then, introducing the contestants! First... he is a sadomasochistic freak of nature... Snitsky! Next, he is an obsequious toerack... Santino. Finally, he epitomizes gung-ho Americanism... Hacksaw Jim Duggan! Let the game’s begin! Hacksaw, why don’t we start with you...”
Hacksaw: “Santino... you’re pretty athletic for not being an American! And Snitsky... our forefathers would be proud of your mercilessness!”
Regal: “Amazing... I was unaware you could say anything other than--”
Regal: “Yes... that. Anyway... Santino, you’re next...”
Santino: “Ahem... Meester Regale... I refuse to-a take part-a in this, how you say, miserable excuse for a game show!”
Regal: “What in the bloody Hell is wrong with you?”
Santino: “America is-a da worst country in-a do entire world!”
Boos of Brobdingnagian proportions.
Regal: “Play the damn game before I lock you into the Regal Stretch!”
Santino: “Calm-a down, Regale. Please. Alright, I will play-a your little game. Ahem, Meester Hacksaw... despite da fact that you have-a lots of, uh, how you say, loose skin, you look better for-a your age.”
Santino: “And you... Snitsky.”
Snitsky stands up.
Santino: “Hey, calm down-a, now, you monster. I just-a wanted to say dat your features are so.. ehh... refined! Da symmetrical placement of the acne on-a your back makes Euclid-a jealous. And-a your exquisite teeth are so, eh... profound.” >_>
Regal: “You’re not a very good flatterer, Santino. Snitsky, you’re next.”
The crowd surprisingly cheers.
Snitsky: “Hacksaw... I see you’ve got a big piece of wood there. Yeah... well I’ve got wood, too. But it’s not in my hand... at least not right now. It could be in your hands later if you’d like...”
Snitsky: “...or maybe I could just torture you all night long and shiver my timbers to your squeals of anguish...”
Snitsky: “And you... Santino...”
Santino: “What’s up?”
Snitsky: “One guess.”
Snitsky: “I know you haven’t forgotten about our last encounter...”
Santino: “Umm... I don’t have-a any idea what you are-a talkin about.” >_>
Snitsky: “Oh, no I’m sure that you do, Santino. I’ve violated colons before, but that one was my favorite. I love making young Italians beg for mercy...” >:-D
Regal: “Ummm... Snitsky is the winner of the game!”
Regal, Santino and Hacksaw quickly leave the ring...
Snitsky: “Regal... what’s my reward?”
Regal: “Your reward is not being locked up in an asylum you sick, twisted specimen!”
JR: “Tonight has been one Hell of a ride so far, King!”
King: “Ross, with all the sexual innuendos going around lately, please don’t call tonight ‘one Hell of a ride.’ Get it?”
JR: “Ah, yeah I got ya, King.”
King: “Good. Goooooood. I can feel your anguhhh...”
JR: “Oh, damnit, not again...”
King: “Your suffering will be legendary, even in Hell!”
JR: “What did I do?!”
King: “You killed him! You SON OF A *****!, you KILLED HIM!” :’(
The cameras cut back to the Throng’s dressing room. Triple H enters.
Cena: “Hey, where have you been, man?”
HHH: “What are you talkin’ about?”
Cena: “We’ve been preparing for our match all night and you don’t show up until now?”
HHH: “What’s your problem, man?”
Cena: “My problem is you not being a team playa, holmes!”
HHH: “Yo who the--”
Orton: “Guys! Guys! Relax... come on. Trips, just tell Cena where you were so he can calm down and get back to business.”
HHH: “I was takin’ care of some business, alright?”
Cena: “You were--”
HHH: “I was taking care of BUSINESS. End of discussion.”
Triple H leaves angrily.
Orton: “What the Hell was that all about?”
Cena: “I don’t know, Randy... but somethin’ ain’t right.”
The cameras cut to the office of the New Corporation.
Vince: “Alright guys, the match is coming up next. Are you ready?”
Shane: “I’m ready to tear them apart, pops!”
Mr. Kennedy: “The Throng is going down!”
Lashley: “I’m gonna get you, Bowser!”
Lashley: “Oh, sorry! Uh, yeah! Down with the Throng!”
HBK: “The stable’s goin’ down tonight, and I’m gonna be the one to break it down.”
HBK leaves before the others.
Shane: “Did he just say--”
Vince: “It’s just a coincidence, Shane. Relax...”
The cameras cut back to the Throng’s dressing room. Triple H comes back in.
Cena: “Look, I’m sorry for gettin’ all up in your face before, man. Let’s just go out there and kick some ass, aiight?”
HHH: “I’m with ya man.”
Orton: “Let’s do it.”
Coach: “I’m ready!”
Regal: “Those miserable specimens are gonna feel like they’ve been hacked up with a bloody hatchet!”
The cameras cut back to the announcer’s booth.
JR: “The time is now, King! The date is set and the match is on! I am SO pumped!”
King: “Me too, JR! I can’t wait to see which stable finally gets to claim dominance over the WWE! Will it be the New Corporation or the Throng?”
JR: “We’re about to find out!”
The New Corporation (Mr. McMahon, Shane McMahon, Bobby Lashley, Mr. Kennedy and Shawn Michaels) make their way to the ring, followed by the Throng (John Cena, Triple H, Randy Orton, The Coach and William Regal).
JR: “Good lord the intensity is through the roof! My blood pressure is skyrocketing! King, hand me a xanax!”
King: “We don’t have anymore!”
JR: “Aw, damnit! Oh well...”
The bell rings and the match is under way! Mr. McMahon starts off the match for the New Corporation, while the Coach does so for the Throng. Vince goes for a Clothesline but Coach ducks and nails the boss with a few right hands, busting him open the early going of the match! Infuriated, Vince tags in Shane, but Coach tags in Regal. The Southpaw from England goes to work on the son of the Chairman, planting him with a Gutwrench Suplex followed by a Half Nelson Suplex. Regal locks on a Goku-Raku Stretch but Mr. Kennedy breaks it up. Shane tags in Lashley, who goes to work on Regal.
JR: “I can’t imagine what these ten individuals must be feeling right now, King!”
King: “Me neither!”
Lashley plants Regal with a Military Powerslam. Regal manages to surprise Lashley with a Drop Toe Hold and he tags in Orton, who delivers a series of stomps to Lashley. Orton connects with an Inverted Backbreaker and Lashley kicks out at 2. He goes for his patented running punt but Lashley dodges and takes down Orton with a Clothesline before tagging in Mr. Kennedy, who delivers several shoulder thrusts to the Legend Killer (err, make that Legend Destroyer).
Fifteen minutes later...
All five members of both teams are still in the match, and a couple steel chairs are lying on the mat. Shawn Michaels and John Cena are in the ring. Cena goes for a diving shoulder block but HBK ducks. He goes for Sweet Chin Music but Cena dodges that and goes for an F-U. HBK fights out of it and goes for a Schoolboy Roll-up. 1... 2... kick out! Cena takes down HBK with a Protoplex and crawls over to his corner. He tags in the Game. Triple H enters the ring and charges at Michaels, but stops. HBK gets to his feet and both men stare at each other, smiling.
JR: “What in the Hell is going on here?”
Vince: “Attack him, damnit!”
Cena: “Trips, what the Hell are you doing?!”
Triple H and HBK both grab a steel chair and begin attacking their own teammates! Having left both the Throng and the New Corporation in decimation, HBK and HHH signal that D-Generation-X is back! They exit, leaving eight battered bodies around the ring. The referee counts them out and the match is now down to Vince, Shane, Lashley and Kennedy VS Cena, Orton, Coach and Regal.
King: “What in the world?!”
JR: “D-X is back! D-X is back! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!”
Five minutes later...
The teams have recovered and it is now Coach in the ring, battling against Mr. Kennedy. Coach attempts a right hand but Kennedy ducks and delivers a Low Blow. He rams Coach’s head into the turnbuckle before delivering the Green Bay Plunge for the 1-2-3. Regal appears frustrated and jumps off the ring apron. He heads up the ramp and gets himself counted out!
JR: “What the Hell is Regal doing?! He’s just turned his back on the Throng! Why is everything falling APART?!”
With the New Corporation in firm control, Mr. McMahon enters the ring with Randy Orton. Vince swings a chair but Orton dodges the attempt and spits in Mr. McMahon’s face before delivering an RKO. He goes for the cover but Shane breaks it up. Cena enters the ring and takes down Shane. Orton grabs a chair and whacks Shane over the head with it. Vince recovers and Orton tags in Cena, who takes down the chairman with a Russian Legsweep followed by a Throwback. Vince desperately tags in Mr. Kennedy. Vince and Shane talk a little before heading up the ramp, apparently refusing to give in to anymore physical abuse!
King: “This match is insane, Ross! These factions are literally deteriorating before our very eyes!”
JR: “My God this is incredible! The match is now down to Lashley and Mr. Kennedy against Cena and Orton!”
Ten minutes later...
All four men are still in the match. Cena is in the ring with Lashley, who’s legs have been worked on intermittently throughout the course of this match-up. Cena connects with a Shin Breaker and goes to lock on the STF-U but Mr. Kennedy breaks it up. Orton and Mr. Kennedy battle on the outside and Lashley plants Cena with a Running Powerslam! 1... 2... Th- kick out! Lashley is bewildered and Cena locks on the STF-U out of nowhere! Lashley is forced to submit!
JR: “Yes! YES! The Throng have taken the lead, BAW GAWD!”
Cena celebrates in the ring. He turns around only to be met with an RKO!
JR: “What?! NO! Why, Orton, why?! Why you sonofa*****?! DAMNIT! DAMNIT!”
King: “Orton just turned on Cena! I knew he wanted that title back!”
Orton heads up the ramp and gets counted out. The match is down to Cena and Mr. Kennedy. The latter is still on the outside, after being whipped into the steel steps by Orton. Cena is attempting to get back to his feet.
JR: “Come on, Cena! Get up, you can do it!”
Orton turns back and runs down to the ring. He lifts Cena and plants him with an RKO onto a steel chair!
JR: “GODDAMNIT THAT SICK BASTARD!”
Orton exits and Mr. Kennedy slowly eeks his way back into the ring. He crawls over to Cena and lethargically places a limp arm over Cena’s chest.
We have 1!
JR: “Kick out John! Kick out!”
We have 2!
JR: “You’ve gotta kick out John! You can do it! KICK OUT!”
JR: “Oh... GOD!”
Chimel: “John Cena has been eliminated! The winners of the match... the New Corporation!”
JR: “Damnit the corporation has won!”
King: “What Corporation, Ross? They’ve disbanded! And so have the Throng! Everything has fallen apart, Ross! What’s going to happen next?!”
Orton re-emerges from backstage with a microphone.
Orton: “Hey, Cena. Cena! I know you’re a little beat up, but try and listen, ok? You should’ve known better than to trust me! That WWE Championship belongs to ME! It’s MINE, Cena! You hear me?! And I am going to take it back! Mark... my... words!”
Mr. Kennedy groggily gets to his feet and procures a microphone.
Mr. Kennedy: “Hey, Orton! I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, jackass! I just beat John Cena, and as far as I’m concerned, that puts ME in the title hunt, not you! Looks like your plan just backfired, you dumb bastard!”
Cena, staggering and reeling, gets a mic of his one. Gasping for breath...
Cena: “Orton... Kennedy... listen to me you pieces of scum.... *sigh* It doesn’t matter... *cough* which one of you it is... it doesn’t matter... who faces me for this title... because I will never back down... you bastards... *cough* you hear me?! It doesn’t matter who it is because--”
The lights go out.
JR: “What is going on here?”
King: “JR... do you think... do you think this is what Batista could’ve been talking about?!”
JR: “Oh my God, I don’t know...”
The lights turn back on, but nothing has happened. Orton, Mr. Kennedy and Cena all have concerned looks on their faces. Each leaves, battered and fatigued...
JR: “Ladies and gentlemen, this has been one of the most ungodly events that I think we will perhaps ever see! John Cena gave you his body, he gave you all his soul here tonight! But it was that damn treacherous Orton who was his undoing! Cena seems to have two hungry lions nipping at his heels, King. And they want that WWE Championship.”
King: “I don’t think this is over, JR.”
JR: “Absolutely not, King. The war has just begun...”
Unbelievable! Both factions are completely dissolved and yet normalcy is still out of reach! With the chaos of both Orton and Mr. Kennedy ensuing, will John Cena manage to survive the adversion? And what of Batista’s warnings of an imminent darkness? Was the power outage a sign of this ominous arrival? The dust has settled but the war is far from over...
Chapter XVII: Darkness Has Fallen...
Date: Monday, November 19, 2007
Last night at Survivor Series, the world was shocked when both the New Corporation and the Throng deteriorated, allowing Mr. Kennedy to take out a battered and beaten John Cena. The Monday Night RAW in shambles, what's to happen with the WWE Championship? And what of Batista's prophetic warning about darkness coming to the WWE? Does pathos lie in the future of RAW?
JR: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have seen the Great Wall of China. I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt. I've even seen a grown man satisfy a camel..." >_>
King: "Don't look at me!"
JR: "...but I've never seen anything that even closely resembles what transpired last night. We all thought that Survivor Series would be the be-all, end-all for one of the two stables. It was the end for both of them!"
King: "Indeed it was, Ross. But it seems to me that Mr. Kennedy is the new No. 1 contender."
King: "What do you mean, why?"
JR: "Why should Cena even have to defend his title?"
King: "JR, just... *sigh* forget it..." Under his breath "****** cowboy..."
JR: "What was that?"
King: "Oh, uh, I said, '******* cowboy.'"
John Cena makes his way to the ring.
Cena: "Yeah, I'm hurt. But I'm gonna fight through it because I am the WWE champion! And now that the New Corporation ain't up my ass anymore, I can focus on takin' out all the thugs and haters who've been nippin' at my heels and stompin' in my feces!"
JR: "You tell 'em, Cena!"
Cena: "And that's gonna start tonight. Mr. Kennedy, you pinned me last night, but it wasn't as exciting as when I pinned your momma to her bed the night before! That's right, *****! What are you gonna do about it? Come out here so I can kick your ass!"
King: "That wasn't appropriate..."
JR: "Aw, come on, King... he just raped Mr. Kennedy's mom, what's wrong with that?"
Mr. Kennedy emerges from backstage.
Kennedy: "Cena, you can try to get under my skin all you want, but that ain't gonna happen. You see, I'm gonna take you down one step at a time, and that's gonna start tonight. But not when you're expecting it, Cena. It's gonna be on my time. So you'd better watch your back, cuz I'm gonna be ******* on your ***** and *** the ***** to *******!"
King: "Good grief!"
Orton emerges from backstage...
Orton: "Now just hold on a second here. Mr. Kennedy, now I don't know what the Hell you're on, but I want some. Now John, I know that Mr. Kennedy pinned you last night, but I'm the one who made that possible, so I say it's ME who deserves the shot at your title!"
Cena: "Well now first of all ya medley-mouthed bastard, you outta know I don't trust one single son of a *****, much less you! You come out here in your little furry gimmicks, your little messed-up boots, your little red dress, your little goatee, looks like your cat ran off. Am I supposed to be impressed by you? Are you supposed to intimidate me, am I supposed to be scared?"
Cena: "Sorry, I've been watching WrestleMania 21 a lot lately..."
JR: "Orton is a jackass."
Mr. McMahon appears.
Vince: "Damnit the WWE isn't supposed to be anarchy! Now tonight we're gonna decide once and for all who's the No. 1 contender! It's gonna be Mr. Kennedy against Randy Orton and the winner is the new No. 1 contender! Now GET OUTTA MY SIGHT."
JR: "What a main event! I think--"
Batista appears on the Titantron.
Batista: "Hey Cena, Orton, Kennedy... none of this bickering matters. Soon... very soon... the WWE will experience the beginning of a new era... which will unleash a plague... for which the WWE has never seen. Only the strong... shall survive..."
King: "OK, JR, I'm really gettin' frightened now..."
JR: "Hold me."
Tonight Mr. Kennedy and Orton are gonna square off to determine the new No. 1 contender! What will Cena have to say about this? Will Batista's foreboding words come to fruition? Would yellowskittle go out with me? Find out when RAW returns!
Welcome back to Monday Night Raw! Everyone is braced for an historic encounter between Randy Orton and Mr. Kennedy later on tonight to determine who the new No. 1 contender is going to be for John Cena's WWE Championship. For the moment, JR and King are telling each some funny (or not) wrestling jokes. Let's listen in, shall we?
JR: "King, what do you call an ape with opposable thumbs?"
King: "I don't know, what?"
JR: "Mark Henry!"
King: "Uhhh... that wasn't very politically correct, Ross..."
JR: "Oh, stop being such a lackey to society, King. Break free from your shackles of oppression!"
King: "Whatever, here's my next joke: 'What's tan, slimy and smells like Melina?'"
JR: "Hmmm... I have no idea."
King: "Batista's finger."
JR: "Oh, my dear lord!"
King: "Do you have anymore?"
JR: "Knock Knock."
King: "Who's there?"
JR: "The Great Khali."
King: "The Great Khali who--"
JR: "Gimme your best joke!"
King: "Ok... let me think.... alright, I got it! What's the difference between Amazing Kong and Chyna?"
JR: "I don't know, what?"
King: "Nothing! It's all a matter of whether you prefer roast beef or steak!"
JR: "Oh, God, that's disgusting!"
The cameras cut to backstage, where D-Generation-X is making a ruckus. They knock on Mr. McMahon's door.
Vince: "*sigh* What do you guys want?"
HHH: "Hello, sir, we're trying to sell some personally autographed D-X merchandise, and we were wondering if you'd like to buy some."
HBK: "Of course, seeing as how you are the Chairman of the WWE, we'd be willing to give you an offer. How about... $30 for this shirt right here! It's got a picture of your head being rammed in Big Show's ass!"
HHH: "Whaddaya say?"
Vince: "Get the HELL away from me right now, you... you... that... that... that DAMN D-X!"
HHH & HBK: *shrug* "Oh well, let's ask somebody else..."
HBK (off-camera in the distance, barely audible): "Hey, Stan! Would you like to buy-- hey, come back!"
Vince re-enters his office, where Orton and Mr. Kennedy are relaxing...
Orton: "So, what's up, Vince?"
Mr. Kennedy: "That's Mr. McMahon to you, Randy."
Orton: "Kennedy, remove Vince's balls from your chin, ok?"
Vince: "Hey, hey, hey! Cut it out, now I asked you both to come here because I want to make sure that John Cena's life remains exhausting. I want BOTH of you to face him for the WWE Title, not just one of you."
Mr. Kennedy: "How are we going to do that?"
Vince: "I've decided to add Bobby Lashley into tonight's match."
Vince: "You two are gonna double-team him and pin him at the same time! That way it's John Cena against both you! What do you think?"
Mr. Kennedy: "You are wiser than the law should allow, dad."
Orton: "Fine with me, later."
Vince (whispering to Mr. Kennedy): "Listen... make sure you guys defeat Lashley, alright? If this doesn't work... it's gotta work!"
Mr. Kennedy: "Pops, it's fine. We're gonna take him out, you've got my word."
Batista's finger? I don't get it... anyway, stay tuned for more of Monday Night RAW!
Welcome back to Monday Night Raw. The main event is coming up soon, which Mr. McMahon has altered by throwing Bobby Lashley into the mix. What does John Cena have to say about this change? Josh Grisham is about to find out...
Grisham: "Excuse me, John, I'd just like to get your thoughts on the recent revelation that Mr. McMahon has added Bobby Lashley to tonight's No. 1 contender's match."
Cena: "My thoughts? I'll tell you my thoughts, homey. Vince is a low-life son of a *****. Always has been, always will be. He tries to make my life a livin' Hell but he can never seem to realize that I never back down. Well Vince, I suggest you get a glass stomach, 'cuz then you wouldn't have to worry about pullin' your head outta your ass. You'd be able to see where you're goin' then!"
Cena walks off, frustrated. The cameras cut back to JR and King...
JR: "King, the WWE Champion is obviously a little upset."
King: "A little? He just went on a tirade!"
JR: "Well, can you blame him?"
King: "Can you blame Mr. McMahon for trying to get rid of him?"
The cameras cut to Mr. McMahon's office. Someone knocks on the door...
Mr. McMahon: "Come in!"
Mr. McMahon: "Ah, Batista, what can I do for you?"
Mr. McMahon: >_>
Batista: "The time is drawing near..."
Mr. McMahon: "Uh, the time for what, exactly?"
Batista: "The writing is on the wall, and soon... the WWE will fall to darkness..."
Mr. McMahon: "Alright, I don't know what all this prophesy crap is about but it's gonna stop right--"
Batista: "Night is inevitable. You can run, and you can hide. But it will find you, it will corrupt you, and it will destroy you. Twilight is dimming, Mr. McMahon... the time is drawing near..."
Mr. McMahon: O_o
The cameras cut back to the commentator's booth.
King: "This is really starting to freak me out, Ross..."
JR: "'The time is drawing near'? What is Batista alluding to?"
King: "I have no idea, but I'm pretty damn unnerved right now..."
JR: "Ominous words from the Animal... well, ladies and gentlemen, it is finally time for the main event!"
Randy Orton, Bobby Lashley and Mr. Kennedy head down to the ring. The bell rings and the match is underway. Orton and Kennedy immediately double-team Lashley, connecting with several rights and kicks before taking him down with a Double Suplex. He attempts to retaliate but the double-team continues. Kennedy rams Lashley's head into the turnbuckle and Orton follows it up with an Inverted Neckbreaker.
JR: "This match is so important, King! This is going to determine John Cena's next opponent for his WWE Championship!"
Lashley finally begins to make a comeback, tossing Kennedy aside with an Overhead Belly to Belly Suplex and taking Orton down with a series of Clotheslines. He lifts Orton over his head and prepares for a Military Press but Kennedy surprises him from behind with a Chop Block, knocking him down. Orton and Kennedy stomp away at the downed Lashley, adding to his punishment. They both go for the cover, but Lashley manages to kick out.
King: "This Lashley is just so powerful, JR. I can't believe he just kicked out of a double pin!"
Kennedy connects with a Superplex and goes for the pin, but Orton pulls him off Lashley. Kennedy and Orton begin to have words with each other. While arguing, Lashley takes advantage and connects with a Double Clothesline. He delivers a few Greco-Roman throws to both individuals. Kennedy charges but Lashley ducks and sends him over the top rope and to the outside. Lashley turns around and Orton goes for the RKO. Lashley counters, shoving Orton into the ropes and connecting with a Spear upon return. 1... 2... 3!
JR: "Oh my God! Lashley has done the unthinkable, King! He's survived essentially a handicap match!"
King: "This mean's John Cena's next opponent is Bobby Lashley?!"
JR: "It sure does!"
Mr. McMahon emerges from backstage, obviously irate...
Vince: "Damnit, Orton! All I asked was for you two to co-exist in this match, but you couldn't do it, could you?! How many times are you gonna fail me? You know what, I have the answer to that: never again! Randy Orton... YOU'RE... FIRREEEEEED!"
JR: "Oh my God! Mr. McMahon has just given the pink slip to the Legend Killer!"
King: "He can't do that! Orton's one of our biggest stars! Vince you can't do this!"
Vince: "Now get the HELL outta my arena..."
Orton begrudgingly exits the ring and heads backstage as the fans chant 'Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, Good-bye!'
The lights throughout the arena suddenly begin to flicker, then go out entirely. Moments pass, seeming to last forever. Evil music permeates the arena before an eerie blue light emanates from the Titantron. Suddenly, an explosion, followed by a series of Druids. The Titantron then reveals the secret of the darkness...
Titantron: "The New Ministry of Darkness has arrived..."
The Undertaker emerges from backstage, accompanied by Kane, Batista, and Kevin Thorn.
Undertaker: "What we have... is a beginning of a new era. And we will unleash... a plague... for which the WWE... has never seen. John Cena... only the strong... shall survive..."