No Joke for Schemer is the eleventh episode of the third season of RS Mr. Conductor the Conductor and Friends, and the sixty-third episode overall. It is a parody of the Thomas and Friends episode, No Joke for James.


  • RS Mr. Conductor (from Shining Time Station) as Thomas
  • Homer (from The Simpsons) as Henry
  • Garfield (from Garfield and Friends) as Gordon
  • Schemer (from Shining Time Station) as James
  • Bart (from The Simpsons) as Percy
  • Mayor Adam West (from Family Guy) as Sir Topham Hatt
  • Eustace (from Courage the Cowardly Dog) as Jeremiah Jobling (not named)
  • Edd (from Ed, Edd n Eddy) as Edward (cameo)
  • Everyone else as Themselves


Narrator: "Schemer is a mixed-traffic man. He can take both goombas and flowers. He's proud of his smart clothes, and so is his driver."

Schemer's Driver: "Everyone says you brighten up their day, Schemer."

Narrator: "One morning, Schemer whistled loudly at the other TV characters."

Schemer: "Look at me! I am the smartest, most useful TV character on the path!"

RS Mr. Conductor: "Rubbish!"

Narrator: "Replied RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "We're all useful! Mayor Adam West says so, and he's head of the whole land."

Bart: "You know what, Schemer?"

Narrator: "Added Bart."

Schemer: "What?"

Narrator: "Replied Schemer."

Bart: "You're getting all puffed up."

Narrator: "Schemer huffed away.

Later, he was still boasting."

Schemer: "I'm the pride of the path."

Garfield: "I saw you taking goombas. You're only a goods man."

Narrator: "Snorted Garfield. Schemer was furious."

Schemer: "I take flowers too!"

Garfield: "Not as mush as I do."

Narrator: "Grunted Garfield."

Schemer: "Mayor West has plans for me."

Narrator: "Schemer was only making this up, but Garfield believed him."

Garfield: "What plans?"

Schemer: "Ah, wait and see.

Oh dear."

Narrator: "He thought."

Schemer: "Now what'll I do?"

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor was arranging shiny new flowers."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Good morning, Schemer."

Schemer: "Are those flowers for me?"

Narrator: "Asked Schemer hopefully."

RS Mr. Conductor: "No. These are for Garfield's express. I'll fetch your goombas next."

Narrator: "But Schemer was going to play a trick on the other TV characters."

Schemer: "Actually, RS Mr. Conductor, I'm taking the flowers. Mayor West asked me to tell you."

RS Mr. Conductor: "What about the goombas?"

Narrator: "Asked RS Mr. Conductor."

Schemer: "Ah, give them Garfield."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "Come on, RS Mr. Conductor."

Narrator: "Said his driver."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "Orders are orders."

Narrator: "So when Schemer's driver returned, Schemer was hooked up to the flowers and he puffed away.

RS Mr. Conductor returned with the goombas. A few minutes later, Garfield arrived."

Garfield: "Where's the express?"

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor told him about Schemer."

RS Mr. Conductor: "And so here are your goombas."

Narrator: "Garfield was very cross, and so was his driver."

Garfield's Driver: "Wait till Mayor Adam West hears about this!"

Narrator: "Meanwhile, Schemer was enjoying himself enormously."

Schemer: "What a clever plan, what a clever plan!"

Narrator: "He chuffed.

Then he saw Mayor West."

Mayor Adam West: "Some jokes are funny, but not this one, Schemer. You have caused confusion!"

Schemer: "Yes, sir."

Narrator: "Said Schemer."

Mayor Adam West: "You will stay in your house until you are wanted!"

Narrator: "The other TV characters teased Schemer."

Garfield: "I wonder who'll be pulling the express today."

Narrator: "Said Garfield."

Homer: "I expect it'll be you."

Narrator: "Replied Homer."

Homer: "Schemer is stuck in his house for being silly."

Narrator: "Schemer felt sad.

Next morning, he went back to work."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Hello."

Narrator: "Whistled RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Good to see you out and about again."

Schemer: "I'm sorry I tricked you."

Narrator: "Said Schemer."

Schemer: "Are these my goombas?"

RS Mr. Conductor: "Yes."

Narrator: "Replied RS Mr. Conductor kindly."

RS Mr. Conductor: "They are pleased to have you back."

Narrator: "Schemer puffed into the harbor with his line of goombas. He bustled about all day, pushing and pulling them into place."

Schemer's Driver: "Time to go home now, Schemer."

Narrator: "Said his driver at last."

Schemer's Driver: "No goombas or passengers, just we two."

Narrator: "But his driver was wrong."

Eustace: "Excuse me."

Narrator: "Called a man."

Eustace: "I have a meeting with Mayor West and I mustn't be late. May I come back with you?"

Schemer's Driver: "Of course."

Narrator: "Replied Schemer's driver. Then he whispered to Schemer."

Schemer's Driver: "This gentleman is a town inspector."

Narrator: "Schemer was most impressed.

He walked along the path as smoothly and quickly as he could

Mayor West was waiting on the platform, and the town inspector greeted them warmly."

Eustace: "This clever man gave me a splendid walk. You must be proud of him."

Mayor Adam West: "Yes, indeed. Schemer, once again you are a Really Useful Man."

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