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Pieism is a satirical religion which was created and adopted by a number of individuals between 2002 and 2015.

Pieism is based around the worship of one or many Pie gods. There are at-least eight known different groups of Pieists which are largely independent and usually quite different to each other. There are huge size and complexity differences between each group. Each Pieism usually has its own holy book, commandments and variety of minor gods. Most forms of Pieism promote the eating of Pie, with some exceptions, and often other food as well but most are more based on the humour of the Pie rather than the consumption of the Pie itself.

The eight known sects of Pieism are as follows:

  • The Church of JoJo Pieism
  • The Church of Pie
  • The Holy Church of Pie
  • The Sacred Text a la Mode (
  • The International Church of Pie
  • The Amigos Union of Pie
  • The Pieism of Connor-Craig
  • The Church of Pieism


Pieism has no one true originator, as at-least seven people who had never met at all created the religion between 2002 to 2014 at different dates, in different parts of the world. The International Church of Pie was the first Pieism to be founded, closely followed by the Holy Church of Pie and the Sacred Text a la Mode. The other recognised sects were founded later. Here are the founders and founding dates of the known sects of Pieism:

  • The International Church of Pie = existed by 21st September 2002, founding date unknown, by Sister Key Lime
  • The Holy Church of Pie = 4th March 2003, by the Pie Messenger
  • The Sacred Text a la Mode ( = 10th December 2003, by Captain Spankin' Crackers
  • The Church of Pie = 5th May 2005, by Fred Fred Burger
  • The Church of JoJo Pieism = 10th March 2006, by the JoJo
  • The Amigos Union of Pie = 29th May 2006, by Duck
  • Connor-Craig Pieism = discovered around May 2008, founding date unknown, by James Connor-Craig
  • The Church of Pieism = discovered around July 2015, evidence suggests may have existed since the year before, by the holy Meppiah, Elliot.

The Church of JoJo Pieism

This union of Pieists is generally considered to be largest and most active group of Pieists still in existence. Although it started as one church, the Church of JoJo Pieism united with several other smaller groups of Pieism; the New Followers of the Holy Pie and the Cult of Pie, into a union of three churches, before these eventually became one with the Church of JoJo Pieism, leaving the current structure of one church (of JoJo Pieism) inside a religion (of Pieism). These Pieists believe that the Pie has come to Earth in human form as the JoJo, they also believe in recarnation, a number of minor gods and demigods, and that the Pie is opposed by a dark force referred to as the 'Anti-Pie.'.

The Pieist's Prayer

I believe in Pie, the Crust almighty,Creator of Earth and Mars,and in the JoJo, it's Incarnate, our Lord,who was conceived by the Holy Gods, born of the nation England, suffered under Parukia the Anti-JoJo, was baked in a pie and feasted upon; he descended into hell; on the third day he rose again from the dead; he ascended into space, and is seated on the right dish of the almighty Pie ;from there he will come to save us on Judgement Day. I believe in the Holy Gods, the blessed Pieist Church, the reincarnation of beings,t he forgiveness of wrongs, the resurrection of the JoJo, and life everlasting. Amen.  

The Eight Commandments of the JoJo

  1. Thou shall hold no gods above the holy Pie
  2. Thou shall not assault, murder or otherwise harm a fellow sapient mortal without just reason
  3. Thou shall not steal or take possession of property that does not belong to thee
  4. Thou shall not allow any sentient being to experience undue suffering
  5. Thou shall not oppress freedom of speech, assembly or worship at any time
  6. Thou shall treat all food with respect
  7. Thou shall eat pie at-least once a month
  8. Thou shall spread the teachings of the Pie whenever possible  

The Holy Days of JoJo Pieism

  • 1st January : New Pie day : Celebrates the creation of the Universe by the Pie.
  • 28th February : Lobster day : Celebrates the great Lobster god.
  • 10th March : Pieism day : Celebrates the founding of Pieism.
  • 16th April : New Life day : Celebrates the Pie making the first life.
  • 3rd May : All Foods day : Celebrates all food, pie or otherwise.
  • 14th June : Genghis day : Celebrates the earthly sacrifice of Genghis Khan.
  • 25th July : Technology day : Celebrates all the technology we have now and will acquire in the future.
  • 9th August : Bodyguard day : Celebrates the birth and life of the Bodyguard.
  • 30th August : JoJo day : Celebrates the birth and life of the JoJo.
  • 10th September : Reformation day: Celebrates the continued evolution and reformation of Pieism.
  • 21st September : Pokemon day : Celebrates the miracle of Pokemon.
  • 11th October : Tabby Fat day : Celebrates Tabby Fat.
  • 5th November : Anti-Traitor day : Celebrates the failure of traitors such as Judas, Guy Falkes and Jojo Misawoki.
  • 4th December : Gods day : Celebrates the four gods who do not have their own holy day.
  • 25th December : Khanmas day : Celebrates the birth of our saviour, Genghis Khan. 

The Pieism of Connor-Craig

The website belonging to the Pieism of Connor-Craig was discovered by the JoJo on 20th May 2008, it's founding date is entirely unknown though if the copyright notice at the bottom is to be believed, the sect has existed since 2006. It is also assumed that the sect was founded by an individual named James Connor Craig who is mentioned in the second Commandment of the Connor-Craig Pieble.

From the Holy Book "The Pieble" the Commandments are as follows

The 13 commandments

  • 1. Eat Pie
  • 2. Worship James Connor Craig And pie
  • 3. You Cannot Be Called Steven Morris
  • 4. You cannot Be Called Kearin Ogg
  • 5. You must like Pie
  • 6. You must only Worship Pieism
  • 7. The 13 Commandments Must Have 13 commands otherwise the 13 commandments only have 12 or less commandments therefore there is not 13 commandments.
  • 8. Read above
  • 9. This must be the 9th commandment
  • 10. You must not believe in God, only pie
  • 11. you must not believe in the bible as it was probably made by some random teenager Wanting to have some fun.
  • 12. This is the only Truly Holy Book
  • 13. All content is © 2002-2003BC. All rights reserved.

The International Church of Pie

The International Church of Pie is the oldest known sect of Pieism, with the Wayback Machine showing the site existed on 21st September 2002 and most likely some time before that. Generally, it has many similarities to the Holy Church of Pie and has pretty much the same beliefs. Its commandments give you an idea on what the sect is like.


I am the Almighty Pie, who saved you from the over-sweet, frosty entrapment of Cake, and even from his evil spawn, the Daemon Cupcake. Thou shalt not partake in any tasty sweet besides Me, and, above all, shun the Cake and his consorts. Those who do this successfully, and find themselves craving naught but My fruity, syrupy goodness and graham cracker crust, will be admitted to the Paradise lost by thy forbears, the Great Pie in the Sky. However, if at any moment you refuse to snuff any desire for any dessert besides Me, and deny Me My rightful place of honor as your personal favorite, thou shalt be damned into the steamy depths of the realm of Cake, where thou shalt be tormented by overheated frosting. Thy children, on down through the fourth generation, shall partake of this dark fate themselves because of their father's rampant sweet tooth.


My name, the Good and Benevolent Pie, should be used freely by those who do Me well by speaking of it; of course, being my faithful children, thou shalt never speak ill of me, lest ye suffer the fate of the Daemon Cupcake and his unholy kin. However, any homophones similar to my name shalt not be spoken by any of my followers! The mathematical symbol shalt be shunned, as taking My name in vain, as well as any other such blasphemy. Articulation of this evil character shall be guilt upon thy conscience.


Six days shalt thou labor in My name, not only doing the work that thou art created and meant to do, but partaking of Me freely; but remember the Seventh Day, when I rested after creating the Great Pie in the Sky, and tasted it. Not thy beasts, nor thy servants, nor any other person in thy care or sight not taste a bit of My sweet goodness on that day.


Keep holy thy Baker, as he is one of the few of your kindred permitted to so connect the Great Pie with thy mortal world; allow him to create food in My image, for you to partake of, as it is indeed my own body and blood in every gooey bite.


Thou shalt not take the life of any living creature, unless I have shown you need. If thou desirest to partake of a Minced-Meat Pie, which indeed is part of My body and blood, thou art free to slaughter as necessary. If thou discover that any man, be he thy father, thy brother, thy servant, or thy king, freely partakes of the Cake or his daemon Cupcake, and ignores My word and delicious insides, thou art free to take his cursed life and use his meat to make the aforementioned Minced-Meat Pie. Also, in times of need, I may appear to My Pie Convent to alert them to a Holy Cause that would require much war and slaughter as well.


Adultery, without my blessings, shalt be a mark of guilt upon thy conscience. However, any adultery committed while anointed in My name, with the blessings of My pie filling, be it homemade, canned, or otherwise, may be freely allowed. Any child conceived by the adulterers while thusly anointed shall be considered holy and shalt live a pious life in my Pie Convent.


This piemandment shall be heeded utterly, in the exception of absolute poverty; if thou art poor and starving, thou art free to steal the pie of your choice from any grocery store.


Unless thy neighbor is a minion of the unholy Cake and his many fudgy consorts, thou shalt treat him with all due respect. If thy neighbor does partake of his fluffy, oversweet decadency, thou shalt not respect him in the least, however thou shalt still keep thy honesty, as his actions incriminate him enough.


Unless, as aforementioned, thou art a victim of intense poverty and ill luck, thou shalt not be jealous of thy neighbor's pastry. Instead, thou shalt either create a pie yourself, or thou shalt ask for a pie from thy neighbor. Assuming thy neighbor is a goodly and Pie-fearing worshipper, they should gladly allow you some.


Being a Pieist, thou art one of the greatest few of thy kin; thou shalt be favored with eternal life atop the Great Pie in the Sky whilst others boil in the overheated pudding of the lair of the Cake. Thusly, spread the word of Pie, so that others may be saved. Also, encourage all converts to contribute alms, which shalt, of course, be put toward further creation of Pies.

The Holy Church of Pie

The Holy Church of Pie is the second oldest known sect of Pieism, founded by the Pie Messenger. The oldest sect, the International Church of Pie, claims that the Holy Church copied text from it, which may well be true given the striking similarities between the two.

In Summary:

  • The purpose of Pieism is to bring the holy word of Pie to all who do not follow Pieists.
  • The Savior is The Pie Almighty, maker of delicious desserts, of all that is tasty and unfrosted.
  • When you die, you go to Piehalla if you accepted Pie as your savior.
  • You go to The Lake of Eternal Cake if you deny pie and break the ten Piemandments, where you are forced to eat cake for all eternity.
  • The 10 Piemandments:
    1. You shall love Pie and all its fillings.
    2. You shall not steal thy neighbors Pie.
    3. You shall not worship any other gods other than the almighty Pie Gods.
    4. You shall not mutilate any Pie.
    5. You shall not disrespect Pie.
    6. You shall set aside 3 days a week in devotion to Pie
    7. You shall eat a Pie at least once a month.
    8. You shall spread the holy name of Pie.
    9. You shall not dishonor Pie in any way, shape, or form.
    10. You shall not bear false witness against any person who follows Pieism.

The Sacred Text a la Mode

The Sacred Text a la Mode, based in the past on, was a sect founded by Christopher Bennett, also known as Captain Spankin' Crackers, on the 10th December 2003. The sect was initially successful but fell inactive in 2007 after the disappearance of the website, it was further damaged when the last group of STALM followers lead by Captain Pie Master declared allegiance to the JoJo and eventually abandoned the STALM document.

The original Sacred Text A La Mode document retrieved from the Captain Cynic forum:

The Sacred Text A La Mode

At first there was nothing. And then there was pie. Pie is all around us. The Pie God created us. Our world baked for four days, and on the fifth day, the Pie God had a beer. The Pie God flies around us in Billions of pie parts, observing our every move. He doesn’t watch us to enforce his morals, because he has none. He just likes to laugh at us. The Pie God loves all humans because we make him laugh so. The world was created in the image of the pie. It has an outer crust and a warm juicy filling in the middle. Pie has existed since the beginning of time. Actually, it was before that. The Pie God inspired the pies we eat today. People who were divinely inspired by his essence created pies. The Greeks were the first to make pie, but it was the settlers of the new America who got pie the way it should be.

If we do something “bad” we know it’s bad. Killing your fellow humans is bad. The Pie God and the other minor Gods in “The After World” deal with whatever we do in our life. We don’t talk about “The After World.” No one knows what happens there, but it’s where the Gods reside. When we die, we go there. If we are bad enough, The Gods will decide, and Fatty Mc Butterpants may eat us, where we will be gnawed on for two millenniums. Sometimes it is said we will be digested into the core of the earth. But we all agree that we are connected in Piedom. In the end, the Pie God decides our fate.

Every Wednesday is when we pray to the Pie God, the day the religion was knownst to humans. To pray, connect your pinkies, ring fingers, and middle fingers together by their tips, pull your palms away from each other, outstretch your index fingers, and bend your thumbs. Acknowledge the Pie God, and you’re done. The Pie God does not mind if you have another religion. You are free to practice it and believe what you want. There is one thing he asks though, and that is to believe in pie. Pieism is all about…believing in pie.

One day every one million years, on March 26th, the Swarming of the Pies takes place. Inadvertently, One million years in “The After World” is one year in our time. So every March 26th is The Swarming of the Pies. This is when the Pie God groups back together all the pie parts flying around the world to become whole again. On this day he cannot see what you do, so one can get away with certain things. On this holiest of days, no pie is to be eaten, because the Pie God cannot form back together with the consumption of pie-based foods. One must wear cool-looking sunglasses on this day in the possibly event of the sun exploding. Which could happen any day now for reasons no one knows. In the case of the sun exploding, whoever is wearing sunglasses will not become blind and would be saved by The Pie God. Plus, they look cool.

The founding day of Pieism is December 10th. It is The Day of Pie. When saying “The Day of Pie.” One must repeat the word “PIE” at least four times after in an echo-like effect. This is to dramatize this day, and make all know that pie is holy. On this day, and with all other Pieism holidays, everyone must be referred to by their Pie Name, which is given to them on the day of initiation. There is a ceremonial pie eaten of choice. Before the feat everyone must say the Pie Hymn. “Oooooh Pie. Mmmmmm.”

On the days before and after every major holiday, pie is to be eaten. Mind you, you may only eat the pie if you celebrate the holiday. The holidays of pie eating are:

  • The days before and after Christmas
  • The day before New Year's Day and on New Year's Day
  • The days before and after Halloween
  • The days before and after Thanksgiving
  • The days of Hanukkah
  • Any Religious Holiday
  • The day of April Fools Day|April Fools (The Pie God has a sense of Humor)
  • Your birthday

These are “Pieism Days” where one rejoices with pie. Everyone must say the Pie Hymn before feasting on a pie of choice. A pie of choice could be any pie. There are many kinds of pies in this Pie-world of ours. Apple Pie, Pecan Pie, Pumpkin Pie, Cherry Pie, Cobbler (food)|Cobbler, Quiche, Pot Pie, Pizza Pie, Crème-filled Doughnuts, Cupcakes, Cake, Crème-filled Danish pastry|Danishes, Shepherd’s Pie, and many more. Everyone is to be referred to by his or her Pie Names on these days.

When someone joins the Pie religion, they eat some form of pie, and have a current member initiate them. The current member says “In Pie We Trust,” and the one joining responds, “I have my finger stuck in the Pie.” They are then given a Pie Name of their choice. It can be anything. If the new member cannot think of a name, a Pie Preacher will give them one, or approve one for them. They are now a fellow Pieist.

Pie Preachers are divine Pieists who spread the religion of Pieism. There are two as of The Day of Pie. Iron Banana and Captain Spakin’ Crackers. But there is no Church for pies. Pies have no house, they are to be shared by everyone. And the Preachers do not try and convert people away from their believed religions, but rather enlighten them about pie.

Some may ask why we eat pies when they are Holy. It is because The Pie God wants to share the pie-goodness of pies. He is pleased when pies are eaten. They were created in his image, and pay respect to him.

There are Minor Gods in “The After World.” These are the offspring of The Pie God. However, they are only minor Gods, and are not as powerful as The Pie God or as cool.

These are the known Gods:

  • The Pie God- Baker of the World.
  • The God of Cupcakes- Was created to give Humans companies such as Hostess.
  • The God of Pumpkin Pie- His self image is eaten at Thanksgiving to make up for missing him on the day of Halloween, a holy day of candy and monsters.
  • The God of Doughnuts- Created to give Humans companies such as Krispy Kreme.
  • The God of Useless Crap- Provided the world with all the stupid things that serve no purpose.
  • The Cake God- Ruler of cakes. Eating cake for a pie is okay, but not as preferred as an actual pie. Cake is the least liked of pies, because it really isn’t a pie. The Cake God gets angry because everyone likes pie so much and he does one bad thing every year. The most cataclysmic event at the time is caused by his temper.
  • Fatty McButterpants- The God who eats.
  • Jumbo, the Guard of The End of the Universe- A giant sperm whale with a top hat and monocle who patrols the End of the Universe so no one gets through. The End of The Universe is filled with scary things we could not possibly comprehend, like Microsoft systems that actually work.
  • The God of Pointy-Things- Ruler of all pointy things in the world. People who love pointy things usually pray to him as well as The Pie God.
  • The Cheese God- Cheese is a divine substance inspired by the Gods. The Cheese God is queen of all dairy products and is feared by those who are lactose intolerant.

There is one thing all Pieists should fear. Clowns. It was Spanky the Clown, a powerful clown entity who once challenged The Pie God. He was slain and sent to the center of Mars for a million eternities. Clowns are evil. People who dress up as clowns are like Satanism|Satanic worshipers. They are worshiping Spanky and his evilness and are minions under his will. If a clown tries to eat you, you can prevent it by clapping your hands and saying, “Blahghiddybloo.”

While we all disagree on certain things, Pieists all believe in one thing…Pie. We all believe in pie. Pie is good. Pie is great. Anyone who hates pie cannot be a Pieist. If someone hates all pies and means it, they are guaranteed to be eaten by Fatty McButterpants when they die.

The Amigos Union of Pie

Also know as TAUOP this sect has some independent beliefs mixed with influences from the Sacred Text A La Mode and the Holy Church of Pie. It's blog has been inactive since 2007. Despite TAUOP's adoption of existing Pieist documents, it also has many of its own beliefs as listed below:

  • never harm a living animal or human (ergo, dont eat meat or fish)
  • never harm any pie, savoury or sweet (ergo, refrain fom eating pie)
  • always try to be kind to both fellow pieists, and non-pieists
  • respect the pie god, the holy oven, and the other gods
  • if you have two of something, give one to your neighbour. sharing is a core ideal to this religion
  • try not to show jealousy towards ohers, and refrain from using methods of revenge
  • wars can always be avoided by showing kindness and love
  • friday is our holy day. greet people by proclaiming "happy friday!"
  • we do not oppose the use of any drugs, as every narcotic has the potential to be safe if used appropriately. always keep an open mind!
  • show love to everyone. hate only makes the world sour!

Interestingly this sect doesn't eat Pie despite the fact that all the groups it is based on do.

The Church of Pie

This form of Pieism is one of only two sects in which the eating of Pie is forbidden. According to the Fred Fred Burger version of the Book of Pie, Pie is sacred and not to be harmed.

This sect also believes that long ago, a man called Fred Fred Burger was the 'Prophet of Pie' who spread the word of Pie all over until he was killed by mooses, who are considered evil by Followers of the Book of Pie. Mooses are led by Ronald McDonald, the evil one. These people also believe that the middle schooler who founded this sect is another Prophet, possibly a reincarnation of Fred Fred Burger.

Hippos, llamas, cheese, and pickles are all considered sacred by followers of the Book of Pie. Hippos are believed to be messengers of the Great Pie. Friday (the Day of Pie) is the day of worship under this sect. Followers must give the Pie offering of Cheese on Friday.

It is believed that once you die, the 'pieful' shall go to join the great Pie in the Land of Pastries, while the 'unpieful' will be tortured by the mooses forever.

The Church of Pieism

The most recently founded sect of Pieism, the Church of Pieism holds Blueberry Pie above all else. The following originates from their site:

The religion of Pieism is the belief that Pies are the ultimate creators of the world. Pies are worshiped and the religions and are treated as gods. The Church of Pieism worships the Holy Meppiah who is the chosen one. The Holy Meppiah has an unbroken connection to the creator, The Blueberry Pie.

The Holy Meppiah is believed to be hidden away from the world and taught in the ways of the Pie. The ways of the Pie is recorded on an ancient pastry of the Meppiah and are only read by the Depieples of the Meppiah. There is currently 17 Depieples, who are the servants of the Meppiah. There are only 13 current Pie Lords.

Legend has it that the Pie Lords of the North were at war with the Pie Lords of the West. The Meppiah at the time joined these 2 clans and decided there would by 2 pie lords who were the direct servants of the Meppiah. The Church of Meppiah is in an unknown location, where the casket of the Meppiahs and the Almighty Blueberry Pie is lying on a podium, looking over the church of Pieism and protecting the Holy Religion.

The Church of Pieism is linked the the enemy of the Strudelists. The world was at harmony when the religion of Pieism was created, it brought peace and harmony to the world for 8 centuries until the Hasburg empire forged a new religion in the Pielands of Russia, and into that religion they poured all their will to dominate the religion of Pieism. One by one the kingdoms of earth were devoured by the religion of Strudelism. There was no hope, but some resisted. The last line of Pieist raised their Pies to the sky on the slopes of Mt Strudel, led by the 58th Meppiah. Victory was near, but the power of the Strudel could not be undone. It was then that the Hasburgian King poisoned the Holy Meppiah and destroyed his pure soul. It was then that the 59th Meppiah toke up his father's Pie and destroyed the creator of Strudelism. Hasburg Empire, the Strudelist of the world, had been defeated.


The Prophecy of the Pie (Piephecy)tells the Holy worshipers, everything about the religion of the Pie. This information is kept in the holy Pieple. The piephecy tells us that the 1st Meppiah flew across the galaxy, spreading his blueberries across the galaxy. On the first day, the Blueberries were turned into planets. On the second day, the seeds in the blueberries turned into forests. On the third day, the juice surrounding the blueberries turned into the lakes and seas of the worlds.

Other potential sects

Aside from the recognised eight sects, there are also a number of potential groups of Pieists whose status as separate sects is either unknown or debatable.

Pieism MSN group

It has been noted by several individuals that up until late 2006 there was a Pieist MSN group, which according to Captain Spankin' Crackers was founded independently of the Sacred Text a la Mode and the Churches of Pie that existed at the time. Unfortunately the group had long since vanished by the beginning of 2007 and with them any information on their origin or what they believed, leaving their sect status unknown.

Una Torta Pieism

This illusive form of Pieism is mainly known by a sole webpage which can be found linked at the bottom of this page, the contents of which are only this:

No sub gods No false Deifysation No place in the list of funny churchs Only one... Una Torta Pieism

Join the Brotherhood

With no further details on their beliefs, it is difficult to determine whether the sect is real or simply a practical joke. The only other information about this potential sect is a comment left on the Pieism Uncyclopedia page by an anonymous user: Una Torta Pieism/The Brotherhood of The Pie: If you like dressing up in black hooded robes and hailing the totally transendant pastry ,then look no further.

People's Association of Pie

The People's Association of Pie was founded in the year 2011 by two boys from Anglo-Chinese School in Singapore. The PAP is a political party and it's mission is to help people fully embrace and appreciate pie. Its motto is 'United in pie we stand'. There are currently 21 members worldwide. If a member betrays the PAP he/she will be listed as 'Inhouroul'. In other words, the offender is banned from the PAP unless they give the PAP 10 fresh strawberry pies. The PAP's guidebook is called the 'Pieist Manifesto'. It is a complete book on everything about Pieism. Unfortunately, as a political party, the PAP has competitors too. The PIA (Poop Is Awsome) was out to win the general elections. At that time, one of the PAP founders discussed a merger with the PIA. They accepted. Their merged group was called TAPP (The Awesome Pooping Pie) and they won the elections aginst the PAPCF (The People's Association for Pie Crust and Filling), founded by the other founder of the PAP who didn't merge. The TAPP then created The People's Association of Pie Department and the JIAA (Jacob Is Awesome Association). The TAPP is so popular that it even has its own (private) group on Facebook.

While the People's Association is undoubtedly a form of Pieism, it cannot really be considered a sect of the religion Pieism since it is a political movement rather than a faith-based organisation.

External Links and References

Wikipedia This page uses content that was added to Wikipedia. The article has been deleted from Wikipedia. The original article was written by these Wikipedia users: Aisu, AndrewH, Bananapee, Canderson7, Chanting Fox Computanialator, Crzrussian, Deathunter, Inkuh, JoJo, Kusma, NawlinWiki, Pevarnj, RexNL, Rigadoun, Rjwilmsi, Twistedrabbit, Wildthing61476, and Zoe. As with Scratchpad Wiki Labs, the text of Wikipedia is available per its licensing.

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