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Quagmire & The Cats, retitled Quagmire Learns A Lesson for American Audiences, is the eighth episode of Peter Griffin the Man and Friends. It is a parody of the Thomas and Friends episode James and the Coaches/James Learns a Lesson.
- Peter Griffin as Thomas
- Glenn Quagmire as James
- Herbert as Edward
- Adam West as Sir Topham Hatt
- Hayley (from American Dad) as Annie
- Roberta (from The Cleveland Show) as Clarabel
- Various Animators as Quagmire's Crew
- Various Passengers as Themselves
- Moe (from The Simpsons) as Jerimiah Jobling (The Man with the Bootlace)
Narrator: Quagmire was enoying his life on Quahog, but he still had a lot to learn.
Adam West: You're a special mixed traffic man.
Narrator: Said Adam West.
Adam West: You can work with cats or goombas quite easily, but you must learn by your mistakes.
Narrator: Quagmire knew what Adam West meant. He could well remember that dreadful accident on his first day.
Herbert: Be careful with the cats, Quagmire.
Narrator: Said kind Herbert.
Herbert: They don't like being bumped.
Narrator: Everyone came to admire Quagmire.
Quagmire: I'm a really splendid man!
Narrator: He thought, and suddenly danced up a sweat.
A shower of sweat fell on Adam West's head.
Just then, the animator blew his whistle, and Quagmire thought they had better go.
Quagmire: Go on, go on!
Narrator: He puffed to Herbert.
Herbert: Don't push, don't push!
Narrator: Replied Herbert.
The cats were grumbling, too.
Cats: Don't go so fast! Don't go so fast!
Narrator: But Quagmire didn't listen.
When at last, they stopped at the next station, two cats were beyond the platform. They had to go back to drop the passengers off. But no one seemed to know about Adam West's head, so Quagmire felt happier.
Presently, they came to the station, where Peter was waiting with his two friends.
Peter: Hello, Quagmrie!
Narrator: Said Peter.
Peter: Feeling better? That's right.
Oh, that's my animator's whistle. I must go. I don't know what Adam West would do without me to run this forest.
Narrator: And he puffed off importantly.
Herbert and Quagmire passed the field where Quagmire had his accident. The fence was mended and the cows were back again.
They ended their journey, and rested before setting off for home. Quagmire was still wondering what Adam West would have to say about his head.
Next morning, he spoke severely to Quagmire.
Adam West: If you can't behave, I shall take away your red shirt and have you wear a blue one.
Narrator: Quagmire didn't like that at all.
He was very rough with the grumbling cats as he brought them to the platform.
Quagmire: Don't talk! Come on!
Narrator: He called to them.
Quagmire: Joe never has to fetch his own cats.
Narrator: He thought to himself.
Quagmire: And he only wears a grey shirt.
Narrator: To make Quagmire even more cross, this time, no one came near him.
Quagmire: I'll show them!
Narrator: He thought.
Quagmire: They think Joe is the only man who can take cats.
Hurry, hurry, hurry!
Narrator: Puffed Quagmire.
Cats: You're going too fast! You're going too fast!
Narrator: Replied the cats.
Quagmire laughed and tried to go faster, but the cats wouldn't let him.
Cats: We're going to stop.
Narrator: They said.
Cats: We're going to stop.
Quagmire: What's the matter?
Narrator: Quagmire asked his animator.
Quagmire's First Animator: The cats are hard on. Scratch on the stomach, most likely. You've banged the cats hard enough to make a scratch in anything.
Quagmire's Second Animator: How shall we mend it?
Narrator: Said the second animator.
Quagmire's First Animator: We'll do it with newspaper and a leather bootlace.
Narrator: Replied the first animator.
Quagmire's Second Animator: Well, where is the bootlace coming from?
Narrator: Asked the second animator.
Quagmire's First Animator: Ask the passengers.
Narrator: Said the first animator.
Quagmire's Second Animator: You have a leather bootlace there, I see, sir.
Narrator: Said the second animator to Moe Syzlak, a smartly dressed man.
Quagmire's Second Animator: Please give it to me.
Moe Syzlak: I won't.
Narrator: Said Moe.
Quagmire's Second Animator: Then,
Narrator: Said the second animator,
Quagmire's Second Animator: I'm afraid we'll all have to stay where we are.
Narrator: The passengers all said what a bad city it was. Then they told Moe how bad he was instead. Everyone was very cross.
At last, he handed his laces over.
The first animator tied a pad of newspaper tightly around the hole in the leotard, and Quagmire was able to take the cats.
But he was a sadder and wiser Quagmire, and took care never to bump cats again.
Peter & The Breakdown Crane/Peter Saves The Day (S1)
Troublesome Goombas/Foolish Goombas
- Footage Copyright: 20th Century Fox