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Glenn Quagmire does not like his favourite porn sites being blocked by parental control so decides to start a protest with his fellow Spooner Street neighbours.

Script

  • (Quagmire is at his computer ready for some porn hardcore)
  • Quagmire: Internet porn, check. Tissues, check. Lotion, check. ALRIGHT!
  • (But, much to Quagmire's horror, the site he is trying to access is blocked by Kasperky Parental Control v51.5)
  • Quagmire: No, no, NOT ALRIGHT!!!
  • (Shortly, Joe, Cleveland and Peter are outside Quagmire's house and Peter is knocking on the door. All that is heard is Quagmire bawling indoors)
  • Peter: I wonder what's with Quagmire today?
  • Cleveland: Yeah, you don't see him every day in this kind of mood.
  • Joe: Let's go in and find out what's bothering the poor pervert.
  • (The trio enter Quagmire's house, and find the sex-crazed man huddled in a corner, sobbing his eyes out with snot coming out of his nose)
  • Peter: Quagmire! What's got you all so messed up like this?! It better not be another encounter with that ignorant hospital clerk.
  • (Cutaway to Peter inside Quahog Hospital with Little Britain's Carol Beer as the clerk)
  • Carol: Computer says no.
  • Peter: But...
  • Carol: Computer says no.
  • Peter: I just...
  • Carol: Computer says no.
  • Peter: Oh, come on, can't you at least let me in, you lazy, sluggish bitch?! My appointment with Dr. Hartman is due right now!!!
  • (Carol pauses for a moment)
  • Peter: I'm waiting...
  • Carol: Computer says no.
  • Peter: FINE!!! Have it your way!
  • (As Peter storms out of the hospital in tears, Carol picks up a Burger King cheeseburger (due to Peter having referenced its slogan) and eats it)
  • Carol: Mmm! Cheeseburger says yes!
  • (Back to the story)
  • Quagmire: Don't you see, Peter?! The bastards at Kaspersky blocked my porn! How am I supposed to get a boner without my half-naked ladies sliding down the fireman's pole and sexy chicks showing their vaginas on webcam???
  • Joe: Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Quagmire.
  • Cleveland and Peter: Same here.
  • Quagmire: Oh...thanks a lot for caring about me, guys. I feel so much better now! Listen, I have a plan to get back at those sons-of-bitches - let's protest outside the Kaspersky HQ for our rights to porn! WHO'S WITH ME?!?!
  • (The friends cheer in agreement. Shortly, a protest is being held, led by Quagmire, Joe, Cleveland and Peter, who hold up signs such as 'Death to Parental Controls', 'Kaspersky is Krap' and 'More Porn, Less Scorn')
  • Angry mob: Angry mob: What do we want? MORE PORN!!! When do we want it? NOW!!!
  • Man: Or at least before Scrubs starts, anyway!
  • Lois: Peter, what's going on?! How the hell...???
  • Peter: I'll tell you what, Lois! We're staging an anti-Kaspersky protest just because they won't leave off our porn sites!
  • Lois: But Peter, these sites are inappropriate and women across the world are acting all sexual and...
  • Peter: The word is SEXY, Lois, and don't get me started about inappropriate. This protest is the key to our freedom. If we don't win 'em over, the internet will be filled with nothing but filters and think of the pervs who spend about $50 on condoms for imaginary sex every day but alas miss their chance. It'll be a nightmare!
  • Lois: DAMMIT, PETER!!! YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! You can just carry on with your stupid march! I don't give a ****!
  • (Lois runs back into the house and slams the door. Peter smiles, knowing that he has stood up to his wife)
  • Peter: Ha ha ha, we just won't quit, will we, guys?
  • (Joe, Quagmire and Cleveland roar even louder. Later, outside the Kaspersky HQ...)
  • Angry mob: What do we want? MORE PORN!!! When do we want it? NOW!!!
  • (Eugene Kaspersky is watching the whole thing from inside his office)
  • Eugene Kaspersky: What are we going to do, Maurice? This is bad. Those bastards will ruin me!
  • Maurice: Not to worry, Mr. Kaspersky. I'll sort this out!
  • (Maurice eats his daily flavourless bread and turns into 'Filtoro', a superhero who supports internet filters and opposes fun)
  • Maurice: For I am Filtoro, here to put a stop to internet pornography!
  • Peter: The word is PORN!!!
  • (Shortly, 'Filtoro' confronts the angry mob)
  • Filtoro: Listen up, men! I am the superhero Filtoro, here to end the horrors of internet pornography!
  • (Peter is fed up of more posh words being used instead of porn or sexy, and lashes out)
  • Peter: Listen, schmuck, if you don't want 12 of your teeth knocked out, I suggest you call it porn!
  • Filtoro: OK, OK! Internet - porn... - has been responsible for 29 premature deaths in men in the past year.
  • Peter: Quagmire, avert your ears!
  • (Quagmire does as told and covers his ears as Filtoro continues with the shocking facts)
  • Filtoro: Here's a fun fact - One man in the United States dies every week from the effects of internet porn.
  • Peter: That sounds NOTHING like a fun fact! Now shut your mouth, Filiberto, or do I have to rip that annoying emblem off your stupid suit and stuff it down your throat???
  • Filtoro: Now, this is the serious bit. If you do not stop your sexual activities...
  • Peter: Oh, THAT DOES IT!!!
  • (Peter beats the crap out of Filtoro, as he has blown his chance. Kaspersky watches in horror as his assistant is ruthlessly pulverised)
  • Eugene Kaspersky: Holy crap!
  • Peter: "Internet porn is a killer", you say..."One man dies every week from it", you say...WELL, SHUT UP!!!

Trivia

  • Peter is known to resort to violence whenever someone says corrected versions of his favourite words, such as Filtoro saying 'sexual' instead of 'sexy' and 'pornography' instead of 'porn'.
  • Filtoro is an idiot, knowing nothing about internet porn and claiming it to be a killer, since he works for Kaspersky.

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