RS Mr. Conductor and Big Bird and Other Stories is a TV/Thomas parody of the Thomas and Friends UK/AUS video, Thomas and Stepney and Other Stories. It features nine fourth season episodes of RS Mr. Conductor the Conductor and Friends narrated by Michael Angelis.


  • RS Mr. Conductor (from Shining Time Station) as Thomas
  • Edd (from Ed, Edd n Eddy) as Edward
  • Homer (from The Simpsons) as Henry
  • Garfield (from Garfield and Friends) as Gordon
  • Schemer (from Shining Time Station) as James
  • Bart (from The Simpsons) as Percy
  • Grandpa Dave (from Arthur) as Toby
  • Spike (from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic) as Duck
  • Luigi (from Mario) as Douglas
  • GC Mr. Conductor (from Shining Time Station) as Oliver
  • Big Bird (from Sesame Street) as Stepney
  • Franklin (from Franklin) as Skarloey
  • Rabbit (from Franklin) as Rheneas
  • Cat (from Little Bear) as Sir Handel/Falcon
  • Bear (from Franklin) as Peter Sam/Stuart
  • Owl (from Little Bear) as Rusty
  • Fox (from Franklin) as Duncan
  • Grandpa Abe Simpson (from The Simpsons) as Duke
  • Toad (from Mario) as Toad
  • Feathers McGraw (from Wallace and Gromit) as S. C. Ruffey
  • Goombas (from Mario) as The Troublesome Trucks
  • Oscar (from Sesame Street) as George
  • Cabot (from Theodore Tugboat) as Bulstrode
  • Mayor Adam West (from Family Guy) as Sir Topham Hatt
  • Joe Swanson (from Family Guy) as The Crovan's Gate Policeman
  • Becky (from Shining Time Station) as Nancy
  • Oliver Frensky (from Arthur) as The Important Passenger
  • Drew Pickles (from Rugrats) as The Painter
  • Didi Pickles (from Arthur) as The Refreshment Lady (does not speak)
  • Princess Celestia (from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic) as Queen Elizabeth II (does not speak)
  • Mario (from Mario) as Donald (cameo)
  • Mr. Burns (from The Simpsons) as Diesel (cameo)
  • Rouge (from Sonic the Hedgehog) as Daisy (cameo)
  • Roger Baxter (from Littlest Pet Shop (2012)) as BoCo (cameo)
  • Meg (from Family Guy) as Mavis (cameo)
  • Dr. Robotnik (from Sonic the Hedgehog) as D261 (cameo)
  • Patty (from The Simpsons) as Annie (cameo)
  • Selma (from The Simpsons) as Clarabel (cameo)
  • Lanolin (from Garfield/US Acres) as Henrietta (cameo)
  • Ten Cents (from TUGS) as Bertie (cameo)
  • Sunshine (from TUGS) as Trevor (cameo)
  • Eustace (from Courage the Cowardly Dog) as Jeremiah Jobling (cameo)
  • Phil (from Rugrats) as Stephen Hatt (cameo)
  • Mrs. Twombly (from Littlest Pet Shop (2012)) as Mrs. Kyndley (cameo)
  • Lazy Luke (from Wacky Races) as Jem Cole (cameo)
  • Reverend Lovejoy (from The Simpsons) as The Vicar of Wellsworth (cameo)
  • Chief Wiggum (from The Simpsons) as The Dryaw Policeman (cameo)
  • Orson (from Garfield/US Acres) as Farmer Trotter (cameo)
  • Everyone else as Themselves


  1. You Can't Win
  2. Grouch
  3. Passengers and Polish
  4. Owl to the Rescue
  5. RS Mr. Conductor and Big Bird
  6. Paint Pots and Princesses
  7. Toad Stands By
  8. Fish
  9. Special Attraction


You Can't Win

Narrator: "Abe Simpson is the hero of all the TV Characters. This is a story about him.

It happened long ago when Bear and Cat used to work with Abe on his old land. Many people came year after year to see the mountains and the lakes and most of all, Abe.

He always took his flowers, even on days when he didn't feel well."

Abe Simpson: "I mustn't disappoint my friends."

Narrator: "He would say.

Every morning he took his passengers up the road and stopped anywhere they wanted."

Abe Simpson: "Peep, peep!"

Narrator: "He whistled."

Abe Simpson: "Please be ready when I come back to you. Otherwise we might miss your boat to the mainland and that would never do."

Narrator: "One day, Abe didn't feel well. He was short of strength and glad of a rest. His driver and fireman had just finished clearing his body when Bear bustled up."

Bear: "Hello, Gransimpson."

Narrator: "He teased."

Bear: "Are you short of strength."

Abe Simpson: "Nothing of the sort. This is routine maintenance."

Bear: "Tell you what."

Narrator: "Went on Bear."

Happy: "You getting old. We must take care of you in case you get hurt."

Abe Simpson: "Hmmph!"

Narrator: "Hooshed Abe."

Abe Simpson: "That'll be the day!"

Narrator: "Abe couldn't stay cross for long. It was a lovely evening."

Abe Simpson: "Couldn't be better. Couldn't be better."

Narrator: "He guntered happily.

They began to climb, but Abe didn't mind."

Abe Simpson: "I've plenty of strength."

Narrator: "He puffed."

Abe Simpson: "We'll be up in a couple of puffs."

Narrator: "But soon, Abe's puffs changed to wheezes. His body was leaking strength."

Abe Simpson: "It's not so easy. It's not so easy."

Narrator: "He croaked."

Abe Simpson: "But I'll manage."

Narrator: "At last, they reached the station.

Abe's driver examined him carefully. Anxious passengers waited for news."

Guard: "Abe is going to take you to the harbor, but he might be late."

Narrator: "Said the guard."

Guard: "So two animals are coming to help. You'll still catch your boat."

Narrator: "Cat went up in front."

Cat: "Poor old Gransimpson. What a shame you've gotten hurt."

Bear: "Peep, peep, peep!"

Narrator: "Teased Bear."

Bear: "This is the day."

Narrator: "He was coupled up behind."

Cat: "Are you ready?"

Narrator: "Whistled Cat."

Bear: "Yes, I am."

Narrator: "Replied Bear, and away they went.

When they reached the next station, the cavalcade split up.

Cat took Abe's passengers to the boat.

Bear headed Cat's line, with Abe coupled behind."

Bear: "Fancy me rescuing Gransimpson! This is the day! This is the day!"

Narrator: "He boasted."

Bear: "Poor old man! Poor old man!"

Narrator: "But Abe still had plenty of strength left in him. His body sounded worse then it was. He and his driver had their own little joke ready.

They waited until they reached the hill."

Abe's Driver: "Now!"

Narrator: "Said his driver. Abe puffed and roared as though he was pushing the whole line's weight before him. The noise echoed everywhere.

When they reached the last station, everyone cheered."

Boy: "What happened?"

Narrator: "Asked a boy."

Boy: "They don't usually need two characters."

Father: "Well,"

Narrator: "Replied his father."

Father: "Bear hurt himself. Abe Simpson had to help him. It sounds as if he had a hard job too."

Narrator: "Abe and his driver's joke had worked."

Bear: "Fiddlesticks!"

Narrator: "Exclaimed Bear, and he vanished in a cloud of steam. Abe wheezed alongside."

Abe Simpson "Poor old bear!"

Narrator: "He teased."

Abe Simpson: "It's no good, Bear. You can't win!"


Narrator: "Cat is very proud of his big feet. They hold him well to the ground, but they are unusual.

One day, the others wouldn't stop teasing him."

Franklin, Rabbit, Bear, Fox and Abe Simpson: "Look at his grouch feet!"

Narrator: "They joked."

Cat: "Be quiet!"

Narrator: "Snorted Cat."

Cat: "You're jealous!"

Bear: "Don't worry."

Narrator: "Soothed Bear."

Bear: "The characters all teased me about my special head, until they learned how useful it is."

Cat: "Did you hear that?"

Narrator: "Huffed Cat."

Cat: "My feet are special, like Bear's head! I can go faster than any of you."

Narrator: "Franklin had a plan to make Owl see sense."

Franklin: "With your grand feet, Cat,"

Narrator: "Said Franklin,"

Franklin: "You're just the animal to tackle Oscar."

Cat: "Who's Oscar?"

Franklin: "That grouch over there."

Narrator: "Replied Franklin."

Franklin: "Listen."

Narrator: "The grouch was making rude remarks about the characters."

Oscar: "Roads are no good, turn them into garbage, pull em' up, turn them into garbage! Roads are no good, tun them into garbage, pull em' up, turn them into garbage!"

Cat: "Don't worry."

Narrator: "Said Cat."

Cat: "Leave him to me. I'll send him packing.

Oscar will soon get a run for his money."

Narrator: "Later that morning, Oscar was at the crossing."

Oscar: "Huh."

Narrator: "He said."

Oscar: "You're Cat, I suppose."

Narrator: "Cat was standing no nonsense."

Cat: "And you, I suppose, are Oscar? Yes, I've heard of you."

Oscar: "And I've heard of you. You swank around with your grouch feet, pretending you're as good as me."

Cat: "Actually,"

Narrator: "Retorted Cat."

Cat: "I'm better. Good-bye."

Narrator: "Oscar chuffered on, fuming.

Later that day, Cat brought a special load down after the last character had gone.

When he had reached the road, he saw Oscar trundling home. Cat tried to attract his attention."

Cat: "Peep peep peep!"

Narrator: "Oscar took no notice. There was barely room to pass."

Cat was cross."

Cat: "Get out of my way, you great clumsy garbage hog!"

Oscar: "Ha! I don't move for imitation grouches."

Narrator: "Huffed Oscar. They rumbled along as the insults continued.

Then there was trouble."


Cat: "Aaah!"

Narrator: "Cried Cat."

Cat: "That was your fault."

Oscar: "No it wasn't. It was yours."

Narrator: "Everyone was arguing over who was to blame."

Joe Swanson: "Hello, hello, hello."

Narrator: "Said Joe Swanson, ominously."

Joe Swanson: "And what's going on here?"

Narrator: "This made everyone stop arguing. They set to work clearing up the mess instead.

Next day, they put up a fence between the roads.

Then, they went away, taking Oscar with them.

Cat thought he had made Oscar go away.

He talked of nothing but grouches."

Franklin: "Oh, dear."

Narrator: "Whispered Franklin."

Franklin: "He's worse than ever. I'm sorry my plan was no good."

Owl: "Never mind."

Narrator: "Said Owl."

Owl: "We'll think of something else."

Narrator: "But they had no need to do that.

Some boys arrived instead. They pointed to Cat and cried,"

Boys: "Look, here's Cat. He tried to race a grouch, but the grouch nearly beat him!"

Narrator: "Cat never mentions grouches now."

Passengers and Polish

Narrator: "Becky is a guard's daughter.

One day, she was working on Franklin with some polish and a rag. Franklin was snoozing happily, but Becky wanted to talk."

Becky: "Wake up, lazybones! Your shell is filthy. Aren't you ashamed?"

Franklin: "No."

Narrator: "Yawned Franklin."

Franklin: "You're just an old fusspot."

Narrator: "And then Franklin closed his eyes. He was thinking of his friend, Rabbit, and the all the good times they shared together before Rabbit went away to be mended.

Becky interrupted again."

Becky: "Don't you want to look nice for when Rabbit comes home?"

Narrator: "Franklin wasn't sleepy anymore."

Franklin: "What? When?!"

Becky: "Soon. Daddy told me. I'm going now."

Narrator: "She said."

Franklin: "Becky, stop. Do I really look nice? Please polish me again."

Becky: "Now who's an old fusspot?"

Narrator: "Laughed Becky, and set to work once more.

Fox was jealous."

Fox: "Aren't you gonna polish me too?"

Becky: "Sorry. Not today. I'm going now. I'm helping Didi Pickles this afternoon. We must get the ices ready for the passengers. Never mind, Fox."

Narrator: "She said. But Fox did mind."

Fox: "It isn't fair!"

Narrator: "He complained."

Fox: "Bear gets a special head, Cat gets special feet, passengers get ices, but I'm not even polished!"

Narrator: "Of course, this wasn't true. But Fox enjoyed complaining. He became sulkier still.

That afternoon, there was bad news from up the path."

Fox's Driver: "One of Franklin's flowers has come off the road."

Narrator: "Called Fox's driver."

Fox's Driver: "We'll have to take the workmen there right away."

Fox: "All this extra work!"

Narrator: "Grumbled Fox."

Fox: "It wears a fox out!"

Fox's Driver: "Rubbish! Come on!"

Narrator: "The hurt flower was in the middle of Franklin's line. So he had gone on to the top station with his front flowers.

Fox left the workmen to sort out the mess, then he brought the passengers with the rear flowers home.

He sulked all the way."

Fox: "I get no rest, I get no rest!"

Narrator: "He muttered.

Fox made the journey very difficult. He was short of strength, so his driver waited a while and hope of raising more. But Fox wouldn't try."

Fox's Driver: "We'll keep our passengers waiting."

Narrator: "Said his driver. Fox was cross."

Fox: "You always think about the passengers and never about me!"

Narrator: "It wasn't long before Fox finally build up enough strength and set off again.

But he was still very grumpy and cross."

Fox: "I'm overworked, and I won't stand it!"

Narrator: "At last, they reached the viaduct near the station."

Fox's Driver: "Come on, Fox!"

Narrator: "Called his driver."

Fox's Driver: "One more effort, and you'll have a rest and a drink at the station."

Narrator: "Then, Fox was very rude."

Fox: "Keep your own station! I'm staying here!"

Narrator: "And he did too.

Franklin had to pull Fox and his flowers all the way to the platform.

The passengers were furious. They told everyone what a bad town it was.

That night, Mayor Adam West spoke to Fox."

Mayor Adam West: "No passengers means no polish!"

Fox: "And no polish means no passengers."

Narrator: "Fox muttered to himself.

He still has a lot to learn, doesn't he?"

Owl to the Rescue

Narrator: "In Springtime, Owl loves to visit a faraway place. It's full of bird nests. The air smells sweet and Owl thinks there's no better place to be.

One day, RS Mr. Conductor was passing by just as Owl was having a drink."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Good morning."

Narrator: "Whistled RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Your driver looks as little worried. I wonder why."

Owl: "I don't know."

Narrator: "Said Owl."

Owl: "But I soon will.

Excuse me,"

Narrator: "Said Owl."

Owl: "But is there something wrong?"

Owl's Driver: "Yes indeed."

Narrator: "Replied the driver."

Owl's Driver: "They need another TV Character to help run this special line."

Owl: "A bird."

Narrator: "Laughed Sleepy."

Owl: "Maybe I can find one."

Narrator: "Later, Owl saw Luigi and Bart. Owl had an idea."

Owl: "Can you help me find another TV Character?"

Luigi: "Where?"

Owl: "Where you found GC Mr. Conductor."

Luigi: "You mean on the other land?"

Owl: "Yes. I'm looking for a bird."

Narrator: "Said Owl, and explained everything."

Luigi: "I'd like to help, but these days it's only villains that go there."

Narrator: "Then Owl decided."

Owl: "So that's where I'll go."

Luigi: "Take care."

Narrator: "Warned Luigi.

Owl told the driver all about the plan. And that night, he came back to the dock."

Owl's Driver: "The manager says he'll make a home for a bird if you find one."

Owl: "Right."

Narrator: "Said Owl."

Owl: "We'll find one tomorrow."

Narrator: "It took them all of the next day to travel to the other land.

Darkness fell and the cold wind blew."

Owl: "Oh, what's that?"

Narrator: "Murmured Owl. But it was only the sounds of the lonely scrapyard. Villains silent and still lined up on guard."

Villains: "Who are you?"

Narrator: "Owl plucked up courage."

Owl: "I'm a sheds and sidings inspection owl. Have you any TV Characters in the sheds?"

Villains: "No. None."

Narrator: "Owl rallied again."

Owl: "Then what the sidings?"

Villains: "One. We have one."

Narrator: "Owl grew braver still."

Owl: "Then I'll just go an inspect."

Narrator: "A bird with yellow feathers stood sad and alone in the shadowy sidings. His driver was next to him keeping him company."

Owl: "Excuse me?"

Narrator: "Said Owl."

Owl: "Do you like bird nests?"

Narrator: "The bird looked startled."

Big Bird: "Yes. Bird nests are beautiful."

Owl: "Then you're soon going to see lots of them because I'm getting you out of here."

Narrator: "Everyone worked fast. It was difficult to get his body warmed up, but soon it was warm and Big Bird had plenty of energy. Owl's engineer agreed to be Big Bird's fireman.

So fall they set, past the bleak and booming lines villains."

Villains: "Where is he going?"

Narrator: "They hissed."

Owl: "Just down the path."

Narrator: "Replied Owl. And the chuffered quickly away."

Owl: "We've done it! We're over the border and back on our own land. Mission accomplished."

Narrator: "When Owl and the bird arrived back in the valley, a big welcome awaited them."

Manager: "We shall mend you and give you new feathers."

Narrator: "Said the manager. His driver was delighted."

Big Bird's Driver: "You lucky old bird. You've been saved by the Bird Park."

Big Bird: "And my friend, Owl. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for Owl."

Narrator: "Now the bird is as happy as can be and helps the passengers and visit at bird time. His name is Big Bird, but everyone calls him the Bird Character."

RS Mr. Conductor and Big Bird

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor was feeling very happy. His blue conductor outfit shone in the sun, he was right on time, and all around his route the countryside seemed prettier than ever before."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Peep, peep! Good morning, Bart."

Narrator: "He whistled."

RS Mr. Conductor: "My route is the pride of TV Land. Wouldn't you agree?"

Bart: "Uh, yes RS Mr. Conductor, of course, But uh,"

RS Mr. Conductor: "But what Bart? Out with it!"

Bart: "Well, there is another TV Character with a famous route too?"

RS Mr. Conductor: "Who? Where?"

Narrator: "Exclaimed RS Mr. Conductor anxiously."

Bart: "His name is Big Bird. He's faraway, but Mayor Adam West says he might visit us."

RS Mr. Conductor: "When?"

Bart: "Oh, someday."

Narrator: "And Bart hurried away.

Meanwhile Big Bird was walking steadily along his route. It runs through fields and forests, but isn't very long, which made him feel a little sad. Later he saw Owl, the little owl who had helped saved Big Bird from death."

Big Bird: "Everyone's been so kind. But my route is so short and I do miss a good long rung."

Owl: "I think you should tell driver too."

Narrator: "Replied Owl."

Owl: "I'm sure he'll understand."

Narrator: "Big Bird soon discovered that indeed he did."

Big Bird's Driver: "Do you know, Big Bird? I feel just the same way."

Narrator: "That evening, Big Bird's driver had exciting news."

Big Bird's Driver: "Guess what, Big Bird? Mayor West has invited us to visit the other TV Characters on his land. Manager agreed. But it'll be a really long run to get there."

Big Bird: "Oh, thank you."

Narrator: "Sighed Big Bird. They set off next morning.

By now, all the other TV Characters were talking about Big Bird."

Bart: "He runs a famous route. Did you know that?"

Narrator: "Said Bart. RS Mr. Conductor was feeling a little jealous."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Huh! It may be famous, but my route is the first on the path. Everyone knows that too."

Narrator: "And he huffed away to fetch his sisters-in-law."

Bart: "Look!"

Narrator: "Squeaked Bart."

Bart: "Why have they all come? There is no TV Character yet."

Narrator: "But Bart was wrong. The signal dropped, and from faraway a bird whistled."

Luigi: "Here he comes."

Narrator: "Yelled Luigi.

Big Bird walked proudly through the junction. All the TV Characters were pleased to see him."

Edd: "I hope you meet RS Mr. Conductor too."

Narrator: "Said Edd."

Edd: "You both have routes to be proud of."

Narrator: "Then Big Bird set off to help Spike arrange flowers in the yard, and they worked happily together all afternoon.

At last, RS Mr. Conductor arrived."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Sorry, can't talk. It's time for my last delivery. Mustn't be late."

Narrator: "He was hardly out of sight when the TV Characters heard shouting at the station. Moments later came the alarm."

Oliver Frensky: "Stop all TV Characters!"

Narrator: "The signalman answered the telephone."

Signalman: "A special is it? I see."

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor was impatient."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Why are we waiting? My passengers are being delayed."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "Sorry, RS Mr. Conductor."

Narrator: "Said his driver."

RS Mr. Conductor's Driver: "We're being shunted to allow another TV Character to pass."

Narrator: "Soon they heard an unfamiliar sound. There was Big Bird with his headlamp swinging and whistle blowing. He gathered speed and disappeared."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Well bust my whistle!"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor.

Next morning, RS Mr. Conductor was still fuming."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Shunted! And on my own route too! It's a disgrace!"

Big Bird: "I'm sorry."

Narrator: "Said Big Bird."

Noteworthy: "I was a special."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Why?"

Big Bird: "An important passenger named Oliver Frensky arrived just as you left. He ordered a special ride and Spike let me take it.

We had a splendid run, but,"

RS Mr. Conductor: "But,"

Narrator: "Finished RS Mr. Conductor kindly."

RS Mr. Conductor: "It can make a TV Character nervous not to know the route."

Big Bird: "Exactly!"

Narrator: "Said Big Bird."

Big Bird: "You're such an expert."

Narrator: "This made RS Mr. Conductor felt much better. He couldn't be cross anymore, and instead began telling Big Bird all about his route."

Paint Pots and Princesses

Narrator: "Garfield the Cat and RS Mr. Conductor the Conductor walked hand to hand back home. It had been a busy day.

First, RS Mr. Conductor had teased Garfield about the time the fat cat had slid into a ditch.

Then, RS Mr. Conductor fell down a mine. And Garfield came to his rescue."

Garfield: "Remember RS Mr. Conductor,"

Narrator: "Called Garfield grandly."

Garfield: "United we stand, together we fall. You help me, and I'll help you."

RS Mr. Conductor: "I'll remember."

Narrator: "Replied RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "But I hope Mayor Adam West forgives us soon."

Narrator: "Suddenly, they noticed something. As the two TV Characters whistled into the sheds, everywhere they look, they saw paint pots and painters."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Bust my hands!"

Narrator: "Said RS Mr. Conductor."

RS Mr. Conductor: "What's happening?"

Bart: "Shhh."

Narrator: "Whispered Bart."

Bart: "Mayor West is going to tell us now."

Mayor Adam West: "Ladies, gentlemen and TV Characters, I am honor to inform you that her majesty, Princess Celestia herself is coming here to visit us. Now, on with the preparations."

Narrator: "The TV Characters wondered who would take the royal flowers."

Edd: "I'm too old to take important flowers."

Narrator: "Said Edd sadly."

Garfield: "I'm in disgrace."

Narrator: "Sighed Garfield glumly."

Schemer: "He'll choose me, of course."

Narrator: "Boasted Schemer."

Homer: "You?"

Narrator: "Snorted Homer."

Homer: "You can't climb hills! He'll ask me to take the flowers, and I'll have some new clothes."

Narrator: "Then, the rain came.

Homer's driver and fireman covered up to keep dry. Drew Pickles was on the ladder above the path. Homer's dust blew high into the air. Drew couldn't see. Both he and the paint pot fell all over Homer.

Poor Homer."

Drew Pickles: "Well, you're not a pretty picture!"

Narrator: "Sneered Drew.

Mayor West spoke next."

Mayor Adam West: "You look like an iced cake, Homer. That won't do for the royal flowers. I must make other arrangements."

Narrator: "Garfield and RS Mr. Conductor were waiting for him."

Garfield and RS Mr. Conductor: "Please, sir."

Mayor Adam West: "One at a time."

Narrator: "Replied Mayor West."

Mayor Adam West: "Yes, Garfield?"

Garfield: "May RS Mr. Conductor have his route again?"

Mayor Adam West: "Hmmm.

I think you are both sorry and deserve a treat. Edd will go in front to clear the path, RS Mr. Conductor will look after the flowers and Garfield will take the flowers."

Narrator: "The great day came. All the TV Characters worked hard bringing people to the town.

RS Mr. Conductor sorted out their flowers in the yard.

Edd walked in."

Edd: "Peep! Princess Celestia is here!"

Narrator: "Then, Garfield whistled as he approached the station. Everyone knew that sound.

Princess Celestia's flowers glided into the station. Garfield was spotless, and his tail shown brightly.

Mayor West stood to attention."

Mayor Adam West: "Welcome ma'am."

Narrator: "Princess Celestia thanked him for a splendid run, and asked to see all the TV Characters."

Grandpa Dave and Bart: "Peep, peep!"

Narrator: "Whistled Grandpa Dave and Bart."

Homer and Schemer: "Shhh!"

Narrator: "Hissed Homer and Schemer. But Grandpa Dave and Bart didn't care."

Grandpa Dave and Bart: "Three cheers for Princess Celestia!"

All the TV Characters: "Peep, peep!"

Narrator: "Whistled the TV Characters.

When it was time to leave, Princess Celestia spoke specially to RS Mr. Conductor, who fetched her flowers, then to Edd, and finally to Garfield, who took her away.

No TV Characters ever felt prouder than those on Mayor Adam West's land."

Toad Stands By

Narrator: "GC Mr. Conductor had been to the hospital to be healed.

Some goombas tricked him, and the little conductor fell into the turntable well.

Now, GC Mr. Conductor was as good as new, but he was still worried about goombas."

GC Mr. Conductor: "I'd rather not use them."

Narrator: "He said to himself.

But the goombas sang songs rude and loud.

Feathers McGraw, their leader, led the chorus."

Feathers McGraw and Goombas: "GC Conductor's no use at all, thinks he's very clever, says that he can manage us, that's the best joke ever! When he orders us about, with the greatest folly, we just push him down the well, Pop goes old Conductor!"

Narrator: "RS Mr. Conductor, Spike and Bart were shocked."

RS Mr. Conductor, Spike and Bart: "Be quiet!"

Narrator: "They ordered.

But they couldn't be everywhere, and everywhere they weren't, the goombas began again."

Goombas: "GC Conductor's no use at all, thinks he's very clever, says that he can manage us, that's the best joke ever!"

Narrator: "At last, the TV Characters gave up."

RS Mr. Conductor, Spike and Bart: "We're sorry, GC Mr. Conductor."

Narrator: "They said."

GC Mr. Conductor: "It's really my fault."

Narrator: "Said GC Mr. Conductor sadly."

GC Mr. Conductor: "I shouldn't have fallen in the turntable well."

Narrator: "Toad felt sorry for GC Mr. Conductor, too.

Next morning, he spoke to Luigi."

Toad: "I'm worried, Mr. Luigi. This disrespect for TV Characters, when is it going to end?"

Luigi: "Who knows?"

Narrator: "Sighed Luigi."

Toad: "I've got a plan, Mr. Luigi. May I stay here today and help Mr. GC Conductor? We are both great western, and must stand together."

Luigi: "Of course, Toad."

Narrator: "Replied Luigi, and puffed away.

Soon, Toad was explaining his plan.

Spike: "Goodness Gracious, Toad, I don't think you should suggest such a thing to GC Mr. Conductor."

Narrator: "But GC Mr. Conductor interrupted."

GC Mr. Conductor: "No, Spike, Toad's right. It's really my fault. I must put this trouble right."

Toad: "I meant no disrespect, you understand."

GC Mr. Conductor: "Of course not, Toad. Anyway, driver says the same, and he's arranged it with the station master."

Spike: "Very well, GC Mr. Conductor."

Narrator: "Conceited Spike."

Spike: "But I must hurry; my passengers will be waiting. Good luck!"

GC Mr. Conductor: "So long!"

Narrator: "Smiled GC Mr. Conductor bravely, but he felt dreadfully nervous inside.

GC Mr. Conductor marshalled the worst goombas two by two."

Toad: "That's the way, Mr. GC Conductor."

Narrator: "Whispered Toad."

Toad: "And if you leave that Feathers McGraw till' last, then you'll have him behind you, and you can bump him if he starts his nonsense."

Feathers McGraw: "Hold back, hold back!"

Narrator: "Whispered Feathers McGraw."

Feathers McGraw: "And pass the word to the others."

Narrator: "The silly goombas giggled.

But GC Mr. Conductor knew what to do; there was plenty of sand on the ground and his feet gripped splendidly. He gave a great heave."

Feathers McGraw: "Oooh!"

Narrator: "Groaned Feathers McGraw."

Feathers McGraw: "I don't like this!"

Spike: "Go it!"

Narrator: "Yelled Spike."

Spike: "Well done, boy, well done!"

Feathers McGraw: "Ohhh!"

Narrator: "Wailed Feathers McGraw."

Feathers McGraw: "Oooh!

I'm coming apart!"

Narrator: "And he did.

Then there was trouble."

Mayor Adam West: "Well, GC Mr. Conductor, so you don't know your own strength, is that it?"

GC Mr. Conductor: "No, no, sir."

Narrator: "Said GC Mr. Conducotr nervously.

Mayor Adam West inspected Feathers McGraw."

Mayor Adam West: "As I've thought; rotten feathers, rusty bones. Maybe if we put you back together, you'll earn yourself a better name."

Narrator: "Nowadays, GC Mr. Conductor only takes the goombas when the other TV Characters are busy.

But they're always quick to warn each other,"

Goombas: "Take care with Mr. GC Conductor, if you play tricks on him, you'll never be the same goomba again!"

Narrator: "Feathers McGraw has learned his lesson, and says nothing at all."


Narrator: "On starry nights when the moon is full and the air still, you can hear the sounds of faraway ships and distant laughter. They echoed over the hills and through the valleys, down calm canals and sleepy inlits. Every TV character knows that these are the sounds that say the harbour is hard at work at the big station by the sea.

One night, a special load of fish was ordered. Mayor Adam West decided that extra goombas must be added to the line that the men called The Flying Kipper. The only goombas available were old ones. They had not been used for a long time. Homer waited impatiently by the keyside as Spike arranged them into position.

RS Mr. Conductor walked by with the mail."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Hello Spike. Going fishing? I'd take care if I were you."

Spike: "Why?"

Narrator: "Huffed Spike."

RS Mr. Conductor: "Well for one thing,"

Narrator: "Puffed RS Mr. Conductor, remembering his own experience."

RS Mr. Conductor: "If fish get into a TV character's body, they always cause trouble. And for another, fish can be awfully smelly. And I know what I'm talking about. Good night."

Narrator: "Homer grunted dreadfully."

Homer's Driver: "You'll just have to put up with it, Homer."

Narrator: "Said his driver."

Homer's Driver: "At least the extra load will mean you can have another TV character help us up Garfield's hill."

Narrator: "Meanwhile, Spike was waiting at Edd's station. So that he could help the heavy line by pushing from behind.

Homer made good progress.

When they reach Edd's station, his driver stopped the line beyond the platform. Then Homer gave a special signal."

Homer: "Peep, peep, peep, peep! I need help please?"

Spike: "Peep, peep!"

Narrator: "Replied Spike."

Spike: "I shan't be long."

Narrator: "Spike walked gently up to Homer's line. He was not hooked on. Homer would then be able to run on without stopping when they reached the top of the hill."

Spike: "Ready!"

Narrator: "Whistled Spike. And off they went.

Soon they reached Garfield's hill."

Homer: "Push hard, push hard!"

Narrator: "Puffed Homer."

Spike: "We're doing it, we're doing it!"

Narrator: "Replied Spike. Homer was pulling harder than he realized."

(Lamp falls off)

Narrator: "Spike felt the weight on the front of him slacking. Then Spike noticed something else."

Spike: "There's no sign of a tail lamp."

Narrator: "He thought. He whistled, but there was no reply. Meanwhile Homer had noticed something too."

Homer: "My line's getting heavier."

Narrator: "He thought to himself."

Homer: "I'm slowing down!"

Narrator: "Then there was trouble."


Narrator: "No one was hurt, but a strong smell of fish hung in the air.

Next day, workmen found the broken tail lamp at the bottom of the hill. Mayor West spoke kindly to Spike."

Mayor Adam West: "The accident wasn't your fault. We should've checked that this tail lamp was fixed on properly. We'll soon have you in working order again."

Spike: "Thank you, sir."

Narrator: "Said Spike sadly."

Spike: "RS Mr. Conductor told me to be careful about fish. They got me in a right pickle, didn't they?"

Special Attraction

Narrator: "Grandpa Dave was very excited. He was holding a brand-new bell that shone like gold. He was off to the seaside. His driver was explaining everything as they traveled along."

Grandpa Dave's Driver: "There's a seaside village near here. And every year, they have a big parade, with a special attraction for all the visitors.

This year, Grandpa Dave, you're the special attraction."

Grandpa Dave: "Thank you, sir,"

Narrator: "Said Grandpa Dave."

Grandpa Dave: "But what does a special attraction do?"

Grandpa Dave's Driver: "Oh, just smiles and whistles at everyone."

Narrator: "Replied his driver."

Grandpa Dave's Driver: "We're almost there. Listen, you can hear the seagulls."

Narrator: "Soon, they reached the little station by the village, but instead of a big welcome, there was just one man.

He whispered to Grandpa Dave's driver and turned sadly away."

Grandpa Dave's Driver: "Well, if that doesn't take the biscuit!"

Narrator: "Said Grandpa Dave's driver."

Grandpa Dave's Driver: "They've run out of room in the parade and don't need a special attraction after all. We've got to go home, Grandpa Dave. I'm sorry, old boy."

Grandpa Dave: "So am I."

Narrator: "Sighed Grandpa Dave.

Bart was arranging things in the yard. He didn't expect to see Grandpa Dave."

Bart: "What are you doing back so soon?"

Narrator: "Before Grandpa Dave could reply, Mayor Adam West arrived."

Mayor Adam West: "Leave these goombas here please, Bart. There's an emergency at the harbor."

Bart's Driver: "Come on, Bart,"

Narrator: "Said his driver."

Bart's Driver: "This will be trouble with Cabot!"

Bart: "Who's Cabot?"

Narrator: "Wondered Bart.

He was still surprised about Grandpa Dave, and now he had two puzzles to sort out. His driver explained."

Bart's Driver: "Cabot is a disagreeable ship. He never stops complaining."

Narrator: "His driver was right about Cabot. Today, the ship was more bad-tempered than ever."

Cabot: "Come on, come on, why aren't you goombas where you should be?"

Goombas: "There's no TV character, and we can only go where we're put!"

Narrator: "Shouted the goombas."

Goombas: "You're in the wrong place, not us!"

Narrator: "When Bart arrived, Cabot was sulking, and the goombas were crosser still."

Goombas: "Our stone is for Cabot. Please put us in a siding, so that we can load him up and be rid of him!"

Narrator: "But the goombas were being careless. As Bart was lining them up, they burst through a barrier."

Goombas: "Help! Help!"

Narrator: "They wailed.

But it was too late!"


Cabot: "Oooogh!"

Narrator: "Cried Cabot."

Cabot: "I'm sinking!"

Goombas: "Serves you right!"

Narrator: "Giggled the goombas."

Goombas: "You were always barging in and moaning!"

Narrator: "It took a very long time to clear the mess.

Bart watched as Cabot was towed to the beach."

Workmen: "There you are!"

Narrator: "Said the workmen."

Workmen: "Now you can just stay here. Children can play with you all day, and at long last, you'll be useful."

Narrator: "When Bart got home, he and Grandpa Dave exchanged all their news."

Grandpa Dave: "Well, we both had some seaside surprises today."

Narrator: "Laughed Grandpa Dave."

Grandpa Dave: "But driver says that I'm a special attraction anyway, and so are you. Every time we go on our own line."

Bart: "What do you mean?"

Narrator: "Asked Bart."

Grandpa Dave: "Well, all we have to do is smile and whistle at everyone!"

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