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Really Useful Characters is an Ash & Friends spoof to Really Useful Engines. This spoof is composed of two Season 1 episodes, three Season 2 episodes, and six Season 3 episodes narrated by George Carlin for the US.

Cast

  1. Ash Ketchum as Thomas (Veronica Taylor)
  2. Kevin Keene as Edward (Matt Hill)
  3. Shaggy Rogers as Henry (Matthew Lillard)
  4. Terry McGinnis as Gordon (Will Friedle)
  5. Raimundo Pedrosa as James (Tom Kenny)
  6. Alexander "Alex" O'Connell as Percy (Chris Marquette)
  7. Jackie Chan as Toby (James Sie)
  8. Virgil Hawkins as Duck (Phil LaMarr)
  9. Ozzy Jones as Donald (Phil LaMarr)
  10. Drix Koldriliff as Douglas (Jeff Bennett)
  11. Richie Foley as Oliver (Jason Marsden)
  12. Ken of the Pokemon Mystery Club as Diesel (Marc Thompson)
  13. Sonic The Hedgehog as Bertie (Jason Griffith)
  14. Freakazoid as Terence (Paul Rugg)
  15. Heathcliff as Trevor (Mel Blanc)
  16. Lance Alvers as Bulgy (Christopher Grey)
  17. Bailey as Annie (Emily Niebo)
  18. Marina as Clarabel (Lisa Ortiz)
  19. Steven Ketchum as Sir Topham Hatt (Dan Green)
  20. Princess Kitana as Henrietta (Cree Summer)
  21. Donkey Kong as BoCo (Richard Yearwood)

Episodes

  1. Shaggy To The Rescue
  2. Ash and The Conductor
  3. Kevin, Heathcliff and The Really Useful Party
  4. Old Iron
  5. Better Late Than Never
  6. The Trouble With Mud
  7. Ash Comes To Breakfast
  8. Time For Trouble
  9. Important Characters
  10. Lance Alvers
  11. Richie Owns Up

Transcript

Shaggy To The Rescue

  • George Carlin: Terry always pulled the big express. He was proud of being the only character strong enough to do so. It was full of important people like Steven and Terry will see how fast he can go.
  • Terry: Hurry, hurry, hurry!
  • George Carlin: He said.
  • Coaches: Trickety-trock, trickety-trock, tricktey-trock!
  • George Carlin: Said the coaches. In a minute, Terry will see the tunnel where Shaggy stood bricked up and lonely.
  • Shaggy: Oh, dear. Why did I worried about rain spoiling my lovely coat of paint? I'd like to come out of the tunnel.
  • George Carlin: But Shaggy didn't know how to ask.
  • Terry: I'm going to boop boop at Shaggy.
  • George Carlin: He was almost there when... "Wheesh!" And there was proud Terry going slower and slower in a cloud of steam. His driver stopped the train.
  • Terry: What has happen to me?
  • George Carlin: Asked Terry.
  • Terry: I feel so weak.
  • Driver: You burst your safety valves.
  • George Carlin: Said the driver.
  • Driver: You can't pull the train anymore.
  • Terry: Oh dear.
  • George Carlin: Said Terry.
  • Terry: We were going so nicely too. And look, there's Shaggy laughing at me.
  • George Carlin: Everyone came to see Terry.
  • Steven: Hmph.
  • George Carlin: Said Steven.
  • Steven: These big characters are always causing me trouble. Send for another character at once.
  • George Carlin: While the conductor went to find one, they uncoupled Terry who had enough puff to slink on the siding out of the way. Kevin was the only character left.
  • Kevin: I'll come and try.
  • Terry: Hmph.
  • George Carlin: Said Terry.
  • Terry: That's no use. Kevin can't push the train.
  • George Carlin: The kind Kevin puffed and pushed and pushed and puffed but he couldn't move the heavy coaches.
  • Terry: I told you so.
  • George Carlin: Said Terry.
  • Terry: Why not let Shaggy try?
  • Steven: Yes.
  • George Carlin: Said Steven.
  • Steven: I will. Will you help pull this train, Shaggy?
  • Shaggy: Oh yes.
  • George Carlin: Said Shaggy. When Shaggy had got up steam, he puffed out. He was dirty and covered with cobwebs.
  • Shaggy: Oh, I'm stiffed, I'm stiffed.
  • George Carlin: He groaned.
  • Steven: Have a run to ease your joints and find a turntable.
  • George Carlin: Said Steven. When Shaggy came back, he felt much better. Then they coupled him up.
  • Kevin: Peep peep.
  • George Carlin: Said Kevin.
  • Kevin: I'm ready.
  • Virgil: Peep peep peep.
  • George Carlin: Said Shaggy.
  • Shaggy: So am I. Pull hard, we'll do it! Pull hard, we'll do it!
  • George Carlin: They puffed together.
  • Kevin and Shaggy: We've done it together! We've done it together!
  • George Carlin: Said Kevin and Shaggy.
  • Coaches: You've done it hurray! You've done it hurray!
  • George Carlin: Sang the coaches. Everyone was excited. Steven leaned out on the window to wave at Kevin and Shaggy. But the train was going so fast, that his hat blew off into a field where a goat ated for tea. They never stopped til they came to the station at the end of the line. The passengers all said thank you, and Steven promised Shaggy a new coat of paint. One their way home, Kevin and Shaggy helped Terry back to the shed. All three characters are now great friends. Shaggy doesn't mind the rain now. He knows that the best way to keep his paint nicely not to run into tunnels, but to ask his driver to rub him down when the day's work was over.

Ash and The Conductor

  • George Carlin: Ash Ketchum is very proud of his route. He thinks it's the most important part of the whole university. His two girls, Bailey and Marina, agree with him. Bailey could only take passengers but Marina can take passengers, baggage and the conductor. They were both old and need new paint but Ash loves them very much. As they run backwards and forwards along the line, they sing songs to each other. When Ash starts from the station he sings...
  • Ash: Oh, come along, we're rather late. Oh, come along, we're rather late.
  • George Carlin: And the coaches sang...
  • Bailey and Marina: We're coming along. We're coming along.
  • George Carlin: They don't mind that Ash says to them because he know he was trying to please Steven, and to know to that if Ash is cross, he's not cross with them. One day, they have to wait for Shaggy's train which made Ash very cross.
  • Ash: How could I run my line properly if Shaggy is always late? He doesn't realize that Steven depends on me.
  • George Carlin: Ash whistled impatiently. He wanted to leave, but he have to wait for Shaggy's passengers. At last Shaggy came.
  • Ash: Where have you been, lazybones?
  • Shaggy: Oh dear, my system is out of order. No one understands my case. You don't know what I suffer.
  • Ash: Rubbish!
  • George Carlin: Said Ash.
  • Ash: You're too slow. You need exercise.
  • George Carlin: The conductor blew his whistle and Ash started so quickly that he left him behind. The conductor waved his red flag to stop Ash, but Ash was on his way steaming out of the station.
  • Ash: Come along, come along.
  • George Carlin: Puffed Ash, but Marina didn't want to come.
  • Pietra: I've lost my nice conductor, I've lose my nice conductor.
  • George Carlin: She sobbed. Bailey tried to tell Ash what had happened.
  • Bailey: We haven't a conductor, we haven't a conductor!
  • George Carlin: But he was hurrying and wouldn't listen. Bailey and Marina tried to put on their brakes, but they couldn't without their conductor.
  • Bailey and Marina: Where's our conductor? Where's our conductor?
  • George Carlin: They cried, but Ash didn't stop till they came to a signal.
  • Ash: Bother that signal.
  • George Carlin: Said Ash.
  • Ash: What's the matter?
  • Driver: I don't know.
  • George Carlin: Said his driver.
  • Driver: The conductor will tell us in a minute.
  • George Carlin: They waited and waited but the conductor didn't come.
  • Ash: Peep peep peep, where's the conductor?
  • George Carlin: Whistled Ash.
  • Bailey and Marina: We've left him behind!
  • Ringo Starr: Sobbed Bailey and Marina together. Everyone looked, and there he was running as fast as he could along the line, with his flag on one hand and his whistle in the other. He was very hot, so he had a drink, and told them that Ash had left him behind.
  • Ash: I'm very sorry.
  • George Carlin: Said Ash.
  • Conductor: We all made mistakes.
  • George Carlin: Replied the conductor.
  • Conductor: Look, the signal's down. We can go. Let's make up for lost time.
  • George Carlin: Bailey and Marina were so pleased to have their conductor again, but they sang...
  • Bailey and Marina: As fast as you like, as fast as you like!
  • George Carlin: ...to Ash all the way. They reached the end of the line quicker than ever before.
  • (Ash arrives at the last station)

Kevin, Heathcliff and The Really Useful Party

  • George Carlin: Heathcliff the Cat is old fashioned, but he doesn't care. He knows that he is really useful, like his friend Kevin Keene. Early one morning, Heathcliff was chuffing about the Vicarage Orchard. He had important news for Kevin.
  • Heathcliff: The Vicar says that not all children are able to have holidays by the sea, so he's having a garden party to raise money for his seaside trip. I'm going to be the star attraction.
  • George Carlin: Chattered Heathcliff.
  • Heathcliff: Giving rides to all the visitors. The Vicar is putting up posters all about it.
  • Kevin: I'd like to help too.
  • George Carlin: Sighed Kevin.
  • Kevin: But without my rails, I wouldn't be much good at the garden party.
  • George Carlin: It was a beautiful day but Kevin was worried.
  • Kevin: I wish there was something I can do for a party.
  • George Carlin: He said.
  • Kevin: I'd like to be helpful like Heathcliff.
  • George Carlin: Kevin's driver laughed.
  • Driver: You're helpful in your own way, and that's on the railway.
  • George Carlin: Next day, it was Heathcliff's turn to look disappointed. He had bad news.
  • Heathcliff: The Vicar's been so busy that he forgot to put up the posters. Now no one will know about the party.
  • George Carlin: But Kevin had an idea.
  • Kevin: Don't worry.
  • George Carlin: He said.
  • Kevin: Everything is going to be all right.
  • George Carlin: Then he explained to his driver.
  • Kevin: The Vicar can paste his posters on my cab and coaches, so wherever I go, they'll go too.
  • Driver: Well done, Kevin.
  • George Carlin: Said his driver.
  • Driver: I'm sure Steven would agree.
  • George Carlin: As indeed he did. Kevin steamed happily to the stations collecting his passengers.
  • Passengers: Look!
  • George Carlin: They said.
  • Passengers: The Vicar is holding a party. We must go do that.
  • George Carlin: Later Heathcliff was resting in the orchard shed when Sonic rolled by.
  • Sonic: Hello, Heathcliff. Why are you dozing there like an old stick-in-the-mud?
  • Heathcliff: I'm not dozing, I'm resting.
  • George Carlin: Replied Heathcliff. Then he told Sonic about the Vicar's party.
  • Sonic: I'll be there too.
  • George Carlin: Boasted Sonic.
  • Sonic: I'm not sure people would wanna ride on a cat after traveling in the smart blue hedgehog like me.
  • George Carlin: The party day arrived. It had rained heavenly during the night and the orchard grove was soaked.
  • Heathcliff: Rain and mud won't spoil my day.
  • George Carlin: Said Heathcliff.
  • Driver: No indeed.
  • George Carlin: Agreed his driver.
  • Driver: We'll stay on the road then we won't get bogged down.
  • George Carlin: Heathcliff was soon busy trending up and down the quiet country lane, carrying lots of laughing children. He was just turning the corner when he heard Bertie.
  • Sonic: Hello, old timer. I'm taking everyone to the party. People have come from all other the island.
  • George Carlin: Heathcliff gave Sonic a cheerful whistle, and turned backed toward the orchard. Then there was trouble.
  • Sonic: Help, I'm stuck!
  • George Carlin: Shouted Sonic. His feet had sunk deep in the orchard mud. Freakazoid arrived just in time.
  • Freakazoid: I'm the one who has to plough fields.
  • George Carlin: Laughed Freakazoid.
  • Freakazoid: We better get you out of here.
  • George Carlin: Using strong ropes, Freakazoid and Heathcliff pulled Sonic cleared the mud.
  • Heathcliff: This will teach Sonic a thing or two.
  • George Carlin: Heathcliff chuffered to himself. At last, Sonic was on the road again.
  • Sonic: Thank you, Heathcliff. You're not a stick-in-the-mud at all.
  • Heathcliff: No.
  • George Carlin: Smiled Heathcliff.
  • Heathcliff: But you were. Just for a little while.
  • George Carlin: That evening, the Vicar arrived to see Kevin and his driver.
  • Vicar: Thanks to your good idea about the posters. Hundreds of people payed to come to the party. We've raised lots of money for the children.
  • George Carlin: Kevin was very pleased and Heathcliff fell happily asleep thinking of all the children who would now get to the seaside at last.

Old Iron

  • George Carlin: One day, Raimundo had to wait at the University till Kevin and his books came in. This made him cross.
  • Raimundo: Late again!
  • George Carlin: Kevin laughed and Raimundo fumed again. After Raimundo had finished his work, he went back to the yard, and puffed on to the turntable. He was still feeling very bad tempered.
  • Raimundo: Kevin is impossible!
  • George Carlin: He grumbled to the others.
  • Raimundo: He clanks about like a lot of old iron and he is so slow, he makes us wait!
  • George Carlin: Ash and Alex were indigment.
  • Alex: Old iron?! Slow?!
  • Ash: Why, Kevin could beat you in a race any day!
  • Raimundo: Really!
  • George Carlin: Said Raimundo.
  • Raimundo: I should like to see him do it. Next morning, Raimundo's driver was suddenly taking ill. He could hardly stand, so the fireman uncoupled Raimundo ready for shunting. Al was impatient. Suddenly, the signalman shouted. There was Raimundo puffing away down the line.
  • Signalman: All traffic halted!
  • George Carlin: Called the signalman. Then he told the fireman what had happened.
  • Signalman: Two boys were on Raimundo's footplate fiddling with the controls.
  • Fireman: Whew.
  • Signalman: They tumbled off and ran when Raimundo started.
  • (Phone rings)
  • George Carlin: The signalman answered the telephone.
  • Signalman: Yes? He's here? Right, I'll tell him. The inspector's coming at once. He wants a shunter's pole and a coil of wire rope.
  • Fireman: What for?
  • George Carlin: Wondered the fireman.
  • Signalman: Search me, but you better get them quickly.
  • George Carlin: The fireman was ready when Kevin arrived. The inspector saw the pole and a rope.
  • Inspector: Good man, jump in.
  • Kevin: We'll catch him, we'll catch him.
  • George Carlin: Puffed Kevin. Raimundo was laughing.
  • Raimundo: What a lark! What a lark!
  • George Carlin: He chuckled to himself. Suddenly, he was going faster and faster. He realized that he had no driver.
  • Raimundo: What shall I do? I can't stop! Help! Help!
  • Kevin: We're coming, we're coming!
  • George Carlin: Called Kevin. Kevin was panting up behind with every ounce of steam he had. At last, he caught up with Raimundo.
  • Kevin's Driver: Steady, Kevin.
  • George Carlin: Called his driver. The inspector stood on Kevin's front holding a noose of rope in the crook of the shunter's pole. He was trying to slip it over Raimundo's buffer. The characters swayed and lurched. At last...
  • Inspector: Got him!
  • George Carlin: He shouted. He pulled the noose tight. Gently braking, Kevin's driver checked the characters' speed, and Raimundo's fireman scrambled across and took control.
  • Kevin: So the old iron caught you after all.
  • George Carlin: Chuckled Kevin.
  • Raimundo: I'm sorry.
  • George Carlin: Whispered Raimundo.
  • Raimundo: Thank you for saving me. You were splendid, Kevin.
  • Kevin: That's all right.
  • George Carlin: Replied Kevin. The characters arrived at the station side by side. Steven was waiting.
  • Steven: A fine piece of work.
  • George Carlin: He said.
  • Steven: Raimundo, you can rest, and then take your train. I'm proud of you, Kevin. You shall go to the works and have your worn parts mended.
  • Kevin: Oh, thank you, Sir.
  • George Carlin: Said Kevin.
  • Kevin: It'll be lovely not to clank.

Better Late Than Never

  • George Carlin: The characters were finding life difficult. Workmen were mending the viaduct on the main line. The arches needed strenghtany. Steven did not want to close the railway while the work was done and so repairs took a long time. The characters have to take great care when crossing the viaduct and the delay often made them late on their journey to the junction where they knew Ash would be ready to collect his passengers. Ash grew crosser and crosser.
  • Ash: Time's time.
  • George Carlin: He grumbled.
  • Ash: Why should I keep my passengers waiting while Shaggy and Raimundo dawdle about all day on viaducts?
  • Shaggy: Don't blame me.
  • George Carlin: Snorted Shaggy.
  • Shaggy: If we hurried to cross the viaduct, it might collapsed, and then you have no passengers at all. What would you do then?
  • Ash: Run my train on time for one thing.
  • George Carlin: Retorted Ash. He hurried away before Shaggy could answer. Sonic was impatient too. He was time to arrived just after Ash. His passengers found that, instead of going straight from the hedgehog till their train, they were kept waiting till Ash arrived. Soon Sonic grew cross with Ash.
  • Sonic: Late again!
  • George Carlin: He remarked as Ash panted wearily in.
  • Sonic: We may be friends, but I thought you could go fast, Ash. It's time we had another race. I reckon I can beat you now.
  • George Carlin: Ash let off steam loudly.
  • Ash: Rubbish!
  • George Carlin: He hissed fiercely.
  • Ash: It's those main line characters. They differ about on the viaduct, and they blamed Steven's workmen. It's just an excuse for laziness if you ask me.
  • George Carlin: One day, Raimundo was later than ever at the junction.
  • Raimundo: I'm sorry, Ash.
  • George Carlin: He puffed.
  • Raimundo: I was held up at the station, and the viaduct made it worse.
  • Ash: It's lucky for you I'm a guaratee connection.
  • George Carlin: Grumbled Ash. Before Raimundo could answer, he puffed importantly away.
  • Ash: Come along, come along!
  • George Carlin: He panted to the coaches. Bailey and Marina did their best but Ash still found that he couldn't save much time. Suddenly, Ash saw Sonic ahead. His radiator was steaming.
  • Ash: What's the matter?
  • George Carlin: Asked Ash.
  • Ash: You should be at the station by now. You're late.
  • Sonic: I feel dreadful.
  • George Carlin: Moaned Sonic.
  • Sonic: All upset inside and driver says he can't make me better. Thank goodness you're late too. Can you take my passengers please? They'll never get home overwise.
  • Ash: Of course.
  • George Carlin: Agreed Ash. He now felt sorry for Sonic, and promised to get help at the next station. Ash set off again already he felt much more cheerful and Sonic's passengers, travelling in Bailey and Marina all reached home safely. When Sonic was better he came to thank Ash.
  • Sonic: I'm sorry I teased you about being late.
  • Ash: That's all right.
  • George Carlin: Replied Ash.
  • Ash: I'm glad I can help. There are times when being late isn't such a bad thing after all.
  • George Carlin: With the last cheerful greeting, the two friends went back to work.

The Trouble With Mud

  • George Carlin: One morning, Ash was being cleaned when Terry arrived. Mud had blown all over his body.
  • Ash: Hello, Terry.
  • George Carlin: Called Ash.
  • Ash: You look as you had a mud bath. Be a sensible person and have a shower instead.
  • George Carlin: Terry snorted.
  • Terry: I haven't time to dawdle over my appearance like fussy trainers do.
  • George Carlin: The wind blew stronger.
  • Driver: Terry, slow down!
  • George Carlin: Called his driver. This made Terry crosser still.
  • Terry: Now I'll be dirty and late, dirty and late!
  • George Carlin: He hissed. At the next station was a sign: All Trains Must Wash Down Daily. Raimundo had just finished being cleaned.
  • Driver: Come on, Terry.
  • George Carlin: Said his driver.
  • Driver: You feel better too after a good hosedown.
  • Terry: Bah!
  • George Carlin: Said Terry and angrily let off steam.
  • Driver: You're a very naughty boy!
  • George Carlin: Said Terry's driver.
  • Driver: Now Raimundo will need another shower. You'll have to wait your turn till later.
  • Terry: Good riddance.
  • George Carlin: Huffed Terry.
  • Terry: I'm far too busy to waste time with water.
  • George Carlin: He finished his journey safely and steamed into the big station. Steven was waiting. So are Terry's coaches and the passengers.
  • Steven: Goodness gracious!
  • George Carlin: Said Steven.
  • Steven: You can't pull the train, Shaggy will have to do it. Terry you better get cleaned straight away.
  • George Carlin: Terry was soon being washed.
  • Terry: Mind my eyes!
  • George Carlin: He grumbled. Then he pulled Beedrill for the rest of the day.
  • Terry: Freight trains, freight trains!
  • George Carlin: He spluttered. He felt his position deeply.
  • Terry: That's for you, and you, and you!
  • Raimundo: Beedrill will be Beedrill.
  • George Carlin: Laughed Raimundo.
  • Terry: They won't with me.
  • George Carlin: Snorted Terry.
  • Terry: I'll teach them.
  • George Carlin: Raimundo got ready to take the express when Terry returned.
  • Terry: Be careful.
  • George Carlin: Warned Terry.
  • Terry: The hills are slippery. You may need help.
  • Raimundo: I don't need help on hills.
  • George Carlin: Replied Raimundo huffily.
  • Raimundo: Terry thinks he knows everything.
  • George Carlin: Earlier the storm had slipped Terry's Hill blowing leaves on the tracks which made them slippery. Even know the storm had passed, the hill was still difficult to climb. Al knew this. The signal shown cleared, and Raimundo began to go faster.
  • Raimundo: I'll do it, I'll do it.
  • George Carlin: He puffed. Halfway up, he was not so sure.
  • Raimundo: I must do it, I must do it.
  • George Carlin: But his feet slipped on the leaves. He couldn't pull the train at all.
  • Raimundo: Help, help!
  • George Carlin: Whistled Raimundo. His feet were turning forward, but the heavy coaches pulled him backwards. The haul train started slipping down the hill. His driver shut off steam and put on the brakes, then carefully he stopped the train. Terry saw everything.
  • Terry: Ah well, we live and learn. Never mind, little Raimundo. I'm going to push behind.
  • George Carlin: Clouds of smoke and steam billowed from the snorting boys as they struggled up the hill.
  • Raimundo: We can do it!
  • George Carlin: Puffed Raimundo.
  • Terry: We will do it!
  • George Carlin: Puffed Terry. At last they reached the top.
  • Raimundo: Peep peep! Thank you, goodbye!
  • George Carlin: Whistled Raimundo.
  • Terry: Boop boop!
  • George Carlin: Answered Terry.
  • Terry: Goodbye!
  • George Carlin: That night, Steven came to see the characters. Terry was miserable.
  • Ash: Please, sir?
  • George Carlin: Said Ash.
  • Ash: Can Terry pull coaches again now?
  • Steven: If you understand that having a washdown as a sensle to every character, then yes, Terry, you may.
  • Terry: Thank you.
  • George Carlin: Grunted Terry.
  • Terry: Dirty or clean, I'm a famous machine!
  • George Carlin: But no one heard but him.

Ash Comes To Breakfast

  • George Carlin: Ash Ketchum has worked his route for many years, and knows it very well.
  • Ash's Driver: You know just where to stop, Ash.
  • George Carlin: Laughed his driver.
  • Ash's Driver: You could almost manage it without me.
  • George Carlin: Ash had become conceited. He didn't realize his driver was joking. Later, he boasted to the others.
  • Ash: Driver says I don't need him now.
  • Alex: Don't be so daft!
  • George Carlin: Snorted Alex.
  • Jackie: I'd never go without my driver.
  • George Carlin: Said Jackie, earnestly.
  • Jackie: I'd be frightened.
  • Ash: Puh!
  • George Carlin: Boasted Ash.
  • Ash: I'm not scared!
  • Jackie: You'd never dare!
  • Ash: I would then, you'll see.
  • George Carlin: Next morning, the firelighter came. Ash drowsed comfortably, and the warmth spread through his body. Alex and Jackie were still asleep. Ash suddenly remembered.
  • Ash: Silly stick-in-the-muds!
  • George Carlin: He chuckled.
  • Ash: I'll show them. Driver said I could manage without him. I'll just go out, then I'll stop and WHEESH! That'll make them jump.
  • George Carlin: Ash thought he was being clever. Really, he was only moving because a careless cleaner had meddled with his body. He soon found his mistake. He tried to wheesh, but he couldn't. He tried to stop, but he couldn't. He just kept rolling along. He didn't dare look at what was coming next; there was the principal's house. The principal was just about to have breakfast.
  • Ash: Horrors!
  • George Carlin: Cried Ash, and shut his eyes. (CRASH!) The house rocked, broken glass tinkled, plaster was everywhere. Ash had collected a bush on his travels. He peered into the room through its leaves. He couldn't speak. The principal was furious. His wife picked up her plate.
  • Darkholme: You miserable trainer!
  • George Carlin: She scolded.
  • Darkholme: Just look what you've done to our breakfast! Now I shall have to cook some more!
  • George Carlin: She banged the door. More plaster fell. This time, it fell on Ash. Ash felt depressed. Workmen propped up the house with strong poles, and laid a path through the garden. Meanwhile, Ozzy and Drix arrived.
  • Ozzy and Drix: Dinna fash yourself, Ash, we'll soon have you back on the path!
  • George Carlin: They laughed. Ozzy and Drix, working hard, managed to haul Ash back to safety. Bits of fencing, a bush, and a broken window frame festuned his front, which was badly twisted. The cells laughed and left him. Ash was in disgrace. There was worse to come.
  • Steven: You in a lot of trouble, Ash.
  • Ash: I know, sir. I'm sorry, sir.
  • George Carlin: Ash's voice was muffled behind his bush.
  • Steven: You must go to the workshop and have your front mended, it will be a long job.
  • Ash: Yes, sir.
  • Steven: Meanwhile, a bunny will do your work.
  • Ash: A b-b-b-bunny, sir?
  • George Carlin: Ash spluttered.
  • Steven: Yes, Ash. Bunnies always stay in their houses until they are wanted. Bunnies never galavant off to breakfast in principal's houses.

Time For Trouble

  • George Carlin: The land of YTV has many visitors, and Steven had scheduled more students. Terry McGinnis had to work harder than ever before.
  • Terry: Come on.
  • George Carlin: He called to the coaches.
  • Terry: Come on, come on, come on. The passengers rely on me to be on time.
  • George Carlin: Whenever Terry finished one journey it was time for another to begin.
  • (The conductor blows his whistle)
  • Terry: Never mind.
  • George Carlin: He puffed.
  • Terry: I like a long run to stretch my feet.
  • George Carlin: Even so, Steven decided that Terry needed a rest.
  • Steven: Raimundo shall do your work.
  • George Carlin: He said kindly. Raimundo was delighted. He like to show off his smart red paint and was determined to be as fast as Terry.
  • Raimundo: You know, little Jackie.
  • George Carlin: He boasted.
  • Raimundo: I'm an important character. Everyone knows it. I'm as regular as clockwork. Never late, always on time, that's me.
  • Jackie: Sez you.
  • George Carlin: Replied Jackie. Just then, Steven arrived.
  • Steven: Your parts are worn, Jackie, so you must go to the works to be mended.
  • Jackie: Can I take Kitana, sir?
  • Steven: No. What would the passengers do without her?
  • George Carlin: Jackie saw Alex by the water tower.
  • Alex: Don't worry, Jackie. I'll take care of Kitana until you get back.
  • George Carlin: Soon Jackie was out on the main line. He clanked as he trundled along. He's a little character with small wheels. His tanks will not hold much water. He had come a long way and began to feel thirsty. In the distance was a signal.
  • Jackie: Good.
  • George Carlin: He tought.
  • Jackie: There's a station ahead. I can have a nice drink and a rest until Raimundo has passed.
  • George Carlin: Jackie was enjoying his drink when the signalman came up. He had never seen Jackie before. Jackie's driver tried to explain but the new signalman wouldn't listen.
  • Signalman: We must clear the line for Raimundo with the express. You'll had to get more water at the next station.
  • George Carlin: Hurrying used a lot of water and his tanks were soon empty. Poor Jackie was out of steam and stranded on the main line.
  • Jackie's Fireman: We must warn Raimundo.
  • George Carlin: Said the fireman. Then he saw Alex and Kitana.
  • Jackie's Fireman: Please, take me back to the station. It's an emergency.
  • George Carlin: Kitana hated leaving Jackie.
  • Alex: Never mind.
  • George Carlin: Said Alex.
  • Alex: You're taking the fireman to warn Raimundo. That's a big help.
  • George Carlin: Kitana felt much better. Raimundo was fuming when he heard the news.
  • Raimundo: I'm going to be late.
  • Signalman: My fault.
  • George Carlin: Said the signalman.
  • Signalman: I didn't understand about Jackie.
  • Raimundo's Driver: Now Raimundo.
  • George Carlin: Said his driver.
  • Raimundo's Driver: You had to push Jackie.
  • Raimundo: What, me?!
  • George Carlin: Snorted Raimundo.
  • Raimundo: Me?! Push Jackie and pull my train too?!
  • George Carlin: Grumbling dreadfully, Raimundo set off to find Jackie. He came up behind Jackie and gave him a bump.
  • Raimundo: Get on you!
  • George Carlin: Raimundo had to work very hard. When he reached the works station he felt exhausted. Some children were on the platform.
  • Boy: Koo. The express is late and it's got two characters. I think Raimundo couldn't pull it on his own so Jackie had to help him.
  • Jackie: Never mind, Raimundo.
  • George Carlin: Whispered Jackie.
  • Jackie: They're only joking.
  • Raimundo: Huh!
  • George Carlin: Said Raimundo. Jackie just smiled.

Important Characters

  • George Carlin: One morning, Terry was in the yard drinking a soda of Pepsi.
  • Raimundo: That's the third load of Pepsi you had today, Terry.
  • George Carlin: Said Raimundo.
  • Raimundo: Some might say you're being rather greedy.
  • Gordon: I'm an important character.
  • George Carlin: Replied Terry.
  • Terry: Important characters need plenty of Pepsi, but I doubted if you would understand that, Raimundo.
  • George Carlin: Raimundo snorted and went about his work. Later, Terry was taking on water from a standpipe because the water tower was under repair.
  • Virgil: I wouldn't drink too much of that water if I were you, Terry. It might give you boiler-ache.
  • Terry: Pah!
  • George Carlin: Said Terry.
  • Terry: What's this? Educating Terry day? First Raimundo, now you, Virgil. Big characters have big needs. Little characters are just annoying.
  • Virgil: Don't say I didn't warn you.
  • George Carlin: Laughed Virgil. Later, Terry steamed into the yard at the big station.
  • Terry: That's what I need.
  • George Carlin: Explained Terry. There emergen out of his sheds were two shiny tenders.
  • Terry: Now If I had two tenders.
  • George Carlin: Said Terry.
  • Terry: I wouldn't need to stop so often. And I wouldn't have to listen to silly little characters.
  • Driver: Those tenders belong to a visitor.
  • George Carlin: Replied his driver. Ken sidled up alongside.
  • Ken: Everyone knows that tenders are a mark and distinction, but I'm afraid that no amount of tendres will save you in the end. We villains are taking over, and we don't need tenders to make us important, not even one.
  • George Carlin: Terry was most upset. He was feeling just the same next morning.
  • Terry: I'm not happy.
  • Virgil: I know.
  • George Carlin: Said Virgil.
  • Virgil: It's boiler-ache.
  • Terry: It's not boiler-ache.
  • George Carlin: Protested Terry.
  • Terry: It's...
  • Shaggy: Of course it is.
  • George Carlin: Interrupted Shaggy.
  • Shaggy: That water's bad. Have a good wash-out, then you feel a different character. Your boiler must be full of sludge.
  • Terry: Don't be vulgar.
  • George Carlin: Huffed Terry. He backed on his train hissing mournfully.
  • Steven: Cheer up, Terry.
  • George Carlin: Said Steven.
  • Terry: I can't, sir. Is it true what villains said, sir?
  • Steven: What does his say?
  • Terry: That villains are taking over.
  • Steven: Don't worry, Terry. That will never happen on my railway.
  • Terry: One more thing, sir. Why did the visitor have two tenders?
  • Steven: Because he lives on the railway with long difference between coaling depots.
  • George Carlin: Terry felt better. But Shaggy started complaining. He banged some Beedrill angrily.
  • Shaggy: I always worked hard enough for two.
  • George Carlin: He puffed.
  • Shaggy: I deserved another tender.
  • George Carlin: Virgil whispered something to Ozzy. He was going to play a trick on Shaggy.
  • Virgil: Shaggy?
  • George Carlin: He asked.
  • Virgil: Would you like my tenders?
  • Shaggy: Yours?! What have you got to do with tenders?
  • Virgil: All right.
  • George Carlin: Said Virgil.
  • Virgil: The deals off. Would you like them, Ozzy?
  • Ozzy: I wouldn't deprive you of the honor.
  • George Carlin: Replied Ozzy.
  • Virgil: It is a great honor.
  • George Carlin: Continued Virgil thoughtfully.
  • Virgil: But I'm only a teenager. Perhaps Raimundo might...
  • Shaggy: I'm sorry I was rude.
  • George Carlin: Said Shaggy hastily.
  • Shaggy: How many tenders have you and when can I have them?
  • Virgil: Uh, hmm, I have six and you can have them this evening.
  • Shaggy: Six lovely tenders!
  • George Carlin: Chortled Shaggy.
  • Shaggy: What a splendid sight I'll be.
  • George Carlin: Shaggy was excited all day.
  • Shaggy: Do you think it'll be all right?
  • George Carlin: He asked for umpteenth time.
  • Virgil: Of course.
  • George Carlin: Said Virgil.
  • Virgil: They're already now.
  • George Carlin: The other characters waited where they can each get a good view. But Shaggy wasn't a splendid sight at all. His six tenders were very old, dirty and filled with boiler sludge.
  • Terry: Have a good wash-out, Shaggy?
  • George Carlin: Called a voice.
  • Terry: That's right. You'll feel a different character now.
  • George Carlin: Shaggy was not sure, but he thought his voice belongs to Terry.

Lance Alvers

  • George Carlin: It was a special holiday on the land of YTV. Sonic the Hedgehog was working harder than ever before. All the characters were busy too. Virgil was waiting for his next journey. Near him stood a bad guy. But he didn't look friendly like Sonic. The bad guy growled as he gazed at the happy passengers.
  • Lance: Stupid nonsense.
  • George Carlin: He grumbled.
  • Lance: I wouldn't have brought them if I've known. I did have a breakdown or something.
  • Virgil: I'm glad you didn't.
  • George Carlin: Smiled Virgil.
  • Virgil: You had spoiled their fun.
  • Lance: Bah! Enjoyment is all you characters lived for. One day railways will be ripped up.
  • George Carlin: Virgil felt shocked at such an idea.
  • Virgil: We have a friend called Sonic and he's a hedgehog. But he likes the railway. Sometimes he teases us about it, but he'd never want to see it ripped up.
  • Lance: Heh!
  • George Carlin: Growled the bad guy.
  • Lance: I know Sonic. He's too small in size to be in any use.
  • George Carlin: Virgil took no notice.
  • Virgil: That bus is silly.
  • George Carlin: He thought as he steamed away. At the junction, Virgil told Richie all about him.
  • Richie: I call him Lance.
  • George Carlin: Chuckled Richie and then he puffed happily away. But that afternoon when the two characters met again, Richie was no longer laughing.
  • Richie: Lance's friend had come.
  • George Carlin: He said.
  • Richie: He's rude too. He's taking Lance's passengers home and leaving Lance free to steal ours.
  • Virgil: But he can't.
  • George Carlin: Objected Virgil.
  • Richie: Lance says he can get them to the big station before us.
  • Virgil: Rubbish!
  • George Carlin: Replied Virgil.
  • Virgil: It's much farther by road.
  • Richie: Yeah.
  • George Carlin: Continued Richie.
  • Richie: But Lance says he knows a shortcut.
  • George Carlin: That evening, the characters were preparing for the homeward rush.
  • Virgil: Where are the passengers?
  • George Carlin: They wondered.
  • Richie: Look!
  • George Carlin: Shrilled Richie.
  • Richie: Look at Lance. He's a mean scarlet deciever.
  • George Carlin: Lance was wearing a large sign saying: Railway Bus.
  • Lance: Yaa boo snubs.
  • George Carlin: He jeered as he roared away.
  • Virgil: Come on.
  • George Carlin: Puffed Virgil to his coaches.
  • Virgil: Let's see what he's up to.
  • George Carlin: Virgil wanted to get back at Lance, but he wasn't sure how. Then in the distance, Virgil saw a man waving a red flag. That meant danger. The line here crosses a narrow road and there was Lance wedged firmly under the bridge.
  • Virgil: So this was his shortcut.
  • George Carlin: Chuckled Virgil.
  • Passengers: He tricked us.
  • George Carlin: Shouted Lance's passengers.
  • Passengers: He said he was a railway bus, but he wouldn't accept our return tickets. He wanted us to think railways are no good.
  • George Carlin: Virgil's crew examined the bridge.
  • Virgil's Crew: It's risky, but we must help the passengers.
  • Virgil: Passengers are urgent.
  • George Carlin: Agreed Virgil. Virgil slowly and carefully set off across the bridge. Lance wailed as he felt the bridge quiver.
  • Lance: (groaning) Stop!
  • George Carlin: He shouted.
  • Lance: It might fall on me.
  • Virgil: That would serve you right for telling lies.
  • George Carlin: Said Virgil. But the bridge didn't collapse. Virgil made good time and all the passengers caught their trains. The bridge is now mended, but not unfortunately Lance and his ways. He never learned sense. He's a henhouse and his lies can do no harm. The hens never listened to him anyway.

Richie Owns Up

  • George Carlin: On a clear day when the sky is blue and there is just enough breeze to blow the clouds away, you can stand on a big hill above the valley and watch Virgil and Richie far below, busily at work on Virgil's branch line near the sea. The two characters are very proud of their matching coats of gleaming color. Richie often talks about the time that Drix saved him from scrap.
  • Richie: If it wasn't for his help...
  • George Carlin: Richie would say.
  • Richie: I might have caught when I ran away from the scrapyard, and I would never come to live here on Steven's railway.
  • George Carlin: The other characters all wanted to know about Richie's adventures.
  • Shaggy: Amazing!
  • George Carlin: Remarked Shaggy.
  • Raimundo: Richie...
  • George Carlin: Said Raimundo.
  • Raimundo: ...has resource.
  • Terry: And sagacity.
  • George Carlin: Put in Terry.
  • Alex: What does that mean?
  • George Carlin: Whispered Alex.
  • Ash: I think...
  • George Carlin: Replied Ash.
  • Ash: ...it's about being clever and wise.
  • Terry: He is...
  • George Carlin: Finished Terry.
  • Terry: ...an example to us all.
  • George Carlin: I'm sorry to say that Richie became very puffed up in the smokebox.
  • Richie: Shaggy says I'm amazing. He's right.
  • George Carlin: He whistled as he swooshed along the line. One morning, Steven came to see him.
  • Steven: You are doing well. Now you must learn how to look after Beedrill.
  • George Carlin: Every wise character knows that you cannot trust Beedrill. The other charactesr warned Richie but he took no notice.
  • Richie: You think I can manage.
  • George Carlin: He said huffly.
  • Richie: Terry knows better. He's says I'm sagacious.
  • Virgil: You may be good gracious or whatever you called it, but Beedrill can be troublesome and...
  • Ozzy: Say no more, Virgil.
  • George Carlin: Interested Ozzy,
  • Ozzy: It's a pity, but the wee character just learned for itself.
  • George Carlin: Richie pulled some loaded Beedrill into a siding and pushed the empties into the chute. Then he came back to take the loaded Beedrill away. But they were comfortable and didn't want to move.
  • Beedrill: What right is he to poke his head in here? We want Virgil or Ozzy! Or Drix!
  • Richie: Look sharp.
  • George Carlin: Huffed Richie.
  • Beedrill: That's not the way to speak.
  • George Carlin: Hissed the Beedrill.
  • Beedrill: We'll get even.
  • George Carlin: Richie heard nothing. The Beedrill move smoothly at first, then suddenly, Richie found them forced forward. His driver applied the brakes, but they were useless against the surging Beedrill.
  • Beedrill: On, on, on!
  • George Carlin: Yelled the Beedrill. Richie formed hard, but still they forced them on and on. At last, the Beedrill grew tired.
  • Richie: I'm winning.
  • George Carlin: Gasped Richie. But it was too late. Richie layed bruised and benuised, bunkered down in the turntable well. Virgil survaved the damaged.
  • Virgil: Hello, Richie. Are you being a good gracious character? Beg pardon, we really don't like this sort of surprise. Ozzy and Drix will miss their turntable until it was mended.
  • George Carlin: That night, Richie was hold gently to safety.
  • Richie: I'm sorry, sir.
  • George Carlin: He said to Steven.
  • Richie: I shouldn't listen to Virgil's advice. I don't feel good gracious or whatever it is. I just feel silly.
  • Steven: Well, Richie.
  • George Carlin: Replied Steven.
  • Steven: Now you know the damage Beedrill can do.
  • Richie: Yes I do, sir. I look like a load of scrap iron.
  • Steven: Oh, I don't think so.
  • George Carlin: Laughed Steven.
  • Steven: But you do need to go to the works to be mended.
  • George Carlin: The other characters now felt sorry for Richie.
  • Virgil: The branch line would be a same without you.
  • George Carlin: Whistled Virgil.
  • Virgil: Come back soon.
  • George Carlin: A few days later, Richie did come back. His coat paint glistended in the sun. He's a wiser character too and never made the same about Beedrill again.

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