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Revenant

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What is a revenant?

A revenant is a reanimated human corpse. Common slang terms for revenants include: zombie, brain-chewer, ghoul, rotter and so forth and so own. In military parlance, revenants are usually referred to as Zach. This lead to the popular catch-phrase "Zachary don't surf" made popular by the singer for nü glam rock band Hype, Axis Ross, whose favorite shirt had the slogan emblazoned across the front. Ross, himself an avid surfer, was killed while pursuing the ever elusive "tasty wave" when a revenant hidden in the surf pulled him from his board and devoured him. The few surviving late-night comedians had a field day with that one.


How to identify a revenant

On first thought, identifying a ravenous, reanimated corpse seems very easy. For practice take a look at the following subjects and try to identify which is the revenant and which isn't... I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Suit

Subject A

Zombie-1

Subject B





Yes, Subject B is quite obviously a revenant. If you chose B, congratulations! Who wouldn't be terrified at the sight of B shambling out of the shadows of some God-forsaken skid row ally? Note the heavy decay about the face, as well as the obvious maggot infestation. Yep, there can be no doubts about B's zombie status.

However...

Subject A is also a revenant, albeit a much more recent addition to the ranks of the undead. Note the vacant look in the eyes, the grinning maw, and pale, pale skin. For shame if you thought A was an living, upstanding and productive member of society.

So how do you positively identify revenants?

The only fool-proof method of determining the zombie status of an individual is to shoot them, preferably in the chest. If the individual collapses and does not stand up, then they were in all likelihood not a member of the undead. Conversely, if an individual takes the hit and continues approaching, then it's a safe guess that they are a revenant. Unfortunately, this method of determining zombie status can be construed as extreme and cases of mistaken identity have occurred (see Barbano v. Zom-B-gone,579 U.S. 588). Most sources now agree that the best tool for determining a subject's zombie status is to let loose a dachshund or two and observe the subject's response. See also Zombie Hunting.


What do they want?

The short answer: nothing at all.

The long answer: nothing at all but to consume the flesh of the living.

Despite the efforts of some of the nation's brightest surviving scientists and politicians, there has been no breakthrough in zombo-human relations beyond the understanding that they want to eat the living. During early outbreaks, great effort was put into destroying revenants on sight. However, as the years rolled on, the public has balked at the ever increasing expense of such operations. As of the writing of this wiki, the current administration has adopted a laissez-faire attitude towards the undead. As such, official military actions are rare, while the public is actively encouraged to take matters into their own hands or seek private sector alternatives (See Zombie Hunters).


How do you destroy a zombie?

Please see Zombie Hunting for details.

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