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Cast

  • Snuffy as Fozzie Bear
  • Barbershop quartet Anything Muppets (from Counting Floors) as Singing Firemen
  • Madame Alma Cluck as Chicken

Lyrics

(Snuffy stands in front of some of the show's backdrops, addressing the audience.)

Snuffy: Oh! Uh, ladies and gentlemen. There's a, uh, situation backstage I think you should know about. You see...

(The barbershop quartet Anything Muppets arrive.)

Fat Blue Anything Muppet barbershop quartet singer: Hey, we're here!

Snuffy: Oh, the barbers! Oh, yes!

Lavender Anything Muppet barbershop quartet singer: Yeah, yeah, we're here to audition.

Snuffy: Audition? But, where's your equipment for the long hair? You know, the scissors, the shaving cream and razor?

Green Anything Muppet barbershop quartet singer: Oh, yeah, we brought one of those.

Snuffy: You got a comb!

Lavender Anything Muppet barbershop quartet baritone singer: No, an act.

(The barbershop quartet Anything Muppets laugh as the track to "I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire" begins to play.)

Snuffy: An act?

Green Anything Muppet barbershop quartet singer: Yeah, we're The Singing Barbers.

Snuffy: But, there's long hair over here.

Lavender Anything Muppet barbershop quartet: Oh, this is a hot one. He'll love it.

Snuffy: It needs tending. Will ya'..but listen!

(The Fat Blue Anything Muppet barbershop quartet singer escorts him offstage as they begin to sing.)

The barbershop quartet Anything Muppets: I don't want to set the world on fire

Snuffy: (running by in the background) Long hair!

Fat Blue Anything Muppet barbershop quartet singer: I just want to start...

The barbershop quartet Anything Muppets: (Ooo, ooo)

Lavender Anything Muppet barbershop quartet singer: A flame in your heart

The barbershop quartet Anything Muppets: (A flame in your heart)

Green Anything Muppet barbershop quartet singer: In my heart I have but one desire

(Snuffy passes through with scissors and a comb.)

Snuffy: Uh, 'scuse me, guys. Some people have to work around here. 'Scuse me.

Lavender Anything Muppet barbershop quartet baritone singer: And that what is you...

The barbershop quartet Anything Muppets: (Ooo, ooo)

Green Anything Muppet barbershop quartet singer: No other will do

The barbershop quartet Anything Muppets: (No other will do)

Lavender Anything Muppet barbershop quartet singer: I've lost all ambition for worldly acclaim

The barbershop quartet Anything Muppets: I just want to be the one you love

Snuffy: Whew!

Fat Blue Anything Muppet barbershop quartet singer: And with your admission that you feel the same

The barbershop quartet Anything Muppets: I'll have reached the goal I'm dreaming of
Believe me
I don't want to set the world on fire

Snuffy: (rushing by with a razor and shaving cream) Uh, you don't have to, it started already.

The barbershop quartet Anything Muppets: I just want to start a flame
A flame in your heart

Madame Alma Cluck: (offstage, clucking in despair)

Snuffy: (rushing out with a barber's pole and a barber's chair) Don't worry, I'll save you!

(Snuffy returns to the stage with Madame Alma Cluck, moaning in the barber's chair with the barber's pole.)

Snuffy: Are you proud of yourselves? You made this chicken a nervous wreck!

(The barbershop quartet Anything Muppets bow as the stage fills with more long hair.)

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