- Bert as Sam the Eagle
- Sherlock Hemlock as Jean Pierre Napoleon
- Oscar the Grouch as Constantine
- Zoe as Miss Piggy
- Grover as Gonzo
- Prairie Dawn as Camilla
- Forgetful Jones as Lew Zealand
- Count von Count as Dr. Teeth
- Biff as Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
- The Amazing Mumford as The Swedish Chef
- Sully as Beaker
- Frazzle as Animal
- Honkers as Penguins
- Ernie as Fozzie Bear
- Bert: Big Bird, let's begin
Describe the day you played Berlin
- Oscar the Grouch (pretending to be Big Bird): We rehearsed and then we walked about
We ate bratwurst and sauerkraut
- Sherlock Hemlock: That night, at 10:03
Were you inside the portrait gallery?
- Oscar the Grouch: From 10:00 to 10:04
Was when we did the show's encore
- Bert: Hm, bird, we've got our doubts
Can you confirm your whereabouts?
- Oscar the Grouch: My alibi is watertight
The audience saw me sing all night
- Sherlock Hemlock: Monsieur, we know you did the crime
- Oscar the Grouch: I was onstage that whole time
Ask who sang Rainbow Connection.
- Bert and Sherlock Hemlock: Thank you, Big Bird! No more questions!
- Sherlock Hemlock: Hello! I think it's time for good cop/romantic cop.
- Zoe, you cleaned up lock inside
Now's your chance to save your hide
- Zoe: Oh, gentlemen, I did not know
It's a crime to steal the show
- Bert: Tell us how the art was taken
- Sherlock Hemlock: If you want to save your bacon
- Zoe: I haven't seen your missing art
All I stole was audience hearts
- Bert: We can give you a plea deal
- Sherlock Hemlock: All you have to do is squeal
- Zoe: I'm not a thief, I don't know how
All I've ever taken is a bow
- Sherlock Hemlock: We'll catch the swine that did this job
- Zoe: Give up the pig puns, creep!
Go jump in a lake, that's my suggestion!
- Bert and Sherlock Hemlock: Thank you, Zoe! No more questions!
- Sherlock Hemlock (spoken): I think she likes me, no?
- Bert (spoken): I don't think your puns are helping the investigation.
- Sherlock Hemlock: You know, I think they did it
- Bert: No, they didn't!
- Sherlock Hemlock: Yes, they did, and we can pin it
- Bert: If they did, how did they do it?
- Sherlock Hemlock: If they didn't, how did they didn't?
- Bert: If they didn't, then it's easy
'Cause they simply didn't do it
- Sherlock Hemlock: If they did it, then I knew it
But we've nothing that can prove it!
- (spoken): Ahem. Oh excuse me. Bring in the blue guy with the schnoz.
- Bert: Do you remember what you did
On the night you played Madrid?
- Grover: I was hit by a raging bull
And rushed off-stage to the hospital
- Sherlock Hemlock: Grover, what do you know
About the sculpture theft at Madrid's Prado?
- Grover: I never saw the stolen bust
I spent the night in bed concussed
- Bert: The truth, Grover, the clock is ticking
- Grover: If you don't believe me, ask the little girl
Prairie Dawn was there, she'll cooperate
- Sherlock Hemlock: Madam, are you willing to corroborate?
- Prairie Dawn: (clucking)
- Bert: Will somebody get this girl out of here?
- Grover: Calm down, Prairie Dawn, it's a routine inspection
- Bert and Sherlock Hemlock: Thank you, Grover! No more questions!
- Sherlock Hemlock: Let's go from the start
What do you know about the stolen art?
- Forgetful Jones: I didn't know there was a plan
- Count von Count: Your accusation's far out, man!
- Biff: The chances of us committing a crime
Are less than .009
- The Amazing Mumford: (Faux-Swedish)
- Sherlock Hemlock: To help with our investigation
Can you do a full translation?
- Translator/Sully: What the chef just said to you was "Shnoopdy-shnoopdy-shnoo." It's not Swedish.
- Frazzle: (grunts and laughs)
- Honkers: (honking)
- Ernie: Uh, I can do an Elvis impression
- Bert and Sherlock Hemlock: Thank you, Muppets! No more questions!
- Sherlock Hemlock: They didn't
- Bert: No, they didn't
- Sherlock Hemlock: There's no way they did the crime
- Bert: They couldn't, they're too stupid
- Sherlock Hemlock: They're not criminal masterminds
- Bert: We do not know who did it
But we know they didn't do it
- Sherlock Hemlock and Bert: So we know who didn't do it
Yes, we know who didn't do it!
- Sherlock Hemlock (spoken): They're incapable of being culpable.
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