(Inside the barrel, Dick Dastardly is approaching his throne, being cheered by some tough-looking weasels, including the Toon Patrol. He sits down and holds out his cigarette. Several hands offer lit matches, and he lights it and inhales, blowing out several smoke rings.)
- Dick Dastardly/Ratigan: My friends, we are about to embark on the most odious, the most evil, the most diabolical scheme of my illustrious career. A crime to top all crimes...a crime that will live in infamy!
(Most of the weasels are cheering at this bit of news, save one weasel, Wacky Weasel, whose attention is focused on his empty mug. He holds it upside down and watches sadly as the last drop of beer falls to the floor.)
(Dick Dastardly holds up a newspaper featuring Princess Presto's picture on the front page.)
- Dick Dastardly/Ratigan: Tomorrow evening, our beloved monarch celebrates her Diamond Jubilee, and...with the enthusiastic help of our good friend, Professor Oak...
(The weasels chuckle as one of them elbows Wacky in the face.)
- Dick Dastardly/Ratigan: ...it promises to be a night she will never forget!
(He burns her picture with his cigarette, scaring the weasels (except Wacky).)
- Dick Dastardly/Ratigan: Her last night...and my first, as supreme ruler of all mousedom!
(Dick Dastardly jumps, knocking his hat off his head and messing up his hair. As the weasels cheer for him, he smoothes his hair, then saunters down the red carpet as a spotlight shines on him and an evil tune plays. A weasel guard hands him his top hat, which he rolls down his arms before putting it on. He gives an evil laugh and begins to sing.)
- Dick Dastardly/Ratigan: From the brain that brought you the Mewtwo Caper
The head that made headlines in every newspaper
And wondrous things like the Tower Bridge Job
That cunning display that made Pokemon sob
(Meanwhile, Dick Dastardly twirls his cane around a rope and yanks on it, causing champagne to pour out onto a fountain. Wacky's tail is wagging at the chance for more liquor, and he tosses his empty glass over his shoulder, and rushes over to the fountain, drinking from one of the spouts.)
- Dick Dastardly/Ratigan: Now comes the real tour de force
Tricky and wicked, of course
My earlier crimes were fine for their times
But now that I'm at it again..
(Dick Dastardly kicks Wacky into the fountain. Then he advances menacingly on The Toon Patrol, who back away in fear and shut their eyes, but then brighten up as Dick Dastardly removes the top hat. The Toon Patrol weasels (except Psycho) do the same as they bow in front of him.)
- Dick Dastardly/Ratigan: An even grimmer plot has been simmering
In my great criminal brain
- Weasels/Thugs: Even meaner?
You mean it?
Worse than the widows and orphans you drowned?
(Wacky pokes his head from the champagne as the weasels lift Dick Dastardly into their arms and spin him around.)
- Weasels/Thugs: You're the best of the worst around
The rest fall behind
(Wacky climbs out and drunkenly falls flat on his face.)
- Weasels/Thugs: Dick Dastardly
The world's greatest criminal mind.
(The weasels pull back as Dick Dastardly is seated at a harp. The lighting becomes blue as he plays.)
- Dick Dastardly/Ratigan: Thank you, Thank you. But it hasn't all been champagne and caviar. I've had my share of adversity, thanks to that miserable second-rate Pokemon trainer, Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town.
(He directs his gaze to a small boy doll dressed in clothes that resemble Ash Ketchum's, needles poking at it.)
(The weasels boo heavily.)
- Dick Dastardly/Ratigan: (mock crying) For years, that insufferable pipsqueak has interfered with my plans. I haven't had a moment's peace of mind.
- Weasels/Thugs: Aww!
(Wacky sniffles and begins to cry! The lighting turns red as the illusion is shattered.)
- Dick Dastardly/Ratigan: But, all that's in the past! This time, nothing, not even Ash, can stand in my way! All will bow before me!
(The weasels bow as the lighting becomes normal again.)
- Weasels/Thugs: '"Dick Dastardly
Dick DastardlyYou're tops and that's that
(Wacky drunkenly finishes the verse...)
- Wacky Weasel/Bartholomew: To Dick Dastardly, the world's greatest pig! (hiccups)
(Dick Dastardly spits out his wine in shock. The Toon Patrol gasps in terror as Dick Dastardly spins, towering over Wacky.)
- Dick Dastardly/Ratigan: What was that?!
(Innocently, Wacky hiccups again.)
- Dick Dastardly/Ratigan: What did you call me?
- Greasy/Thug 1: Oh, oh, he didn't mean it, Senor.
- Smart Guy/Bill the Lizard: I-it was just a slip of the tongue.
- Dick Dastardly/Ratigan: (lifting Wacky by his jacket) I am NOT A PIG!
- Psycho/Thug 2: Of course you're not. You are a man.
- Stupid/Thug 1: Duh, yeah, that's right. Right! A man.
- Wheezy/Bill the Lizard: Yeah. (coughing) A human man. (hacks)
- Dick Dastardly/Ratigan: SILENCE!
(Dick Dastardly throws Wacky outside. He rolls and shakes his head as he sits up.)
- Dick Dastardly/Ratigan: Oh, my dear Wacky Weasel... I'm afraid that you've gone and upset me. (dramatically) You know what happens when someone upsets me...
(Dick Dastardly pulls out the bell from his vest pocket. He rings it, and the Toon Patrol weasels gasp in terror as they look to the alleyway, where a shadow is approaching. A light brown cat with white markings at the muzzle and tummy, white eyes with black pupils, pointy ears with a notch in the right, and sharp black claws - Azrael - is approaching the oblivious Wacky.)
- Wacky/Bartholomew: (drunkenly) Dick Dastardly
You're the tops and that's that
(hic) Oh dear.
(Azrael has picked up Wacky and all we see is the shadow of the weasel hovering over the cat's open jaws. The Toon Patrol weasels are cowering in the doorway as Dick Dastardly himself is enjoying a cigarette.)
- Wacky/Bartholomew: To Dick Dastardly
...the world's greatest-
(A gulping noise is heard along with Azrael's content meow.)
(Smart Guy and Greasy remove thier hats, and Wheezy, Stupid, and Psycho have tears falling from their eyes.)
(Wheezy wipes a tear from his eye with a finger, and a tearful Stupid hands Psycho a tissue. Psycho sniffles as he wipes a tear from his eye with the tissue.)
(Dick Dastardly is cooing over his cat, wiping his mouth with his handkerchief.)
- Dick Dastardly/Ratigan: Tsk, tsk, tsk. Oh, Azrael, my precious, my baby. (He hugs Azrael; fatherly) Did Daddy's little honey bun enjoy his tasty treat?
(Azrael burps in his face. Dick Dastardly looks a little dismayed, but he recovers and struts back towards the terrified Toon Patrol.)
(Smarty and Greasy have put their hats back on, and Wheezy, Stupid, and Pyscho have dried their eyes.)
- Dick Dastardly/Ratigan: I trust there will be no further interruptions. (He clears his throat and wraps his arms around Stupid and Psycho.) And now, as you were singing?
(Singing is clearly the last thing they have on their minds as they huddle close together. But as Dick Dastardly pulls out the bell again, they get their inspiration back.)
- Weasels/Thugs: Even louder
We'll shout it!
No one can doubt what we know you can do.
(Now, the weasel guards rushing towards him, handing him a robe, a crown, and a diamond topped scepter.)
- Weasels/Thugs: You're more evil than even you
You're one of a kind
(The weasels begin using Dick Dastardly's many jewels to form a pyramid. The weasel on the bottom can't keep his balance on the pearl, and they all tumble.)
(Above, others have been swinging from chandeliers, and one weasel begins to fall. Dick Dastardly holds out his robe to catch him, but at the last moment, pulls back, letting the mouse hit the floor. The weasels dramatically sing the final line of the song.)
- Weasels/Thugs: The world's greatest criminal mind!!
(As the song ends, they offer one last toast, while Ratigan finishes the rest of his wine. He smirks, and the image cuts back to Ash Ketchum's flat, first showing Dick Dastardly's picture.)