The Trouble With James (transcript)

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James had just received a new coat of paint, which, I'm sorry to say, meade him even more vain than usual.

(James arrives at Hays station)

James: Thundering Typhoons, I'm such a splendid engine! I say, Duck, aren't I just... Fantastic? Unbelievable? Aren't I just the greatest thing on eight wheels?

Duck: Yeah, you're unbelievable James... Unbelievably conceited! Ha ha ha!

(Duck runs off)

James: Ugh.. I never liked tank engines. They don't understand matters of importance, such as new coats of paint... I say, I'd better be pulling the Express next!

(Duck arrives at the yard)

Thomas: Oh, it's you, Duck. Hello.

Duck: Oh hello, Thomas, hello Stanley. Have you heard about James?

Stanley: No, what happened to James?

Duck: Well nothing really, but he's got a new coat of paint, and he's very conceited now.

Thomas: Well he was always a bit conceited, wasn't he?... Eh, what am I saying, "a bit", he was always VERY conceited.

Duck: Well yes, but now he's even worse than usual.

Stanley: How many times have I heard THAT one before? Heh heh.

Duck: Oh no, here comes that stuck-up snob now.

(James arrives)

James: Hey! Hello again, Duck! Oh, and there're both of you, Thomas and Stanley. Yes, yes... Observe my new coat of paint! Isn't it the GREATEST THING you've EVER seen?

Thomas: (sarcastic) Yeah, We wish we had one just like it.

James: I'm sure you do!

Thomas: Well actually, We were being sarcastic, We like blue and silver paints better.

Stanley: In case you haven't noticed.

Duck: Ha ha ha

(the switch changes)

James: Make way, Stanley! The FABULOUS James needs to use the water column!

Stanley: Oh... Whoa, Duck, you were right. He's worse than ever...

(James moves in front of the water column, bumping Stanley off of the rails.)

James: Oh, sorry Stanley, but I'm more important than YOU, so I should get to use the water tower first... (everyone stares at him) Hey, why are you all staring at me? You know, it's not polite to stare...

(Stanley falls down. Later, James puffs into Rockville Station.)

James: Hmm. what train am I pulling next, Driver? Hopefully the Express...

Driver: Ah, no, looks like it's gonna be a frieght train, James... It's right there on that siding.

James: A FRIEGHT train?!! No way, I'm not pulling any FRIEGHT train! No, leave that for the smaller engines, I have more important trains to pull-- such as the express! Heh heh, I wouldn't be caught that pulling a frieght train...

(James leaves the station. When he arrives at Hays, he sees Annie and Clarabel in a siding.)

James: Ooh, what have we got here-- Annie and Clarabel? Well, they're not exactly the Express coahces, but I suppose they'll have to do.

Annie and Clarabel: What?!! Not exactly the Express coaches?!! Let's bump him!

James: Whee, come on girls, I'm taking YOU for a ride! Ha ha!

(back in the yard)

Duck: Whew, I finally finished helping Stanley get back on the rails. Now I can just rest for a few minutes.

Yard Manager: Percy, for some reason, James didn't take his goods train. So, uh, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to take it.

Duck: Yes, sir! After that, I'll get some rest.

(Duck pulls James' goods train, very pleased. at Hays, Thomas searches for the coaches)

Thomas: Hey hey, Annie, Clarabel, where are my coaches?! Hey, what's this? Where ARE my coaches?!

Yard Manager: Oh, hi Thomas, James just took Annie and Clarabel for a ride.

Thomas: Oh... Oh, blow! Now what am I to do?! Stupid James... I'm gonna go off and give him a piece of my mind!

(Duck arrives at Hays Station.)

Duck: I've made it. Now, I'll tell the yard manager that I'll get some rest.

(Duck puffs away and goes back to the yard. Meanwhile, outside Sir Topham Hatt's house, James makes lots of noise as he rushes down the line.)

James: Hey! Ah, hello everyone! It's me, James! The best engine on the line, of course! Ha ha! James, the Red Engine!

Sir Topham Hatt: Ah... Nothing like a nice quiet day... (hears James out the window) AGH! What's all that noise outside?! Aw, I better go put a stop to this right away... Oh, bother.

(James approaches the frieght train)

James: Hey, what's that ahead of me?! It looks just like a frieght train... The frieght train that I didn't pull! Oh, the irony! AAAAAAHH!! (crashes) Oh, that hurt! Oh, help, help!

Thomas: Ooh, I'm gonna give that James a piece of my mind... Oh, it looks like somebody's already done it. Huh. NO, no, no! Annie and Clarabel! Oh, my POOR coaches! Don't worry, I'm coming, my dears!

(Thomas takes the coaches and leaves)

James: Eheh... I'm sure Thomas will come back to rescue me... Uh, of course he will... Any time now...

Thomas: No way, I don't care about James at all!

Duck: (approaches James and stops) Well well well, if it isn't James! Haha! Look what your arrogance has gotten you into now!

James: Oh shut up Duck, no-one wants to hear your little sermon! No help me get back on the rails! You stupid little engine.

Duck: I would if I could, James. What do you see, James?!

James: The Fat Controller's car! Oh, I'm doomed!

Duck: Oh oh, you're in trouble now James!

James: Shut up! What do you mean, ME, Duck? He was well! You were the one who did my own job!

Duck: Yeah, you're right! (laughs)

Sir Topham Hatt: You Silly engines... Okay, tell me what happened...

James: Well I was just puffing innocently along the line, when I bumped into Duck's train.

Sir Topham Hatt: James, I want the real TRUTH, not the fake one some you made up! Duck, YOU tell me what happened.

Duck: Okay sir. You see, James was being really conceited, and self-centered, and arrogant, and all that... So first, he bumps Stanley and pushes him off the rails, so that HE can have the water column first--

James: NO! That's completely untrue!

Duck: Heh, yeah, yeah, whatever James. And then instead of taking his frieght train, he stole Annie and Clarabel from Thomas--

James: No, I never did that!

Duck: Be quiet James. And then he took Annie and Clarabel, and..

James: No, really, I did not! I didn't steal any coaches! Why would I steal THOMAS's old coaches?

Duck: He was pulling Annie and Clarabel, and then he crashed into his own frieght train.

Sir Topham Hatt: Oh James! You've REALLY done it this time. You had caused confusion and delay.

James: I'm sorry, sir. Please, give me another chance! Please don't punis --

Sir Topham Hatt: Silence, James. Now, what would be an appropriate punishment for all this.. Stealing coaches, and not pulling trains...

James: How about letting me off the hook?

Sir Topham Hatt: No, I'm not going to do that. No, I think an appropriate punishment would be... suspending you from pulling trains for the next two months.

James: Two months?!! Sir, no, you can't be serious!

Fat Controller: I'm perfectly serious, James.

Duck: Ha ha ha. I hoped you learned your lesson now, James.

Fat Controller: Now I'll send for the breakdown train, and they'll put you back on the rails.

James: Oh, yi-yi-yi!

(The next day, James is stuck in the shed. Duck arrives.)

James: Oh, Duck, tell me, how long has it been? When if I'm going to be able to pull trains again? It feels like it's been ages...

Duck: James, it's still two months.

James: Two months?!! Oh, I am never going to get to pull trains!!! (bawls)

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