James gets revenge on Diesel for not letting him return his money and scraps his parents!


  • James as Eric Cartman
  • Thomas as Stan Marsh
  • Duck as Kyle Broflovski
  • Whiff as Kenny McCormick
  • Percy as Butters Stotch
  • Rheneas as Clyde Dorvman
  • Duke as Timmy
  • Hank as Chef
  • Diesel as Scott Tenorman
  • Arry and Bert as Scott's Buddies
  • The Diesel/D261 as Jack Tenorman
  • Judge Judy (a made-up Thomas diesel) as Mrs. Tenorman
  • The Stationmaster as Bijou theater clerk
  • The Railway Inspector as Man in Fort Collins
  • Stephen Hatt as Teen in Fort Collins
  • Derek and Rusty as Jimbo and Ned
  • The Yard Manager as Kurt Loder
  • Herbert the Green Tank Engine as Mr. Denkins
  • The Horrid Lorries as Radiohead


James: (Pulling his Coaches) Doodoo doot doo, dadadadada daa, ya da dadaa

Doodoo doot doo, dadada daa, heydy heydy heydy, how's it goin', guys?

Duck: What the heck are you so happy about, James?!
James: [coolly] Oh, nothing. No big deal, really.
Thomas: What's no big deal?
James: Well, guys, it seems that I am the first one of us to reach manhood after all.
Duck: ...What the heck are you talking about?!
James: Well, becuase, unlike you guys, I just got my first oil trains! Ayada da daa, yadadadadee!
Whiff: (You got oil trains??)
Duck: What's "oil trains"?
Thomas: Diesel oil. He's saying he got his first diesel oil.
Duck: Oh. [to Cartman] No you didn't!
James: Oh yes I did! I'm becoming a big engine!
Thomas: He's lying. [turns and puffs away. Whiff follows, then Duck]
James: You wanna see 'em?
Duck: [turns to look at them] Heck no! [Thomas and Whiff turn to look]
James: [reaches into his tender] Here, check 'em out.
Thomas: [looks away and hides his eyes] We don't wanna see them, James! [Duck turns around, Whiff whistles]
James: There, see?! How do you like [them] apples! [in his footplate is a can of diesel oil. The other engines look, with Duck ready to cover his eyes again] HA!
Duck: [approaches] Uh what are those? [Thomas and Whiff follow]
James: My oil trains
Thomas: What??
James: I got 'em from Devious Diesel.
Duck: Devious Diesel? The 08 diesel shunter?
James: Yup. He let me have 'em for just ten bucks. Ha ha ha! I got oil trains 'fore you guys did! I got diesel trains 'fore youuu guys! Ahahahahahahaa ha! [dances a little more]
Thomas: James, you are so darn stupid it's unbelievable.
James: [moves in between Thomas and Duck and embraces them, one under each buffer, and gloats. Duck looks at James' right buffer) Don't be jealous, guys. (Duck looks at James] This doesn't mean we can't still hang out. [Duck looks back at James' buffer] It just means that I matured faster than you. [Duck fears for that oil touching him] You'll get your oil trains guys, someday.
Duck: James, you don't buy oil trains, you'll break down!
James: Uh oo what?
Thomas: When you get old enough, you pull trains of diesel oil, you stupid stuck up snort!
James: Nuh uh!
Duck: Yuh huh!
James: [looks at his purchase] But then why would Diesel sell me his pubes for ten dollars?
Duck: Because, you're dumb enough to buy Diesel's oil trains for ten dollars!
James: You're telling me these oil trains are worth nothing.
Duck: Yeah.
James: [puffs off in a huff] Huh I'm gonna get that little villian.
[the smelters, day. Three diesels sit on the front steps]
Diesel: And so I told him, I said "Here. I'll sell you my oil trains for only ten bucks." And this stupid red steamie buys them! [the other two diesels laugh]
Arry: Oh man! [James makes his way up to the diesels]
Diesel: Speak of the devil! What do you want?
James: Uh, yes, I've come to return these oil trains that I purchased, please?
Diesel: Uh uh, I don't take returns!
James: Right, but you see, I didn't realize, when I bought these oil trains from you, that you were full of dirt! So you can either give me back my ten dollars, or I can go tell my mom on you!
Diesel: You would actually tell your mom that you were stupid enough to pay for my pubes? Huh uh, I don't think soho!
James: Just give me back my money...
Diesel: Buyer beware, dude!
James: Gimme my ten dollars, Diesel!
Diesel: Hehey, I said no! Now get your tender out of here before I kick your funnel in! [defeated, James puffs away]
[Diesel's Scrapyard later. James whistles for Diesel]
James: [in costume, with briefcase] Hello, sir, my name is Kris Kristoferssen. I'm with the IRS. I'm here to collect ten dollars that you own in back taxes
Diesel: You're not from the IRS! You glued my pubes onto your face!
James: [thinks a bit] Tax evasion is a very serious offense, sir! I suggest that you...
Diesel: Alright alright. I'll trade you my pubes back for the money.
James: You will? Oh, cool!
Diesel: How much did I charge? Uh, oh yeah. Ten dollars. You got change for a twenty?
James: Oh. Uh, lessee. [pulls out some money] I only got six dollars and twelve cents.
Diesel: Oh. well... that's okay. Here. Just... give me the six dollars. [done.] And then I'll... give you the twenty.
James: ...Okay.
Diesel: Now, give me the pubes, and I'll give you back two dollars.
James: Right.
Diesel: Now, give me the twelve cents, and I'll give you the rest of your change back.
James: Cool.
Diesel: And then give me the twenty, and I'll give you the pubes. [oils back in the scrapyard with his money back]
James: Sweet! [the door closes] Uh. Oh, Fizzling Fenders!
[Bijou movie house, later. The boys are going to see a "BIG WAR MOVIE"]
James: That stupud villian! That little, smelly, devious villian! I'm goona get him!
Duck: James, can I give you some advice?
James: What?!
Duck: Just let it go, dude. You only had sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Count all your losses and move on. He's smarter than you.
James! He is not smarter than me! He just charmed me, that's all! He's a charmer, that Diesel!! But I'll get him someday!! [the engines reach the box office and buy their tickets]
Duck: One please.
Thomas: One please.
Whiff: (One please.)
James: One please. [with no money, he tries to pay with oil. Nothng happens for a while]
Bert: That'll be six dollars
James: O-kay, and how much is that in oil trains?
Bert: We don't take oil trains!
James: Listen, my money is as good as anybody's! Don't you, uh, discriminate against my people by not accepting these oil trains
Bert: We don't take oil trains!! End of story!!
James: Meanie! [takes the oil trains and runs off]
[The Smelters, later. James whistles for Diesel]
James: Diesel, Diesel! Courtney Love is in Sodor! She's all drunk and spreading her legs and showing her poonanner to everybody! You gotta go check it out! I'll watch your house for ya!
Diesel: Okay, I'll buy the oil trains back! Here!
James: [stunned] What?
Diesel: Sixteen dollars! Take it! I-I'll even throw in an extra five! Here! Give me back my oil trains!
James: [softly] Wha-? Uh oo [audibly] why do you want then back so much?
Diesel: No reason.
James: I don't believe you.
Diesel:: Alright alright! The oil fair in Fort Collins.
James: Pube fair?
Diesel: They're paying five bucks a hair for oil trains! If I leave now, I can catch the last bus!
James: Five bucks a hair? The- that's like a million dollars!
Diesel: Hehere, take your money!
James: Hoho, I don't think so, Diesel! I'm going to Fort Collins myself!
Diesel: Oh, you can't do this to me! Nooo!
James: Haha, charade you are, Diesel! [runs away quickly]
Diesel: Have you no heart??
[Boat Terminal, day. James stands in line waiting for a trip to Fort Collins. Engines are boarding the boat]
James: [cuts through the line] Ahaaa, what a stupid villian! Hahahahaha! [enters the bus]
[Bus, evening. The sun has already set and James is still on the boat, en route to Fort Collins]
James: Hohoho! I won a million dollars!! Whew! Ow!
[Fort Collins, night. Cartman gets off the bus and walks]
James: Hahaaha! Ha. Ha. Heh. Huh, excuse me, sir.
Railway Inspector: Yes?
James: Can you tell me where the oil fair is?
Railway Inspector: The pube fair?
Cartman: Yeah, I have some oil trains to sell.
Railway Inspector: There's no such thing, you smart snort! [walks away]
James: No- no such thing?
Stephen Hatt: [approaches with a box] Hey, you wouldn't happen to be James, would you?
James: I'm James!
Stephen Hatt: Well, I think this is for you. [hands it to James and walks away. James sets the box down and opens it. He looks in, and a look of shock is on his face. He sees more oil]
James: [screams] Ahh!!!
[The Scrapyard, night. James whistles again, this time in the rain. Diesel answers. James is soaked with rain, his dome wrinkling]
James: A hundred and six miles, Diesel. I had to ride a hundred and six miles in the back of a pickup truck... to get back here
Diesel: You really went? What a 'tard.
James: Alright, Diesel, you win. I give up.
Diesel: You do? Wow, you're not as stupid as I thought.
James: Yeah, I'll see you around. [puffs off, but stops] Sure is too bad about my grandma, though...
Diesel: Your grandma?
James: [turns around] Huh? Oh, it's... it's not really your soncern, since uh-... well, my grandma's in the hospital. She's very sick. The doctors say unless I can come up with sixteen dollars for her operation, they're gonna put her down.
Diesel: Oh. [strokes his horn] Jeez, I-... I didn't realize that.
James: Yeah. Poor grandma...
Diesel: Hey, steamie... Hold on a second ah, ah, I'll get yoru money. [through the window, Diesel is seen going for the money]
James: [smiling, to himself] Heheheheheh. He's such a meanie, heheheheheh. [returns to the scrapyard. Diesel returns]
Diesel: Here you go.
Jamses: Oh, wow, thankts a lot, Diesel! (Diesel withholds the money]
Diesel: But... just one thing before I give it to you:
James: What?
Diesel: I just... well... I want you to beg for it.
James: Huh?
Diesel: Just... stay still and- beg me for the money.
James: Why??
Diesel: Do you want your grandma to live or not?!
James: [looks around to make sure no one else is watching, then quickly] Please Diesel give me my money.
Diesel: Nono, stay still. [Cartman begins to stay still] Blow your whistle [James whisltes], and say "I beg you to give me back my money."
James: I beg you to give me back my money.
Diesel: Now say, "I'm a little piggy."
James: What?!
Diesel: Say it!
James: [looks around] I'm a little piggy.
Diesel: [points to his nose] "Here's my snout."
James: [points to his nose] Here's my snout.
Diesel: "Oink oink oink."
James: Oink oink oink.
Diesel: Now dance, little piggy! Dance and oink for me!
James: [looks back angrily for a few seconds, then]

I'm a little piggy; here's my snout. Oink oink oink, oink oink oink. [Diesel begins to laugh] I'm a little piggy; here's- Aalrightalrightalright, now give me back my money!

Diesel: You mean this? [Cartman brightens up] You really care that much about sixteen measly dollars? I mean, what can you buy with sixteen dollars?! My parents give me a fifty dollar-a-week allowance. This pittance means nothing to me. Watch. [holds the bills out and strikes a lighter under them]
James: What- What are you doing?? [the bills light up and burn from one end to the other. Diesel lets the burning bills float away] No!.. wuh...why?
Diesel: Now you can't bug me for your dumb money! [rolls back to the smelters, shutting the door behind him. James puffs off from the smeleters. Halfway there, he looks at his mitts, then grows indignant.]
James: Noooooooooo! ...You'll diiiiiiiiiie! ...Bust youuuuuuuu!
[James's shed, cellar. The engines in class has been reunited for something important. They're chattering amongst themselves]
James: [descending the stairs] Concerned citizens, I thank you for coming. [walks to the easel] I know that you are all deeply troubled and want to find a quick and painful way to get rid of Diesel once and for all! [Rheneas whistles] Yes, Rheneas!
Rheneas: Who's Diesel?
Engines: Yeah.
Duck: Diesel is an Class 08 shunter who sold James his oil trains for ten dollars, and now James's all mad.
James: [correcting Duck] Sixteen dollars and twelve cents! He is a disease. He is a cold calculating mind, and I will have revenge!
Percy: Wuh what are you gonna do?
James: Did you guys see that movie Hannibal? Where the deformed guy trained giants pigs to eat his enemy alive?? Well, if we find a pony [flips the first page over to reveal a drawing of a pony and takes up the pointer with his left hand], we can train it. Train it... to bite off Diesel's front coupling. [the other engines just stare back, but James continues] It will be painful and humiliating! Everyone will see it happen! And then, Diesel will forever be known as the kid who had his front coupling bitten off by a pony!!! WAHAHAHAHAA!!!
Duck: What's in it for us?
James: What?
Thomas: Yeah, why should we all care about getting Diesel back for you?
James: Oh, right. Why should we care? [slaps the pointer into his right hand] Yes, why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's just let Diesel roll away with my sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Hell, let's let all the Diesels of the world take what's ours and laugh in our faces. Why stand up for yourselves when you can just walk out of here right now and say, "It's not your problem." But... years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, when you could have made a difference! Where you could have told Diesel, "You may take our pride, but you'll naver take my fizzled sixteen dollars and twelve cents!!" [flips to the next page, which has written on it "$16.12" with double underline] Now who's with me?!! [turns around to fine only one other person in the basement.]
Duke: Peep Peep!
James: [slaps his forehead and sighs] Christ. Alright, I guess it's just you and me, Duke!
Duke: Peep peep peep! [rolls out of the room. James is stunned, then angry]
[A barn, day. James is next to a scarecrow. He pulls out a frank from a bag of couplings and places it in the scarecrow's crotch]
James: There we go. [stands aside] Come and get it. [camera pulls back to reveal a pony nearby] ...Come on, pony, bite the coupling. Bite it. [the pony looks, then approaches] Come on, good pony. That's it! [the pony sniffs thei weiner] Now, bite it off! Bite off the coupling! Good pony! [the pony bares its teeth... only to start licking the coupling] Oh no, pony, he'll like that.
Derek: [rushng up with Rusty after eyeing James in the corral] James! Are you training that pony to plese you?!
James: No, I'm trying to teach it how to bite someone's coupling off. [by this time, the pony is sucking on the coupling]
Derek: Oh. Well, does Herbert know you're usin' his pony? He shoots trespassers on sight, you know.
James: He said it was okay.
Derek: Alright, then. [turns to walk away, but remembers something] Wait, why the hell are you trainin' Herbert's pony to bite off someone's coupling?
James: Because [ominously] of Diesel! I hate him! And I want to make him suffer!
Derek: Well, son, I think you have a pretty stupid plan there.
James: [noticing the sucking] Not like that, pony! [slaps the coupling out of its mouth]
Derek: Look, if you wanna get revenge on somebody, you've gotta think like a hunter. [the pony reaches for the coupling and starts sucking it again]
James: Whattayou mean?
Derek: Step 1: Find someone's weakness. Step 2: exploit that weakness.
James: How do I do that?
[The Smelters, night. James appears. He pulls out binoculars and checks out the various rooms in the smelters. He sees Diesel inside, with The Horrid Lorries posters on his wall]
Derek: [pops up] What do you see? [Rusty pops up. All three are in camouflage]
James: I see Diesel. With his black paint and his stupid evil look and his- Fizzling Fenders I hate him!!!
Derek: No, young hunter. I mean, what do you see? You must learn all you can about your kill.
James: Right, right. Let's see... There's posters. The Horrid Lorries posters! And he's reading a magazine about The Beatles!
Derek: Oo what's a Beatles?
Cartman: You know, that band that sings that song: Well, I'm a creep. I'm a winner...
Rusty: Mmuh what am I doing here?
Derek: Oh, Jesus, don't start singing, Derek!
James: So, the subject is a big Horrid Lorries fan, huh? Maybe I should come up with a [British accent] li'l ol' scheme [normal] that involves them.
Derek: Nice thinking, young hunter.
James: Whoa!
Derek: What?
James: I'm looking in Diesel's parents' room. Diesel's mom's about to take off her bra.
Derek: What?! Give me those! [rips the binoculars away and looks for himself] Holy crow, he's right, Ned! Mrs. Tenorman's lettin' the twins out!
Rusty: Mn let me see.
James: The Beatles. Yes, of course. [drops down]
Derek: Dear God, they're bigger than I ever imagined!
Rusty: Let me see. Let me see.
Derek: Here you go. [allows Ned to look through the binoculars, and Ned begins to masturbate] Wow, those are great. Maybe I should go grab some beers, Ned. Ned, what- a-are you jackin' it?
Rusty: Kinda.
Derek: Well, stop it! [the porch light turns on and Derek walks out the front door. Jimbo and Ned freeze]
D261: Hey, what the heck are you doing out there?!
Derek: [hushed] Oh man!
D261: Who's out there?
Derek: [hushed] Rusty, for Goodness's sake, stop jackin'!
Rusty: I can't.
D261: Don't think I don't see you! I know who you are and I'm calling the police! [Jimbo and Ned witness other men rise from the pushes and split. Among them are Gordon, in a Groucho Marx outfit; Spencer, dressed as a clown; Edward, with a paper shopping bag over his head; one man in scuba gear, and one more man]
A man: Whoa, I gotta get out of here! [D261 is left wondering why so many men were there.]
[The Smelters, the next day. James returns yet again and whistles. Diesel answers.]
James: [cheerfully] Oh, hey, Diesel. How's it goin'? I was just wondering, do you like the band, uh, The Beatles at all?
Diesel: Uh huh.
James: Oh, really? Oh, 'cause, they're doin' a big interview on MTV, and they're playing it tonight on a big screen downtown. [gloats] Everyone's gonna be there!
Diesel: Oh, cool. Um, thanks for tellin' me.
James: You're welcome, Diesel. [turns and walks away]
[Downtown The Island of Sodor, night. James stands on a small stage as a crowd gathers. On stage is a big-screen TV and tower speakers]
James: Okay. Well, it looks like everyone is here. Let's play the video, shall we? [activates the screen and then walks off stage]
The Yard Manager: Welcome back to MTV. We're here with the members from The Horrid Lorries, probably the hottest band in the world right now. [James joins the crowd and stops next to Diesel, his mood changing from happy to mad] Guys, when is the next album coming out?
James: [has taped over the band's answers with his own — first as Lorry 1] That's an interesting question, sir. But first I'd just like to say that I really hate this Class 08 shunter named Diesel. He's stupid. [now as Lorry 2] Yeah, I hate Diesel too. [Now as Lorry 3] I think all the guys in the band hate him, right guys?
James: Oh, did you hear that, Diesel? [Diesel looks down, and ponders James' role]
The Yard Manager: And will there be a new tour?
James: [Now as Lorry 4] Well, we would tour, but we just hate that Scott Tenorman kid so much that we don't want to. [Now as Lorry 5] Yeah. Diesel is totally not cool! He's not cool!
James: Wow, that really sucks for you, Diesel. [Diesel is gone] Diesel? Ha haha ha ha ha! Did you see that? Diesel mast have ran home so embarrassed! Ha ha ha ha. And you know what? That wasn't really Horrid Lorries talking! I just dubbed their voices over! HAHAHAHA! [feedback is heard] What a meanie! [the engines around him face right] And now everyone saw it! [looks around]
Diesel: [off screen] Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's time for the amazing Pube Boy! [moves aside to show an ever bigger TV, which is turned on. Diesel has apparently filmed James earlier begging for his money]
James: [on screen] I'm a little piggy; here's my snout. Oink oink oink, oink oink oink. [the kids begin to laugh hard, then harder. The same clip is shown over and over, and Whiff begins to laugh. Soon he can't control himself, and falls over dead]
Thomas: [looks over at Whiff's corpse] Oh my God, he scrapped Whiff.
James: [seething with anger] That does it! I'm gonna get Diesel once and for all!!!
[That night, dark and stormy, appropriate for James' mood at the moment, James' house. A engine possessed, he's in his room devising a new plan. An evil look comes across his face]
James: Hueah. You think you're so cool, Diesel? We'll see how cool you feel after this-uh! Yes. Yes! Yes!! [goes into whispers and brings out a protractor and a compass] Then... that... [finishes his plan] Hahaha, hahahaha! Yes! It is the most genius plan ever!! Diesel is going to wish he never met meee!!! [a truly evil grin appears on his face.]
[Herbert's farm, next day. James is back at the corral waiting for his friends. Thomas and Duck walk up.]
Duck: Okay, James, what do you want?
James: Thomas, Duck, thanks for coming. I have it all figured out!
Thomas: Got what all figured out?
James: How to get Diesel back!
Duck: [rolls his eyes] Oh!
James: I just finished planning a brilliant [British accent] li'l scheme [normal] that should put Diesel in his place for good! And if you help me, I'll give each of you... two... dollars. [holds out two buffers]
Duck: Okay, so what's the plan?
James: It's the brilliant combination of my last two plans. Diesel's favorite band is The Horrid Lorries, right?
Thomas: Yeah.
James: So, I realized, "What if we got Radiohead to come here to Sodor?" right? Then they could meet Diesel — and — see him get his coupling bitten off by a pony! [camera pulls back to reveal the setup: pony, scarecrow with coupling attached to groin]
Duck: ...What?
James: Don't you see? If I can get this pony to bite off Diesel's coupling in front of the Horrid Lorries, then Diesel would cry. And if Diesel cries, then the Horrid Lorries will say Diesel is totally not cool! And that would make Diesel wanna die!! [laughs] Okay, I'll keep working on the pony, you guys go get the Horrid Lorries to play here! Ready? Break!! [nothing happens for a few seconds]
Duck: You're such a stuck-up snort, James. [he and Thomas puff away]
James: ...Fine, I'll do it myself!! You guys just watch!! [walks over to the pony] Ready, pony? [the pony nods] Bite it! [the pony bites off a piece of the coupling] Yes!! [exults]
[London Recording Studio, day. Inside, Radiohead prepares to record. One of them is on the floor reading fan mail]
Lorry 1: Lorry 2, will you stop reading fan mail? We have work to do.
Lorry 2: Just a second, fellas. Listen to this:
Dear Horrid Lorries,

My name is James. I'm a teenage, 17-year old red engine from The Island of Sodor. I am writing to you because of a Class 08 shunter I know named Devious Diesel. Diesel is 24, and I'm afraid he has cancer. In his chassis. Horrid Lorries is his favorite band, and it would make his short life if you could find it in your hearts to visit him before he dies alone and scared. Won't you please consider it? I don't think he'll make it past... next Tuesday around 5.

Lorry 3: Wow, we have to go.
Lorry 4: To Colorado? But we have an album to mix.
Lorry 1: Didn't you hear the letter?? This poor diesel has cancer! In his chassis!
[The smelters, day. A phone rings. Diesel answers it in the inside of the scrapyard.]
Diesel Hello?
Duck: [voice at other end] Diesel?
Diesel: What do you want?!
Duck: We just wanna warn you: James, the red engine, is goin' tuh try and trick you somehow into getting your weiner bitten off by a pony who lives at Denkins' ranch.
Diesel: How do you know?
Duck: 'Cause, we're his friends.
Diesel: Then why are you telling me?
Duck: 'Cause we hate him.
Diesel: Oh.
Duck: Well, we just thought we'd let you know. See ya.
Diesel: See ya. [James whistles. Diesel goes over to open the door]
[At the front door]
James: [with tickets in buffer] Hello, Diesel!
Diesel: Hey.
James: I was just stopping by to invite you to my Chili Con Carnival. It's a chili cook-off with rides. [shows him the face of the ticket] Everyone's coming, and I wanted to drop by your invitation personally!
Diesel: Ooo, a chili carnival, huh? That sounds great.
James: [getting smug] Yeah! There is even gonna be a big surprise, so you won't wanna miss it, Scott.Oh, and here! Here's a coupon good for one free pony ride!
Diesel: Wow, a pony ride. Neat.
James: Oh, it will be very neat, Scott.
Diesel: Gosh. Chili, rides, and ponies? What more could I want?
James: [under his breath] A little coupling-biting, perhaps?
Diesel: What?
James: Uhnothing, nuhothing! So you'll come for sure then, Diesel?
Diesel: How can I turn it down?
James: Sweeet. Killer. Bye, Diesel. [Scott turns around and closes the door] Ohoho, you are good, James. You are very, very good. [leaves]
[back in the smelters]
Diesel: Mom, Dad, that was my good friend James at the door? He told me that there's a starving pony at Herbert' ranch that's been abandoned.
Judge Judy: Oh dear.
Diesel: Yeah, I feel really bad. But I don't know how I can help it, because I have a lot of homework to do.
D261: [drops his paper. Both parents rise] Well, don't you worry, Diesel. Your mom and I can go get the pony and have it taken to an animal shelter.
Judge Judy: We sure can.
Diesel: Wow, would you really? I feel so much better now.
Judge Judy: [hugs him] Oh, Diesel, you're such a loving, caring diesel. I'm so proud of you.
Diesel: I'm proud of you, too, Mom.
Judge Judy: Let's go, hon. [heads for the door]
D261: Let's. [follows her out]
[In the kitchen. Diesel is cooking up something... his henchmen arrive]
Arry: What are you doing, Scott?
Diesel: What's it look like? I'm making chili. Did you bring the goods?
Bert: [holds out a bag full of hair] We got everyone we could find to chip in. [his friend giggles] There are pubes from just about every single kid in town.
Diesel: Awesome! [yanks the bag away, opens it, and mixes the pubes into the chili]
Arry: Oh, dude!
Diesel: The red steamie thinks he's gonna get revenge tomorrow. We'll see how he likes it when I tell him he just ate the oil of every kid in town!
Bert: Yeah! [hi-fives Diesel, and the three laugh heartily]
[The Island of Sodor, next day. The Chili Con Carnival is in full swing. Engines have already arrived. Thomas and Duck walk up]
James: [steps out of the ticket booth to greet them] Oh, hello, guys! Thanks for coming to my Chili Con Carnival!
Thomas: This is the dumbest thing you've ever done, James.
James: [smug] Ohoho, it won't be so dumb when Diesel arrives. I suggest you stay to see the fireworks!
Duck: Oho, we will. Trust us. We won't miss this. [looks at Thomas, who's smiling]
James: What's so funny?
Thomas: Oh nothing, it's just cool how you're gonna get Diesel back. Is Horrid Lorries here yet?
James: Not yet, but they will be.
Duck: Yeah, sure. [As Hank arrives, Thomas and Duck leave]
Hank: Hello, Eric!
James: Hey, Hank.
Hank: I made some chili to enter into the contest.
James: What contest?
Hank: This is a chili cook-off, ain't it?
James: Huh? Oh. Yeah, I guess it is. Uh, here, Hank, just put it over here.
Hank: It's my special recipe.
James: [seeing Diesel, interrupts. Slowly and sweetly] Diesel!!! How are you, Diesel? Thanks so much for coming! [Diesel holds a small container of chili]
Diesel: Oh, I wouldn't miss this for anything.
James: [overjoyed] Likewise. Well, come on, you've got to see the pony!
Diesel: Just a second: don't you- wanna taste my chili first?
James: Well, e-yeah, but, there's a special guest coming, and I want you to be near the pony when they arrive.
Diesel: Well I don't want it to get cold. I think I can win first prize.
James: [sighs silently] Alright, Diesel, uh. Let's go over to the judging table and we'll try the chili first. [Diesel leaves] Fizzling Fenders!
[The Yard, the judging table. James and Diesel take their seats. Behind Diesel stand Percy, Duck, Thomas, and Diesel's henchmen. Behind Cartman stand Molly, Rheneas, and Harvey]
Diesel: [setting his plate before James] Alright, I guess we should taste each other's chili, huh?
James: [inspecting the dish] Huh, this chili looks pretty good. Weh, here's mine. [hands his plate to Diesel, who takes it to his end of the table and starts eating]
Diesel: Mmm. Ah, I don't know. Your chili is pretty good, James, but I think mine is better. Try it.
James: Alright. [takes the dish and starts eating. Both engines munch away for a few moments] Hey, this is great! [Thomas and Duck stifle giggles]
Diesel: Eh, it's a special recipe
James: [begins to wolf down the food] Gawh, this is really good, Diesel!
Diesel: I'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're almost finished, I have some'in' to tell you.
James: What? You mean about how you put pubes in your chili? [Everyone at Diesel's end of the table is shocked, even Diesel, at this accusation]
Diesel: What?!
James: Yehes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Diesel. I switched it with Hank's. [Hank looks like he's been used] It's delicious, Hank. I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Thomas and Duck, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. [Thomas and Duck are stunned] I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Herbert' pony to bite off your coupling. What they didn't tell you was that Herbert is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do somethng to the pony, I warned Herbert that violent pony killers were in the area. [A shot of James telling Herbert of such a thing. Herbert is armed] I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your coupling bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. [A shot of Diesel talking with his parents] And, I'm afraid that when Herbert spotted them on his property, he pushed both your parents off a cliff. [D261 and Judge Judy are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony, but upon seeing D261's lit flashlight, Herbert pushes them down the cliff and they hit the ravine hard]
Herbert: [looks of horror surround him] Well, they was trespassin' and I was protectin' myself. I, I have my rights.
Diesel: My... mom and dad are... scrapped? [A shot of Arthur taking a report from Herbert]
James: I came just in time to see Herbert giving his report to Arthur. And of course, to steal the remains... [A shot of James arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the remains to the scrapyard. The pony munches at some grass] After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could tell you personally about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. [more faces of horror behnd James) Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? [A gleefully evil look comes over James] I call it, "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili."
Diesel: [looks at James for a while, realizing what's just happened] Grease and Oil! [gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds Judge Judy's wheel, made to scrap. He tosses it away] Grease and Oil!! [vomits off to the side]
James: [sings] Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! I made you eat your parents! Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! [Thomas and Duck are way stunned]
Thomas: Cinders and ashes!
Diesel: [grief-stricken, he falls on his side] My mom and dad are dead! [cries] No! NOOO!! [Horrid Lorries arrives and stands behind Diesel. Thomas notices]
Lorry 1: Uhm, excuse me?
Stan: Who are you?
Lorry 3: We're that band, Radiohead.
Diesel: Aw man!
Lorry 2: Jeez, what a li'l crybaby!
Lorry 5: Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby??
Lorry 1: You know, everyone has problems; it doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it.
Lorry 4: Come om, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. [the members of the band start leaving]
Lorry 1: Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met.
Lorry 3: Little crybaby!
Diesel: [gathers himself and looks] No, wait! Waaiittt!! Grease and oil, grease and oiiiilll!! [bawls again] Noooo!
James: [puffs over to Diesel;s side] Yes! Yesss!! Oh, let me taste your tears, Diesel! [starts licking Diesel's tears off his face] Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet.
Duck: Thomas, I think it might be best for us to never piss James off again.
Thomas: Good call.
James: Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! My-ymmuy. [licks the tears off Diesel's face.] Mm-yummy you guys! [the iris common to Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies cartoons appears, with fanfare] Yuppitibut, that's all, folks! [waves]

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