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Up River is the eighth episode of ANIMALS. It is a parody of the TUGS episode of the same name.

Cast

  • Spike as Ten Cents
  • Big Macintosh as Big Mac
  • Braeburn as O.J.
  • Cranky Doodle Donkey as Top Hat
  • Soarin as Warrior
  • Pipsqueak as Sunshine
  • Cheese Sandwich as Billy Shoepack
  • Thomas (from TTTE) as Puffa
  • Gummy as Little Ditcher
  • Hoity Toity as Captain Star (only narration roles)
  • Trouble Shoes as Boomer (cameo)
  • Percy (from TTTE) as The Goods Engine (cameo)
  • Changelings as The Shrimpers (cameos)

Transcript

Hoity Toity (Narrating): "It had been a hard winter, but the worst of it was over. Ponyville's waterways and paths were beginning to thaw. It was a busy time for everybody. Up river operations got underway again. Goods that had been held up were transported by trains and animals.

Further up river, another important job started up again; logging. Our Ponyville animals had the contract to get thousands to logs from the camps down river to the saw mills. It was cold work and very dangerous. I had to put Big Macintosh in charge.

A huge log jam had fallen holding up their work and trapping logs that they have ready to take down the path."

Big Macintosh: "Take it easy, Pipsqueak."

Hoity Toity (Narrating): Big Mac had a healthy respect for logs."

Pipsqueak: "Ah, this is a nasty jam, Big Mac."

Big Macintosh: "Ya, could hurt you. Logs don't care about no one."

Pipsqueak: "Never thought it would be this much logging."

Big Macintosh: "It's a tricky job. Logs have got to be roped just right. Not slake, but not too tight."

Pipsqueak: "Isn't tighter the better?"

Big Macintosh: "Ya, you'd think so, but too tight causes friction, and that could catch fire."

Pipsqueak: "Oh."

Big Macintosh: "And that will happen here, if we can't get the jam shifted."

Pipsqueak: "Ah, logs catching fire. I could never get used to that."

Big Macintosh: "Ya, it always surprises me. Well, we'll have to keep at it."

Pipsqueak: "Hey, Big Mac, I have an idea. If I can swing right around, I might be able to push some out instead of bashing them in."

Big Macintosh: "Maybe. But mind you don't get jammed in yourself."

Pipsqueak: "Oh, don't worry. I'll watch it."

Hoity Toity (Narrating): "Pipsqueak didn't know logs could gang up on him. Once they started to tumble around him, there was no stopping them."

Big Macintosh: "Pipsqueak, get out quick! Put some chain into the action and move out!"

Pipsqueak: "I can't! I'm stuck fast!

Help!"

Big Macintosh: "Come on, try harder. Full speed!"

Pipsqueak: "Oh, I can't budge an inch. I'm trapped!"

Big Macintosh: "I'll have to get help. There must be someone up river besides us."

Pipsqueak: "You'll need a lot of it to get me out of this. Look at me."

Hoity Toity (Narrating): "At that moment, Thomas arrived to collect wood planks from a camp sawmill. He was a great friend of my Ponyville Fleet."

Big Macintosh: "Hey, Thomas!"

Thomas: "Hi there, Big Mac! How's it going?"

Big Macintosh: "Pipsqueak's trapped in the log jam, go get help, quick as you can!"

Thomas: "Right, will do, yes, I'm on me way, right now, ta-ta!"

Big Macintosh: "Thanks, Thomas! I owe you one!

Thomas'll get back to Ponyville quicker than I could. With a bit of luck he'll see Spike or someone. You all right?"

Pipsqueak: "Oh, I'm okay. I'll just have to sit it out; no choice."

Big Macintosh: "That's right. Oh, I was afraid of that. Heat's beginning to build up."

Pipsqueak: "I didn't like to say it, but I thought..."

Big Macintosh: "Don't, don't worry, Pipsqueak, we'll get you out of there in no time."

(Heat begins to build up in the wet logs)

Pipsqueak: "I do hope Thomas gets help soon."

Spike: "Oi, Thomas, are you in trouble?"

Thomas: "No, you are, Spike! Pipsqueak's trapped in a log jam!"

Spike: "Oh! Where?"

Thomas: "Well, he's just up the lake!"

Spike: "Oh, right. I'm on my way, thanks!

Thomas: "Good luck out there, you'll need it!"

Big Macintosh: (Grunting) "I can't shift around, Pipsqueak. No matter what I do."

Pipsqueak: (Cough) "Don't worry. I'm okay. The smoke from my head seems a bit heavy though."

Big Macintosh: "I'm afraid that smoke's not coming from your head."

Pipsqueak: "Oh, I didn't think it actually was."

Big Macintosh: "I've got to get you out of there fast."

Pipsqueak: "How long do you think it'll be before it bursts into flames."

Big Macintosh: "Never mind that."

(Spike arrives)

Big Macintosh: "Ah, Spike."

Spike: "How did this happen?"

Big Macintosh: "Never mind how. Swing around and try to push the logs clear. We've got to get Pipsqueak out."

Spike: "Right! We'll get you out, Pipsqueak."

Big Macintosh: "Just hang on."

Pipsqueak: (Cough) "It's beginning to get warm around here."

Cheese Sandwich: "Hello!"

Spike: "Oh no! It's Cheese Sandwich with his dynamite."

Pipsqueak: "Oh, tell him to clear up, Spike. Flames and dynamite don't mix."

Spike: "Look, get out of here, Cheese Sandwich. One spark from this could land on your dynamite and we can all go off."

Cheese Sandwich: "Hang on, hang on. How did you get into that mess?"

Big Macintosh: "On purpose, Cheese. Just for the fun with it. On your way now."

Spike: "No! Wait, Cheese. Could you give us a little blast. Just enough to get him out."

Big Macintosh: "No! He'd blow Pipsqueak up as well."

Cheese Sandwich: "Oh no I won't! You'll see."

Pipsqueak: "You've got to do something."

Hoity Toity (Narrating): "Big Macintosh knew the situation. He had to do something to free Pipsqueak. But logs set off down the road out of control could destroy everything in their path."

Pipsqueak: (Cough) "I'm not such a bad cough since my body needed overhauling."

Spike: "Oh, look! It's getting worse! Big Mac, we've got to risk it. Let Cheese have a go."

Big Macintosh: "Ya. Alright. Go ahead, Cheese, but only enough to get Pipsqueak out. Do you understand?"

Cheese Sandwich: "Of course" (Chuckles) "You'll be okay, Pipsqueak."

Pipsqueak: "Not enough to blow my out of the ground, eh?"

Cheese Sandwich: "No problem. A control explosion is all we need, isn't it?"

Big Macintosh: "Ya, very controlled."

Cheese Sandwich: "Out of my way! I'm in charge now."

Big Macintosh: "That's what I'm afraid."

Cheese Sandwich: "All set. Get well back everybody."

Pipsqueak: "Oh, I wish I could."

Spike: "It's not going to be a big bang, is it, Cheese?"

Cheese Sandwich: "I said well back to be on the safe side."

Pipsqueak: "I wish I could be on the safe side as well."

Cheese Sandwich: "You'll be okay, Pipsqueak. Right, 3, 2, 1!"

(Dynamite explodes and logs fly into the air)

Pipsqueak: (Cough) "Everything's lifted out there."

Big Macintosh: "That was a big bang."

Pipsqueak: "It was, and very controlled. I'm out. See."

Big Macintosh: "Well, that's one thing to be thankful for."

Cheese Sandwich: "And look, it's blown the fire out."

Spike: "Ah, well done, Cheese."

Big Macintosh: "Ya. Look what else it's done. The whole jam's breaking. Move back! Move back fast!"

Hoity Toity (Narrating): "Big Mac's early warning proved correct. The great pile logs slowly fell apart, and pushed others toward the carts used as a dam to hold them in the area. The power of Cheese Sandwich's explosion turned the logs into a huge battling raft. The carts groaned under the strain, but they couldn't hold. The logs forced them aside, and rushed dangerous down the path."

Spike: "Hey, they could break Ponyville. We've got to warn them!"

Cheese Sandwich: "Well then, I'd better go then."

Big Macintosh: "Yes, you better! You've done enough for one day. Nothing will stop them now! Call that a control explosion, do you?"

(Thomas whistles)

Pipsqueak: "That sounds like Thomas. Quick, send him up to Ponyville. He's faster than the logs."

Spike: "You're right, Pipsqueak. He'll get there first.

Hey Thomas, warn Ponyville that the log dam is broken. The logs are heading their way. It's an emergency!"

Thomas: "Will do! But what can they do about it?"

Spike: "Braeburn's in Ponyville. Tell him."

Thomas: "Right! On my way, Spike. A race against time. I'll beat them!"

Spike: "Look, don't stop for anything!"

Hoity Toity (Narrating): "Thomas raced off to warn Ponyville. Whistling ahead to clear the signals. The animals set off down the path to be on hand when disaster struck."

Big Macintosh: "Come on, you two. Let's try to catch those logs up. We might be able to help."

Pipsqueak: "Anything's worth a try, Big Mac."

Hoity Toity (Narrating): "The tank engine couldn't steam all up because the rails were slippery up to the snow and frost.

Even so, he eventually drew level, and started to overtake.

The logs were swiping aside anything in their path. Thomas got ahead just before he reached Ponyville, and started hooting about the warnings about the disaster about the hitting of the town. The logs had slowed on the side of the path. Thomas continued whistling urgently as he came into the Ponyville Station, where Cranky, Soarin and Braeburn were working."

Braeburn: "Which factory did you say, Soarin?"

Soarin: "Hoity Toity said to take Gummy to the demolition factory."

Braeburn: "He meant the factory that's due for demolition."

(Thomas whistles)

Braeburn: "Hey, what's that?

Thomas, what's up?"

Thomas: "A bunch of logs on their from the lake! Getting down here fast! I've got to get down to the stations to warn them."

Cranky Doodle Donkey: "Good heavens! In this current, they'll wreak the whole town and others well."

Soarin: "Well then, let's stop them right here."

Braeburn: "Be sensible, Soarin. How?"

Soarin: "Well, I'll stick Gummy across the path. He'll lay down on the side of the path, then he won't move."

Gummy: "No, I'll get smashed to bits instead."

Cranky Doodle Donkey: "Well, you'll be smashed up there or here. It makes no difference."

Braeburn: "Soarin's got it right for once. We make ourselves into a barrier across the path. Bring your changeling, Cranky. Might work. Worth a try."

Hoity Toity (Narrating): "Soarin's plan was to build a dam across the path. Gummy was already in place."

Braeburn: "Better idea still. Line up on a side, and glance the logs round the other side."

Gummy: "But that could never work."

Soarin: "Get your tail on the side and don't argue!"

Braeburn: "It will never work, or it'll never work again."

Hoity Toity (Narrating): "To their horror, Big Mac, Spike and Pipsqueak watched the logs heading unstoppable to a small shed. They could only look unhelpfully as the battling raft crashed into the wooden shed, and demolish it almost instantly. Some logs were stopped by the wreckage, but the rest surged on the direction of Ponyville.

The Ponyville animals followed on trying to avoid the broken shed. They knew that it was going to be even worst for Ponyville."

Big Macintosh: "I wouldn't like to be in Ponyville when that lot hits the town."

Pipsqueak: "Nor me. No, thank you."

Hoity Toity (Narrating): "In Ponyville, the church bells were ringing out to warn everybody. Braeburn was still organizing the dam."

Soarin: "Hurry up, Braeburn! I think I hear the logs coming."

Gummy: "Almost! Get this last rundown quick!"

Braeburn: "Oh! Oh, no, Soarin! You're on the wrong side!"

Soarin: "Oh, yeah, so I am. But how do I get...

Suffering wings! Look at the size of that!"

Braeburn: "Now, don't panic, Soarin. We'll shake bodies and push back as they hit, trying to divert them around the other side of the town."

Soarin: "Easier said than done!"

(Logs hit Soarin)

Soarin: "Oh!"

Braeburn: "Now, shake and push!"

Cranky Doodle Donkey: "Shake and push!"

Braeburn: "Shake and push!"

Cranky Doodle Donkey: "That's it, shake and push! I say, they're rolling off us! We're holding back!"

Soarin: "I'm shaking and pushing, Braeburn!"

Braeburn: "You've done it! You've diverted them round the town. It worked!"

Cranky Doodle Donkey: "Marvelous!"

(Logs crash into the factory)

Soarin: "Well, look at that!"

Hoity Toity (Narrating): "When Big Mac, Spike and Pipsqueak arrived, they explained what had happened. They were very relieved to see the town undamaged. But Big Mac was still concerned."

Big Macintosh: "The owner of that old factory's in for a nasty surprise."

Braeburn: "No, a pleasant one. Saves him up to pay for the demolition."

Soarin: "Well, Gummy, you've been done out of a job. Mind you that I did a bit of demolish me self."

Cranky Doodle Donkey: "Yes, well, you got the worst of it, Soarin. You're lucky to survive, and so was Gummy."

Gummy: "Yeah, in Ponyville, you'll be a hero. Think of that, Soarin."

Soarin: "Yeah, I like that."

Braeburn: "You were a very brave pony, Soarin. Well, let's get this lot cleared up. Come on, everybody."

Hoity Toity (Narrating): "The Ponyville Fleet learned a lot that day. Spike and Pipsqueak now knew why Big Mac had so much respect for logs. Big Mac learned something too, as did all of us. We gained new respect for Soarin, who's heroic actions saved Ponyville from certain disaster."

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