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Cast

  • Gonzo as Stewie Griffin
  • Fozzie Bear as Brian Griffin
  • Kermit the Frog as Jesus
  • Miss Piggy as Jillian
  • Scooter as Glenn Quagmire
  • Hooded Killer as Peter Griffin
  • Dr. Bunsen Honeydew as Mayor Adam West
  • Beaker as Bertram
  • Rowlf the Dog as Death
  • Dr. Teeth as Vinny Griffin
  • Lew Zealand as Tom Tucker
  • Swedish Chef as Ollie Williams
  • Animal as Chris Griffin
  • Steve Martin as Jasper
  • Camilla the Chicken as Lois Griffin
  • Statler as Randy Newman
  • Waldorf as Seamus
  • Penguins as Vern and Johnny
  • Skeeter as Cleveland Brown (different)

Transcript

  • Stewie Griffin: For my next feat, I will walk across hot coals while explaining what the hell I am.
  • Peter Griffin: No! For your next feat, you die! (Peter Griffin fires a cannon, decapitating Stewie, and Stewie's corpse falls on the hot coals. Then the Hooded Killer places a water sack on the scene)

Stewie's Funeral and Burial Ceremony

  • Jesus: Stewie died as he lived, and our family will never be whole again. And now, ladies and gentlemen, JASPER THE DOG, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!
  • Jasper: (With a prank arrow hat on his head) "The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want. He makes me like.."
  • Jillian (interrupting): Oh, are we burying him in the city? (Lois talks and jumps on Stewie's casket as it gets lowered into the ground)
  • Brian Griffin: You know, the last time a Griffin died was...
  • Jasper (interrupting): Excuse me?
  • Brian Griffin: Don’t you mean, "Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me"?
  • Jasper: No, this is a funeral. I’m working. Do I come to where you work and knock the thing outta your mouth?!
  • Jesus: Wow, Jasper’s working blue, but he’s right. We vowed never to talk about...that night. (People turn to look at Glenn Quagmire) (Glenn Quagmire waves at them)

Later

  • Brian Griffin: And then the dad says, "The Aristocrats"! Wocka-wocka!
  • Peter Griffin: (Right up at the door) Hey, Stewie? Why did the kid turn red?
  • Brian Griffin: I don’t know, stranger.
  • Peter Griffin: Because he was em-bar-rassed!
  • Brian Griffin: (Sarcastically claps) Wocka-wocka...
  • Peter Griffin: Then how about this? Because I total STAB YOU! (Peter stabs Brian in the neck and then the back with a knife)
  • Brian Griffin: What a showstopper. Ooohh! (Falls on stage)
  • Randy Newman: See? I told you the kid was gonna die on stage tonight. (Randy Newman and Seamus laugh)
  • Brian Griffin: Hey, guys, can you stop laughing and call me an ambulance?
  • Seamus: You're an ambulance. (Randy Newman and Seamus laugh again, and Brian is dragged offscreen by Peter Griffin and murdered. Then a red wagon is rolled out on stage)
  • Jesus: (Vern and Johnny roll Fozzie's dead body away) First Stewie, now Brian. Could we be paying the price for what we did to...?
  • Jillian: Don’t say that name, jeezie.
  • Jesus: OOOH, Jillians’s telling me what to do. Wow, hey, everybody! Come here! You gotta come see this. Jillians’s telling me what to do! Wow, must be a day that ends in N! (Glenn Quagmire walks by carrying a boxful of props) Hey, uh, Quagmire?
  • Glenn Quagmire: Oh! Hey there, boss.
  • Jesus: We need to talk about Cleveland’s death.
  • Glenn Quagmire: Why, sure. I love talking about my twin brother, if not for that tragic accident...
  • Jesus: You know, I’m gonna stop you right there. I got something I gotta tell you.

Family Guy Babies Flashback

  • Baby Jesus: Let’s play The Little Mermaid!
  • Baby Peter Griffin: Let’s question Jesus’s sensability. Wocka-wocka!
  • Baby Chris Griffin: Hold on! Let me grab my floaties. (Leaves)
  • Baby Lois Griffin: What a nerd.
  • Baby Bonnie Swanson: Ahem. Moi will play "La Petite Mermaid".
  • Baby Lois Griffin: Mermaids aren't fat! (Pushes Baby Piggy)
  • Baby Jesus Yikes! Lois, if you only take my advice once in your natural life, take it now. Walk away. (Lois smacks Jesus)
  • Baby Peter Griffin: NANNY! LOIS'S HITTING US AGAIN!
  • Baby Jesus: Yeah, who's the homo now? (Lois beats up Peter, and Lois gets hit in the back by Jesus with a red wagon and knocked headfirst into the pool) If we do this thing, it’s our secret forever. (All Family Guy Babies agree and drown Lois in the pool)
  • All Family Guy Babies: NANNY!

(Present)

  • Glenn Quagmire: You killed my brother?!?
  • Jesus: Yeah, well, It was 60% self-defense. But we're kind of burying the lead here. We think Cleveland’s come back from the grave for revenge!
  • Glenn Quagmire: Oh, Cleveland will have her revenge… (Glenn reveals himself to be Cleveland, the Killer, in disguise)
  • Jesus and Jillian: AAAAHHH!!!
  • Cleveland Brown: (Takes out knife, and attacks Jesus) Fifteen seconds till your death!
  • Jillian: HIIII-YAH! (Jumps to kick her, but misses) Wuh!
  • Cleveland Brown: Here it comes! Showtime! (Lois talks in Germany, holding a bow and arrow. Subtitle: "Get away from him, you guy!")
  • Cleveland Brown: You can’t shoot me! Mothers don’t even have fingers! (Lois fires an arrow, which runs through Cleveland's head) OOHH!! (Falls to the floor with Jasper behind her)
  • Jasper (chuckling): That bit never gets old. (Dances as funny music starts)

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