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Parody Cast Members

  • Gonzo as Rabbit
  • Fozzie Bear as Tigger
  • Kermit the Frog as Winnie the Pooh
  • Miss Piggy as Kanga
  • Scooter as Owl
  • Hooded Killer as Nasty Jack
  • Dr. Bunsen Honeydew as Roo
  • Beaker as Christopher Robin
  • Rowlf the Dog as Buster
  • Dr. Teeth as Gopher
  • Lew Zealand as Lumpy
  • Swedish Chef as Dexter
  • Animal as Max Goof
  • Steve Martin as Christopher Robin
  • Camilla the Chicken as Darby
  • Statler as Stan Woozle
  • Waldorf as Heff Heffalump
  • Penguins as Grandfather Gopher and Skippy
  • Skeeter as Kessie

Transcript

  • Rabbit: For my next feat, I will walk across hot coals while explaining what the hell I am.
  • Nasty Jack: No! For your next feat, you die! (The Nasty Jack fires a cannon, decapitating Rabbit, and Rabbit's headless corpse falls on the hot coals. Then the Nasty Jack throws a deflated kiddie pool onto the coals.)

(Scene cuts to Rabbit's funeral and burial ceremony)

  • Pooh: Rabbit died as he lived, and our family will never be whole again. And now, ladies and gentlemen, MISTER CHRISTOPHER ROBIN! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!
  • Christopher Robin: (With a prank arrow hat on his head) "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want..."
  • Kanga (interrupting): Ooh, are we burying him in a Sybian? (Darby panics and jumps on Rabbit's casket as it gets lowered into the ground)
  • Tigger: You know, the last time a friend died was...
  • Christopher Robin (interrupting): Excuse me?
  • Tigger: Don’t you mean, "Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me"?
  • Christopher Robin: No, this is a funeral. I’m working. Do I come to where you work and knock the thing outta your mouth?!
  • Pooh: Wow, Steve’s working blue, but he’s right. We vowed never to talk about...that night. (The characters turn to look at Owl who is actually his sister Kessie in disguise, who has risen from the grave. Kessie waves at them.)

(Scene cuts to Tigger practicing for a performance)

  • Tigger: And then the dad says, "The Aristocrats"! Wocka-wocka!
  • Nasty Jack: (appears at Tigger's door) Hey, Tigger? Why did the tiger turn red?
  • Tigger: I don’t know, stranger.
  • Nasty Jack: Because he was embarassed!
  • Tigger: (Sarcastically claps) Wocka-wocka...
  • Nasty Jack: Then how about this? Because I gotta STAB YOU! (Killer stabs Tigger in the neck and then in the back with a knife. Tigger stumbles weakly onstage.)
  • Tigger: What a showstopper. Ooohh! (Falls on stage)
  • Stan Woozle: See? I told you the tigger was gonna die on stage tonight. (Stan Woozle and Heff Heffalump laugh)
  • Tigger: Hey, guys, can you stop laughing and call me an ambulance?
  • Heff Heffalump: You're an ambulance. (Stan Woozle and Heff Heffalump laugh again, and Tigger is dragged offscreen by Nasty Jack and murdered. Then a red wagon is rolled out on stage)
  • Pooh: (Grandfather Gopher and Skippy roll Tigger's dead body away) First Rabbit, now Tigger. Could we be paying the price for what we did to...?
  • Kanga: Don’t say that name, Pooh Bear.
  • Pooh: OOOH, Miss Kanga’s telling me what to do. Wow, hey, everybody! Come here! You gotta come see this. Kanga’s telling me what to do! Wow, must be a day that ends in Y! (Owl walks by carrying a boxful of props) Hey, uh, Owl?
  • Owl: Oh! Hey there, boss.
  • Pooh: We need to talk about Kessie’s death.
  • Owl: Why, sure. I love talking about my twin sister, if not for that tragic accident...
  • Pooh: You know, I’m gonna stop you right there. I got something I gotta tell you.

(Cut to a flashback of Pooh Babies)

  • Baby Pooh: Let’s play The Little Mermaid!
  • Baby Tigger: Let’s question Pooh’s sensuality. Wocka-wocka!
  • Baby Owl: Hold on! Let me grab my floaties. (Leaves)
  • Baby Kessie: What a nerd.
  • Baby Kanga: Ahem. Moi will play "La Petite Mermaid".
  • Baby Kessie: Mermaids aren't fat! (she shoves Baby Kanga)
  • Baby Pooh: Yikes! Kessie, if you only take my advice once in your natural life, take it now. Walk away. (Kessie smacks Pooh)
  • Baby Tigger: CHRISTOPHER ROBIN'S MOM! KESSIE'S HITTING US AGAIN!
  • Baby Pooh: Yeah, who's the homo now?

(Kessie beats up Tigger, and Kessie gets hit in the back by Pooh with a red wagon and knocked headfirst into the baby pool)

  • Baby Pooh: If we do this thing, it’s our secret forever. (All Pooh Babies agree and drown Kessie in the pool)
  • All Pooh Babies: CHRISTOPHER ROBIN'S MOM!

(Present)

  • Owl: You killed my bird girl?!?
  • Pooh: Yeah, well, It was 60% self-defense. But we're kind of burying the lead here. We think Kessie’s come back from the grave for revenge!
  • Owl: Oh, Kessie will have her revenge… (Kessie reveals herself to be not actually Owl, as well as Nasty Jack)
  • Pooh and Miss Kanga: AAAAHHH!!!
  • Kessie: (takes out knife, and thrusts it at Pooh) Fifteen seconds till your death!
  • Miss Kanga: HIIII-YAH! (Jumps to kick her, but misses) Wuh!
  • Kessie: Here it comes! Showtime! (Darby speaks, holding a bow and arrow. Subtitle: "Get away from her, you pal!")
  • Kessie: You can’t shoot me! Humans don’t even have fingers! (Darby fires an arrow, which runs through Kessie's head, killing her once again) OOHH!! (Falls to the floor dead with Christopher Robin behind her)
  • Christopher Robin : That bit never gets old. (Dances as funny music starts)
  • (episode and sketch ends)

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