You Can't Win is the fourth episode of the fourth season of RS Mr. Conductor the Conductor and Friends, and the eighty-second episode overall. It is a parody of the Thomas and Friends episode of the same name.


  • Grandpa Abe Simpson (from The Simpsons) as Duke
  • Cat (from Little Bear) as Sir Handel/Falcon
  • Bear (from Franklin) as Peter Sam/Stuart
  • RS Mr. Conductor (from Shining Time Station) as Thomas (cameo)
  • Ten Cents (from TUGS) as Bertie (cameo)
  • Didi Pickles (from Rugrats) as The Refreshment Lady (cameo)
  • Everyone else as Themselves


Narrator: "Abe Simpson is the hero of all the TV Characters. This is a story about him.

It happened long ago when Bear and Cat used to work with Abe on his old land. Many people came year after year to see the mountains and the lakes and most of all, Abe.

He always took his flowers, even on days when he didn't feel well."

Abe Simpson: "I mustn't disappoint my friends."

Narrator: "He would say.

Every morning he took his passengers up the road and stopped anywhere they wanted."

Abe Simpson: "Peep, peep!"

Narrator: "He whistled."

Abe Simpson: "Please be ready when I come back to you. Otherwise we might miss your boat to the mainland and that would never do."

Narrator: "One day, Abe didn't feel well. He was short of strength and glad of a rest. His driver and fireman had just finished clearing his body when Bear bustled up."

Bear: "Hello, Gransimpson."

Narrator: "He teased."

Bear: "Are you short of strength."

Abe Simpson: "Nothing of the sort. This is routine maintenance."

Bear: "Tell you what."

Narrator: "Went on Bear."

Happy: "You getting old. We must take care of you in case you get hurt."

Abe Simpson: "Hmmph!"

Narrator: "Hooshed Abe."

Abe Simpson: "That'll be the day!"

Narrator: "Abe couldn't stay cross for long. It was a lovely evening."

Abe Simpson: "Couldn't be better. Couldn't be better."

Narrator: "He guntered happily.

They began to climb, but Abe didn't mind."

Abe Simpson: "I've plenty of strength."

Narrator: "He puffed."

Abe Simpson: "We'll be up in a couple of puffs."

Narrator: "But soon, Abe's puffs changed to wheezes. His body was leaking strength."

Abe Simpson: "It's not so easy. It's not so easy."

Narrator: "He croaked."

Abe Simpson: "But I'll manage."

Narrator: "At last, they reached the station.

Abe's driver examined him carefully. Anxious passengers waited for news."

Guard: "Abe is going to take you to the harbor, but he might be late."

Narrator: "Said the guard."

Guard: "So two animals are coming to help. You'll still catch your boat."

Narrator: "Cat went up in front."

Cat: "Poor old Gransimpson. What a shame you've gotten hurt."

Bear: "Peep, peep, peep!"

Narrator: "Teased Bear."

Bear: "This is the day."

Narrator: "He was coupled up behind."

Cat: "Are you ready?"

Narrator: "Whistled Cat."

Bear: "Yes, I am."

Narrator: "Replied Bear, and away they went.

When they reached the next station, the cavalcade split up.

Cat took Abe's passengers to the boat.

Bear headed Cat's line, with Abe coupled behind."

Bear: "Fancy me rescuing Gransimpson! This is the day! This is the day!"

Narrator: "He boasted."

Bear: "Poor old man! Poor old man!"

Narrator: "But Abe still had plenty of strength left in him. His body sounded worse then it was. He and his driver had their own little joke ready.

They waited until they reached the hill."

Abe's Driver: "Now!"

Narrator: "Said his driver. Abe puffed and roared as though he was pushing the whole line's weight before him. The noise echoed everywhere.

When they reached the last station, everyone cheered."

Boy: "What happened?"

Narrator: "Asked a boy."

Boy: "They don't usually need two characters."

Father: "Well,"

Narrator: "Replied his father."

Father: "Bear hurt himself. Abe Simpson had to help him. It sounds as if he had a hard job too."

Narrator: "Abe and his driver's joke had worked."

Bear: "Fiddlesticks!"

Narrator: "Exclaimed Bear, and he vanished in a cloud of steam. Abe wheezed alongside."

Abe Simpson "Poor old bear!"

Narrator: "He teased."

Abe Simpson: "It's no good, Bear. You can't win!"

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