You Can't Win Transcript is Pikachufreak's idea.


  • Here's the full transcript to You Can't Win.


  • Duke
  • Falcon
  • Stuart
  • Thomas (cameo)
  • Bertie (cameo)
  • Refreshment Lady (cameo)


  • George Carlin: Duke is the hero of all the engines. This is a story about him. It happened long ago when Peter Sam was called Stuart and Sir Handel Falcon. Many people came year after year to see the Mountains and the Lakes and most of all, Duke. He always pulled his train, even on days when he didn't feel well.
  • Duke: I mustn't disappoint my friends.
  • George Carlin: He would say. Every morning he took his passengers up the line and stops everywhere they want him.
  • Duke: Peep, peep!
  • George Carlin: He whistled.
  • Duke: Please be ready when I come back to you. Otherwise we might miss your boat to the mainland and that would never do.
  • George Carlin: One day, Duke didn't feel well. He was short of steam and needed to rest. His driver and fireman had just finish clearing his tubes when Stuart bustled in.
  • Stuart: Hello, Granpuff!
  • George Carlin: He teased.
  • Stuart: Are you short of puff?
  • Duke: Nothing of the sort. This is routine maintenance.
  • Stuart: Tell you what.
  • George Carlin: Went on Stuart.
  • Stuart: You're getting old. We must take care of you in case you breakdown.
  • Duke: Humph!
  • George Carlin: Hooshed Duke.
  • Duke: That'll be the day.
  • George Carlin: Duke couldn't stay cross for long. It was a lovely evening.
  • Duke: Couldn't be better! Couldn't be better!
  • George Carlin: He trundled happily. They began to climb, but Duke didn't mind.
  • Duke: I've plenty of steam.
  • George Carlin: He puffed.
  • Duke: We'll be up in the couple of puffs.
  • George Carlin: But soon, Duke's puffs changed to wheezes. He vows were leaking steam.
  • Duke: It's not so easy, it's not so easy.
  • George Carlin: He croaked.
  • Duke: But I'll manage.
  • George Carlin: At last they reached the station. Duke's driver examined him carefully. Anxious passengers waited for news.
  • Conductor: Duke is going to take you to the harbour, but he might be late.
  • George Carlin: Said the conductor.
  • Conductor: So 2 engines are coming to help. You'll still catch your boat.
  • George Carlin: Falcon buffered up in front.
  • Falcon: Poor old Granpuff. What a shame you broken down.
  • Stuart: Peep, peep, peep!
  • George Carlin: Teased Stuart.
  • Stuart: This is the day!
  • George Carlin: He was coupled on behind.
  • Falcon: Are you ready?
  • George Carlin: Whistled Falcon.
  • Stuart: Yes I am!
  • George Carlin: Replied Stuart and away they went. When the reach the next station, the cavalcade split up. Falcon took Duke's passengers to the boat. Stuart headed Falcon's train with Duke coupled behind.
  • Stuart: Fancy me rescuing Granpuff! This is the day! This is the day!
  • George Carlin: He boasted.
  • Stuart: Poor old engine! Poor old engine!
  • George Carlin: But Duke still have plenty of steam left at him. His vows sounded worse when they were. He and his driver had their own little joke ready. They waited until they reached the hill.
  • Driver: Now!
  • George Carlin: Said his driver. Duke puffed and roared though he was pushing a whole trains' weight before him. The noise echoed everywhere. When they reach the last station, everyone cheered.
  • Boy: What happened?
  • George Carlin: Asked the boy.
  • Boy: They don't usually need 2 engines.
  • Father: Well.
  • George Carlin: Replied his father.
  • Father: Stuart broke down. Duke had to help him. It sounds as if he had a hard job too.
  • George Carlin: Duke and his drivers' joke had worked.
  • Stuart: Fiddlesticks!
  • George Carlin: Explained Stuart and he vanished in a cloud of steam. Duke wheezed alongside.
  • Duke: Poor old engine!
  • George Carlin: He teased.
  • Duke: It's no good, Stuart. You can't win.

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