Zombie Hunters

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A zombie hunter is essentially a professional zombie disposal technician. Bonded and part of a local union or guild, zombie hunters provide a much needed service in todays hectic, zombie infested world.

Hiring a zombie hunter

Hiring a zombie hunter is easy. Just look in the yellow pages and chances are you'll find several fast, courteous and professional zombie disposal companies more than happy to make your zombie problem vanish. Bear in mind, however, that like any contract service arrangement, that you should first do a little homework before hiring any company.

I realize that in the above paragraph, there is the inferred claim that all zombie hunting companies are fast, courteous and professional-- which is true... though some are faster and more courteous and more professional than others.

Things to ask before signing a contract

Now, you may think that during a zombie infestation, there would be little time for such drab little details like getting references for a zombie disposal service, verifying their license status and all the other little precautions necessary to protect yourself from unscrupulous contractors. Sure, sure, you could go with whoever has the largest or prettiest ad in the phone book, but as the old saying goes, "Don't judge a company on the basis of how talented their ad agency's graphic artists are" (words to live by, in my opinion).

So, here are some simple questions you should try to remember when calling prospective zombie hunters.

  • Are you licensed and bonded?

All zombie hunters are legally required to be licensed and bonded through their state's Zombie Hunter License Board. If a prospective zombie hunter is reticent to provide a license number, or admits to not having one, you should under no circumstances hire them. I assure you, hiring unlicensed individuals is a potential recipe for disaster. If you made the mistake of hiring an unlicensed hunter and something went awry, say they dismembered and immolated your second-cousin, good luck getting any kind of compensation.

  • Do you have any references?

Professional and qualified zombie hunters will not mind being asked for references. They understand that a good deal of their business relies on their reputation and good word of mouth. Again, beware any zombie hunter who is reticent to provide any references or information about past jobs.

  • Are your rates reasonable?

This is kind of a sticky question as there are so many variables affecting the bid on a zombie disposal job. Things like the location of the infestation (urban, sub-urban, rural etc.), the size of the infestation (large swarm, a medium size mob, a handful of ghouls etc.) and the timetable for completion (months, weeks, or immediately etc.) all play crucial parts in determining the hunter's final bid on the project. Given the number of variables it's hard to provide a concrete guideline on what is and isn't a reasonable price, though here are some simple guidelines:

  1. Never pay more than 10% of the total bid as a down payment. Legally, a hunter cannot ask for any more than that, and if they do, then you may want to rethink hiring them.
  2. If you call for an immediate response, be prepared to pay significantly more than if you let the hunter fit you into his schedule.
  3. So called Loppers & Choppers, i.e. hunters who dismember zombies rather than burning them, are generally more capable of responding to emergency situations as they require less prep time before going to work. However, because they rely on a great deal of power equipment (chainsaws, wood chippers etc.) be prepared for a great deal of noise. If the whine of small two-stroke engines bother you, then perhaps these hunters aren't for you.

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