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Zombie Hunting

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It may seem fairly easy to hunt zombies on account of their lack of coordination, agility, and intelligence. However, many a novice zombie hunter has paid the ultimate price for arrogantly under-estimating the tenaciousness, as well as durability, of their undead quarry.

Honestly, zombie hunting should only be undertaken by trained professionals and as such the information contained in this article is only meant to be used by the general public only in emergency situations, i.e. when professional help is unavailable. It perhaps could also be viewed as a primer for those interested in pursuing a career in zombie hunting.

The Basics

Zombie Physiology

As this article pointed out, a zombie happens to be a reanimated corpse of a human being. As a consequence, their physiology mirrors that of our own, barring the notable difference that under all previous medical conventions they are dead and should not be moving. All bodily functions have ceased in a zombie- organs, metabolism, cellular and brain activity etcetera.

What Makes A Zombie?

Despite years of research and going through thousands of specimens, science is still at a loss to explain the mechanisms of zombieism. While certain aspects of zombieism bear the hallmark of some sort of viral or bacterial contagion, no causative agent has ever been found, despite exhaustive studies. For instance, if a zombie bites a human, the victim will within hours suffer what will appear to be a severe infection. Alternating between fever and racking chills, the victim's condition will progressively deteriorate until death-- usually within eight hours of initial contact. All forms of medication (antibiotics and antivirals) and even extreme methods (amputation of affected limb) fail. Within moments of "death" the victim's corpse will reanimate, and begin its ceaseless search for flesh (see dachshund).

While this method of zombie "propagation" is well documented, do not be lulled into thinking that being bitten is the only way a human can become a member of the undead. There are also several documented cases of corpses, rendered dead by a myriad of non-zombie causes, reanimating seemingly spontaneously. This baffling phenomenon has lead several scientists to theorize that a significant percentage of the living human population is infected to some degree with the causative agent of zombieism-- a rather distressing proposition.

I've Got Zombies, How Do I Get Rid Of Them?

If at all possible, hire a professional zombie hunter. This cannot be stressed enough. If you must deal with a zombie or zombies on your own, please bear in mind the following facts.

Zombies CANNOT Be Killed

Think about it. How can you kill what is already dead? You can't. Popular fiction prior to the First Outbreak held that destroying a zombie's brain, either from a bullet or blunt force trauma, would kill or eliminate the zombie in question. This fanciful "sure-fire" method of killing a zombie had a devastating effect on military units and freelance zombie hunters during the early days of The First Outbreak. Those poor souls would fire, often entire magazines worth of ammunition, into the head of an approaching zombie, with the only result being the zombie mildly inconvenienced (from lack of teeth, or a properly functioning jaw) as it devoured the hapless hunter. Yes, the writers and purveyors of zombie fiction bear no small responsibility for the number of casualties incurred in those dark days.

Zombies CAN Be Destroyed

While zombies cannot be killed in the same sense as normal living creatures, they can be physically destroyed. The best methods of destroying a zombie are immolation and gross dismemberment.

Immolation

  • Prefered Tools
  1. Diesel Fuel
  2. Road Flares

To quote the former Surgeon General of the United States, the best prescription for a case of zombieism is "Fire, and lots of it!" That said, one shouldn't go about setting zombies ablaze willy-nilly. Every year results in dozens of lives lost as well as millions of dollars in property damage because of improper zombie immolation techniques. If you feel you must take matters into your own hands, please follow these simple guidelines.


  • Always immobilize a zombie before setting it ablaze.


A zombie doused with an accelerant while still mobile will become nothing more than a walking torch, burning everything it touches. To avoid this, professional zombie hunters employ so called Nicaraguan Firepits, large holes dug into the earth to confine any hapless zombie that falls into it. These holes generally are about eight-feet deep, the perfect depth to prevent any zombie from escaping. Once dug, one can merely push or lure a zombie into the pit and then use diesel fuel and road flares to burn the zombies to ashes.

If digging an eight foot deep hole is not feasible, removing the zombies legs and arms prior to immolation will be necessary. Please refer to the section on dismemberment for more information on how best to accomplish this.


  • Only use road flares and diesel.


Use of any accelerant other than diesel is strongly discouraged; the chance of explosion or accidental fire is too great, even for professionals. Road flares can be safely tossed from a distance to start the fire, minimizing the risk of injury. For a fair price on flares, visit your nearest friendly auto-parts store.


Dismemberment

  • Preferred Tools
  1. Chainsaw
  2. Machete or Axe
  3. Wood Chipper

Bearing in mind that a zombie cannot be killed in the conventional sense and if immolation is not a viable option, the next best method for zombie disposal is gross dismemberment. Unfortunately, dismembering a zombie is a riskier proposition than using a Nicaraguan Firepit and really should seriously only be attempted by professionals or those exceedingly desperate.


  • Render the zombie helpless


If you're foolhardy enough to attempt to dismember a zombie, and many of you reading this probably are, the most important thing to remember is that the zombie needs to be rendered helpless, thereby reducing its threat potential. To do this, use one of the aforementioned implements (preferably a chainsaw, as zombie bones can be quite difficult to hack through) to remove the zombie's legs-- approximately at the knee or just below it. Remember to take your time and utilize your superior speed and agility to your advantage. Once one of the zombie's legs is removed, it will of course topple to the ground, making the task of removing its other appendages much easier, though don't get cocky! Many a would be zombie hunter has been bitten on the ankle and consequently joined the ranks of the undead.

There is some debate on whether one should sever the head of the zombie from its torso. One school of thought says that you should, as doing so lightens the load if one is tossing the corpse parts into a wood chipper. However, the other school of thought points out that in order to pick up the now freed zombie skull, one's fingers will be uncomfortably close to the jaws and teeth of the zombie. If one leaves the head attached to the torso, one need not place their fingers in danger and, really, at best a cranium only weighs ten or so pounds anyway. It's really up to personal preference which method you go with, so long as you understand the risks.

True, once the zombie is completely dismembered, you could just leave the parts in a pile and go about your business. This, however, is considered poor zombie disposal etiquette. The proper thing to do at this point is to either burn the pile of zombie parts down to ashes, or feed them through an industrial wood chipper. If you choose to use a wood chipper, be sure to set it on its finest setting, as one wants the output to be of a fine consistency. The resulting slurry can be now safely disposed of in the nearest available water way, or sold to a local trout farm, as zombie slurry is in fact an ideal fish food.

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